The advice thread for random problems #6

[littlepup]

At what point do you issue someone an ultimatum? MrBabes and I have been together 7 years, he knows I want to get married, every time I bring the subject up he usually just brushes it off. At what point do you walk when they won’t commit?

Would you really leave him if he didn’t want to get married? And if so is that because you don’t have the same aspirations for the future or is it just the marriage thing where you don’t agree?

It seems like there’s maybe more to this because marriage is no guarantee. I know plenty of unmarried couples who’ve stayed together longer than others who’ve been married.
If it stems from your previous partner leaving you would you let the hurt he can caused you destroy this relationship? Do you trust this partner not to do the same and would a marriage certificate change that? It might be that you’re letting your past determine your future negatively and rather than pushing your partner to marry (is it even real if you’ve basically demanded it?) coming to peace with what’s happened in the past might be the next step.

Either way I think you need to really think about why marriage is so important to you and have a proper conversation with your OH about why he’s reluctant.

 

[Black.bird]

At what point do you issue someone an ultimatum? MrBabes and I have been together 7 years, he knows I want to get married, every time I bring the subject up he usually just brushes it off. At what point do you walk when they won’t commit?

It depends ... why is marriage important to you, and not important to him?
I don't agree with ultimatums, but if he really doesn't want to get married then there's no point in pushing it.
I would encourage you both to have a decent sit down and discuss your feelings properly though.
If you're happy together and in love, that all that matters really.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Would you really leave him if he didn’t want to get married? And if so is that because you don’t have the same aspirations for the future or is it just the marriage thing where you don’t agree?

It seems like there’s maybe more to this because marriage is no guarantee. I know plenty of unmarried couples who’ve stayed together longer than others who’ve been married.
If it stems from your previous partner leaving you would you let the hurt he can caused you destroy this relationship? Do you trust this partner not to do the same and would a marriage certificate change that? It might be that you’re letting your past determine your future negatively and rather than pushing your partner to marry (is it even real if you’ve basically demanded it?) coming to peace with what’s happened in the past might be the next step.

Either way I think you need to really think about why marriage is so important to you and have a proper conversation with your OH about why he’s reluctant.

Well said. My relationship has outlasted many marriages and we’re happy as we are.

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

Do you think taking marriage out of it might lead to a better conversation? See if what you both want in the next five or ten years aligns. Is it moving house, having kids, living in another country. If there’s no synergy between you on those things the relationship is unlikely to last whether you are married or not. On the other hand if you’re going into a big adventure together you can then talk about whether he sees marriage as part of that and you can let him know if there are any dealbreakers for you. I’m glad I got married before we had kids for instance as I took a massive drop in income and would have pissed me right off if he’d walked away with his pension after using me for free childcare for years (though that might have changed now for unmarried parents, it was def the case when mine were small),

 

[tomato_paste]

Just getting a bit fed up of it all now, seeing folk who’ve got in relationships after us who are now married or getting married

Does the fact that others are getting married bother you because that is something you want, too? Or does it bother you because it's some milestone you're supposed to have achieved by now?

 

[Kim Mild]

Has anyone found the mini pill caused low mood? I can remember feeling down at times I haven't been on any contraception, but I wondering if there's a connection.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Does anyone know much about Facebook groups? I'm in a group not many people post in, I probably post the one of the most (only 4 posts). Today I posted something else and it says declined, if I click declined it says pending. Is this something the group admins have put specifically for me? Or everyone? From what I've read they can do it for one person but I think then I wouldn't be able to comment on other posts or react to other posts which I can still do. It's only a small group under 20 people

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Does anyone know much about Facebook groups? I'm in a group not many people post in, I probably post the one of the most (only 4 posts). Today I posted something else and it says declined, if I click declined it says pending. Is this something the group admins have put specifically for me? Or everyone? From what I've read they can do it for one person but I think then I wouldn't be able to comment on other posts or react to other posts which I can still do. It's only a small group under 20 people

Yes, they can put one person on 30 day or more approval. You would still be able to participate in the group just your posts would need approval

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Yes, they can put one person on 30 day or more approval. You would still be able to participate in the group just your posts would need approval

Ohh okay can you tell? If so it's nearly been 2 months since I posted so would be a long one. I'm just trying to figure out if the owner (it's for a hobby) is ignoring me about booking in classes or not. She's never been a good replied so I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not. So I thought I'd post on the group to see if she reacts to what I post so I guess if she doesn't accept maybe she ignoring me

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Ohh okay can you tell? If so it's nearly been 2 months since I posted so would be a long one. I'm just trying to figure out if the owner (it's for a hobby) is ignoring me about booking in classes or not. She's never been a good replied so I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not. So I thought I'd post on the group to see if she reacts to what I post so I guess if she doesn't accept maybe she ignoring me

You should be able to see if your post is pending approval. But it could also be that the whole group now needs post approval. And you won’t be able to tell. Only the group admin or a mod could tell you

 

[Former_Antelopee]

You should be able to see if your post is pending approval. But it could also be that the whole group now needs post approval. And you won’t be able to tell. Only the group admin or a mod could tell you

It says declined post and then if I click the manage post it says pending

 

[Snippysnips]

It says declined post and then if I click the manage post it says pending
View attachment 3406709
View attachment 3406710

Am on a few groups, usually when a mod needs to approve a post I see pending, however I've never seen declined and pending at the same time, when something gets declined the pending disappears

I wonder if it's somehow bugged out an the mod can't see it as pending or declined, or they have clicked on something an its not went through properly

 

[tomato_paste]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara witches" at this point because I despise my life so bleeping much I can't stand it any longer.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara witches" at this point because I despise my life so bleeping much I can't stand it any longer.

I’ve not started over but I am an adventurer by heart so would do it.
My feeling is if you suffer with depression and this is how you feel. Then get rid of everything jump in your van and yell “Sayonara witches”
Society tells us we must want a house and settle down but this is not for everyone.
Have you thought about communal living. The older I get the more that appeals to me. Or just sell everything and hit the road

 

[Codiaeum]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara witches" at this point because I despise my life so bleeping much I can't stand it any longer.

Hey,
please don't do anything drastic while strangers on the internet with probably zero chance of ever meeting in real life, I enjoy us talking here and would definitely miss seeing you around here.
I know you wrote recently about maybe selling your house to live in another city and interest in going back to uni. Both sounded so excited and something you were looking forward to exploring. If a "maybe it doesn't work out" is holding you back from pursuing something in favour of something you have now and actively dislike already, what is there to lose? Right now might be comfortable in terms of financials, but if you can't stand the other stuff around it, do you think you could make a prio list of what would need to change? Your job? Would you rather start in a new company or get qualification to get out of your field entirely? Your home? Would you rather maybe move into a shared space to be around other people, sell and move to a new city, maybe to go to uni and not need to worry about rent?
It's unfortunately not an easy evaluation, but fear of regret holding you back probably isn't the best advisor. Sure, it might not work out in exactly the way you would like to, but frankly, what does? You have one very big advantage: you already know what you don't like and it's what you have right now.

 

[littlepup]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara witches" at this point because I despise my life so bleeping much I can't stand it any longer.

To a point, yes I had to start over due to a relationship break down - moving out, having to change my job, losing almost all of my friends as they were more my ex’s and losing the lifestyle I had. I got to keep my dog and I had my family and moved back home so I guess in a sense there was some moving backward and I did have a base but it was still a totally new path.
It wasn’t a ‘choice’ as such so I had to make it work but the first thing I did was book an extended ‘holiday’ travelling in Asia. It allowed me to quickly build a new experience of my own and grow in confidence in my own abilities. It gave me something to talk about that wasn’t ’my old life’ too because the hardest part was to not keep going back there in my mind or in conversation.

I think if you’ve reached a certain point you have nothing to lose so just go for it. Honestly if you feel like if you keep going the way you are you’ll be dead in a year, does it matter if it doesn’t work out? And if it does work out it’ll save your life. You really do have nothing to lose so be sensible and plan for best case (don’t spend all your money and cut all ties) but take the leap. There are volunteer programmes abroad if you can find someone to dogsit for a while that might be a good start otherwise if you wait for spring you could look at seasonal work?

 

[T-time]

The idea of driving off into the sunset scares me but I do get that feeling of being stuck. Whenever that happens and if it's possible I book a holiday to some remote beach. Nothing that I have to do but read books, take baths and walk on the beach

After that I at least feel somewhat revived

Then it's time to do things that I love but haven't done because I had no energy to leave the house. Take walks in the park, go to concerts, art shows, do something like a pottery class. Mostly it's do something new so that I can feel accomplished again. And do something with friends so that I remember that I matter

While doing that I also take a multivitamin, extra magnesium before going to bed or in bath. I eat lots of salads or lettuce on bread and start to get back on track with my water intake

It's not an overnight thing but it always gets me out of a rut. Are there any changes you can make? Even something small like making your bed every day?

 

[Jas28]

I have been getting to know someone to build a friendship but I’m the only one who reaches out, asks how they are and asks any questions about them or their life. She doesn’t ask me anything about myself or ask me any questions. I’m thinking she’s not interested so doesn’t really care to ask, I don’t think she’s socially awkward because I’ve heard her converse with others fine. I think I should just leave it and ignore her too?

 

[Kim Mild]

I have been getting to know someone to build a friendship but I’m the only one who reaches out, asks how they are and asks any questions about them or their life. She doesn’t ask me anything about myself or ask me any questions. I’m thinking she’s not interested so doesn’t really care to ask, I don’t think she’s socially awkward because I’ve heard her converse with others fine. I think I should just leave it and ignore her too?

Some people don't want to pursue more friendship. They are fine with what they've got and are content to keep everyone else as acquaintances.
https://tattle.life/threads/friends-or-lack-of-2.39813/ There's a friendship thread on here.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Some people don't want to pursue more friendship. They are fine with what they've got and are content to keep everyone else as acquaintances.
https://tattle.life/threads/friends-or-lack-of-2.39813/ There's a friendship thread on here.

This If she's especially friendly and easy to talk to she probably already has many friends and therefore not looking for more. And that is no reflection on yourself