The advice thread for random problems #6

[Thank(space)you]

Quick question, can a married woman have a male platonic friend? A guy friend who has met your husband and you know you will never sleep with.

Anyone can have friends

 

[littlepup]

Spoiler: Might be TMI

My husband is at the doctors tomorrow because he has discovered a lump on his testicle.
I know there is more chance of it being something easily fixed and not life-threatening, but I'm still scared and can't help but worry.

I'm sorry if I haven't spoilered properly, I've never done it before.

There’s nothing to stop you worrying however, he’s seen a doctor and if they have concerns he will be fast tracked so you’ll know what you’re dealing with in 2-3 weeks.
Testicular C would likely have other red flags, benign lumps in that area are common and they’re are many other explanations. However if it were C, it’s one of the most treatable and survivable, close to 100%.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Trying & failing to look for a new job, was even turned down for a shelf stacking job at my local supermarket, I’m just fed up now, I live in a shared house, have a part time minimum wage job as a supervisor, no extra pay, they won’t up my hours (do roughly 20hrs a week) not entitled to any extra help ie with rent (it’s half my wage) & I’m just struggling so much, I just dream of having my own little place nothing fancy but my own kitchen, front door, etc (have en-suite luckily) but it’s never going to happen, I’m mid 40’s & just giving up I really am, I don’t drive, just feel like an absolute failure.

You probably didn't get a shelf stacker interview as you are a supervisor in your current job? Mid forties you have loads of experience. Don't give up, keep applying and the right one will come along. Don't sell yourself short either, what about customer service roles as well, look at what transferable skills you have. Good luck!

 

[FlipFlop0706]

I’m having a bit of an issue.

I’m dealing with a professional that I’ve known for a few years. We have regular appointments. In the last few months, I’ve noticed a few planning inconsistencies from their end such as sending me the wrong links for meetings, not advising me of their time off and leaving me wondering if our meetings still stand etc.

They emailed me last week during my time off to tell me they needed to cancel our upcoming appointment due to a personal matter. I of course understood and sent them a supportive response.

I therefore went ahead and made other plans for this time slot as I took it the appointment was being cancelled.

I then suddenly got a meeting invite from them essentially reinstating our initial appointment at the last minute. The same appointment they said they’d need to cancel.

As I pay for their services, I found that a bit unprofessional, especially as I’m a longstanding client. I really sympathise with their personal matter but what was the point of sending me an email explaining their personal situation as the reason to cancel the appointment they later on reinstated at the last minute?

Although I felt bad about this, I sent them a response stating that my understanding was that the appointment was cancelled and I now have another commitment. I politely asked to reschedule but they never responded.

Am I being too harsh?

No you are not being harsh at all. She told you they needed to cancel so you made other plans. Sounds unprofessional on her part or possibly she’s just not very organised?

 

[chickhicks86]

My daughter was supposed to have a beauty treatment this evening and the lady cancelled this morning because she was poorly with a sickness bug, of course this cannot be helped and I’m glad she told us my issue is she has been promoting said treatment on her page this evening and has been responding to comments, in my opinion this doesn’t add up! As I think if I were that unwell the last thing I would think of doing is this, am I overreacting or is this a bit odd? I’m not sure what to think? She offered to rebook for 2 days time and I’ve said I will let her know fortunately I didn’t pay anything

No wouldn't even cross my mind. The amount of times I've had to keep my kids off school for the "48 hour rule" after an episode of vomiting or diarrhoea and they've been fine and bouncing off the walls a couple of hours after it has happened.

 

[klarakluckbag]

Thanks to both of you for replying, I'm very grateful!
I've thought about it a lot, and I have a therapy sesh to look more into it next week as well, but I realised something.

My mother is very religious, a weird amalgation of Catholicism and Christan Fundamentalism, which has fucked me up a lot. Because, according to her, I am only "worthy" if I struggle. An easy life is worthless. Life needs to be a struggle. I don't deserve nice things, because wanting nice things is greedy and a sin.
Fucked up, right?

It explains so much - why my gut is not caught up with my brain, why I keep holding on to this current life that is much harder than it needs to be, why I don't allow myself to heal from my depression, why I keep making decisions that make my life harder.

I am too old for this shit. I don't need her approval but I still want it and that is, in the words of my favourite vine, disgusteng. I need to let go of her approval and of trying to seek her love. She has none to give.

I think you have to remember that organised religion is designed to keep the plebs in their place. If the congregation weren't indoctrinated to think that wanting a nice, easy life is a sin, they might just start asking why the (for example) Catholic Church can't share some of its vast wealth? Or why poor parishioners are still expected to put their hard-earned cash in the collection plate?
You'll never be able to please your mother, not even if you gave away every penny you own, hoisted yourself on a cross and died for everyone else's sins....you'd probably be told off for making a show of yourself . Some women just aren't very good mothers. There's nothing that you can do to change that, she's going to be a shit parent, whether you stay or go. So why not go? (And if you think that growing your own vegetables is an "easy life", then good luck with that! )

 

[PoppyKJ]

Honestly, it won’t take long for your dog to adapt. Dogs main senses are their smell and sound. So just keep talking to her to guide her. She’s going to bump into stuff, but like anything she will learn. Keep furniture the same, keep as much routine as possible - same walking routes etc.
If she is still struggling I would get a second opinion on if it’s just her eyes, particularly if she’s bumping into the same things.
I didn’t know my dog had gone blind, just thought she was a bit daft! Forever walking into anything that is out of its usual spot like the hoover/mop bucket but she has a great quality of life so hopefully yours will too!

 

[Lalla]

I think that it's completely understandable you should feel upset, I appreciate he has invited you along with his family (and of course given their loss it's right they would want to be together at Christmas) but knowing that you weren't able to accompany him, I feel like adding on a road trip is unnecessary and at best thoughtless, at worst hurtful.
Do you feel that he often puts his own wants ahead of any thought for you/ the relationship? You've been together a fairly long time, and tbh if he's like this now, I'm not sure he will get better. If you're thinking about a future involving children, I'd worry he'll end up being one of those dads who's always off playing sports or on weekends away leaving you holding the baby I may be being unfair though.

I was coming on to post something about Christmas too. Mine is that my son is away at his gfs from this Weds, he's then back here on Christmas Eve (but he's out all day/ evening with her family), Christmas Day he goes over to see his dad for a few hours, then in the evening he's going to his girlfriend's again until the New Year.
I'm a bit upset by this, I make a lot of effort to make sure we all have a nice Christmas and he's barely here for the next 2 weeks...basically I get to cook him a couple of meals on Christmas Day and wash up after him.
I've said I think he should stay here Christmas Day night and go over to hers Boxing Day, but I will probably get ignored. It just seems a bit sad to me that he can't spend more than 1 night here. His gf also lives at home so it's not like she has her own place, but it feels a bit like saying he prefers being at their house than ours.

 

[tomato_paste]

Hi everyone. Need some advice. It's a bit of a long one so my apologies in advance and please bare with me.

My brother (34) lives with my mom and my aunt in my mom's house. My brother has a job but does not pay rent, contribute to food/expenses, does not clean or even do his own dishes/laundry, and he does not drive.

**PLEASE NOTE: They live in a very rural area, they live 40 minutes from his job at mcdonalds. There is absolutely zero public transit available. My mom is an independent housekeeper. My aunt is essentially retired but not in the best shape these days.**

He lost his drivers license in 2021 due to a DUI - he was not actively consuming pot but he had it in his system and paraphernalia in the car. This was not alcohol related - resulting in rolling over his car going around a turn too fast. He paid the fines and completed everything associated with the DUI but has not bothered to try and get his license back - despite working a 5 minute walk from the DMV or getting another car of his own.

He has zero disregard for my mom and aunt who ensure that he gets to work at all hours because they do not want him around the house inevitably jobless if they don't take him. He does not pay for gas. Ever. He has several sexual partners all hours of the day and night coming and going from the house without warning.

He is very narcissistic, lazy, and has the ability to be violent. He consumes an exorbitant amount of pot - I'm a huge stoner myself but he tries to be absolutely stoned 24/7, smokes to and from work, AT WORK and all through the night. When he is home, he's most likely sleeping or playing Xbox all hours of the night while not working, with unsavory groups of people whom based off conversations that can be heard, act just like him.

If either of them ask for repayment or assistance around the house - he throws a fit.

He's not the type to go to therapy, he was never truthful in therapy as a kid so it was very unhelpful for him in the past. At this point, he downright refuses to consider it.

I will quite literally put him through a wall during a visit home if he ever loses his temper at my aunt or mom. My dad was abusive and I will never allow that again. He has turned into him in different ways.

So, I guess my question is, should I try talking to him? Like a dead serious what the fuck conversation? Any tips on how this should go? How should she go about kicking him out, can that even be done and legally keep him out?

Its just gotten so especially bad in the last 6 months.

I would talk to your mum and aunt first - they are, after all, enabling his behaviour.

There is no reason for him to get his licence since they'll drive him, and there is no reason for him to pay his share because he knows their threats are hollow.

They need to decided to lay down the law and stick to it, and they need to call the cops of he gets violent to enforce that this behaviour will not be tolerated. If they don't want to or feel sorry for their "boy" then there is nothing you can do.

But I'd keep out of it otherwise, and wouldn't talk to him. He a) won't hear you anyway, and b) he will fight tooth and nail for what he percieves as his "right", so his ire and anger might focus on you.

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

Parents of teenagers please help! My 14 year old daughter has arranged to sleepover at her friend's house Sunday evening, but I'm not sure on the etiquette, do I need the friend's parent's phone number? Do I just let my teen get on with it? They are organising it over WhatsApp. I know where the house is and who the girl is, but no idea on the parents. Never met them.

She hasn't been to a sleepover since she was in year 5 and she's year 10 now so I've no idea how these things work

It’s a weird one - this is where they start to get independent and don’t want you involved. I’ve usually asked for the number for emergencies and then text the mum saying “thanks for having XX on Saturday, she’s looking forward to it. Thought I’d share my number just in case you need it. Let me know if you need her to bring anything” - something like that so it’s not checking up as such but is good manners

 

[tomato_paste]

Has anyone here started over, completely, on their 30's or later? I'm just so tired of my life, it's itchy and uncomfortable and just doesn't fit me any more but I have no idea what else I want to do. And it terrifies me to stay where I am because I would regret it so massively if I did, but it also seems so foolish to give up everything I've built in the last decade for a midlife crisis?

I feel so dragged down by my job, my mortgage, the demands of my day to day, my depression is consistently bad, had been for years now despite antidepressants and therapy and yoga and all the stuff people tell you to do to fight this and somethings gotta give or I will literally unalive myself when my dog's time has come because she’s the only thing keeping me together at this point. The only thing keeping me from doing something irreversible is the thought of not knowing what would happen to her.

I just want to get into my van and drive off yelling "Sayonara bitches" at this point because I despise my life so fucking much I can't stand it any longer.

 

[Snippysnips]

Stuck with a decision between two cars, what would people go for

Toyota aygo
Or
Hyundai i9

Both are similar size which is the size I am looking for, originally I was thinking the aygo but after seeing the i9 am now thinking of it

Am also at the very fortunate stage where I could go new with both an also have colour choice so I can't even make the choice based on the milage or age of the car or colour

Thought I'd update on this an say thanks to all those that helped, the decision has been made an it will be the Aygo X, I sat in the Aygo an didn't quite feel right so they showed me the X which I instantly liked, test drove both an felt better in the X as well so thanks for all those that gave me info on the aygo, decided to go for the Edge model as well as I liked the two tone colour

 

[petitspois]

I currently have a bit of a situation with an online friend. We talk pretty much every day/ all evening usually and I recently went on holiday to their country and got to meet them in person and things were fine until a few weeks after I got back home.
I think they’ve been struggling mentally. But it’s hard not to connect the dots and think it’s about something to do with my holiday or something because it started to get worse from there.

I feel like I put far more energy into the friendship than they do at the moment. I’m sick of sending messages and getting blanked or that the only topic he seems capable of having a conversation about is the current game we play. I raised it as an issue a few weeks back. We talked it out but it’s just happened again and they’ve apologised but I find myself not wanting to accept the apology.

I feel like I’m convenient and the friendship doesn’t matter as much to them. Their argument is always “we talk every day, you’re not just a random person to me” but I’m finding it hard to communicate that for me friendship is about more than just being there as a presence. They once got quite upset about the prospect of losing the friendship but it’s hard to keep that in mind when I don’t feel like they do enough to warrant it at the moment. I’m a good friend to them, I’ve helped them out financially, got them a birthday and Christmas gift, move times around for them, check in on them when things feel off and try and support them in the best ways I can but at the moment I don’t feel like they even want me around- which could be them isolating themselves due to their mental health but it’s hard to rationalise that when I feel ignored.

I was planning on going back out to their country to do things that I didn’t get chance to do on my last trip and I feel like I’m getting red flags. They said “I hope you’re coming because you like it here and want to see things and not just because of me” which struck me as odd. I keep checking in that they’re going to hang out with me while I’m there (because I don’t want to go out there and be a complete loner) and they make me feel quite irrational for feeling like they might not want to hang out as much as we did last time.

Unfortunately, I think you have to take their actions as black and white and it looks like you are investing more than they are and need to accept it. It's not nice but you can't force people to put effort in when they don't want to. Personally, I'd pull back to chatting happily about the game you play and not expecting any more. It's not anyone's fault, it just happens sometimes.

 

[Buzz_off]

Person I've been seeing for the past 4 months casually let's slip "I've told you about the tickets I've got given to the posh new years do in London, right?" no he hasn't, in fact we've not even talked new year. When I tell him no, his response "oh well I'm not going, I've got no one to go with. I assumed you would be with the child."

I have a child full time, he know I can arrange childcare if I'm told in advance. In fact the night he is saying this, my child is with family..

One way to basically make me feel like I'm not good enough for such events or to be seen with him. Not the first time either. He's in a well paid corporate job, I became unwell and had to give up my career. He wonders why I've started to check out of the situationship. I'm worth more

 

[Scorpihoe]

I need some info......
Just watching a vlogger talking about how for a woman the most blissful feeling at the end of the day is taking your bra and makeup off.
She was wondering what the male equivalent was, so now I want to know!!!!
I can't ring any blokes I know up as I know they'll start getting "ideas."
So I'm throwing myself on the mercy of Tattle to assuage my curiosity.
What is the equivalent for men. That feeling you just can't beat......????

I asked my husband, for science reasons, and he said unbuckling his belt

 

[HelloStereo]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

 

[pinkmug]

A friend had a bit of a go at me today over text and I'm not sure whether I'm necessarily in the wrong or not (so I'm asking you lovely people). Sorry for the long post!

A close friend of mine lives about 5 hours away, so we talk over text mostly. The past 3 months or so I've been very unwell - absolutely exhausted - and so have been a bit 'quiet' with everyone, but explained why. I found out two weeks ago it's pre-cancerous cells, and told her immediately. I've been quiet over Christmas while I process the news. I'd say we've chatted once a week or so about various news or what's going on etc regardless, and she's currently planning her wedding so we've chatted about that too.

Today she asked me what I did on NYE and I said I actually spent it with my now-boyfriend - and that we need a proper catch up to talk about it. She said she was shocked and hurt that I hadn't told her earlier that I was dating someone, that she doesn't know now where we stand and that she's upset I haven't reached out to tell her more about my life. For context, I met him a few months ago through work and he's been my rock in a very difficult time. The relationship has developed slowly but it's been really lovely - despite being unwell he can't do enough for me and we had a quiet NYE - one of the best of my life. But it's very new, I haven't even introduced him to my daughter yet. I didn't feel I was hiding anything at all and told her so - she disagrees.

She also said I had 'abandoned my commitment to not be in a relationship'. I was really taken aback and this is where I wonder if the problem is her, not me. This stems from a simple conversation about six months ago where I'd given up on actively dating after a few very bad dates and I simply said I'll take the cards life deals me, and if someone comes into my life, great, if they don't, all good too. The conversation back then wasn't a pleasant one. I remember her response feeling patronising - she told me 'not everyone can have a relationship like mine and that's ok, you can find happiness alone'. She very much wants her life to be picture perfect and her upcoming wedding is a huge part of it - despite supporting her through constant arguments and tears with her partner. That's a whole other story in itself, but I've been supportive and non-judgemental. What I don't understand is why she's brought up this old conversation as if I made some kind of promise to be a nun - it feels like I've offended her by entering into a relationship. I now wonder if it's less about the timing of telling her, and it's more whether she feels some kind of 'threat' to her idea that she's in the best relationship ever etc.

So if you've got his far, when do you think it is right to let friends know about relationships? Did I wait too long? Or is it a case of jealousy or fear or something else?

I don't know if there's anything more to her frustration but based on what you've told, she sounds a bit resentful that she can't count on you to be "that friend" anymore, the friend that maybe she saw as a bit beneath her in some aspects maybe?

The fact that she went quiet after you've told her about your serious health scare but she was riled up enough to pipe up about your boyfriend is a red flag to me. Especially since you don't even live close. Life gets in the way for adults and we can't be constantly giving updates. Good friends understand this and they are happy for you. If this person is giving you an earful because you've abandoned your commitment to being single (??) I don't think she cares if you're loved and happy, maybe she liked you better when you were single and going through bad dates because she felt better about herself.

If you have been good friends for a long time, I'd text her to at least try and understand if there is another reason for this behaviour. If she gets defensive or carries on being accusing you of weird things like abandoning your convent or something, maybe it's better to let the distance do what it does best. I'm glad you have someone in your life to support you.

 

[bozlem3080]

My GP surgery, like many I can’t get an appointment but yesterday I got a txt message threatening me that if I didn’t make an appointment for my annual review for my ongoing medication they will basically ask me to leave the surgery & find a new one, I’m not on any ongoing medication, I last had antibiotics for a kidney infection in November last year & then medication for my gallstone attack in April last year, so now I need a blood test, next appointment 10th March! So it’s ok to threaten me but when I need an appointment & can’t get one then that’s ok! It’s a good job I’m not elderly & housebound, I did say the wording is disgusting & needs to be more tactful, but was told it’s a generic txt, anyway I’ve now found a new surgery as I won’t be treated like a piece of shit & feel the appointment is a waste especially when it could be used for people who have health problems ie diabetic, asthmatic etc….

 

[Snippysnips]

Thoughts about selling a house? I have the problem that I have 5 different types of flooring all the way through the house which makes for a very chaotic feel in the house. One of them is a more expensive vinyl which I just had done on the stairs. The other is hardwood, left over from the previous owner in bedroom 1, and the third is cheap laminate in bedroom 2 and 3 that I can’t buy any longer. Should I redo the floors with the vinyl to get a consistent look? Or is that money thrown out the window? I'm guessing the buyers will probably tear out the whole thing anyway but if it gives me 5k more on the sales price it might be worth it.

Honestly I would leave it unless you find that it's starting to damage the sale of the house, we spent a fortune doing up the bathroom in our last house thinking it was a bit dated an it needed a new one only for the people who bought it to completely rip the whole thing out so could have just saved the money an not bothered

I think most people will rip things out regardless, so I'd say unless it's coming up that people are being put off because of the floors then leave them, most are looking to buy because of the house itself an its location, a house in our street had a bright pink an green bathroom with blue doors an it sold lol

 

[qqwertyy]

Absolutely definitely 100% do things alone rather than wait for someone else, or with a group if you want to ease yourself in gently. Start off small, maybe an evening social event or a day trip somewhere. There are loads of girls social clubs popping up in bigger cities if you’re near or in one and they’re really great. You have the time and money now but you won’t always and you don’t want any regrets. Oh and there’s a solo travel thread if that interests you! TLDR: DO IT (apologies for the massive reply, I just feel so strongly about loving doing solo stuff!)