The advice thread for random problems #5

[Captainmouse]

Thanks, I'd like to imagine modern cars these days can handle them, I just always think back to my parents car they had that used to roll back down the hill going to Scarborough because it couldn't handle it 🫣

I’ll be honest years ago I had an Aygo as a hire car, it was gutless.

 

[becca7721]

Places have stopped doing refunds, online returns are charging now as well.
Too many people taking advantage I’m afraid.

 

[avabella]

He said he heard from people

I think I am gonna have to look around, my MOT and service isn't due for a month so I've got time

I’m so confused - you’ve taken your car in for an MOT and the mechanic has called you a maneater??
I’d have stopped that conversation right there and called his boss over to ask him to repeat it..!

 

[Snippysnips]

So I work in an office with no choice to WFH as there's some physical aspects. But 90% of the time I'm sat on my PC, bored out of my mind endlessly scrolling tattle

Is there anything I can do on my PC, without the need of headphones, to be productive? My screen is obscured from the rest of the office so could realistically do anything. I just feel like I should be doing something with my time that gives me more value...

I've done some Duolingo but not being able to do the listening/speaking aspects feels like cheating.

My work can be quiet at times so am getting put through sqa qualifications, it's through the council so getting paid for me, but you could look an see if there are any online courses you could take or maybe look at the open university, could be good to have something extra

 

[JoeBloggs]

Honestly? I don't think I'd be super heartbroken if he did breakup with me. It would just make my life difficult in finding somewhere else to live I've recently started therapy so I think this is something I should bring up. I can't really discuss with many people in real life as most of my friends are also his.

Interesting comment about the 7 year itch @JoeBloggs, it is something to consider. I believe my hormones are probably just out of whack but it's such an intense feeling it feels impossible to ignore/attribute it as something that will pass.

I was at a point a few months ago where I was working out if I could buy my husband out of our house, could I afford to live without his income and other implications. I didn't think it would pass but it has, obviously it is hard to know for someone else to truly understand how you feel in your relationship but speak to your partner as a start and therapy seems like a great place to also talk about it.

 

[becca7721]

@becca7721

Becca - your GP should still provide you with professional confidential support, whether this person goes to your surgery or not. All those services listed should help you even if the other person is seeking support too.

Do you have any mental health contacts? Can you try women’s aid? They may be able to support you in dealing with the police

Sorry it is such a hard time and they are not being more helpful

The GP said they can’t support me as well, likewise mental health team and social services. He doesn’t need to wait, because of a nhs wales scheme for veterans (it’s not called that but something else!) however, I must wait and it’ll be months, end of year most likely. NHS111 option 2 was useless as I’ve physical needs so refused to support me. All I was offered was mindfulness (in group with him and other men) and social group again with him and, in a pub - neither of which is appropriate.

I will look into whatever women’s aid is called here now there was some political falling out so they aren't part of them anymore ( same happened with victims support but I’d need to take calls where I live to have support from them as they aren’t based in this county and that’s not appropriate).

I look to see equivalent help for complaints for wales.

Thanks for the help.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

You wouldn't want to live near me. Our neighbour goes to church on a sunday morning and likes to do all his gardening before they go. I did get a bit cross when it was before 7am, and told him I didn't think it was very godly to inflict on people on a hot day when everyone had their windows open. He now waits until 8am..... and yes he's retired

 

[gabbysolis]

Is there a way you can see what emails you have blocked/muted? I think I might have blocked a company's an now I need to log in to get a old order but I forgot my password an its saying it's sent a link which an not getting so am not sure if I've muted or blocked them, it's on Gmail

go onto safari/browser and go into your gmail by clicking the circle at the top with your initial, click ‘manage your Google account’, People & Sharing, scroll down to contacts and there’s a section there for blocked addresses

 

[TheSlayer]

I’m all for cheap so I’ll try that first. I also read they’re not keen on strong smells and I have some lavender bed spray that someone bought me that unsurprisingly I’ve never used so I may douse the area in that too!

lavender is the exact thing to use. they hate it

 

[Mamacita]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

Could you suggest something else to do instead?

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

If you have netflix then use a VPN an access the USA netflix, I used one to access the USA Disney plus when I wanted programs, I used express VPN, pretty sure they offer a free trial for two weeks an you could try it out

I think I have tunnel bear. I’ll try it. Thanks

 

[Snippysnips]

I have a funeral related one
My husband's uncle, married to his dad's sister , has died. I don't think I've ever met him , I've only met her. They live over an hour away so that will be well over an hour each way travelling to the funeral . I don't want to go .I have a few days coming up with several things on , and I bet it falls on those days.
I'm likely to have childcare issues, either getting back for pick up , or no one to look after my youngest. I'm sure if I was employed, I wouldn't be given the day off for it.
I'm not sure how to say I don't want to go.

I'd just say either there's no childcare or your work isn't letting you take the time off, it's quite common for work places to deny the time off if they are not blood relatives an even if they do they usually only give you a time limit, my mum was only allowed 2 hours for a relative, it wasn't far so she was able to go but your 2 hours would be up just from travel alone

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

How do you deal with the senior person on your team asking you why you’re taking annual leave (that you’re entitled to)? Our manager approves it, but we only see him once a month, if that, but we need to let this senior person know when we are off.
It’s not a huge deal, I just don’t see why I have to justify why we take time off. Just because they over share, doesn’t mean the rest of the team want to. I could go down the “I’d rather not say” route, but that isn’t going to stop them from asking in the future.

Alternatively ask your manager to have a word with senior person. As @HoGi said I don’t think they are looking for justification, probably just making small talk.

 

[chickhicks86]

Looking for recommendations on best foot care, have taken up a ton of walking as I recently started a virtual race, next year I want to up my miles per day as I intend to do another challenge which is going be massive, but my feet are now starting to get some blisters as well as really rough skin around the heel especially

What's the best exfoliating and or cream out there to help with them?

Double skinned socks are your friend.

I swear by these ones, as good as any of the known brands - Socks

 

[TheGlossy]

I don't think they're obliged to offer you a refund unless faulty anyway?

No, it’s not about the policy itself. It’s about the fact the policy was disclosed during the transaction and at no point before.

 

[Unknown345]

Not to generalise but when men are caught like this the majority claim "addiction". Have you asked him why he thinks it's an addiction?. Did he do it when you were on holiday together, does he find reasons to sneak off and do it?. An addiction is different to just wanting to do something.

If you are determined to try and make it work I would suggest therapy. He needs his own before you do couples therapy.

I would also create boundaries that make you feel safe. For example no passwords you don't know, deletion of this email address and him going to all the accounts and deleting profiles etc. he also needs to come up with suggestions on how to make you feel safe not just ,"il do whatever you need".

He needs to be willing to show you his credit report and how much debt he is in. He needs to show you he is paying this off. This is family money and quite frankly of it was me he needs to realise he took this from his child.

Tbh you need to be prepared to be like his mother and in control for a while until he can prove he can be trusted. It's up to you if you think that's doable but also worth it.

Good luck x

Yes I’m definitely sure it was addiction. There were occasions that were just bizzarre to me, and would be to anyone else too! The deletion of the account multiple times and reactivating, the need to use other cards when the normal one couldn’t be used. The large amount of debt created from it. There are so many parts to it that scream addiction. I think the addiction is to masturbation and porn as opposed to cam sites. If he couldnt pay for cams, he would watch porn, and even Tiktok. He wasn’t solely using the cams but found that the most thrilling I guess.

since this has all come out, he has put multiple things in place such a as asked me to change his Apple ID password, logged out and got me to create a child one that I can choose what’s allowed on his phone, block websites and even alerts me to anything he’s doing/ downloading.

He asked me to download apps and logged into his emails on them, so I could see everything. He has also cancelled all of his cards and requested new ones that he will have no access to, to be able to purchase anything and has given me access to all bank accounts. He has given me the log in to clear score too. Literally everything I can now see on my phone anytime I want too.

He has also reached out to an addiction center for a like 5 day intro course into how to beat the addiction, contacted a counselor etc.

These are all things that I didn’t ask for or say that I would stay with him if he done. He has explained that he doesn’t feel he needs to do any of that to stop, as seeing how much pain he put me through was enough of a wake up call but wants to show how serious he is.

I can’t say that any of that will keep me with him, or fix any of this, but at the very least it’s nice to see some effort. I can’t imagine going through this and the person showing no remorse or effort at the same time, that would break me apart even more.

I really don’t know what my future holds right now, but I can only take it day by day and give myself more time to keep processing what’s happened. As I have said in a previous message, my world collapsed in the blink of an eye and the last 6 years of my life feels like a lie. It honestly doesn’t even feel real and that’s making it hard to process it all. I just hope I can get past this with or without him!
---
Sorry just to add, I did also post this in the other thread which has been linked above and most of my replies are there if there’s anything else you want to see about it ◡̈

 

[chickhicks86]

hi,

so took my child to the dentist who was angry but caring i guess fella, annoyed that i didn't bring my child to a dentist earlier as he is 12 now. anyway he mentioned my child having a decay tooth and a baby tooth. he said my child will need an extraction, now because he was angry at the start i just wanted to leave as i have social anxiety so didn't ask which tooth he is extracting the decay or baby tooth. now that i'm researching about it it says extracting child tooth should be avoided unless necessary as it can cause speech problems etc. the appointment is on Monday what do i do.

Are they taking out the decayed tooth or the remaining baby tooth? I would have thought taking the baby tooth out at this time will only be a positive thing - so that his adult teeth will align correctly in his mouth. I'm sure the removal of baby teeth would only be an issue when speech is still forming, so that sounds are made correctly etc when they're learning to speak.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I think the Aldi Colombian blend is amazing - so much better than the Nescafé types

 

[TheGlossy]

I’m literally livid right now.

I had previously posted about my fear of getting my tooth roots removed after two teeth had fallen out and abscesses grew. This fear due to previously incompetent orthodontists/dentists I had work done with before.

So, despite my fears, I went to get the procedure done by this dentist who supposedly is highly skilled and has 20+ years experience. At the end of the procedure, he tells me there’s a tiny part of the root he was not able to remove on one side because the root is too anchored in the bone and it would be risky to remove it.

Given I had to proceed with implants, I asked if this could lead to possible infections if the implant is put in with the remaining root. His answer was: ‘I obviously would have preferred to remove the entire root. I would have to drill the implant out instead of in’.

I mean this is a non-answer to me. It also raises the question as to whether he didn’t perform the procedure correctly. I know the root issue could be due to the fact the tooth feel out almost ten years ago. He told me that the roots were really badly decaying in my mouth.

I’m honestly very concerned now. I can’t see how we can go through with an implant if there’s 5% of the root left in there.

What a mess. I thought I’d fix one issue and ended with another one.

 

[Lalla]

Porn addiction is a massive problem, increasingly so. In the pre internet days, porn was limited to magazines on the top shelf of the newsagents, or videos that were bought mail order or from a 'private shop'. Yes of course people still watched porn but it wasn't readily available. Nowadays it's accessible within a couple of clicks, and that level of accessibility seems to feed addiction. I do worry for young people growing up now

I think in your position I'd want him to explore and understand why and how this compulsion developed, this is probably something he may not be able to answer right now and will need to work through in therapy. But he needs to understand this about himself to move on in the longer term; short term having you control his devices etc will restrict him, but that's not actually resolving the issue.

I know someone who was addicted to porn. He hid it incredibly well for a long time. In his case, he had an addictive personality, but also feelings of self loathing. His hidden addiction gave him a massive high when he indulged it, but then immediately after he hated himself for it, and so the cycle continued. He said he didn't know how to stop, because stopping would mean telling someone, which he couldn't do as he couldn't face the reaction of disgust. Unfortunately with people like that, if you stop one type of risk taking behaviour they just switch to another. He didn't go to therapy, just stopped looking at it - but because he'd done no work on himself (and never will) he just replaced the risk chasing with something else. This was my Ex btw - the porn addiction didn't split us up, it was what followed.

However that's not to say that your partner will go down this route - from experience I would say it's really important that he follows up the promise of going to therapy, and sees it through, however uncomfortable it might make him. It's also important that he wants to do it for him, and not because he thinks it will keep you on side. Does he have any other addictive/ compulsive behaviours? (my Ex had previous alcohol/ drugs/ gambling issues).