The advice thread for random problems #5

[tomato_paste]

Thanks so much for this, everyones advice is so helpful. I was starting to think I was going mad!

No they weren't horrible to her in school or anything, she was essentially criticising the way that their relationship started (I believe they were both with other people). I feel so much better after seeing everyones comments, I'm definitely going to put our relationship on the back burner for a while.

I totally get wanting to take a step back, but as a matter of perspective, has she been cheated on before? A lot of people who have gone through that have had friends and / or family who knew about the cheating and didn't say a word, who didn't "take their side" in the break-up and are still friendly with the cheater even though it's a very painful thing to go through and it puts a massive dent in your self esteem. Were I in that situation, it would devastate me if my friends or family didn't rain hell and brimstone down on the cheater. Maybe the whole situation is just a massive trigger for her?

 

[littlepup]

Thanks, I had no idea, nor does my friend who's going down there, the last time we were down we used a bank card but it ended up in a mess because they don't total the amount of people all together an put it through as one like they do here an they wanted one card per person (they wouldn't tell us this, it was actually passengers that helped us out because for some reason they didn't want to explain that) but we only wanted to use one card for us all so we kept on track of it, has this changed now the oyster cards are gone or still the same?

Preferable I just want to use the one card for all 3 of us as it keeps us on track rather than each of us using one card each an then having 3 cards to constantly check up on

also what do you mean by making sure to "tap out" an how much per day can you use?

You're not really going to be able to use one card as you tap the card to walk through the barrier. At a busy station you'll create a bottle neck with one person standing to the side to tap you all through.
Just each use your phone or cash card on contactless to tap against the oyster/card pad at the barrier as you go through here, you tap to get in and tap to get out. .
It'll cost what it costs but there's a maximum charge each day depending if you're peak and what zones you're travelling in, so once you reach that you wont be charged any more. You can still buy paper travel cards too. London Travelcard Prices and Types (londonpass.com)

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

My youngest daughter came home last night, her boyfriend made her come to see me as she's been very low recently and tearful. She's on the mini pill (progestogen) and I'm wondering if that's not helping as it's unusual for her to be so teary and anxious. She said she feels like she's on the verge of a panic attack all the time.... just wondering how to help her

 

[Snippysnips]

My next door neighbours seem to be away & their kids having a party, this started at about 16:00 & they’re so drunk if I go round there I will lose it.
I feel horrendous & just want to sleep/rest & they’re blaring music. I need to be up early for work so can’t really go stay elsewhere. Is there anything I can do?

Could call non emergency police, think it's 101 if your in the UK, they will go round an make sure there's no underage drinking an also tell them to turn the music down, I think it's 10pm it has to be under a certain noise level but am not 100% but you can still have someone go round if it's out of hand

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

If you’ve been let go of during your probationary period (due to “unsatisfactory performance”), what happens if a new employer asks the previous company for a reference? Would they state the reason why the probation was ended or just confirm the dates worked there?

Also, would it be advisable to just leave the role off your CV and cite career break, or would you still think it’s worth adding it on and just explaining the reasons?

Depends how long the person lasted before being let go. In all likelihood, the company would just provide a factual reference to future employers but perhaps check with HR if you can to see what the referencing policy is. If it was a month or two, I would leave it off the CV and say career break, if 6 months, be honest where possible and just say it wasn't for you.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Thanks everyone, I will suggest doing something else but I'm struggling to think of something else - we did bottomless brunch last year and afternoon tea the year before. I thought somewhere we could drink and play games might be fun but someone I know got into a massive fight at one of them recently which definitely puts me off going there. My son suggested some bar that's full of table tennis tables however this unlocked a childhood memory of how I hate table tennis
I need to think of something else - oh also it has to be daytime.
This is why I never do anything for my birthday as I can't make a decision.

What about an escape room?

 

[Brightstar72]

It's for your husband to attend, not you. It's weird to attend a funeral of smoeone you've never met.

If I was able to, I’d attend to support my husband but in your case, I’d cite childcare issues and not worry about it.

 

[avabella]

WHAT am I going to wear to an outdoor event this weekend. Food and drinks type thing where half the event is outdoors then the other half is indoors as the day goes on then we will all be going to bars etc after. It obviously isn’t the weather to be in shorts and t shirt. I have jeans (prefer black jeans for a night out, not really summery though) I am tempted to just not go if I can’t find something to wear

am I being over the top. Does it matter how much what I wear?!? is anyone going to care as much as me?

It is hard to pick something that is day and night

What about leather trousers and a nice top with shoe boots, can throw on a denim jacket later if needed

or long, wide legged linen trousers and vest top, can add a leather jacket or denim layer.

 

[Mamacita]

Yeh that is her reason for doing it. I go at lunch or 8pm so it's quieter.

I just found a quiet gym to support my optimal time for going which is right after work

 

[newtoyou]

Your health both mentally an physically comes first, personally I'd rather someone be off rather than come to work A sick an pass it to me or B come in totally stressed/anxious an it ends with a argument or nothing gets done, or the work gets badly affected

Remember places will replace you within a week so take care of yourself first, your job isn't worth sacrificing your health over, is it worth talking to management about how your mentally struggling with her? Or are you able to talk to her an explain what's going on? Sometimes people don't realise how much they push an if you go with it they keep pushing, if it's brought up then maybe she will realise an calm down, so if you can't talk to her then let someone know, most workplaces have (or should) have mental health practices in place for employees

My strategy now is to just let her do what she wants. Sometimes she just doesn’t let things go and I can’t be bothered to push back on it. It’s not important at the end of the day. The project ends very soon and after that I’m not going to take on any more with her so I think it’s fine. It’s just this final push at the end. This time last year I became very anxious partly cos if the project. I did tell my manager that and I’ve let go of some work now. I think I’m worrying about that happening again so am trying to think of ways to avoid it. Hence wanting to just not go to that particular meeting cos I know she’ll be stressy and I’ll be exhausted.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you, most sites were giving Gatwick so I'll stick with there
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It might be if I looked more, I believe it was Gatwick, Luton and Stansted most sites had, I'd be going from Glasgow

Stansted will work. Any one of them will require a train or bus but they’ll all take you into central London. They usually have express trains straight through.
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He's my mechanic but he's also very interested in dating me. He says he meant it as a joke but it didn't come across that way to me.

He didn’t mean it as a joke. He meant it like you owe him, like if you are that person why would you turn him down. Why else say it?

 

[tomato_paste]

A friend of mine is selling his van and I'm tempted to buy it - he wants 4k for it, it has a built in vanlife - setup.

But it has over 200k kilometers and I think it's a ford transit from before 2010 which are know to have huge issues with rust. I know he has done some work on it, getting rid of rust as he's really good with welding, so it might not be an issue.

I want to do a 3 month trip to Sweden next year so I have enough time to look for a different car, but I would have to build the whole setup. Plus, I'll be buying in a different country probably which has tax implications too.

I want a reliable car as I will be spending a lot of time on the road. But that is always the risk with used cars, you could buy a lemon and not even know.

I don't know what to do really. Seeing my mechanic on Monday anyway and will ask him too, just thought maybe someone could weight in.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

How do you deal with the senior person on your team asking you why you’re taking annual leave (that you’re entitled to)? Our manager approves it, but we only see him once a month, if that, but we need to let this senior person know when we are off.
It’s not a huge deal, I just don’t see why I have to justify why we take time off. Just because they over share, doesn’t mean the rest of the team want to. I could go down the “I’d rather not say” route, but that isn’t going to stop them from asking in the future.

 

[becca7721]

My daughter is in Year 10 and doing well academically but struggles socially. She won't do her Maths homework because the teacher shows on the board who has completed their homework and who hasn't. She doesn't want to be called a nerd for doing her homework. My daughter is extremely shy and I'dhate for her to feel embarrassed, but equally Year 10 is an important year and I'd like her to keep doing well in her Maths.

I just wondered what other people think as I've just had a notification that she hasn't completed her maths homework again.

It sounds like the teacher is viewing doing that as encouragement for the class and, not actually thought it through, sometimes things that work on paper/assignments don’t actually translate into the real world of a class of 14/15 year olds who are going to be pouncing on differences because that’s what happens at that age.

I’m sure if it’s pointed out to the teacher in an appropriate way by another they won’t do it anymore.

 

[Mamacita]

I don't think there's anything magical about 5am. I think it's good to get up and go to bed at roughly the same time though (not that I have been recently but feeling shit because my sleeping pattern is messed up ) I'm not a morning person and getting up at 5 would kill me. But optimal time for me is waking up between 8-9 and falling asleep between 10.30- 11.30. So I think everyone should find out what works best for them.

 

[stargirl23]

I nee some advice to get over some fears / mental block pertaining to dental work.

I went to the dentist on Tuesday due to wisdom tooth pain. The dentist advised the tooth is decaying and will need extraction.

He took x-rays and saw two significant abscesses around the root of two molars and advised extraction was needed because the roots are essentially falling apart (not surprised as I was aware of the root issues but postponed the procedures).

I will need to get implants to replace the two molars (which again I was aware of).

Now, I know I need to get all of this work done and it seems urgent as I need to protect the rest of my teeth and I’ve been quite self-conscious about the state of my teeth. The dentist is highly experienced (20+ years) with a solid training (including training in my birth city overseas where I know dentistry training is good), so I trust his expertise.

The issue is that I’m scared. I’ve had negative experiences with dentists growing up (one orthodontist who pretended they were correcting my overbite for 6 years with braces, when the social security stopped covering the treatment, they removed the braces and said they couldn’t do anything for me and dropped me as a client, overbite left remained in corrected. A few years later, went to a dentist for a check up and he started drilling into one of my molars 2 minutes in, without informing me or explaining anything. He didn’t finish the procedure and left me with a huge hole in my tooth which I had to fix elsewhere).

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this? I’m terrified something might go wrong again.

No advice but I have SEVERE anxiety especially with dentists. I was having a filling once and felt everything and begged for more anaesthetic and was given none. Switched to a new dentist few years ago and had both bottom wisdom teeth out. I find going in telling them you’re anxious helps as they’re more patient with you and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I genuinely felt nothing! Good luck xx

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

You could try Michael Mosely's 5:2 (Fast 800 or Fast 800 Keto). His books also explain why it works long term rather than being a fad crash diet. Different things work for different people but it might be worth a go.

Maybe calorie count? Ive heard about apple cider being used but have never used it myself, also putting fresh ginger in food is supposed to be a good fat burner, also stop eating I think it's 4 hours before bed, an apples if you are hungry between meals

Thank you both. I thought it would probably be restricting calories combined with more exercise. I'm just so bad at counting calories, I always get it wrong

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Three months ago I was a victim of a crime. Went to police who were at the time of reporting helpful and sympathetic. BIT I wasn’t given a reference number or any paper. A week later I was assigned the same officer as the person who committed the crime. Person breached bail but officer refused to do anything as “no point”. This officer last rang me two months ago to say they’d let me know what was going on. Nothing since, except 111 refused to come see me as the property can only be visited with armed police.

All day I’ve had calls from an unknown number (police told me not to answer withheld or unknown numbers) which I’ve answered and was asked how satisfied I am with how my case WAS handled.

Am devastated.

I’ve told no one the details, and no one knows the number except police who have put on their social media yesterday how they’re zero tolerance to what I went through and, a victim support policy which is a load of rubbish.

I don’t know what to do. Thoughts?

Without knowing what the crime was I can’t give too much help. But there are normally specific groups working with victims of said crimes. Ie if domestic violence there should be a local support group who can help and if not there are fantastic national ones

 

[CoffeeMamma]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

If it's your birthday absolutely not. Maybe something like a bottomless brunch where there's lots of drinks options? Or if you want something more upmarket an afternoon tea with the option to add wine/prosecco?
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If you’ve been let go of during your probationary period (due to “unsatisfactory performance”), what happens if a new employer asks the previous company for a reference? Would they state the reason why the probation was ended or just confirm the dates worked there?

Also, would it be advisable to just leave the role off your CV and cite career break, or would you still think it’s worth adding it on and just explaining the reasons?

Not quite the same but I left a company in very negative circumstances, I just used to let people contact them and my manager would say "yep CoffeeMama worked here from x to y" then used other people as reference for my character. You can't give a bad reference but they can give facts and it's way easier to be honest than talk yourself out of a lie at a later date

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I used to do a 6 -2 shift so got up at 5am most days for ages. Winter was the worst as well as the first 10 minutes out of bed but after that it was good, especially finishing work at 2pm!

I did similar in my teens and used to see OAP's/obviously retired people on my early bus and think 'why the heck are they on here and not having a lie in'. After years of early starts with work/kids I get it, you just end up programmed to wake (and it sucks ).