The advice thread for random problems #5

[Bloody orange Hell]

Any tips on ways to not feel so down when totm is near? It’s getting worse as i get older, and i suffer the entire week before, the days of period are not so bad then there’s a few days after to get back to normal again where I don’t feel my best. I know it’s part of life and I’m trying to tell myself it’ll pass

It’s very boring but the thing that made my horrendous PMT disappear completely, was cutting out sugar and caffeine from my diet. I ate lots of fruit and veg but no added sugar - baked goods, condiments stuff like that.
ETA: the clean eating diet was full time - not just for the PMT days. Like I said, it was pretty boring.

I have tried just about everything else - supplements, light therapy, exercise etc. I used to have it really badly for about 10 days before my period would start.

 

[becca7721]

Obviously someone has screwed up but the claim cannot be closed by you alone. You both need to attend an appointment at Jobcentre to sort this out and, get some advice because if he’s still been getting UC whilst you are working he may have been overpaid depending on the taper on your salary etc.

With my friends her husband was lead claimant and sorted everything out so is contact, she hasn’t been - it’s still a joint claim though.

UC is such a bloody mess, it really is. So many vulnerable people been caught out by it. It was the same with the extra £20 during covid used to get people to transfer to UC early with no idea it would be stopped because no one was clear on that.

 

[TheGlossy]

Another day, another delivery drama.

I was expecting a package today. At 6am, I received an email stating the package will be delivered today.

I checked the tracking at 8am and it said they attempted delivery at 6.10am this morning but it failed, so I have to go pick up the item myself at their delivery unit.

What? What kind of service delivers at 6am? What kind of nonsense is this? Surely this is a fake update because they can’t be bothered to deliver to this area.

I’ve never heard of any national post service delivering packages to private persons at 6am!

Following up on this - I was told I won’t be delivered because they have no staff on this route & I will need to collect the package myself.

Unreal. How are these clowns accepting packages going to this route if they don’t have any staff to deliver! I paid a delivery fee to collect the package myself. I’m essentially doing their job for them while they’re getting paid!

 

[littlepup]

Need some ideas for hobbies...
I like reading and gardening. I’m early forties. I just need some distraction and distance at the moment and on working on me I’ve realised I don’t have any hobbies? Don’t know what to do? I’m quite creative. Hobby ideas please?

Do you want something to do alone or something social? If it’s the latter a book club might be fun. You can do classes in sewing, jewelry making, are, pottery, flower arranging etc. There are hardening societies in most town and villages.
Moving away from crafts, things that take time rather than investing in kit you could join your parish council, town or village halls often have fundraising commitees. Schools and not for profit organisations need volunteers laymen for their boards. You could even look at being a magistrate.
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Not really sure there’s a solution to this (other than get a new job) but I’ve got myself into a niche job which I now hate. I’ve been signed off with stress until the end of the month and I just can’t work there much longer. I’m talking to recruiters etc but I feel so stuck, my mental and physical health have taken a complete nosedive.

While you’re looking for something else could you try writing down all the things you used to enjoy about the role and trying to concentrate on those while you work out your notice. Take a day at a time. If you can do something for a minute, push it to an hour, then a day. Just 5 days and you’ve done a week and so on. Break it down into manageable time blocks and just try to get through until the next lunch break, evening, weekend.

 

[Rubberdungeon]

Hello, I haven't posted in a while but don't really know where to turn and here tends to give good advice. Recently, my ex fiancé contacted me after a lmost 9 years of no contact. In their message they basically apologised for how things went down between us, then added that they hope I'm in a better place now and wish me all the best, ending it with sending lots of love. Just for context, my ex fiancé was very abusive physically, emotionally and other ways to me and treated me so badly. I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days but I truly believe he was/is.

I replied to his message, I don't know why, I think because I'm not the type to hold grudges with people and also knowing him, he would say well I tried to be the good person and reach out and she couldn't even reply back. I replied saying I appreciate his message of apology and asking if him and his parents are well. Then he never replied back. I just feel a bit confused why randomly almost 9 years later he would message out of the blue to then not reply to me and I find it quite weird. I've had exes, family, friends message months or years after talking before and there was always a line of communication happen.

Don't ask me why I care, I can't say why but it's left me feeling a bit confused what the point was to reach out and has opened up old wounds to be honest when I thought I was doing ok. Has anyone else ever had an ex pop up to not reply either lol or am I the odd one out? Sorry for the long message!

Hey, I totally get why you're feeling confused and kind of shaken up right now. It’s really hard when someone you had a serious relationship with, especially someone who hurt you deeply, suddenly shows up in your messages after so many years. It can stir up a lot of emotions, even if you’ve worked hard to move on.

Honestly, it sounds like your ex reaching out was more about him than about you. People like that often try to clear their conscience or seek validation without really thinking about how it affects the person they hurt. It’s really telling that he sent this message and then disappeared after you replied, almost like he got what he needed and left you with all the emotions to deal with.

You responded with grace and maturity, which shows how far you’ve come. His silence after your reply says a lot more about him than about you. Don’t let it make you second-guess yourself.

It’s totally normal that this has brought up old wounds, and it's okay to feel the way you do. Be kind to yourself as you process it. And if you feel like these feelings are weighing on you, maybe reach out to a close friend or a therapist to help work through them.

Just remember, you’ve grown and healed and you don’t owe him anything more. You've already shown more strength than he probably deserves.

Take care of yourself!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks for this, I also should have been clearer but it's going be for the buses more, I don't think I'll be using the underground as I really don't like them so it's either going be walking or the bus, can the buses use the paper travel cards as well?

Yes, but on the buss you can also just tap your card. But again each person will need their own card. From experience I find tapping my bank card much easier than using a papercard. A papercard is so easily missplaced. If it’s two adults really consider each just using your own card

 

[Mamacita]

I’m literally livid right now.

I had previously posted about my fear of getting my tooth roots removed after two teeth had fallen out and abscesses grew. This fear due to previously incompetent orthodontists/dentists I had work done with before.

So, despite my fears, I went to get the procedure done by this dentist who supposedly is highly skilled and has 20+ years experience. At the end of the procedure, he tells me there’s a tiny part of the root he was not able to remove on one side because the root is too anchored in the bone and it would be risky to remove it.

Given I had to proceed with implants, I asked if this could lead to possible infections if the implant is put in with the remaining root. His answer was: ‘I obviously would have preferred to remove the entire root. I would have to drill the implant out instead of in’.

I mean this is a non-answer to me. It also raises the question as to whether he didn’t perform the procedure correctly. I know the root issue could be due to the fact the tooth feel out almost ten years ago. He told me that the roots were really badly decaying in my mouth.

I’m honestly very concerned now. I can’t see how we can go through with an implant if there’s 5% of the root left in there.

What a mess. I thought I’d fix one issue and ended with another one.

I think you should have the whole thing removed before getting an implant, at least my dentist told me that. I had a root canal years ago which wasn't done completely because the root bends slightly so extremely hard to fill it fully. I now have an infection starting in there so will have to get the whole tooth removed. It sounds weird getting an expensive implant when you might need to get rid of it if infection happens

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

A friend of mine is selling his van and I'm tempted to buy it - he wants 4k for it, it has a built in vanlife - setup.

But it has over 200k kilometers and I think it's a ford transit from before 2010 which are know to have huge issues with rust. I know he has done some work on it, getting rid of rust as he's really good with welding, so it might not be an issue.

I want to do a 3 month trip to Sweden next year so I have enough time to look for a different car, but I would have to build the whole setup. Plus, I'll be buying in a different country probably which has tax implications too.

I want a reliable car as I will be spending a lot of time on the road. But that is always the risk with used cars, you could buy a lemon and not even know.

I don't know what to do really. Seeing my mechanic on Monday anyway and will ask him too, just thought maybe someone could weight in.

In South Africa 200K on the speedometer means it's still basically brand new Don't let that put you off. Rather think if your friend is trustworthy and have a chat to him about your concerns ie breaking down. If he's looked after the van then you should be fine for 3 months
We had a brand new van at work and it was a complete lemon. Constantly had issues

 

[xbxbx]

I tried that, they said because it's a joint claim my husband has to have a meeting too even though his circumstances haven't changed!!
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I messaged them telling them I didn't need UC anymore, they sent out a form which I duly completed. They then said i had to do one online. Which I did. I don't understand what is missing because surely they're getting my information through my NI number each month? I think I'll try this next

It’s been a while since I worked for DWP so some of this information might be outdated but - if you live with your partner and they claim UC then you need to have a joint claim regardless of whether you are working or not. Any money you earn from your job will then be taken into consideration to then determine how much you and your partner will be paid in UC. You won’t be able to close your claim and your partner have a single claim as in the eyes of DWP, if you live with someone then any money coming into the household needs to be taken into account. You will only be able to close your claim if your partner is also closing their claim.

Like I say this may be outdated as I haven’t worked there for a few years but if you’re not getting any clarification from DWP then maybe try Citizens Advice just to double check the rules?

 

[Snippysnips]

Small children scream all day at very high pitches. Would absolutely not feel bad doing work in the evening. It's a lawnmower not a hydraulic drill

I'd take a lawn mower over my neighbours two screeching kids that scream from morning to night as well as blast shitty music

Also looking for some advice, been told by my boss tonight that I've to interview tomorrow, does anyone do interviews, any advice on how to prepare for it, I've got some basic questions I've to ask but aside from that I've never done this before an really no clue as to what to look out for

 

[yeoooo]

Hi loves 🫶 I can’t think of a better place to ask this question as I don’t have many friends. I guess I’m looking for people to tell me it’s okay (when it’s probably not.
Here’s my dilemma. I was with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost 5 years. Things had been rocky for about 6 months and I knew I had to end it but we had a holiday together so I thought I’d stick it out until then, who knows, it could be a phase. Anyways, I went away on a girls holiday and ended up sleeping with a guy. I then came off the trip and ended it with my partner less than 3 days later… if someone were to ask me “have you ever cheated?” What would you say? Technically I mean I did but, there were circumstances… I ended for other reasons very quickly after and was going to anyways. The night with this guy was absolutely not planned nor did I think in a million years I’d do it. Idk i guess I’m looking for some help with now dating life… thank you 🫶

Yes you definitely cheated but I wouldn’t disclose this. Good luck with the dating

 

[Jadejones9596]

Fuck society. Paying full rent/mortgage and bills sucks stay as long as you can. Enjoy paying half (if thats what you're doing) and enjoy living with a mum you're best friends with. My mum is annoying AF

Oh yes I give her basically what she pays for her mortgage on a monthly basis and I help out around the house. Thank you, that’s comforting to hear that actually. She can be annoying and a bit much but she’s the best x

 

[Snippysnips]

Now her narrative is that she heartbreakingly gave up a cat she loved so much to a very very dear friend who promised to send her constant updates for the rest of his life.

Definitely sounds likes she's trying to keep you in contact through emotions, I've always believed if you truly love animals you find a way to keep them an not give them up, if it wasn't that well looked after an then given up then she clearly wasn't "heartbroken" over given it up, it's more like she wants the cat without the responsibilities of owning the cat, I hope you can find a way to eventually go no contact with her

 

[littlepup]

A guy called me a maneater back in January and every time they message me I feel hurt by it all over again
I have low self esteem and I am not proud of my promiscuous past.

The advice I'm seeking is how can I let go of this hurt?

Did he mean to be hurtful?
You don’t need to justify your past actions. You made decisions and are responsible for them but they are your own business, not for others to discuss. If you want to, to take a controlled response, you could say something like you don’t see yourself that way anymore and, while he’s entitled to his opinions, you don’t wish to hear them nor be judged, if he mentions it again, you’ll choose not to entertain it.

Take a look at “The Bill of Assertive Rights”

The Bill of Assertive Rights | Articles | Revolution Learning & Development

In this article, we explore the 'Bill of Assertive Rights,' which highlights the freedoms we have to be ourselves without disrespecting others, and how understanding these rights can help us respond assertively in various situations. We also examine each right in detail, emphasizing the...

www.revolutionlearning.co.uk

 

[Mamacita]

Yeah I do, but I have no other choice. We've had performance reviews this year for the first time and my team lead is just not happy with me, hasn't been the entirety of 2024. And I'm tired of disappointing him, and I'm tired of disappointing myself. I just don't know how to fix this. I keep trying but I can't even find it in me to go to bed at a decent time so I can at least be present, and well rested, during normal working hours.

I have some hobbies but the interest and energy to do them come in bursts and are solitary hobbies - reading, writing, long walks with the dog, doing home reno / improvement projects, gardening, gym. None of those are conductive to a good social life, I know, but I don't have it in me, at the moment, to be consistent enough to do any sort of team sports or weekly thing. It's like, no matter at what point of this horrible loop I'm trying to apply changes, because I know I need to change something in this loop, it just doesn't stick. And doing all the changes at the same time seems overwhelming.

I guess there's nothing but trying, is there. I can either try, or it can stay as it is, which is terrible, terrible enough that unaliving myself seems like a decent option sometimes, to be honest.

But I've given up alcohol (not that I ever drank much, it just doesn't mix well with my meds) and it hasn't exactly been hard but it isn't easy when I just want to let loose sometimes and see others around me have a fun time being tipsy - but for the sake of my mental health I did it, and I need to apply the same to other parts of my life too.

Did they say why they're not happy and discussed an improvement plan? I would try and speak to your manager and discuss your issues and mention you are struggling. They should be receptive to that- it really sounds like you're burnt out and pressuring yourself won't help. Being stressed makes everyone make more mistakes rather than less.

I understand about solitary hobbies as I'm similar and an introvert and generally don't often have energy to be social. Just try one step at a time, sounds like you are doing it with giving up alcohol etc. Maybe next step is trying to get to bed at decent time at least on some days? Being tired defo doesn't make things better.

I realise the things I'm saying are probably annoying and Im sounding like I'm saying just do it but it sounds like you need to take a step back, take a deep breath and prioritise 1-2 things at a time you want to improve. Don't try to improve at work, improve habits and develop a buzzing social life all at once.

And with work, honestly it's not worth giving up on life over. I know that it's shit feeling like you're not doing well at work but sounds like you care and you're just in a bad spot. There's people at work who literally do a shit job AND don't give a fuck and think they're all that. in the end it's just work, none of it matters, in 5 years it won't matter at all and in 100 years us and our workplaces likely won't exist, so it's not worth giving up your whole life to it

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I’ve used a lot of box dyes and in my experience yes that will be fine, however, the instructions generally say don’t try and do a dramatic colour change and only aim for two shades lighter/darker. How blonde is it and how much darker do you want to go?

Alternatively, is it worth going back to the salon and telling them you’re not happy so they can fix it?

Absolutely go back to the salon and have a moan. I assume you're not going to use them again @Donald23 so what's to lose?.

 

[TheGlossy]

So I went ahead and double checked the retailer’s policy in this regard to make sure. Their policy clearly reads ‘front door delivery’ not ‘halfway across the street’.

 

[tomato_paste]

Thank you, I'll give that a try.

you can try google with the search parameter site:https://your-council-website-link and then the name of the person(s) involved. Might help speed up your search. Also sometimes DuckDuckGo works better than Google for these things as they don't algorithmically sort and filter the results.

 

[Snippysnips]

Thanks for the reply.

When walking by earlier I overheard people commenting on it, so I’ll just let it run it’s course I think, I’ve too much on my plate right now. The tesco thing was a really bad example of what I was trying to say, so ignore that! Sorry. The best before expired is mixed in the same basket and same price, so it’s all £2 (for example). I could understand if it had a use-by as well but none of it does.

Yeah I'd let it run it's course, eventually people will end up buying past it's before date an taking it back a bit pissed off if they have picked it up thinking it's good when it's not, I know for me I'd like to know if it was past it's date as some foods are really disgusting, crisps for example I find go all soft, so if they are mixing them all in then eventually that will come back to bite them in the ass without you having to get bother from the husband

 

[allthingschocolate]

I think the only thing you can do if you don’t want to say stop parking there to her is put your car where she parks and ensure she can’t park anywhere else on your land. And remain consistent. Sounds like you’ve said yes and meant the once and she’s heard yes and decided it meant for now and ever more so annoying!

Thankyou yes your right some people feel the need to take advantage, there are flats opposite and if there isn’t a vacant visitors space free then she parks right outside my front door where my window is its unbelievable! I don’t get why she needs to park right outside her daughter’s house it’s completely lazy and entitled behaviour, especially when there’s plenty of space round the corner! The irony is she’s a real fitness fanatic too