The advice thread for random problems #4

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

It's possible that what he has already done would be considered Malicious Communication, bordering on Harassment and therefore they may begin an investigation.

If it doesn't meet that threshold yet it is still important that there is a record of what is happening.

I'm also concerned about the possibility of his behaviour escalating in which case it's much better to have a contemporary record of incidents rather than having to remember everything at a time of heightened stress. He may also have behaved like this previously.

If I was in your situation I would absolutely be involving the police at this point. However, if you really don't feel you can, then start making notes of everything that is happening. So time/date, type of contact, threats, comments, everything that is happening at work and how it's making you feel.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I'm estranged from my family, but I recently found out that I'm a beneficiary in a will as my gran has left me some money. I was not estranged from my gran but I am from the person who is in charge of sorting out probate.

I'm not really sure who to contact about this or whether to just leave it and let them have it. It is a significant amount of money.

 

[littlepup]

Is it rude to take the service charge off a bill even if the service has been good? I’d rather just leave a cash tip at the end of the meal if the service has been worth leaving one.

The other week we were in a restaurant we go to a lot for over 4 hours because the service was that slow. I asked to remove the service at the end which I felt was justified but then I felt dead uncomfortable asking, like they’re gonna be really offended and I don’t know if I am overthinking it.

I worked in a restaurant about 10 years ago which charged a service charge on the bill, and you got an extra £1 an hour added to your wages. Not entirely sure what happened to the rest of it, felt like such a scam as a waitress. If someone asked to remove the service back then a manager had to come and do it and they’d be asking you loads of questions about why they want it removed which was so uncomfortable.

we’re going to London for the weekend and have a few meals booked in quite nice places and I can’t decide if taking off the service is going to be a situation

They are increasingly adding 20% service in London, then doing things like adding £2-5 a head for filtered water or “invisible chips” which is a £3 charity donation without explaining or consulting you. It’s an absolute piss take and I’d have no qualms saying ‘take it off’, espically if it’s somewhere I’ll never go back to.
(Though I generally get annoyed with “do you want to round up for charity?” so they can then say “we donated millions to charity” as though it’s coming from profits.)

Many moons ago when I waitressed a tip paid by card went into a kitty and divided end of the month with kitchen staff, chefs etc whereas a cash tip went directly to the server. It was frustrating to be on shift with someone who made no effort but still got a share so I’ll often ask now.

 

[Hastaggifted]

Would you move to NI to self build if it meant leaving the house and area you love but you would be mortgage and debt free. Live in the countryside with no neighbours. Your husband could work less hours and you'll have a better quality of life?

My husband has decided that's what he wants to do, he just needs to convince me and our kids.

We'd have about 200k in the bank after selling our house.

He's a builder and thinks he could buy land and build a house for 150k

His uncle is selling 3 acres with planning permission within a 12 acre field

To add, I've never been to NI, never shown any interest in visiting. I've been with my husband 18 years and he's only been over a few times in those years for funerals.

Not particularly close to family. Take my mum shopping a couple of times a week. No proper close friends.

Would you?

 

[littlepup]

So we have had a letter through the door from some random company about flood defences, it's to be filled in but am not comfortable giving the details they want, what they want to know is

Who owns the house
How much it was bought for
If it's paid off or how much the mortgage is
Jobs an salaries
How long a day we are in the house
What we pay in bills

Is this legal to ask these things? I don't know who this company is or why they want to know this, they are nothing to do with the housing estate, it's just some random company, they also haven't told us anything about what flood defenses they are doing like what they are putting up or where

It said if we didn't fill it out they could show up at our door an fine us for it or face imprisonment, is this a way to scare us into filling this out?

Sounds a lot like a scam. Have you googled the company name?

 

[Popcornshovel]

Friendship dilemma:

My closest friend and I chat all day every day. Last met in person 1.5 weeks ago. Tentative plans to meet up this week.

She last replied to a message of mine on Tuesday.

Wednesday we last interacted on an online game.

Thursday was absolutely zero activity and I started to get worried something had happened.

Since Friday she has been active on our online games (but not interacting with me/anyone). Not replied or read to any of my messages on any platform.

I do have friends where if I don't hear from them for days/weeks/months it's not worrying or out of character. But with her it is different, it is VERY out of character. But as of yesterday I know she is alive, at least.

My best friend of over two decades ghosted me a couple of years ago, so I think I'm feeling a lot of the pain and confusion and fear of that now, and I don't want to be acting on an impulse to reassure myself/make myself better.

When I realised something was up I sent a "thinking of you/here if you need me" message. I could text, if she is avoiding the apps, or phone (though I know she hates calls). I stood down my plans to message her mum/partner in case something had happened to her, when I saw she had been active yesterday.

She does have various things going on in her life that I could see having a kind of sudden/acute change (family illness, caring responsibilities) but she has never disappeared from communication like this before.

What should I do? What's a "normal" response/course of action? Just think, okay, I know she is alive, and wait for her to get back in touch, if she ever does?

Yeah I'd wait for her to get in touch. It doesn't sound like she's ghosted you, sounds like she's been busy or something has taken up her time. If it's another few days you could send her a message asking if she had a good new year's eve or saying happy new year.

 

[Elle Woods]

Thank you. I tried to leave two years ago but with a mortgage, unable to afford rent etc it wasn't possible so we stayed together. He also told me over the years if I ever left he would make sure I never got to see my kids again so it's not worth losing my kids.
---

Thank you. I will try get a few min this week to have a chat with him. And see what he says.
I'm not used to being in a situation like this

Him saying he will stop you from seeing your kids is emotional abuse, and you don’t have to put up with that. There’s a lot of legalities and it’s not just as simple as him stopping you - you have rights. Don’t ever feel forced to stay in a situation that isn’t making you happy.
you say you’re not a looker etc but I’m sure you are - you have just been made to feel that way by someone who isn’t deserving of you. It may feel like you’ve no way out of this relationship but I promise you, there is. There’s so much help from various charities etc out there - you just have to take the first step in finding it. I really hope you’re ok x

 

[Snippysnips]

I've not wanted to involve the police because I've been worried I'm overreacting but now I'm actually scared so maybe it is time.

Definitely not over reacting, he sounds a unhinged lunatic, but as soon as someone mentions they have your address an have photos then it's definitely time for the cops, he needs some sort of restraining order

 

[Tanne1999]

Having a row with my sister at the moment about self employment and needing to declare she’s selling some MLM (that was a row in itself)

She is adamant she doesn’t need to declare it as it’s not ‘full time employment’ and it’s ’just to make money on the side’. She also claims UC so I said she needs to be careful doing stuff like this as it could affect her claim. I’ve told her she needs to sort it out and register as self employed and declare this income, she said she doesn’t and that none of her friends who do similar ‘work’ declare it.

Someone back me up here before I end up losing my shit with her

 

[sallygsoton]

Thanks, it's definitely not wearing a chef hat i think it might live under my decking. I have rabbits and think it might be after their bedding. Also next door have those bird feeder things.

Sorry to post this but when we rats in the garden and called out the "Rat Man" he said that in the trade they call decking "rat bungalows", they love living under them apparently.

The buggers were coming into our garden from next door and had tunnelled under the fence.

I ignored them for a while until one huge one started sunning itself ON the decking and looking at me through the patio doors!

The stuff of nightmares for me

 

[avabella]

Any advice for irrational anger? I can't afford therapy atm so that's not an option. I do meditate which does help. I've never had anger problems before, but I find myself so irritable/angry so easily these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not violent or aggressive. I just vent on here or to friends. But I think being stuck in the middle of a family war, plus my mum being increasingly cantankerous and demanding whilst being in hospital (for which I'm running around after her daily) is just getting to me.

Firstly I'd ask - is it irrational? Maybe you're putting extra pressure on yourself because you're classifying it as irrational, but maybe if you give yourself the permission to be angry at what you're dealing with it might realign itself in your mind.
I know you said you can't afford therapy, but I know a fab online resource that deals specifically with anger and how to manage it effectively, I'm not sure of the cost, I want to say maybe £200? It's really very good though.

Other than that, what about some L-Theanine supplementation? This can help cortisol levels reduce and just feel a bit calmer about things.

 

[me myself and karma]

I've come back this week following Xmas break. He is suspended still, I'm guessing until HR make a decision.

I've also asked to book on with occupational health to discuss the anxiety I'm feeling relating to going to work, see if they have any suggestions.

I'm so sorry this is still dragging on for you. Some "creature" where I used to work was showing inappropriate videos, in addition to many other vulgar and sexually oriented activities and conversations. He was suspended for ages while HR processed his dismissal for gross misconduct. Took ages as it needed to be water tight, he did still try to claim unfair dismissal. Took it all the way to tribunal etc, got him no where.
Occupational health should offer access to counselling xx

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Where do I go from here?

I was in this situation but my daughter is now grown up. It's really hard to know where to draw the line between being honest, as you should, and 'bitching' about them. It sounds like you're absolutely handling this the right way, the most important thing is to ensure they can feel open with you on discussing their feelings about their father, positive and negative. I realise I failed at that at times, particularly because I was so angry at his lack of care for his daughter. It is horrible to be responsible for 99% of the boring stuff and hear your child gush about a dad who is barely around and only does the fun things when he feels like it.

My daughter now has no contact with her father through her own choice (she decided when she was an adult). Kids understand a lot more than we realise sometimes. While we want to shield them from disappointment, I think you have to let him feel this one. I would tell him that he can always talk about it with you, and it's totally ok to be upset.

Perhaps think about the idea that being in a relationship with someone controlling and coercive, it sets up your mind to feel responsible for them and their behaviour. When you've been through years of tiptoeing around their bad moods and trying to keep them from acting out (and being blamed for anything going wrong with their mood!!), your brain still tries to do that even when they're gone. In a way this still might be an issue - you feel responsible for him being a good father. It feels like a personal failure that he isn't being a good dad - and it shouldn't. Try and separate that idea in your head and think about how their behaviour is strictly THEIR problem, and all you can do is just be a good mum (which you clearly are) for your son. If he is a disappointing, absent father, that is on him. He will suffer the consequences of it, because he's missing out on a relationship with your child. And while it is so, so hard to see your child upset - they'll grow up knowing who was there for them and who wasn't. It will all work out

 

[cwymmie]

Well, a rather dramatic update on this - she messaged this evening. I have heard nothing from her since mid-December and after all your lovely advice I chose to simply not proactively message either.

She is 'sad and disappointed' in my attitude - I act like she 'no longer exists' after giving me her cat 'took everything out of her emotionally'. It is 'negligent and cruel' of me. She 'expected me to keep promises'.

The actual message is about 500 words long and full of her moaning about me, her life, etc. Let me make it clear - when she gave me the cat, no strict agreement was given regarding any kind of messages, updates, etc.

I messaged back to say I'm quite shocked to hear all this, I haven't received any messages from her at all and she only need ask for updates. I'd love to tell her to fly into the sun but I'm actually in love with the cat now and have this lingering fear she'll go full psycho and try to get him back.

This is such a strange story!! She seems like a right oddball!
To make sure kitty stays with you, I’d try keep in her good books and send her the updates every now and then. If she’s elderly then you might not have to do it for very long

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

It's upsetting me how dismissive they're being tbh, they all love our dog so I don't know why they are just saying 'she'll be fine, she'll probably just sleep' When I know for a fact she will sleep for 2-3 hours but will then start pacing and getting distressed because we aren't there.
I feel guilty because they've paid for a ticket for me but I've given some money to my partner and told him to pay them when he sees them.

Nah, just don’t go. I personally would’ve pulled the pregnant card once I heard the journey is a 5hour round trip.
Don’t let them make you feel bad instead tell them that you wish they/your partner had given you the correct info about the day. But seeing as your having a difficult pregnancy and have the dog you can’t go.

 

[littlepup]

Yeah that's what I don't like as well as work places, like surely that's no one's business

And if the government needs to know where you work and what you earn, they’d ask for national insurance number. They have land registry for how much your house cost and if there’s a mortgage too. With a name and DOB they pretty much have all this info without you providing it.

 

[Lollylaylow]

I’ve not responded after telling him to leave me alone, the police have visited him, but when they came to see me there was no mention of paying for this order, my rent is over half my wage each month, then I have bills on top, it’s awful that people of domestic violence are having to pay to keep someone away from them.

Email or ring CAB and see what they advise. No one should have to pay to be safe.

 

[littlepup]

Hi again all, update here. Sorry if I forget to answer any questions

@Phil Anne Throw Pee - she's moving from non-profit into a company, so the salary increase is partly due to that and partly due to it being a promotion. In terms of the references, she had to complete quite a technical test as part of the interview process and they were pleased with it. She had been honest with HR about offering the extended notice period but that her boss might react quite negatively to her resignation, so they knew from the beginning she was leaving due to management. When she offered a reference they said they understand her current situation re: boss, so they won't ask for that and also know that you never give bad contacts for former references, so it isn't needed. They have a very firm induction plan and all seems green there I believe. Or at least I'm hoping so!

@dinosaursideways she retracted her offer to work an extended notice period after consulting her colleagues, telling them the situation, and them telling her to put herself first and tell boss to bugger off. Her new job are taking her three weeks earlier now.

Unfortunately the situation has soured in the meantime. Despite her boss still being on annual leave, he then emailed most of what he said to her over the phone - and CC'd in the entire board and all management. He has threatened to dismiss her for gross misconduct if she continues to 'complain'.

She then found out that her boss wrote an email to everyone in the organisation apart from her, saying that he's glad such a toxic person is leaving, that he knows everyone in the office hates her and feels she's a burden and if anyone feels their mental health has been ruined by her, they can come to him. Colleagues have scheduled a meeting with HR to complain about this and are devastated on her behalf, and have made it clear to her they don't feel that way at all.

She's just so young - I feel when you're old like me you know yourself and your work and can see these idiots for what they are, but this is really impacting not only her self-perception but now her anxiety levels. As a mum I just want to shield her from it.

He sounds like an absolute nut case. Hopefully he’s shot himself in the foot with it all.
I’m sorry she’s dealing with him.

How long after the use by date, is plain flour still able to be used? I have more than half an un used packet left.
I do wish retailers would stock the small packets of flour, the large bags tend no to be used.

It'll be fine as long as it doesn’t smell or have weevils. We used to buy it loose, didn’t even come with a use by date and my Nan has always decanted hers into a big jar. Never had a problem.

 

[cowtastrophe]

Fucking hell @Thank(space)you. I’ve just caught up with this and like everyone else, I’m furious on your behalf. Your company‘s behaviour is disgraceful, not having dealt with a claim like this before is no excuse to interrogate you. Absolutely un fucking believable.

I‘m going to echo what everyone else has said - please, please report this to the police. I am betting this is not this guy’s first rodeo - no one behaves like that to a colleague unless they think they can get away with it.

You poor love, no wonder you’re feeling so stressed.

 

[MillionDollarBaby]

If you take a parcel in for a neighbour whilst they are out who should the onus be on to get the parcel to the owner?
I think the recipient should come to my house to retrieve. Is this wrong?
They are never in to receive their parcels and feel they know that I WFH so will be here to take them in.
They never come to retrieve them though so then I’m continually having to knock their door when I think they might be in.
Am I being unreasonable to think this should be a them problem?