The advice thread for random problems #4

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

My issue with my partner contacting me was it get very much like a ‘I need to know if you’re coming to the party’ rather than a ‘how are you, I want to help you’.

I'm saying all this with genuine sympathy for you, but I'm going to speak honestly. I don't think you realise the impact your words and behaviour and attitude are having on him. You've mentioned going to the GP and you're hoping coming off the pill will help - while this is a step, you really need to be looking into therapy and counselling. This is not an issue that is going to go away with a small medication change, it is going to require you to find healthy coping mechanisms and anger management techniques. You've insulted and hurt your partner, to the point where he wants to end things, and you expect him to reach out with a 'I want to help you' message. You seem to feel entitled to his help with your mental state (by mentioning he didn't reach out hen you were in a dark place) and that is going to have a huge toll on him. It's a hell of a lot of pressure to be under, feeling responsible for another person's mental health. It sounds to me like he is at breaking point with it, and as you keep repeating the cycle of having a go at him, he feels like nothing is changing.

Whether you want him back or not, you need to start seeing a psychologist or therapist to find ways to cope that are healthy. I know it is incredibly hard when you're in that dark cloud but you and you alone are responsible for your recovery. You've identified the problem and it's now up to you to find experts who can help. It's clear your partner cares about you, but he can't give you the help you need - and that's totally normal. Please try and get booked in with a counsellor, or even try an online service like BetterHelp etc.

 

[Snippysnips]

A year or so ago I fell into the lumispa trap and bought one from a girl I went to school with. Ever since, she keeps WhatsApping me and messaging me via social media about upcoming “deals”. I said I had a lot on so couldn’t really afford one right now but she continues to message. I’ve just had a baby so I’m on mat leave and thought that would be the perfect excuse as income is lower. Nope, still messaged. So I said I’m saving for christmas. And now she’s messaged again saying it’s a really good deal she can even drop it off at my house for me. FFS! How do I say no?! I even thought about just buying one but honestly I don’t want to, it would just be to shut her up but that’s so wrong! What is wrong with these people.

I'd just block her, or if you don't want then like others have said just leave it on read an stop responding, it seems like she's never going take no for a answer so not responding should hopefully give her the hint, an if it doesn't then you are really best to block

 

[becca7721]

Not really sure what to do with my depression any more. I've been working on myself in therapy for literally 20 years (been going since I was 14), I'm on antidepressants, I got a dog, I have enough money to be comfortable but I'm just so tired of living. Today was again one of those mornings where I just didn't see the point in living any more. I'm tired of it, of the struggle, of the random few days where I feel better and I get hopeful again only to fall back into the hole time and time again, of which I have to drag myself out of painfully, slowly, exhaustingly. But there's really only either continuing to suffer like this, dragging myself out of the hole, or simply offing myself to finally be done with it all. If it wasn't for my dog I don't think I'd have survived the last years of crushing despair tbh. How am I supposed to be doing this for the next 30 odd years? I don't think I can. Nothing ever changes, I'm still as lonely as I was when I was 14, I'm still as unhappy, even though therapy worked really well for me and I'm an entirely different person. I have friends and acquaintances, I have a distant but ok relationship with my parents (they were emotionally abusive), and a great relationship with my siblings, but I'm still so incredibly lonely it's literally making me sick in the head.

For me I just take each day. I’ve done that for years now. Sometimes it’s hour sometimes it’s a minute and by no means is it 100% successful I’m going through stuff now and even thinking as far as my next meds is too overwhelming.

I hope that’s not dismissive I don’t mean it to be. I can’t have meds due to my neurological and genetic conditions, but I've found some therapies helpful the key thing there for me was something my neurological specialist told me - nothing works 100% for everyone. So if you find something that helps stick with it; even if its only one part of a treatment programme, do look at different techniques - we are, all of us, different so don’t be afraid to look at other possibilities - I was told mindfulness would 100% cure me; it was the worst thing I’ve ever done *for me* yet I found Christian prayer really helpful.

 

[Elle Woods]

The landlord (who owns agency) won’t do anything. They didn’t after the last tenant ended up in hospital just said she must have been drying clothes in there and took money from deposit to ‘fix it’

In that case I'd be looking for another property.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/h...your-tenancy/complaining-about-your-landlord/ there's info here about what they can do to complain (beyond the Landlord)
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Would you have gravy with a chicken and leek pie?

I'd have ketchup

*patiently awaits a sick reaction

 

[Mamacita]

Does anyone know how to stop being messy?? and be more organised?

I’m embarrassed to say this but I’m a 33 year old, and my bedroom is constantly messy, like for example. I’ve got a big pile of stuff on my floor my mum is the same, like constantly tidying cause she’s messy too so I know it’s been passed on.

I do suffer from depression so now and again, I have no desire to tidy. But I do wish that I was one of those people who need to tidy even if 2 or things have been left on the floor!

Set a 5- 10 minute timer every day and see what you can tidy in that time. Don't do any more than that, you'll be surprised how much you can do in that time.

 

[cee-bee]

They told me to speak to him and try to resolve it between ourselves in first instance.

oh my god. Im lost for words.

your harasser doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t deserve an opportunity to bully or belittle you furthur.

HR are basically telling you their bullying tactics haven’t worked and you’re not backing down, so they’re passing you back to the sexual harasser to try and beat you down into dropping it. That’s basically what’s happening here.

 

[Lollylaylow]

Every year my housing sends around a contracted company to service the boiler as it's a legal requirement.

These contractors always contact me via email and snail mail, Anyway someone was supposed to come last Monday and didn't turn up and no one told me.
I emailed and they said sorry the man was off sick. I said why didn't you contact me to save me sitting waiting. She said she looked for my number but didn't see one. I replied but you have my email. She just said he will come on Tuesday afternoon. No apologies nothing. I also got a letter via post with the new appointment no mention or apologise for the missed appointment

So yesterday I sat waiting once again and again no one turned up and no one informed me they were not coming.

in the meantime, the contents of my airing cupboard are all over the place and have been since last Monday as I'm disabled and cannot keep putting things away and getting them out again.

Ive emailed this morning and copied in my housing officer and asked them to please come today to do it. but where do I stand? I need to put this stuff away as tripping up it, but they will expect me to take it all out again when they do come out.

I don't know if I need advice or to rant about the awful CS and the lady who didn't feel I deserved an apology. but meanwhile, I'm sat here surrounded by the contents of a huge cupboard and have been for over a week

 

[tomato_paste]

Annoying when they offer something casually but don’t discuss cost. My hairdresser does this for deep conditioning treatments etc they just say ‘do you want it?’ Rather than ‘this costs X are you interested’

I remember an incident when I was 13 - went to the hairdressers by myself for the first time with a fixed budget which I told them about up front. I only had the cash my parents gave me. They kept on offering me stuff and I kept on saying "If it fits within the budget", and at the end they charged me like €30 more than I had, so I had to leave my ID and go back to my dad's office. He reamed them out, thankfully, not that my insecure teenage self didn't feel horrible about it all.
So yeah, fuck hairdressers who do this.

 

[TheGlossy]

Thank you @OnlyHereForTheLolz and @Pesky Tarian. Very helpful and good to know for the future.

I changed my flights to another date but had to pay a change fee extra. However, the hotel very kindly canceled my booking free of charge.

I’ve now been stuck in my apartment with this loud motor noise taking over the entire place (I can’t even hear my TV). It’s been 15 hours of this noise - I’m about to lose it. I couldn’t even sleep last night because the utility room is right next to my bedroom. It’s like being in a loud factory or construction site. If it doesn’t get sorted today, I’m going to have to stay elsewhere because the noise is far too much.

The maintenance doesn’t seem to be in a rush to get this fixed. The landlord responded to me at 9am saying they’d send someone. No trace of anyone as of now. Really hope this gets resolved soon.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I was in this situation but my daughter is now grown up. It's really hard to know where to draw the line between being honest, as you should, and 'bitching' about them. It sounds like you're absolutely handling this the right way, the most important thing is to ensure they can feel open with you on discussing their feelings about their father, positive and negative. I realise I failed at that at times, particularly because I was so angry at his lack of care for his daughter. It is horrible to be responsible for 99% of the boring stuff and hear your child gush about a dad who is barely around and only does the fun things when he feels like it.

My daughter now has no contact with her father through her own choice (she decided when she was an adult). Kids understand a lot more than we realise sometimes. While we want to shield them from disappointment, I think you have to let him feel this one. I would tell him that he can always talk about it with you, and it's totally ok to be upset.

Perhaps think about the idea that being in a relationship with someone controlling and coercive, it sets up your mind to feel responsible for them and their behaviour. When you've been through years of tiptoeing around their bad moods and trying to keep them from acting out (and being blamed for anything going wrong with their mood!!), your brain still tries to do that even when they're gone. In a way this still might be an issue - you feel responsible for him being a good father. It feels like a personal failure that he isn't being a good dad - and it shouldn't. Try and separate that idea in your head and think about how their behaviour is strictly THEIR problem, and all you can do is just be a good mum (which you clearly are) for your son. If he is a disappointing, absent father, that is on him. He will suffer the consequences of it, because he's missing out on a relationship with your child. And while it is so, so hard to see your child upset - they'll grow up knowing who was there for them and who wasn't. It will all work out

You've explained exactly how I feel, thank you. It does feel like I'm failing in some way, particularly because I can't make it better.

There's also the realisation that he's going to keep make things difficult, in whatever way he can, for the entire time the children are under 18 so I'm not really fully 'free' of him. It's really draining and sometimes I feel very trapped.

I'm going to focus on your advice of trying to feel less responsible though, thank you.

 

[squacksquack]

Thank you @littlepup and @Popcornshovel, I've passed on the message. I think you're both 100% right. Sadly he's the CEO of a relatively small company - so HR to him is just an annoying fly to swat.

Thankfully she's off to a role on triple her current salary and she impressed them so much at interview and with the practical tests that they want her ASAP, no need for references. I'm a proud mum!!

Sounds like she’s well rid of them and onto bigger and better things!

 

[trudyjudy007]

Would you move to NI to self build if it meant leaving the house and area you love but you would be mortgage and debt free. Live in the countryside with no neighbours. Your husband could work less hours and you'll have a better quality of life?

My husband has decided that's what he wants to do, he just needs to convince me and our kids.

We'd have about 200k in the bank after selling our house.

He's a builder and thinks he could buy land and build a house for 150k

His uncle is selling 3 acres with planning permission within a 12 acre field

To add, I've never been to NI, never shown any interest in visiting. I've been with my husband 18 years and he's only been over a few times in those years for funerals.

Not particularly close to family. Take my mum shopping a couple of times a week. No proper close friends.

Would you?

Much to think about.

Sell house for 200k, land and new build for 150k seems very conservative to me. Has he looked into equipment, hired labour, weather, length of time to order materials? Where would you all live whilst building is happening, what if there are delays? 50k left over will be sucked up pretty quick if one or two things go askew.


Is husband sure he’d get a steady stream of work in new area, are there already established construction companies everyone is using? Will you have to buy new cars? Where will kids go to school? What if kids don’t settle in and you have nowhere to live/live in a half built house?

I’m not necessarily trying to put you off but seems like a fantasy of his, has he thought about the details?

 

[littlepup]

They are, they have a new female in working so basically want him out an are throwing false allegations around, he only got told today he's to go tomorrow which I thought you needed 48h notice as it's left us basically little to no time to get anything sorted



I know, my papa an great aunt had it, but the thing is, he's not aggressive in any way, he has the very very start of it which is more forgetfulness but only when you ask him something an he's not fully paying attention an he then forgets, I know myself when it comes to cooking which is his job he's still fully all there, he still can remember recipes an cook from scratch, they take the absolute piss out him because he won't say no to them

This is also the same place that harassed him constantly on the phone to cover shifts when it was his day off then when I kept putting the phone off they had random staff members show up to our private home address looking for him to go in, he barely gets a day off cause as soon as they ask he won't say anything an just goes in to cover them

I honestly don't know what the procedures are with this place, it's a care home, an this is all going to be a case of their word against his, they done this with another male at the work months back

Is it privately owned? He should ask for a written copy of their staff disciplinary procedure, dispute resolution procedure and his contract or statement of employment (Scroll here to “written statement of employment”, this is required by law https://www.charliehr.com/blog/do-all-employees-need-a-contract-of-employment/amp/)
They mightn't have these, it seems like they’ve broken GDPR rules by turning up to his private residence so not clued up on HR, but it’ll be a good indication of what you can do from your side, how sewn up they have things.
They can’t discriminate against him for anything dementia/age related, that’s against the law so if he needs someone to attend the meeting because his memory may be flawed, they have to allow it or you can be straight on them for discrimination.

If he’s genuinely done nothing wrong, the law is absolutely on his side, you have to advocate for him and make them realise he’s not going to be a push over. However, If you get the impression they really want rid of him and he’s not prepared to fight or purse a legal claim, he can ask for a payout with the agreement to leave and take it no further. They might find that preferable than the threat of legal action resulting in costs plus a payout. I believe somewhere between what he’d get as redundancy pay and 6 months wages plus unused annual leave pay is what you’d aim for.
It might not be what he wants but it’s better than being forced out by malicious claims that he can’t prove wrong and having nothing.

Call the ACAS helpline first thing if you haven’t already. They’ll give you everything you need.

 

[cee-bee]

Big hugs @Thank(space)you, please do jump on this thread if you need support.

I won’t repeat what others have said… but this sounds like an absolutely toxic workplace where losers like the guy who sent the vid are able to act with impunity while innocent women are treated with hostility and disbelief. This is a them problem, and nothing to do with you or your actions.

you’ve got lots of options available to you. They might try and make you feel like you don’t.
As it stands, this guy looks like he’s committed sexual harassment offences and you probably have good grounds for anti-stalking orders. He’s bullying you, and no amount of dates with your colleagues contravenes the fact this guy is getting a kick out of harassing you and making you feel anxious. Dating a colleague never made anyone fair game for harassment. Your HR have made several comments which you’ve relayed which also suggest you’ve been the victim of discrimination, or deeply unprofessional behaviour at best. They should be losing their jobs because at a minimum, they’ve admitted to gross incompetence and likely are culpable of gross negligence.

I’d be asking for paid time off, contacting the police and seeking legal representation as of today. And I’d seriously consider a new job: these people sound like absolute scum. Please keep us updated as we’ll be rooting for you.

 

[Meg78]

A year or so ago I fell into the lumispa trap and bought one from a girl I went to school with. Ever since, she keeps WhatsApping me and messaging me via social media about upcoming “deals”. I said I had a lot on so couldn’t really afford one right now but she continues to message. I’ve just had a baby so I’m on mat leave and thought that would be the perfect excuse as income is lower. Nope, still messaged. So I said I’m saving for christmas. And now she’s messaged again saying it’s a really good deal she can even drop it off at my house for me. FFS! How do I say no?! I even thought about just buying one but honestly I don’t want to, it would just be to shut her up but that’s so wrong! What is wrong with these people.

The likelihood is she copy and pastes the same message to loads of people, just leave it on read

 

[Moth]

Thank you, yes I bought a copy of the will which is how I know. I didn't realise they couldn't take it, you can tell my knowledge on these things are limited. Wow two years, I guess there's a lot to sort out. It's only been six months for me. My main worry is whether I need to communicate with anyone or whether I wait to be contacted .

If you were able to order a copy of the will from the Probate Registry this means that probate has been granted. This means that the executor can disperse the estate according to the will although it is recommended that they wait 10 months before doing so. If it were me, I'd try to make sure that the executor has my contact details and if possible (subtly) let them know that you know that you are a beneficiary.

 

[Allmyownopinion]

Any thoughts on what I could/should do in this situation? So the last couple of years I worked with this monstrous person, nasty, lazy, sexist, intimidating bully etc etc. Many people complained but it was never formally addressed. Then a rather serious incident occurred and fact finding took place where I was asked to give statements. I asked to remain anonymous as I didn’t want to be the scapegoat for them finally taking action against this person (my complaint was as a witness) I was assured that with so many incidents and so much evidence against this person, no witness could be identified! Basically assured with “I promise it’s finally being dealt with we have lots of evidence” so insinuating they’d be dismissed. All went quiet for a couple of months, then an all staff email is sent, saying how the person has left to join another department where they’d always wanted to work, their hard work rewarded etc, they were sure we’d all be congratulating them on their success in their new role! Honestly I feel utterly sick about it. So being a sexist, bullying pig has resulted in them being moved to a great new team with a prestigious new role! No mention of the disciplinary investigation! So how do I handle this; accept they’ve done it to move this pig on so they’re someone else’s problem and forget about it? Or challenge the director, ask why the bully has been rewarded with a new role and why we’re being gaslit with that horrible email like we’re all idiots who haven’t been subjected to hell by this person, like none of it ever happened! I just feel like because I was one of very few who actually spoke out & gave evidence, if I pursue this with management it’ll look like a vendetta against the bully! But it’s all so wrong & unjust.

 

[stargirl23]

Slightly random one, but does anyone know if there’s a setting in the Apple mail app to stop calendar invites automatically going into my calendar?

The reason is that I keep getting spam calendar invites which go to my junk folder (which is fine), but if I open the junk folder at all, it syncs with my calendar and I get a spam appointment appear. I then can’t delete it or decline it and it annoys me seeing it there.

I’ve been through the settings menus for email and calendar but can’t see anything that might do it.

Settings - calendar - accounts then select the account sending you invites and turn off the calendar section

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I wasn’t sure where to put this so here seems like a good place!

Basically, I have been toying with starting my own business for a couple of years and have been putting things in place for a while.
I also attend a dance class which gained some new members when the school moved to new premises about 18 months ago. One of the new members is a former dance teacher. Last year she mentioned in the WhatsApp group that she wouldn’t be able to attend for a while because she was doing a course at night college. She wants to set up the same business as I do. Well, she now has set up that business.
She is a very confident person and loves being the centre of attention. She’s not even slightly humble and I have never warmed to her.
Nobody knows that I want to also set up the same business and I feel awkward whenever it is mentioned. It can also be quite cliquey and it gives me the ick to see the owner of the school blowing smoke up the arse of certain people. We are all your customers and we should all be valued!
Anyway, I feel awkward whenever this business is mentioned and they are telling her how great she is. I feel like I am keeping a dirty secret even though I’m not. I don’t feel threatened by her. There’s room for all of us, but I’m not sure that she would see it that way. I also don’t want it to look like I am doing it just because she has. I also don’t want to put the rest of them in an awkward position even though I don’t expect them to be my customers either - unlike her!
This has made it difficult for me to go to my classes. Although I think this is partly because of the favoritism. I shouldn’t have to feel like this and after all of the work that I have done personally, it feels unfair that I have to face this rather than go ahead and concentrate on hopefully changing my life. My friend said to just let it go over my head, but I just can’t. So far I am choosing avoidance. I do know a few business coaches, but it’s not really a business problem!

I feel stupid but what are you asking advice about? I;m not sure?

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

You’ll probably receive a cheque on the post but take into account any debts, claims against the estate, costs if she was in a nursing home etc. It’s up to you if you want to involve yourself, you could find out who the executor is so that you can keep abreast of it all.
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You can’t give a bad reference anymore so I don’t think people take them as seriously do they?

That's a myth. You CAN give a bad reference as long as you can substantiate it with evidence, i.e. verifying sick days, any disciplinary issues that might have been going on etc. You can't simply say someone is a waste of space, you have to back it up. References are crucially important in any recruitment process.