The advice thread for random problems #4

[Moth]

Any legal eagles or people in the know with employment based issues?

I have been working in a GP surgery since May 22
In September 2023 I accepted a place on a foundation degree course run by the local uni and college as an apprentice, my employer also signed and agreed too. They are a non levy paying employer so the course is funded by the government and I am registered as an apprentice with the government.

I have so far been on the course 7 months and coming in to the final few months of the first year ( its a 2 year course)
This week my line manager ( very poor management skills and stepping down as manager in April) approached me (chucked it at me) with a form titled " training agreement" and told me I had to sign it. I asked what it was, she told me if i leave the company within 2 years of completing my course (2027) I will need to pay them back the course fees.

I said, it isn't reasonable to expect me to sign this in retrospect as its now 7 months into the cource and had I been made aware of this 7 months ago I could have made an informed decision on weather I wanted to proceed on the cource under those terms and conditions.
She was very rude to me, as was her replacement - " so your using us to pay for your course and planning to leave", and " if you dobt sign they'll remove you from the course"

As mentioned this is a government funded apprenticeship course.

The form does not specify an actual sum, it just says xourse fees (£amount), then gives a sliding scale of
Leave with 6 months pay back 100%.
Leave 6-12 months pay back 75%
12-18 pay back 50%
18-24 pay back 25%

So they're expecting me to sign this 7 months after commencing the course. And without any indication of the sum of money I would be paying back in the event of me leaving the company.

I told her that I would need to seek the advise of my union representative (RCN) and potentially legal advise on the matter, and that id at least need more information on a figure and a breakdown of that figure.

I have checked my contract of employment, which makes no mention or clauses to training or training costs.

I have contacted my union and I have a phone meeting with the local rep to go over this, they told me it is my legal right to seek advise and representation of my union.

Ive since found on google so not confident it is correct but it says its actually illegal for company's to try to reclaim cource fees from a government funded apprentice.

Any advise greatly appreciated, as im worrying myself over this now.
I dont particularly want to stay with this company for two whole years after I complete my course as they are not particularly nice. I can with a fair amount of certainty say that once I finish my course they wont have any positions for the role I'll be just qualified in, and so ill have to continue working for them in the role I am in now with a foundation degree for minimum wage, or leave and potentially owe them an undisclosed sum of money.

Seeking advice from the union is the right thing but what puzzles me is that if it's a government funded apprenticeship what fees is your employer paying that they would want to recover?

In any case according to ACAS, "Employers might be able to deduct money from final pay for training courses. This can only happen if the deduction was agreed in the contract or in writing beforehand".

Deductions for training courses - Final pay when someone leaves a job - Acas

Employers can deduct money from pay for training courses if it was agreed in the contract or in writing beforehand.

www.acas.org.uk

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[Popcornshovel]

Help please! Could really do with some relationship advice, hate to ask but just can’t work it out in my head. Sorry to post a serious one!

My partner (well, ex partner as of Saturday) and I had been together nearly 2 years. We live separately but most of our time is spent at his and that’s where I was planning on moving to. Over the past few years I have been suffering from some kind of weird mental health concern / lack of confidence / feeling like a black cloud is over my head and when at my partners it has made me run back home. I’m still to work this all out, I have thought maybe PMDD / perimenopause but am not diagnosed. Anyway on Sunday I felt it again and told my partner I wanted to come home, he was angry as we have this week off work. I left his, went to get some fresh air and before I got home I got a text from my mum saying he had been round, was in tears and had dropped off all of my belongings. My mum said he was in a bad way and she could tell he was heartbroken. I know he loves me and I love him but this black cloud thing I cannot seem to control. So he was effectively saying he can take no more, although it breaks his heart to do that. We haven’t been in contact much since, I did text him and try to call him to say sorry but the problem is he’s heard it all before. I just don’t know what to do now going forward. His last messages were along the lines of that I need to take some responsibility for my actions, I said I agreed and he has now messaged me randomly today just saying ‘So?’ like he’s waiting for an update. But I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him forever but I’m also conscious of the fact that only days ago he made it quite final by taking all of my belongings to my parents. And if I say I want to change / get better he has heard all this before. Can anyone offer any wise words on what to do please? Should I be chasing him as maybe that’s what he wants? But then I think if I had taken my partners belongings to his parents it would mean it was fully over and I would want him to respect that. Help!

Ah this sounds very stressful! Some things to consider:

Are you in the right place for a relationship at the moment? If health is causing this issues, would focusing on that for a bit while single be a good idea?

I'm not sure he's the right person to support you on your journey to getting better. It can be really tough being in a relationship with someone with mental health issues. I think you need some with empathy, understanding and patience to give you the support you need.

From the messages you mention it sounds like he wants some grand gesture from you to kinda win him back. The way he said 'so...?' like he's inviting you to promise to be completely different. But are you in the head space to be able to give this? Would that be a healthy relationship? And what then...will he call it quits the next time things get tough?

You mentioned he was angry at you for saying what you needed when you didn't feel great. That doesn't sound very loving to be honest. Sounds like he was annoyed that your health needs caused him an inconvenience.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Not advice but can you all please send me positive thoughts for tomorrow morning. I had an audit at work a few weeks ago & now they want a follow up meeting and I am panicking my first audit so I'm terrified

 

[cee-bee]

Thanks for the suggestions guys!
I’ve ordered a few different things, based on your advice;

For babies, I’ve gotten baby accessories (hats, vests etc) and for when they are older too! Blankets seem to be a useful/popular choice so gone for those as well!

I’ve gotten some stuff for the mums too, stuff like luxury bubble bath/shower gel, luxury teas and some chocolate treats.

ive also ordered the “this works” sleep spray for mum and baby, which has rave reviews - has anyone used this? I figured it was something that was nice for mum and (hopefully?) baby too.

 

[Lizziebox]

More curious to know if this is allowed

The doctors I go too, if you phone for a appointment the receptionist wants to know what you are going in for an if you don't tell them then they will deny a face appointment an only allow for a phone appointment, does this happen to anyone else? Honestly getting tired of it because sometimes the receptionist is male an quite honestly am not comfortable telling anyone especially a male what I want to see my doctor for, the doctors aren't allowed to disclose what patients are in for so why all of a sudden is it fine for receptionists to be asking

When I suffered with frequent UTI’s I always found it helpful telling reception because I would get seen sooner with a nurse rather than a GP or just get antibiotics over the phone. So I think they ask to see if you need to see a DR, over the phone or a nurse. I’ve never had to speak to a male though, although it’s embarrassing they’ve probably heard all sorts and don’t get phased by anything anymore

 

[Meg78]

How do you make friends with nice people in your 30’s? Everyone already seems to have set friendship groups and I live in an area where they don’t have meet-ups for hobbies

 

[littlepup]

Thank you so much for responding. Your comments all make perfect sense. I agree he is not in the right place to support me - when talking about hormones once he commented that men wouldn’t get away with being a certain way to women each month. He isn’t generally the most empathetic person.

And this is the thing - I have actually had the same conversations with him over and over, ie the same cycle happens, I promise to work on things but perhaps I just don’t get the time / space to work on them? Not to make excuses but it’s so hard to pin it down!

Now I’ll be honest here and say I can be quite nasty when I have these episodes (this one was the very day before my period). We had been at his parents and had a lovely night but then something set me off and on the way home I started telling him how I feel I have nothing to look forward to and I called him boring! I also said I used to do more things like say trips with exes. He asked why I’m not still with them and I said a maybe I should be!! So I am not innocent in this! Those are horrible things to say and all I can say is I don’t feel myself when I’m saying them. So I understand it’s hard for him to offer support when I’m like that. One of my bugbears is our lack of quality time together and the night at his parents brought that up!

I think you’re right though, perhaps i need to just take some time to work on things. I have a feeling him going to my parents was his way of trying to make it look final when in reality head now asking me for an update so I’m just all over the place!

This may be harsh but it’s what I am reading from this…..
It sounds to me like he’s trying to make you actually take it seriously, push you to action.
It’s all well and good saying you want to change but what have you actually done to do so? Have you had your hormone levels tested, spoken to a doctor? These are not difficult things to do. You have a week off, you could have gone this week with some pre planning.
It is very difficult to be with someone who lacks empathy or understanding of mental health issues but it’s also very hard to be with someone who does nothing to help themselves and expects a free pass on their behaviour because of some undetermined maybe medical issue they don’t address.
You’ve only suggested you’ve promised to work on things but you don’t seem to have made any moves to, not having time isn’t an excuse if it’s affecting your life and future so drastically. I could see why he might feel he isn’t a priority here, isn’t important enough for you to want to get help.
You need to sort this out for your own sake, relationship or not. Speak to a doctor asap, it could be as simple as some antidepressants or HRT.
If you turned this around, say he had a drinking problem, was a horrible drunk, promised time after time to change but kept alcohol in the house, went to the pub, didn’t join a group/see a doctor, how many chances would you give him?

ETA: I’ve been the one with poor mental heath and an unsupportive partner. But, you have to take accountability too so you can know for sure you’ve done what you can and aren’t being clouded by darkness in your head.

 

[Kim Mild]

I feel like an ass but I don't know what to do? I've shortened this as it was quite long.

My partner's family have an event planned for tomorrow which has been booked since July. It's a Christmas event, most of partner's family are going. I was initially told it's an hour drive away, so agreed to go.

Got a message through yesterday in Whatsapp group to say it's a 2.5 hr drive each way, we are picking up some other family members on the way, stopping off for food, etc and then allowing plenty of time to get there. So we're setting off extra early
This has completely thrown me because I wasn't expecting to be in a car for 5 hrs and that's excluding the actual event.

For context, I really struggle with long car rides anyway as I have joint issues. I'm also currently pregnant, sickness has been horrendous, I've actually been off sick a couple of days from work this week as I've also caught a bad cold/fever in addition to all the fatigue etc that comes with pregnancy.) Despite this I was still willing to go as I'm over the cold.

But now, my main worry is actually our dog, who will be left for at least 9 hrs. The most she has been left before is 5 hrs. When we go out we set her up in a room with a camera so we can watch her remotely on our phones. But when we left her for that time, 5 hrs she was howling and became really distressed. 9 hours is just far too long for her to be left. She will be without water and food for that time as we don't have any automatic feeders or anything. I think it's cruel. She's trained to go to the toilet outside as well so she won't use puppy pads indoors.

None of my family live local (they're all at least 1.5 hrs drive away) but I've asked them if they can help, unfortunately none of them can dog sit as it's too short notice.
I've let the family know that I can't go but tbh I feel like an ass, they said they assumed we'd get a dog sitter. I feel really guilty, but they're being really dismissive, because they said she'd be fine on her own, and it's the only time they're meeting up for Christmas so I should go.
I feel really frustrated with my partner, bc when my family do events I always sort the logistics, so when his family has events he should really sort it out? We've always done it this way so I'm not sure why it's been left until now, unless he didn't realise how far away it was either.

To top it off our dog is reactive, wary of strangers. My partner suggested we get a dog sitter where she goes to their house but tbh I think this will be a disaster as it will be a strange house with strange people (strange as in she doesn't know them) and hasn't had time to introduce herself properly to them! We have considered having them over to us, but we've done this before and she withdraws/cries/doesn't eat until we get back.
What would you do? I am in such a huge mess.

I'd probably just pretend I was unwell and couldn't go . Let everyone else go .

 

[tomato_paste]

I was always told never to use bleach on mould as it can contribute to further mould growth.

I use the HG spray and it's brilliant, the Astonish one is good too but HG is the best.

Yeah bleach doesn't kill mould - it simply... bleaches it so you don't see it any more.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Posting here so I have to follow through with it...

I have been provisionally discussing a holiday with a friend in the new year. The trouble is, where they want to go and where I can afford to go right now are very different and I feel like I'm pressuring myself into booking something I can't really afford (they've suggested I just stick it on my credit card which I really don't want to do).

I've been dragging my feet a little and I think I need to just bite the bullet and say it was working out a lot more expensive than I initially thought and that I don't want to limit them. I have suggested a city break to somewhere in Europe but they only want hot sun somewhere far flung and I just can't afford that at such short notice, particularly with Christmas so close.

I've been in knots about it all week and was awake in the night thinking about it. It sounds silly, but I hate having to prick the balloon of someone else's enthusiasm.

I honestly think if it's a good friend they'd be upset to know what anxiety this has caused you. Just be honest and say with Christmas you can't afford a big holiday at the moment. Tell her your budget and then if you do fancy a more expensive holiday just say you could probably do one June/Sept/insert whatever works.

I'd hate it if a friend of mine felt they couldn't tell me something like this. I would never want to cause them anxiety over a holiday

 

[Dogtanian]

What would you do with old broken computers that still have your data on them? I want to recycle them but won't the company access my data while they're destroying it from the hard drive?

I’d be removing the hard drive and smacking it with a sledgehammer. Recycle the remainder.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I’m hoping I can just get out of this one indefinitely honestly if it was any other kid I’d be up for it but my daughter and him are just bad for each other and he’s unfortunately (probably through no fault of his own) a badly behaved child.

Ah that's tricky if the mum's pushy. Maybe say something vague like 'I have so many weekend commitments it's just not a possibility right now'.

I've been there with one child's friend who would purposely mess up the bedroom/be openly rude to me. What I would do if my child really wanted a play date is collect them from school, hour at the park, whiz them through the drive through and drop him home. I struggled with the people pleasing too but honestly it's so liberating doing things on your own terms.

 

[Meg78]

You're right. I'm just overthinking and panicking.

I'm not sure what the police will do

He might be known to them already, you might not be the first, but ultimately if no one reports anything, even though we know they won’t do anything when you do, how can the police ever start to build a case against repeat offenders?

 

[Snippysnips]

MY DAUGHTER DID IT!!! SHE QUIT!!!! (Can you tell I'm happy for her?)

At 4pm she told her boss she needs to prioritise her own health and on the advice of her GP, psychologist and union, she'll be on sick leave for the rest of her notice period. He was too flabbergasted to speak. Handed everything over to HR, said bye to her colleagues, and she's currently in the bath with a bottle of champagne. What more can I say?

So happy she done it, hope she enjoys her bottle of champagne, she deserves it

 

[tomato_paste]

That's the dream. Pigs & chickens, Growing as much as our own food as possible. My head says yes but its the thought of leaving everything I've ever known. We're going during Easter Holidays to visit

That would be my personal dream life but you have to be aware that the whole (partial) self sufficiency thing is work all year round, all the time. If you ever want to go away on a holiday you'll need someone watching your animals and plants (at least in the growing season). I'd recommend John Seymour's "The complete Book of Self Sufficiency" for a lot of insight into what's expected. That link for archive.org has the really old edition, there's a newer one you can buy, but the contents are the same. He had his Farm in NI as well so a lot of stuff will work 1:1 for you.

Leaving everything you've ever know is sure to be hard as well, but I'd drill into it. What exactly are you going to miss? Is it friends? Them popping 'round for a cuppa with ease? Is it having an afternoon in town? Is it being able to pop into Tescos for bits any time? Is it your family? When you know what exactly you're going to miss, you can find strategies to compensate for it - or find that that's impossible. What about the kids needs? Are they going to be harder to take care of, or will it be easier? Will the kids have an ok time getting around to their hobbies / friends? Get to school? Etc.

Also don't forget the benefits - your relationship with your husband will surely benefit, as will those with your children if you both have more time at hand. You also might find a different kind of community, especially if there's some sufficiency farmers around that you could get in touch with. I have an acquaintance who's a self sufficient farmer with her partner - she used to be in Media, a literal corporate stereotype, but met him and moved to the countryside. Her life is completely changed for the better, and their farming community has brought her some amazing friendships.

 

[Thank(space)you]

My GP has rang back, the hosp haven’t said I’ve got gallstones but just asked for an ultrasound scan, so basically given half a story to my GP, I’ve been prescribed naproxen & something to help settle my stomach so I’m hoping that will ease the pain, I don’t have a temperature & going to the toilet ok, so that makes me feel I’m wasting people’s time it’s just this pain that’s driving me mad, bloods came back fine too. Thank you for the replies x

Definitely not a waste of anyone's time!

 

[Popcornshovel]

Thank you so much for responding. Your comments all make perfect sense. I agree he is not in the right place to support me - when talking about hormones once he commented that men wouldn’t get away with being a certain way to women each month. He isn’t generally the most empathetic person.

And this is the thing - I have actually had the same conversations with him over and over, ie the same cycle happens, I promise to work on things but perhaps I just don’t get the time / space to work on them? Not to make excuses but it’s so hard to pin it down!

Now I’ll be honest here and say I can be quite nasty when I have these episodes (this one was the very day before my period). We had been at his parents and had a lovely night but then something set me off and on the way home I started telling him how I feel I have nothing to look forward to and I called him boring! I also said I used to do more things like say trips with exes. He asked why I’m not still with them and I said a maybe I should be!! So I am not innocent in this! Those are horrible things to say and all I can say is I don’t feel myself when I’m saying them. So I understand it’s hard for him to offer support when I’m like that. One of my bugbears is our lack of quality time together and the night at his parents brought that up!

I think you’re right though, perhaps i need to just take some time to work on things. I have a feeling him going to my parents was his way of trying to make it look final when in reality head now asking me for an update so I’m just all over the place!

That's great that you've got self awareness of times when you've said stuff out of line and that you want to work on that. No one is perfect and partners should be able to forgive when someone is having a bad day.

Definitely have a good think about whether he's right for you. Things like whether someone is empathetic or not are personality traits which won't change with time.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

Be honest. Say that you're sorry that his Dad lets him down and you wish it was different. My Dad disappeared off the radar for several years when I was a teenager and he'd left Mum - his new girlfriend didn't want us around. That was on Dad, but hearing Mum bitch about it really didn't help. I knew myself how bad it was.

Don't cover for him - his behaviour is for him to justify, never you

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

So long as the text messages are extremely clear that she has agreed to hand the cat over then I'd say that it's probably equivalent to a signed agreement so I'd make sure to keep those an that way should she backtrack an try an take the cat back then you have the texts stating she was in agreement for you to keep the cat, usually it's always better to get something in writing that's been signed but a text message may be passable

But I do agree that turning up at someone's house especially if they are not family is just rude, a quick text to ask if it's ok should have been sent, I can't even stand family showing up unannounced as am not always in the best of moods or I dont have the time to entertain them, she does sound insane an it sounds like she wants this control over you that you need to be at the ready for whenever she wants you to be, I'd be ignoring the texts an if you have her on FB I'd put the setting on that she can't see any of your future posts either an also turn off her being able to tag you without you accepting the tag, it's best to nip it in the bud an start limiting what she can do

Thank you! I've added her to my 'restricted' list on Facebook, so she can see nothing (not that I post anyway) but it still says we are 'friends'. I think you are totally right. I'm usually in my bloody pyjamas for a start, which is why I don't do impromptu visits. No bras are worn inside this house...

This was part of the recent text, the cat's name blurred not for his own anonymity but because it's so unusual people would know me on here (if they knew me). I'll send her a picture every few weeks to keep her docile and keep conversation to a minimum, I think.

 

[boomska]

Does anyone know how to stop being messy?? and be more organised?

I’m embarrassed to say this but I’m a 33 year old, and my bedroom is constantly messy, like for example. I’ve got a big pile of stuff on my floor my mum is the same, like constantly tidying cause she’s messy too so I know it’s been passed on.

I do suffer from depression so now and again, I have no desire to tidy. But I do wish that I was one of those people who need to tidy even if 2 or things have been left on the floor!