The advice thread for random problems #4

[nataliaaaaa]

Thank you so much for responding. Your comments all make perfect sense. I agree he is not in the right place to support me - when talking about hormones once he commented that men wouldn’t get away with being a certain way to women each month. He isn’t generally the most empathetic person.

And this is the thing - I have actually had the same conversations with him over and over, ie the same cycle happens, I promise to work on things but perhaps I just don’t get the time / space to work on them? Not to make excuses but it’s so hard to pin it down!

Now I’ll be honest here and say I can be quite nasty when I have these episodes (this one was the very day before my period). We had been at his parents and had a lovely night but then something set me off and on the way home I started telling him how I feel I have nothing to look forward to and I called him boring! I also said I used to do more things like say trips with exes. He asked why I’m not still with them and I said a maybe I should be!! So I am not innocent in this! Those are horrible things to say and all I can say is I don’t feel myself when I’m saying them. So I understand it’s hard for him to offer support when I’m like that. One of my bugbears is our lack of quality time together and the night at his parents brought that up!

I think you’re right though, perhaps i need to just take some time to work on things. I have a feeling him going to my parents was his way of trying to make it look final when in reality head now asking me for an update so I’m just all over the place!

 

[Popcornshovel]

Thank you so much for responding. Your comments all make perfect sense. I agree he is not in the right place to support me - when talking about hormones once he commented that men wouldn’t get away with being a certain way to women each month. He isn’t generally the most empathetic person.

And this is the thing - I have actually had the same conversations with him over and over, ie the same cycle happens, I promise to work on things but perhaps I just don’t get the time / space to work on them? Not to make excuses but it’s so hard to pin it down!

Now I’ll be honest here and say I can be quite nasty when I have these episodes (this one was the very day before my period). We had been at his parents and had a lovely night but then something set me off and on the way home I started telling him how I feel I have nothing to look forward to and I called him boring! I also said I used to do more things like say trips with exes. He asked why I’m not still with them and I said a maybe I should be!! So I am not innocent in this! Those are horrible things to say and all I can say is I don’t feel myself when I’m saying them. So I understand it’s hard for him to offer support when I’m like that. One of my bugbears is our lack of quality time together and the night at his parents brought that up!

I think you’re right though, perhaps i need to just take some time to work on things. I have a feeling him going to my parents was his way of trying to make it look final when in reality head now asking me for an update so I’m just all over the place!

That's great that you've got self awareness of times when you've said stuff out of line and that you want to work on that. No one is perfect and partners should be able to forgive when someone is having a bad day.

Definitely have a good think about whether he's right for you. Things like whether someone is empathetic or not are personality traits which won't change with time.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you so much for responding. Your comments all make perfect sense. I agree he is not in the right place to support me - when talking about hormones once he commented that men wouldn’t get away with being a certain way to women each month. He isn’t generally the most empathetic person.

And this is the thing - I have actually had the same conversations with him over and over, ie the same cycle happens, I promise to work on things but perhaps I just don’t get the time / space to work on them? Not to make excuses but it’s so hard to pin it down!

Now I’ll be honest here and say I can be quite nasty when I have these episodes (this one was the very day before my period). We had been at his parents and had a lovely night but then something set me off and on the way home I started telling him how I feel I have nothing to look forward to and I called him boring! I also said I used to do more things like say trips with exes. He asked why I’m not still with them and I said a maybe I should be!! So I am not innocent in this! Those are horrible things to say and all I can say is I don’t feel myself when I’m saying them. So I understand it’s hard for him to offer support when I’m like that. One of my bugbears is our lack of quality time together and the night at his parents brought that up!

I think you’re right though, perhaps i need to just take some time to work on things. I have a feeling him going to my parents was his way of trying to make it look final when in reality head now asking me for an update so I’m just all over the place!

This may be harsh but it’s what I am reading from this…..
It sounds to me like he’s trying to make you actually take it seriously, push you to action.
It’s all well and good saying you want to change but what have you actually done to do so? Have you had your hormone levels tested, spoken to a doctor? These are not difficult things to do. You have a week off, you could have gone this week with some pre planning.
It is very difficult to be with someone who lacks empathy or understanding of mental health issues but it’s also very hard to be with someone who does nothing to help themselves and expects a free pass on their behaviour because of some undetermined maybe medical issue they don’t address.
You’ve only suggested you’ve promised to work on things but you don’t seem to have made any moves to, not having time isn’t an excuse if it’s affecting your life and future so drastically. I could see why he might feel he isn’t a priority here, isn’t important enough for you to want to get help.
You need to sort this out for your own sake, relationship or not. Speak to a doctor asap, it could be as simple as some antidepressants or HRT.
If you turned this around, say he had a drinking problem, was a horrible drunk, promised time after time to change but kept alcohol in the house, went to the pub, didn’t join a group/see a doctor, how many chances would you give him?

ETA: I’ve been the one with poor mental heath and an unsupportive partner. But, you have to take accountability too so you can know for sure you’ve done what you can and aren’t being clouded by darkness in your head.

 

[nataliaaaaa]

Thank you for responding - totally agree I need to take responsibility. Sorry I should have said (I didn’t write every detail down due to taking up too much space) - I did speak to a doctor a few months ago, had blood tests done a couple of times throughout the year as well. First one - my ferritin was low but I took meds and brought the levels up. I did ask for a further appt to see if I needed to stop taking the meds but had a hard time getting through the receptionist as all she kept saying was my levels were normal so why did I need an appointment! Another doctor I saw (a private one) said the most likely thing causing it would be my contraceptive pill (cerazette) and I spoke to my partner. He had previously been reluctant for me to come off it but was more persuaded when I told him the doctor had said it. I have done lots of my own research on it too and have read quite a few women have issues with Cerazette. I think some of it is circumstance as well, I get a bit funny if my partner and I are in the house all day every day ie working from home so I told him I’d like to go into my office more just to break things up. He isn’t anti that, just needs a bit of persuading so I need to get better at expressing my needs as well.
---
He has text me again this morning saying ‘what are we going to do?’. I can’t help but feel he now wants to sort things in time for his family Christmas party on Saturday.

 

[Squittel]

Looking for advice on something that happened at my work Christmas party.

I was drunk, but I don’t think much drunker than anyone else there.

I started a conversation with a colleague who has recently (in the last year) lost a close relative to suicide. I too have been through this and I brought it up. The conversation was fine, in that she engaged with it and we chatted about it and I basically said “It’s such a difficult topic and you can feel very alone, as not many people know how it feels. If you ever need to reach out to someone who has been through it too, please do.”

I just feel now it was very tactless of me to bring that up at a Christmas party. I should have kept my mouth shut and I hope I didn’t upset her at all, or catch her off guard. I had the best intentions, honestly.

Do you think I should apologise for bringing it up or move on? As I said, she was receptive to the conversation and didn’t come across as uncomfortable so maybe I’m overthinking it. What would you do? I was thinking I could just send her a quick message apologising for bringing it up but making sure she knows I do stand by what I said about reaching out.

 

[mochibean]

Looking for advice on something that happened at my work Christmas party.

I was drunk, but I don’t think much drunker than anyone else there.

I started a conversation with a colleague who has recently (in the last year) lost a close relative to suicide. I too have been through this and I brought it up. The conversation was fine, in that she engaged with it and we chatted about it and I basically said “It’s such a difficult topic and you can feel very alone, as not many people know how it feels. If you ever need to reach out to someone who has been through it too, please do.”

I just feel now it was very tactless of me to bring that up at a Christmas party. I should have kept my mouth shut and I hope I didn’t upset her at all, or catch her off guard. I had the best intentions, honestly.

Do you think I should apologise for bringing it up or move on? As I said, she was receptive to the conversation and didn’t come across as uncomfortable so maybe I’m overthinking it. What would you do? I was thinking I could just send her a quick message apologising for bringing it up but making sure she knows I do stand by what I said about reaching out.

You're probably overthinking it I'd just not mention it again unless she brings it up. Sounds like it wasn't taken badly at all and yeah maybe a work party isn't the time or place but she was drinking too I'm sure you'll be all good.

Also Christmas party related but I got arrested at my work xmas party and thankfully I still have a job but I'm terrified to go back to work. I know I made the biggest idiot of myself and I am in court in January and I'm mortified. How do I go about going back to work?

I basically told them what I think of them I was very upset/distressed at the time my mental health had been spiralling before this and I'd been very open about the fact I hadn't been okay. They've been supportive and I've had colleagues reach out to me make sure I'm okay but I can't face everyone. I'm looking for a new one bc the anxiety is too much.

 

[stargirl23]

Thank you for responding - totally agree I need to take responsibility. Sorry I should have said (I didn’t write every detail down due to taking up too much space) - I did speak to a doctor a few months ago, had blood tests done a couple of times throughout the year as well. First one - my ferritin was low but I took meds and brought the levels up. I did ask for a further appt to see if I needed to stop taking the meds but had a hard time getting through the receptionist as all she kept saying was my levels were normal so why did I need an appointment! Another doctor I saw (a private one) said the most likely thing causing it would be my contraceptive pill (cerazette) and I spoke to my partner. He had previously been reluctant for me to come off it but was more persuaded when I told him the doctor had said it. I have done lots of my own research on it too and have read quite a few women have issues with Cerazette. I think some of it is circumstance as well, I get a bit funny if my partner and I are in the house all day every day ie working from home so I told him I’d like to go into my office more just to break things up. He isn’t anti that, just needs a bit of persuading so I need to get better at expressing my needs as well.
---
He has text me again this morning saying ‘what are we going to do?’. I can’t help but feel he now wants to sort things in time for his family Christmas party on Saturday.

Cerazette is awful! Wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I know everyone’s different but it really f’ed me up mentally. Now off it I feel amazing. I switched to rigevidon no issues or side effects
---

Looking for advice on something that happened at my work Christmas party.

I was drunk, but I don’t think much drunker than anyone else there.

I started a conversation with a colleague who has recently (in the last year) lost a close relative to suicide. I too have been through this and I brought it up. The conversation was fine, in that she engaged with it and we chatted about it and I basically said “It’s such a difficult topic and you can feel very alone, as not many people know how it feels. If you ever need to reach out to someone who has been through it too, please do.”

I just feel now it was very tactless of me to bring that up at a Christmas party. I should have kept my mouth shut and I hope I didn’t upset her at all, or catch her off guard. I had the best intentions, honestly.

Do you think I should apologise for bringing it up or move on? As I said, she was receptive to the conversation and didn’t come across as uncomfortable so maybe I’m overthinking it. What would you do? I was thinking I could just send her a quick message apologising for bringing it up but making sure she knows I do stand by what I said about reaching out.

Overthinking I think. I too have been through suicide as well as attempting it myself and the amicable conversations with someone who got it meant more to me than they’d ever know. It helped me to grieve and know I wasn’t alone. I’m sure she knows you meant the best by offering to talk
---

You're probably overthinking it I'd just not mention it again unless she brings it up. Sounds like it wasn't taken badly at all and yeah maybe a work party isn't the time or place but she was drinking too I'm sure you'll be all good.

Also Christmas party related but I got arrested at my work xmas party and thankfully I still have a job but I'm terrified to go back to work. I know I made the biggest idiot of myself and I am in court in January and I'm mortified. How do I go about going back to work?

I basically told them what I think of them I was very upset/distressed at the time my mental health had been spiralling before this and I'd been very open about the fact I hadn't been okay. They've been supportive and I've had colleagues reach out to me make sure I'm okay but I can't face everyone. I'm looking for a new one bc the anxiety is too much.

I’m so sorry that happened and I hope you’re okay. It can’t be easy but the hardest thing is making that first step. Once you’re back I’m sure you’ll see it all isn’t that bad as you feel it is in your head. They won’t cause drama in the work place and shouldn’t bring up anything so you’ll be okay. I’m sure they’ll understand it was a drunk mistake that was a result of poor mental health and a workplace should be supportive of any employee suffering mentally. Hope you’re ok

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Looking for advice on something that happened at my work Christmas party.

I was drunk, but I don’t think much drunker than anyone else there.

I started a conversation with a colleague who has recently (in the last year) lost a close relative to suicide. I too have been through this and I brought it up. The conversation was fine, in that she engaged with it and we chatted about it and I basically said “It’s such a difficult topic and you can feel very alone, as not many people know how it feels. If you ever need to reach out to someone who has been through it too, please do.”

I just feel now it was very tactless of me to bring that up at a Christmas party. I should have kept my mouth shut and I hope I didn’t upset her at all, or catch her off guard. I had the best intentions, honestly.

Do you think I should apologise for bringing it up or move on? As I said, she was receptive to the conversation and didn’t come across as uncomfortable so maybe I’m overthinking it. What would you do? I was thinking I could just send her a quick message apologising for bringing it up but making sure she knows I do stand by what I said about reaching out.

I think you're over thinking. That kind of stuff doesn't disappear from memory at a party and you've been through it so were being helpful and offering support. Don't stress too much. I also think if it would make you feel better, it would be perfectly acceptable to send a check in message as you've suggetsed.

 

[Tanne1999]

Amazon left my parcel on the doorstep. Parcel has been stolen

How easy is it to be refunded? Are they gonna want me to file a police report (my old work did), or will they just refund me? I’m so annoyed. I’ve been home all day, no knock. Was only when I checked my iPad this evening I’ve seen that it was ‘delivered’.

Finally managed to get through to someone who didn’t want me to report it to police. Was told to wait 5 working days for it to arrive and to report to police in the meantime - I didn’t as I refuse to waste police time on such a stupid thing. Contacted Amazon just now and got refunded.

The person who did the refund though made no sense. Offered a gift card and then instantly said ‘nope, can’t do that’. Why offer it then

 

[ShadesMint]

I feel like an ass but I don't know what to do? I've shortened this as it was quite long.

My partner's family have an event planned for tomorrow which has been booked since July. It's a Christmas event, most of partner's family are going. I was initially told it's an hour drive away, so agreed to go.

Got a message through yesterday in Whatsapp group to say it's a 2.5 hr drive each way, we are picking up some other family members on the way, stopping off for food, etc and then allowing plenty of time to get there. So we're setting off extra early
This has completely thrown me because I wasn't expecting to be in a car for 5 hrs and that's excluding the actual event.

For context, I really struggle with long car rides anyway as I have joint issues. I'm also currently pregnant, sickness has been horrendous, I've actually been off sick a couple of days from work this week as I've also caught a bad cold/fever in addition to all the fatigue etc that comes with pregnancy.) Despite this I was still willing to go as I'm over the cold.

But now, my main worry is actually our dog, who will be left for at least 9 hrs. The most she has been left before is 5 hrs. When we go out we set her up in a room with a camera so we can watch her remotely on our phones. But when we left her for that time, 5 hrs she was howling and became really distressed. 9 hours is just far too long for her to be left. She will be without water and food for that time as we don't have any automatic feeders or anything. I think it's cruel. She's trained to go to the toilet outside as well so she won't use puppy pads indoors.

None of my family live local (they're all at least 1.5 hrs drive away) but I've asked them if they can help, unfortunately none of them can dog sit as it's too short notice.
I've let the family know that I can't go but tbh I feel like an ass, they said they assumed we'd get a dog sitter. I feel really guilty, but they're being really dismissive, because they said she'd be fine on her own, and it's the only time they're meeting up for Christmas so I should go.
I feel really frustrated with my partner, bc when my family do events I always sort the logistics, so when his family has events he should really sort it out? We've always done it this way so I'm not sure why it's been left until now, unless he didn't realise how far away it was either.

To top it off our dog is reactive, wary of strangers. My partner suggested we get a dog sitter where she goes to their house but tbh I think this will be a disaster as it will be a strange house with strange people (strange as in she doesn't know them) and hasn't had time to introduce herself properly to them! We have considered having them over to us, but we've done this before and she withdraws/cries/doesn't eat until we get back.
What would you do? I am in such a huge mess.

 

[Kim Mild]

I feel like an ass but I don't know what to do? I've shortened this as it was quite long.

My partner's family have an event planned for tomorrow which has been booked since July. It's a Christmas event, most of partner's family are going. I was initially told it's an hour drive away, so agreed to go.

Got a message through yesterday in Whatsapp group to say it's a 2.5 hr drive each way, we are picking up some other family members on the way, stopping off for food, etc and then allowing plenty of time to get there. So we're setting off extra early
This has completely thrown me because I wasn't expecting to be in a car for 5 hrs and that's excluding the actual event.

For context, I really struggle with long car rides anyway as I have joint issues. I'm also currently pregnant, sickness has been horrendous, I've actually been off sick a couple of days from work this week as I've also caught a bad cold/fever in addition to all the fatigue etc that comes with pregnancy.) Despite this I was still willing to go as I'm over the cold.

But now, my main worry is actually our dog, who will be left for at least 9 hrs. The most she has been left before is 5 hrs. When we go out we set her up in a room with a camera so we can watch her remotely on our phones. But when we left her for that time, 5 hrs she was howling and became really distressed. 9 hours is just far too long for her to be left. She will be without water and food for that time as we don't have any automatic feeders or anything. I think it's cruel. She's trained to go to the toilet outside as well so she won't use puppy pads indoors.

None of my family live local (they're all at least 1.5 hrs drive away) but I've asked them if they can help, unfortunately none of them can dog sit as it's too short notice.
I've let the family know that I can't go but tbh I feel like an ass, they said they assumed we'd get a dog sitter. I feel really guilty, but they're being really dismissive, because they said she'd be fine on her own, and it's the only time they're meeting up for Christmas so I should go.
I feel really frustrated with my partner, bc when my family do events I always sort the logistics, so when his family has events he should really sort it out? We've always done it this way so I'm not sure why it's been left until now, unless he didn't realise how far away it was either.

To top it off our dog is reactive, wary of strangers. My partner suggested we get a dog sitter where she goes to their house but tbh I think this will be a disaster as it will be a strange house with strange people (strange as in she doesn't know them) and hasn't had time to introduce herself properly to them! We have considered having them over to us, but we've done this before and she withdraws/cries/doesn't eat until we get back.
What would you do? I am in such a huge mess.

I'd probably just pretend I was unwell and couldn't go . Let everyone else go .

 

[stargirl23]

I feel like an ass but I don't know what to do? I've shortened this as it was quite long.

My partner's family have an event planned for tomorrow which has been booked since July. It's a Christmas event, most of partner's family are going. I was initially told it's an hour drive away, so agreed to go.

Got a message through yesterday in Whatsapp group to say it's a 2.5 hr drive each way, we are picking up some other family members on the way, stopping off for food, etc and then allowing plenty of time to get there. So we're setting off extra early
This has completely thrown me because I wasn't expecting to be in a car for 5 hrs and that's excluding the actual event.

For context, I really struggle with long car rides anyway as I have joint issues. I'm also currently pregnant, sickness has been horrendous, I've actually been off sick a couple of days from work this week as I've also caught a bad cold/fever in addition to all the fatigue etc that comes with pregnancy.) Despite this I was still willing to go as I'm over the cold.

But now, my main worry is actually our dog, who will be left for at least 9 hrs. The most she has been left before is 5 hrs. When we go out we set her up in a room with a camera so we can watch her remotely on our phones. But when we left her for that time, 5 hrs she was howling and became really distressed. 9 hours is just far too long for her to be left. She will be without water and food for that time as we don't have any automatic feeders or anything. I think it's cruel. She's trained to go to the toilet outside as well so she won't use puppy pads indoors.

None of my family live local (they're all at least 1.5 hrs drive away) but I've asked them if they can help, unfortunately none of them can dog sit as it's too short notice.
I've let the family know that I can't go but tbh I feel like an ass, they said they assumed we'd get a dog sitter. I feel really guilty, but they're being really dismissive, because they said she'd be fine on her own, and it's the only time they're meeting up for Christmas so I should go.
I feel really frustrated with my partner, bc when my family do events I always sort the logistics, so when his family has events he should really sort it out? We've always done it this way so I'm not sure why it's been left until now, unless he didn't realise how far away it was either.

To top it off our dog is reactive, wary of strangers. My partner suggested we get a dog sitter where she goes to their house but tbh I think this will be a disaster as it will be a strange house with strange people (strange as in she doesn't know them) and hasn't had time to introduce herself properly to them! We have considered having them over to us, but we've done this before and she withdraws/cries/doesn't eat until we get back.
What would you do? I am in such a huge mess.

I’d say it’s their fault for assuming and it’s your dog you’ll do it your way. Dogs are like humans not toys. They need looking after too. I have a dog myself and she’s never left alone for more than a couple hours as she doesn’t cope. I also wouldn’t trust a dog sitter as you just never know. My dogs my world I only allow family to have her and if they can’t then I don’t go. I think you’re being more than reasonable to cancel after not knowing how far away it is and being pregnant and I agree it’s not fair to leave your dog all day

 

[ShadesMint]

I’d say it’s their fault for assuming and it’s your dog you’ll do it your way. Dogs are like humans not toys. They need looking after too. I have a dog myself and she’s never left alone for more than a couple hours as she doesn’t cope. I also wouldn’t trust a dog sitter as you just never know. My dogs my world I only allow family to have her and if they can’t then I don’t go. I think you’re being more than reasonable to cancel after not knowing how far away it is and being pregnant and I agree it’s not fair to leave your dog all day

It's upsetting me how dismissive they're being tbh, they all love our dog so I don't know why they are just saying 'she'll be fine, she'll probably just sleep' When I know for a fact she will sleep for 2-3 hours but will then start pacing and getting distressed because we aren't there.
I feel guilty because they've paid for a ticket for me but I've given some money to my partner and told him to pay them when he sees them.

 

[stargirl23]

It's upsetting me how dismissive they're being tbh, they all love our dog so I don't know why they are just saying 'she'll be fine, she'll probably just sleep' When I know for a fact she will sleep for 2-3 hours but will then start pacing and getting distressed because we aren't there.
I feel guilty because they've paid for a ticket for me but I've given some money to my partner and told him to pay them when he sees them.

I wouldn’t feel bad, you’ve done all you can and your dog comes first. You’re being a responsible owner by staying back. Lots of people wouldn’t even offer to pay back with money for not attending so I’m sure they’d really appreciate you sending money to pay for you even though you won’t be attending

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

It's upsetting me how dismissive they're being tbh, they all love our dog so I don't know why they are just saying 'she'll be fine, she'll probably just sleep' When I know for a fact she will sleep for 2-3 hours but will then start pacing and getting distressed because we aren't there.
I feel guilty because they've paid for a ticket for me but I've given some money to my partner and told him to pay them when he sees them.

Nah, just don’t go. I personally would’ve pulled the pregnant card once I heard the journey is a 5hour round trip.
Don’t let them make you feel bad instead tell them that you wish they/your partner had given you the correct info about the day. But seeing as your having a difficult pregnancy and have the dog you can’t go.

 

[littlepup]

I feel like an ass but I don't know what to do? I've shortened this as it was quite long.

My partner's family have an event planned for tomorrow which has been booked since July. It's a Christmas event, most of partner's family are going. I was initially told it's an hour drive away, so agreed to go.

Got a message through yesterday in Whatsapp group to say it's a 2.5 hr drive each way, we are picking up some other family members on the way, stopping off for food, etc and then allowing plenty of time to get there. So we're setting off extra early
This has completely thrown me because I wasn't expecting to be in a car for 5 hrs and that's excluding the actual event.

For context, I really struggle with long car rides anyway as I have joint issues. I'm also currently pregnant, sickness has been horrendous, I've actually been off sick a couple of days from work this week as I've also caught a bad cold/fever in addition to all the fatigue etc that comes with pregnancy.) Despite this I was still willing to go as I'm over the cold.

But now, my main worry is actually our dog, who will be left for at least 9 hrs. The most she has been left before is 5 hrs. When we go out we set her up in a room with a camera so we can watch her remotely on our phones. But when we left her for that time, 5 hrs she was howling and became really distressed. 9 hours is just far too long for her to be left. She will be without water and food for that time as we don't have any automatic feeders or anything. I think it's cruel. She's trained to go to the toilet outside as well so she won't use puppy pads indoors.

None of my family live local (they're all at least 1.5 hrs drive away) but I've asked them if they can help, unfortunately none of them can dog sit as it's too short notice.
I've let the family know that I can't go but tbh I feel like an ass, they said they assumed we'd get a dog sitter. I feel really guilty, but they're being really dismissive, because they said she'd be fine on her own, and it's the only time they're meeting up for Christmas so I should go.
I feel really frustrated with my partner, bc when my family do events I always sort the logistics, so when his family has events he should really sort it out? We've always done it this way so I'm not sure why it's been left until now, unless he didn't realise how far away it was either.

To top it off our dog is reactive, wary of strangers. My partner suggested we get a dog sitter where she goes to their house but tbh I think this will be a disaster as it will be a strange house with strange people (strange as in she doesn't know them) and hasn't had time to introduce herself properly to them! We have considered having them over to us, but we've done this before and she withdraws/cries/doesn't eat until we get back.
What would you do? I am in such a huge mess.

First thing is I’d always leave a big bowl of water down, and they’d be ok with food only once a day, auto feeder or not but that aside, you’re right not to go. 9 hours alone is too long, the time for you in the car is too long
Possibly, If your dog tolerates car journeys, I’d suggest perhaps driving separately and taking them with you, take them for a big run before hand and let them sleep in the car while you don’t stay long or get a dog friendly hotel nearby if funds allow. But I still think it’s too long to expect a pregnant person to sit in a car, dog or not so they’re being unfair.

It might be worth think about some extra training or getting to know a local dog sitter now for when baby arrives in case you have to stay in a few days or have lots of visitors. My dog was my life for 11 years before baby but an emergency C section and cluster feeding meant I needed extra help when baby arrived.

 

[chickhicks86]

Nah, just don’t go. I personally would’ve pulled the pregnant card once I heard the journey is a 5hour round trip.
Don’t let them make you feel bad instead tell them that you wish they/your partner had given you the correct info about the day. But seeing as your having a difficult pregnancy and have the dog you can’t go.

Exactly this! It's a long journey without the complication of leaving your dog for so long (I too would have agreed on the basis of 5 hours but not 9). If you were stuck in traffic for any reason it could even be longer. You've said you will cover the cost of the ticket for whatever it is, so I would just send your partner on his way and enjoy the day at home snuggling with your pooch instead.

 

[ShadesMint]

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the responses. His family are angry with him and upset with me but it is what it is. My family would've looked after her if they'd had enough notice which is really frustrating. But anyway. I feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing staying home

 

[nataliaaaaa]

H all sorry it’s me again from a few posts up re my partner dropping all my things off to my parents. So he contacted me in the week and pointed out it’s the family party today and he needed to know whether I was going or not. Now - I know I don’t deserve sympathy, but I genuinely feel really depressed at the moment, like a real
Black cloud is over me. I stopped taking Cerazette as per doctors orders but that was only a couple of nights ago so am really hoping this was the cause and it starts to lift. Doctor has also put me on some meds as my ferritin was low, so medically I have a plan. My issue with my partner contacting me was it get very much like a ‘I need to know if you’re coming to the party’ rather than a ‘how are you, I want to help you’. I asked why he was contacting me then when he wasn’t interested days ago when I was in a v dark place. Anyway we have been texting a bit over the last few days, not loads but I told him about coming off the pill as he needs to know this anyway, and so this morning I thought I’d be the one to bite the bullet and ask if I should come to the family party. I honestly thought that would be the thing to do as it’s me making the effort, and he has replied saying he doesn’t get me, he mentioned this days ago and I had a go at him etc, how much I’m really hurting him. I genuinely feel lost in terms of what to do - should I just stay away for a bit or should I make an effort? Just feels like whatever I do is wrong. And I genuinely do feel this is some kind of depression I’m feeling, I’m sat here in tears writing this (again not for sympathy, but I don’t know how to get across how I feel).
---
Just to add I feel even more blue (not that this bit is depression, this bit is more just sad) - because I was originally booked in to go and stay with a friend this weekend to go to some Christmas markets (we try and do this every year) but I had to amend my plans with her as my partner asked if I could change it so I could go to this party.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

My issue with my partner contacting me was it get very much like a ‘I need to know if you’re coming to the party’ rather than a ‘how are you, I want to help you’.

I'm saying all this with genuine sympathy for you, but I'm going to speak honestly. I don't think you realise the impact your words and behaviour and attitude are having on him. You've mentioned going to the GP and you're hoping coming off the pill will help - while this is a step, you really need to be looking into therapy and counselling. This is not an issue that is going to go away with a small medication change, it is going to require you to find healthy coping mechanisms and anger management techniques. You've insulted and hurt your partner, to the point where he wants to end things, and you expect him to reach out with a 'I want to help you' message. You seem to feel entitled to his help with your mental state (by mentioning he didn't reach out hen you were in a dark place) and that is going to have a huge toll on him. It's a hell of a lot of pressure to be under, feeling responsible for another person's mental health. It sounds to me like he is at breaking point with it, and as you keep repeating the cycle of having a go at him, he feels like nothing is changing.

Whether you want him back or not, you need to start seeing a psychologist or therapist to find ways to cope that are healthy. I know it is incredibly hard when you're in that dark cloud but you and you alone are responsible for your recovery. You've identified the problem and it's now up to you to find experts who can help. It's clear your partner cares about you, but he can't give you the help you need - and that's totally normal. Please try and get booked in with a counsellor, or even try an online service like BetterHelp etc.