The advice thread for random problems #4

[Rxt156]

Would you have gravy with a chicken and leek pie?

If it was Pie + potatoes + veg = yes
Pie + chips = hmm still probably yes actually

 

[griftalo]

You've had a fair bit going on recently (from stuff you've mentioned on threads) so it's not surprising you're feeling a bit strung out. As another poster (Becca) said, if you're operating at overwhelm then the default can be irritation.

The ironic thing about this is that it's taken me giving this advice to apply it to my own life.

You're not alone so keep talking when you need to.
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This is interesting. I'm obviously not the poster but I can relate to what she's said. Does peri affect your memory as well because I'm starting to worry there's something seriously wrong with me.

Yes, in my experience. It’s like dementia suddenly took hold. Hrt patches have helped.
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Does anyone know how to stop being messy?? and be more organised?

I’m embarrassed to say this but I’m a 33 year old, and my bedroom is constantly messy, like for example. I’ve got a big pile of stuff on my floor my mum is the same, like constantly tidying cause she’s messy too so I know it’s been passed on.

I do suffer from depression so now and again, I have no desire to tidy. But I do wish that I was one of those people who need to tidy even if 2 or things have been left on the floor!

Making sure you’ve decluttered stuff you don’t need first before starting to organise helps. I have adhd and it’s a constant struggle then having a place for everything helps too. It’s a constant thing for me. I have kids and any surface gets stuff left on it. If everything has a determined place it gets easier, however, it’s not easy!

 

[avabella]

Ok - to give the background.

When I booked the balayage, the price was listed as €158. When I went to pay after all was done, I was charged €200. When I asked about the difference, they said the difference was an add-on for the toner. Fair enough if the toner is extra, but it needs to be mentioned somewhere on the price list.

In previous salons, the overall price included the toner. I’m not questioning the fact there’s a charge for it, I’m questioning the fact the way charges are disclosed.

Woah 40 euro for a toner is a bit extreme to be fair too!

 

[Captainmouse]

They will have a record at least, and, it may turn out this is not the first time he has done this, nor the last. It needs reporting.

 

[tomato_paste]

Any advice for irrational anger? I can't afford therapy atm so that's not an option. I do meditate which does help. I've never had anger problems before, but I find myself so irritable/angry so easily these days. Don't get me wrong, I'm not violent or aggressive. I just vent on here or to friends. But I think being stuck in the middle of a family war, plus my mum being increasingly cantankerous and demanding whilst being in hospital (for which I'm running around after her daily) is just getting to me.

Beating a boxing bag to pulp or lifting heavy weights helps me specifically, but all exercise helps because of the endorphins. I don't know if CBD supplements are legal where you live but they also help keeping calm. IMHO that's just dealing with the symptoms though, which to me sounds like you're stretched too thin while people keep demanding more and more and MORE and your have nobody to help you with your stuff.

Can you say no to some obligations / things? How involved are you in this family war? Do you even want to be involved? How does that articulate itself? Do family members vent at you about others or try to get you to take sides? If so, I'd honestly block them for a while (not forever unless maybe you realise that Aunt Meredith is a right old bitch and you don't need that energy in your life), or put their messages on mute and archive the chats.

I'm guessing there is nothing you can do about bringing peace to this war. If that's something you're feeling like you should be doing, I suggest you stop trying. What's the worst case scenario if this war escalates? Are there any consequences for you specifically if things come to a head? If not, wash your hands off them and let them duke it out. It's none of your business what other, grown adults are warring about.

And your mum - do you need to run when she asks or is it some sort of guilt button that's been installed in you? If she's in hospital, her needs are taken care of. She won't starve, she won't get hurt. How much time do you want to dedicate to her? It's ok if you say "-5398439 hours a week, please give me back my life" btw

Realistically, she's a grown fucking adult and shouldn't need you to run her life for her. Yes, being ill sucks, but so does being run off your feet until you explode. If you feel super guilty for "leaving her", make it a managed thing. Dedicate 15 minutes to her demands in the morning, write a list of what she wants and manage her expectations to the best of your ability. You will come by at X time on Y date and you have Z hours / minutes to stay by her side. You will run X errand at that time and not earlier. Be very very specific and clear and if she needles you with "but why can't you do it earlier etc bla bla" ignore it. Repeat your statement and become immovable. This is your life after all.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

Well they were slow to act but seem to have got there in the end. Have you still got the Police involved? I can't imagine how stressful all this must have been for you

 

[ShadesMint]

I’d say it’s their fault for assuming and it’s your dog you’ll do it your way. Dogs are like humans not toys. They need looking after too. I have a dog myself and she’s never left alone for more than a couple hours as she doesn’t cope. I also wouldn’t trust a dog sitter as you just never know. My dogs my world I only allow family to have her and if they can’t then I don’t go. I think you’re being more than reasonable to cancel after not knowing how far away it is and being pregnant and I agree it’s not fair to leave your dog all day

It's upsetting me how dismissive they're being tbh, they all love our dog so I don't know why they are just saying 'she'll be fine, she'll probably just sleep' When I know for a fact she will sleep for 2-3 hours but will then start pacing and getting distressed because we aren't there.
I feel guilty because they've paid for a ticket for me but I've given some money to my partner and told him to pay them when he sees them.

 

[Rxt156]

I'm 2 yrs into divorcing someone who was controlling and coercive. I'm nearly there thankfully but he will do anything to get at me. His latest stunt is to refuse to take out child to an activity that is part of a school award, that he has to do for a period of three months.

Apparently it would 'interfere with his other commitments'.

He lives in a bedsit (earns 50k) so is 'unable' to share childcare. He does see them but one at a time for two hours here and there. For comparison, the last night out I had was in Aug 22.

Said child has now started asking questions because they can obviously see that their dad has no other commitments.

Over the last couple of years I've ended up having to say that whilst I have an issue with their dad, they shouldn't. The relationships are separate etc. They're starting to see there is a problem though. I've had a slightly more honest conversation tonight but have stressed the importance that they don't worry about the extra issues and just concentrate on enjoying a relationship with him.

Where do I go from here?

Sounds kind youre doing the right thing. Your child will continue to make their own decision about their dad. Possibly will end up seeing that he’s treating you badly and will make further decisions based on that

 

[Thank(space)you]

Not really a problem but got a weekend to London booked in a few weeks with a very excited 4 year old. Done London plenty of times (we are from the North) and with a toddler but not a 4 year old who is obsessed with the idea! Any suggestions to make it exciting? Places to eat? We are doing the transport museum already.

I went recently with my 7 year old. We loved the sea life centre. Tower of London was good too but not sure how interested your 4 year old would be?
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So sorry they’ve been so shit to you but I’m glad you’ve found the courage to go to the police. You do not need to inform anyone of this, if they need input from your workplace they’ll get in contact themselves. I hope they’re able to make you feel reassured because this isn’t your fault at all. Have you spoke to a GP and maybe asked for a counselling session? It may help you to get things off your chest x

I haven't spoken to the GP but the police did suggest it (I was crying a lot during my call with them)

 

[Snippysnips]

It's the first time he's ever essentially drugged me, but he's crossed boundaries in the past by being sexually inappropriate towards me and he's pinned me up against the wall by my throat once.

She loves him so there's not really anything I can say/do with regards to their relationship

Honestly I think it's best just to end the friendship, he's a complete lunatic, unfortunately as you say if she loves him there's nothing you can do, they have to see it for themselves, I've been there with telling family that their partner is an arsehole but until they actually see that then they don't listen an your as well talking to a brick wall, but if you don't want to end the friendship then I'd just make sure the only time you are with your friend is when he's not there, an if she needs to ask why you won't see her when she's with him then there's your answer as to if it's really worth it

 

[seosaimhín]

Thanks, I had a look but there's really nothing in my area that offers anything, it seems like collage would be my only option which with work am not able to do

I am getting put through training with my workplace but coding wasn't something they could offer either as it's more just the business, finance, admin etc

you should look at codecademy! It's free up to a point, I'm not sure what gaming languages they have but they do great intros to Python/Java and all that.

 

[stargirl23]

Not really a problem but got a weekend to London booked in a few weeks with a very excited 4 year old. Done London plenty of times (we are from the North) and with a toddler but not a 4 year old who is obsessed with the idea! Any suggestions to make it exciting? Places to eat? We are doing the transport museum already.

Natural history museum or science museum are amazing, they’re very interactive! Sea life centre I also loved, rainforest cafe we didn’t enjoy, overpriced for what you get and the food wasn’t too enjoyable unfortunately, M&S world my son loved but he prepared the bags are pricy shrek adventures was good but my son is 8 so not sure if your 4 year old will enjoy it as they may prefer younger aimed things
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I've come back this week following Xmas break. He is suspended still, I'm guessing until HR make a decision.

I've also asked to book on with occupational health to discuss the anxiety I'm feeling relating to going to work, see if they have any suggestions.

Occupational therapy are great. I used them in the past and they helped a lot with my mental health so hoping you get a similar positive result

 

[avabella]

Reading that my heartrate actually shot up

I feel so guilty like I’ve got bad karma now and need to rectify it, is that weird?

It would have gotten chucked anyway if you didn’t buy it so have it and enjoy it

 

[littlepup]

My GP has rang back, the hosp haven’t said I’ve got gallstones but just asked for an ultrasound scan, so basically given half a story to my GP, I’ve been prescribed naproxen & something to help settle my stomach so I’m hoping that will ease the pain, I don’t have a temperature & going to the toilet ok, so that makes me feel I’m wasting people’s time it’s just this pain that’s driving me mad, bloods came back fine too. Thank you for the replies x

Absolutely not wasting anyone’s time!! If you really are concerned consider how much more time and resource a situation requires if it’s left and gets bad (like appendicitis vs ruptured appendix). Prevention is better than a cure always so if it gets bad again, go in to be seen.
Hope you start to feel better with the meds though.

 

[Popcornshovel]

I was really touched when an old friend found me on FB (our Mums were friends too), but then came the realisation that it was only to try and sell Forever Living. I'm far from skinny these days and am quite sensitive about it and she had the cheek to sign me up to some juice weight loss group she'd started. I was open mouthed for about 5 minutes, then posted on there that I was type 2 diabetic, the juice was pure sugar and I'd probably end up in hospital for trying to lose weight that way so I wasn't sure why she'd signed me up..... then blocked her. It's as awkward as fuck as she now lives in the same village........!!

These people have the hides of rhinos. There is no way to be tactful or polite - blunt and direct is the only way.

Woah, some people are shameless! Anything to make a buck, ffs.

 

[Rxt156]

So, latest update - she's going on sick leave. She's got the appointment Friday to be signed off but has asked her GP if he can confirm early that he'll definitely sign her off for the whole period. This is because she'll be in the office tomorrow and will hand over all of her items then, so that she can simply leave that day and never have to see them again. She has a one-to-one weekly meeting with her boss at 1:30pm and is going to tell him then all going well.

I know that conversation is going to be hell - and probably a screamfest on his side more than a 'conversation'. Aside from 'grin and bear it because you're escaping', any advice on what she should/shouldn't say? Should she even hand her belongings in that day, or act like everything is fine and simply email following the GP appointment that she won't be returning? Etc etc. All advice appreciated. Thank you!

Don’t tell anyone at work she plans to go off sick. I’d tell her to remove all personal belongings and leave everything else in an accessible place so they can just take it from her desk. Email the sick note in the morning then take her out for breakfast
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ETA just read other posts - she can drop off the belongings another day, doesn’t need to be immediate. You could even do it for her

 

[stargirl23]

I’m not northern but I’d happily have gravy on anything cheesy chips and gravy is my obsession

 

[becca7721]

My toilet has broken AGAIN. I think it’s got it in for me, Im sure it does it deliberately.... Handyman was ok about it, but it’s gone twice today so they’ve given up. Coming back Monday as they’ve been out four times in two days but I’m not in a good place mental wise, not their fault, but I’m terrified of landlord so was in a state.

Today is the anniversary of my aunt dying

Spoiler: how - triggering

she ended her life

literally the date and day and I’m really struggling with it. It’s not something I’ve been able to come to terms with, due to compounded grief and no support (others died same way). So I’d planned to watch her favourite film and eat some comfort food after going for a walk. The walk has been a bust, getting meds thankfully less so as the pharmacist was a locum and didn't do their job properly (from my point of view that’s good thing), no recycling bags to get rid of waste which was a must for Monday.

But the toilet on top, being ill (last night at crisis service) all yesterday and reminder I’m street homeless after Easter is overwhelming me.

So any tips for today and tomorrow actually as it’s always a hard one (my foster mum I adored died when I was five; the alternate was my aunt whose anniversary is today).

 

[me myself and karma]

If I had to do my 3 over again I'd want infacol and alcohol
Seriously though, there wasn't Hello fresh type things about back then. I would have been so grateful for that, amazing idea!

 

[conrea37]

Ginger cats are mental but wonderful had one for 11 years till he got run over. Such a personality.