The advice thread for random problems #3

[TheGlossy]

My brother organized an appointment at the notary to sign a tax document to close a probate.

This probate has been ongoing for more than a year and all documents listed in the list of required documents were provided.

The appointment is this afternoon and the notary has been hassling me since 10am for my ID. I’m at work and can’t provide it because I don’t carry my passport with me.

I don’t understand why this person is now hassling me every hour before the appointment for a document that should have been requested more than a year ago and never was.

 

[QueenBW]

That's what another person has said to me, said I can forgive but not forget but she hurt me and i'll never trust her the same, I'll never be able to go out with her again, that's for sure! She said to our friend that she isn't ready to address what she said to me yet too which I honestly think is a cop out

Yeah, that does sound like a cop out. No one's asking her to address what led her to that outburst, but she should be able to say: "I know my actions hurt you, I said some terrible things. I'm working through stuff that I'll hopefully be able to talk to you about further along, but for now know that I am very sorry I hurt you and I regret my actions." That's basic adulting. Owning our actions, recognizing how they impacted someone else, and stating we are sorry. Ideally there'd also be a statement about how to regroup, improve, etc (like, "I'm going to therapy to address my drinking/rage/depression and I know I will have to work hard to regain your trust") the but the basic recognition of pain inflicted is the bare minimum.

Sounds like she's been given lots of grace by you and your other friends. She should be grateful to have you in her life and try to repair the relationship, even when it of course will never be the same. Trust takes time to build and she tore down your trust that night.

Friendship troubles are tough, sending you good thoughts.

 

[Rxt156]

Hi. Not sure if this is the right place to post but I am in need of advice. My 15 year old son has recently converted to islam. While I am trying to support his decision (my dad was muslim) the impact its having on his life is causing isolation from friends. They are at the dating stage which is not allowed for my son and the daily 5 prayers mean he is restricted from activities. Anyone have any experience with this? Thanks

Hi I also didn’t want to just read and run. If it’s affecting his life to a point where you are concerned then you should speak to him about it

I don’t have particular experience in this area but it is always a big red flag when young people change religion/join a religion and start acting very differently (can be concerning many/any religions not just Islam)

You need to ask why the change? More importantly who has influenced this. Would you consider your son to be vulnerable and easily led? If it’s genuine and he’s being respectable and following the rules of the religion then great but there is always the concern it may be more serious and for not so good reasons. no judgement here just trying to help

 

[Kim Mild]

Not really a "problem" but after some ideas. Apart from a meal out, cinema or going for a walk what is there to do for adults? I love all those three I mentioned but looking at doing something a bit different to break it up

What about the theatre rather than cinema?
Spa day
Casino or bingo
Escape room
Fencing, archery , clay pigeon shooting
The races
Art galleries
The pub
Pub quiz

 

[stargirl23]

Not a witness, just listening and being supportive?

Legally they can be there but it’s advised anyone benefiting from the will should not be present when the will is made

 

[CoffeeMamma]

If I had seen that on an invite in the past I would have thought it was a caring and thoughtful thing to say. I'm sure the parents will be over the moon that their children are invited tbh, based on my previous experience.

Thank you! I thought people would be okay with it, I just fret about social things. I also wasn’t sure if the phrasing was okay. My son has always struggled making friends so as long as he wants them there so do I

 

[CallMeHollywood]

Thanks, apparently skater coat works too, I love the style but have never had one, am just worried it will sit flat, the flare with give it the illusion it's a bit shorter than it is which is what I need for my height since they are all probably a bit long for my preference

Joe browns love this style, have a look on there and their eBay outlet shop.

 

[square_spoon]

I had an interview for an internal role yesterday - I’ve worked with one of the interviewers before - he emailed me after to say well done & that I did a good job

Is that a good sign or is it a bit consolation -y? What would you think thanks

Either or really It’s unlikely any decision had been made the time he sent it so just take it as a colleague congratulating you on a good interview.

 

[square_spoon]

How do you be a good friend to someone who is going through a breakup with a married man? (For context in the story she didn’t mention he was married until he dumped her). Anyway I knew my friend had been seeing someone for about 6-9 months, she met him through a sport she’s involved with that I’m not, so although I thought it was weird she never introduced us during that time I passed it off as us not moving in the same crowd. She was quite secretive about the whole thing but seemed happy so I was happy for her. Fast forward to now and he’s dumped her, saying he’s going to stay with his wife and kids (it turns out the 6-9 months coincided with his wife being pregnant and the breakup coincided with the birth of that child). My friend is inconsolable, thought he was the one etc. etc. and I’m trying to be supportive to her through the breakup but it’s really difficult. She has put this guy on a pedestal and is convinced he is the perfect man for her, speaks unkindly about his wife, and although I don’t bash him when we chat (that takes some restraint) if I even suggest that he’s made his choice and she needs to learn to love with it even though it hurts she starts lashing out at me. It’s tiring.

I understand she is heartbroken and believes everything this guy told her but it is so hard to listen to. I don’t want to abandon her in the middle of this but honestly it’s tough to support her. Not because he’s a married guy but because she is so in denial about the realities of their relationship and says horrible things about his wife….and then lashes out at me about how I don’t understand their connection and a love like theirs. She’s right, I don’t understand being the side piece while some fella’s wife is pregnant, and having him decide he’s not feeling us anymore when his wife has the baby. Any advice on what to do?

 

[xbxbx]

This is so embarrassing and I cannot believe I’m going to post this lmao. I swear to god I am a functioning adult

Landlord has put in a new oven and taken all the packaging etc. including the instructions so now I don’t know how to use my oven it’s a grill and oven with the hob on top - I can figure out the hobs lol! (in my defence here: the old oven had a different style dial and the oven at my parents I just knew to flick it 1 way forward as it’s been the same since I was a kid but the 1 first picture on this one doesn’t look the same as the first picture on this oven)

can someone please tell me what these mean and which one is the bog standard oven function

View attachment 2293273

So my oven is similar to this:

Squiggly line is for the grill

Line at the top and line at the bottom is for heat from both the top and bottom of the oven

Single line at the bottom is heat from just the bottom of the oven

Single line at the top is heat from just the top of the oven (not the grill)

You’re supposed to used them based on what you’re cooking eg pizza should be cooked using just the bottom heat element but I cook everything using the heat from the top and bottom and everything has turned out fine!

 

[Hellojanuary]

Yes, I’m sure it did come from a genuine intention and concern. I just don’t want this situation to follow me around and people thinking I’ll have a panic/anxiety attack at the drop of a hat which is the case at all.
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Fair, but this was an isolated incident and they know it. There was no prior indicator of me struggling. Now, if it becomes a repeated pattern, it should be reported but a one-off when the person was otherwise fine shouldn’t be a cause for concern.

If they’re (coworkers/managers) are going to judge your ability, work ethic and results on one moment compared to the rest of your work history, well that’s on them. Go about things as normal. Sounds like your manager has already moved on. Do you have someone to talk to about your stress, though?

 

[Username_unknown]

Is her drinking a regular thing? I’d be concerned that there’s a problem there if she’s physically attacking people. Without being dramatic, are her children safe when she’s been drinking?

I’m sorry that she was so cruel to use your fertility struggles against you like that. The question you have to ask is do you actually want to move past this? I’d say she is the one that needs to be making an effort considering how upset you are. Has she made any effort to apologise? Why does she think you are a terrible friend? The fact you tried to calm her down at the house party suggests you are far from that

She was attending sessions to help with her drinking, she doesn't know when to stop when out. But at home her husband is there so she will only drink 1 or 2
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It sounds like your friend was going through severe mental distress, that type of aggression and bold statements like you should take her children seems beyond regular drunkenness. But that doesn't give her permission to treat you like that, and much less to not make amends herself. It doesn't mean either that you should give her a free pass or become a punching bag.

Has she sought help? Has she apologized, sincerely, to you for her actions that night? Has she taken responsibility for her own actions?

If the answers to these questions are no, then I don't see why you should be under any obligation to brush things under the rug.

You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, sad, betrayed, wary. Whatever. For your own sake I'd suggest forgiving her in a general manner, as in not holding a grudge or hating her because it sounds like she was completely out of her senses. But if she, the offending party, hasn't made any effort to apologize and make amends, I think the friendship is probably not one that would be equal. You'd keep being there and giving her support and she wouldn't reciprocate. So I'd evaluate if that's something that you want or if you'd prefer to just take some distance.

She was under mental distress which is why i looked out for her but no she hasn't offered an apology just moaning to her other friends that she wont be invited to my house and that i dont call or message anymore. I seriously just dont know what to do, you're probably right i shouldn't brush it under the rug.,

 

[Snippysnips]

Yes we did the Alice in wonderland one. You'll have to download the app to receive clues/play. Good fun.

Thanks, will probably book it then

 

[Snippysnips]

Asking this on behalf of my lovely daughter, who doesn't have an account - and I'm not really sure what to advise her here (my career was very different from hers).

'I work as the only communications manager for a small charity, and we hosted a two-day event recently explaining some new legislation that is relevant to us. For months beforehand I had been working on the materials, badges, roll-ups, banners, powerpoint designs, etc as I am the only communications/press person in the office and that's my job. As we are a small office of about 10 people, a lot of my job involves writing articles for magazines on our very niche technical topic. I have a real interest in it and was looking forward to hearing from some experts at the event on this legislation that I have written extensively about for over a year.

About two weeks before the event, my boss called me to say my attendance isn't necessary as we 'aren't doing any social media' and 'I would find it boring anyway'. I was really taken aback but accepted his decision. Several colleagues were really shocked at this and tried to speak to him to say that I should be there for various reasons. My boss was having none of it and said there would be enough people there and I just wasn't needed. I wasn't even invited to the after-working-hours dinner.

In the end, the entire office attended apart from me and our office manager (who stayed in the office as we were having repairs done). I didn't realise quite how hurt I would be seeing pictures of them enjoying drinks and dinner and sharing inside jokes after the event on our office WhatsApp group. I felt disrespected by my boss for brushing me off for an event I'd worked hard on, on a topic I was interested in.

Am I overreacting?'

Definitely not over reacting, it sounds as if she went above an beyond with her work an to be cut out is honestly quite cruel, I'd think something needs to be said an a proper reason giving as to why she was left out, saying she simply wasn't needed isn't good enough after all the work she done

Apart from the boss, does she enjoy being there? I think I'd probably look elsewhere for a job, she's being taking advantage off an it's clear the boss doesn't value her

 

[stardust1]

Can anyone help me regarding a hen party? Do you have to get everyone a gift bag?

I’m maid of honour and it’s a night away with hotel, travel and activities. I’ve also paid for the bride. I’ve paid for card games, accessories for bride to wear etc and everything is adding up quickly! If I have to get gift bags it’s going to be a lot of money as there will be 16 people. It’s really making me worry as we don’t have loads of spare money.

We’re also paying to travel, hotel stop for the actual wedding plus of course wedding gift and everything else involved.

Please someone tell me I’m not a tight arse for not wanting to do gift bags? Or if I am being tight can someone please give me suggestions of what I could give people?

Wedding Planning #3 Guest List Stresses and Unusual Dresses!

Hey! Not sure if this is the best place to ask but was wondering if anyone had done anything different/unique for their hen? I'm really not in to drinking so not over bothered about that being a big thing. Also not bothered about UK or abroad. It'd be for around 25-30 people too which I think is...

tattle.life

good thread which may help x

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Can anyone who has a cat give me a rough idea of what they cost a month? My friend seems to think she can “upgrade” from a hamster at no extra cost

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Thank you for your replies I had only just picked up my new car from the garage at the time so that was upsetting, and then I was so anxious over the whole thing. My son was on the verge of needing the next stage car seat (he’s just crept over the weight limit) so I think I’ll take the opportunity to replace it. I might not “need” to but I’ll definitely feel better, and if the insurance will pay for it then bonus!!
Edit to add: physically I’m totally fine! Emotionally I’m a bit of a wreck!

 

[Bubbledoggyyeah]

really sorry to read thisi think that was quite a cruel thing for him to do. Surround your self with friends and family, do something nice for your self at the weekend before your new job. I’d also block him. In terms of eating and sleeping, eat little and often and i’d take some night nurse if you don’t need to get up in the morning.

good luck with the new job

Thank you. Everything feels very grey right now. I will take your advice.

 

[themuffinwoman]

Is there any chance at all that she actually has fertility issues and chooses to deal with them like this? It’s a really strange reaction to be so drastically anti-children that you’d ditch your own sister and have such a strong reaction.

Nah she just really really hates children. Like I say I think that reaction was to do with the MIL obsessing about my little one, and if she was there it would have 100% resulted in comments like “don’t you want one” etc etc, which I completely appreciate is annoying but she didn’t tell me that. Also that’s just me interpreting the situation, I went for the ceremony and her MIL pounced on me and offered to babysit, which is massively weird. Or maybe she just despises my daughter, which was the impression I got from what she said

 

[becca7721]

I’m sorry to hear of your loss @Carapop take care and remember grief is as unique. Steps aren’t always linear.

I know what you mean about kindness here, and, thank you for reaching out to me.