The advice thread for random problems #2

[CoffeeMamma]

It’s not a problem per se but here goes.

I live in Dublin and traveled to London to work from here for a week. For the past year or so, I have been in a constant state of anxiety / panic sometimes for valid reasons, sometimes for no reason. I’ve also had weird bursts of paralyzing anxiety.

The few times I have not experienced anxiety this year were when traveling or away from home. This week in London, I had a lot of stress at work but zero anxiety. I felt like myself again. My OCD has been quasi non existent (when it’s super debilitating at home). It’s been so non existent that I forgot things in various places and didn’t care because I felt relaxed.

I’m now wondering if all the anxiety is driven by where I live and maybe a change of scenery will help me regain my mental health. This week was the first time I’ve felt like my old self in a long time. Carefree, no anxiety, no OCD.

I flying home tomorrow and I now have a pit in my stomach at the thought of my anxiety kicking in again. I’m now wondering if I should think of moving in a year’s time or so.

Absolutely no advice but I went through the same thing, I moved out of the home where I tried to unalive myself and felt so much happier almost instantly. A year out of there and my overall mental health had improved tenfold. It was like I’d left a demon behind.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Thank you to those who gave me hair advice! We’re two washes in and I have lots of waves and some curls emerging so I’m super excited I’ll probably make some mistakes yet of course but we’re going the right way

 

[rainbowlemon]

I'm waiting for a smear test and I feel sick with nerves. I know they do them every day and don't give a shit but the thought of me laying there
I've put it off since 2016 so I know I need it done but I'm a wreck
I need to woman up. I'm 32 fgs

ETA it was just as bad as i thought it was going to be. She had to readjust the bed twice with me laid there legs akimbo , she had to readjust the speculum 3 times then use a longer one, she said I was too tall . BUT it's done, hopefully for another 3 years. Being a woman is so glamorous

Well done for getting it done.

I need to get mine done too. Not gone though it yet though I've seen lots carried out, vaginal ultrasounds and seen births too. I'm a year younger then you but have a lot of shame about it which stems from sexual abuse.

It took me years to go to the dentist too even though my teeth have been relatively okay.

---

I wasn't with her in person, as I cannot pin her down.

If she hasn't sent me the money in the new few weeks either I will pursue or make a complaint.

Also there's always small claims courts too if she doesn't.

 

[chickhicks86]

Duvets - my absolute favourite is a mid range one from Ikea. It has a cotton type outer (I'm not sure if it is) and a proper edging to it, not just a seam. I'll see if I can find it.

This range - there are different tog ratings https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/smasporre-duvet-12-tog-00458447/

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Sounds like burnout. Is there any way you can take a break from something to relieve pressure? So a break from work but continue studying or a break from study and continue working until something is “ticked off” so to speak?

I don't think there is at the moment unfortunately. The study is part of my contract so has to be completed and if I take leave from work the thing I'm working on at the moment will be even more overdue so the pressure will be even worse. I also don't want to let anyone down.

I know that if someone came to me with the same issue, I'd be telling them that something had to give and they should take some leave. It's just quite difficult to take my own advice.

I feel really frustrated with myself. Work was going really well, I felt confident etc but everything going on in my personal life has really impacted my ability to deal with things. Some days I feel completely paralysed with anxiety and even simple tasks feel overwhelming. It's a bit like having brain fog, I just don't seem able to engage my brain properly. I thought having some counselling might be enough to get me through but I'm not sure it will be, although I am finding it helpful.

I'm trying to take one day at a time, sometimes even less than that, more hour by hour, rather than thinking too far ahead.
Feeling like this is horrible though.

 

[tomato_paste]

Poor pooch isn't eating her dinner and has been bad at eating for a few days now. We travelled a lot in the car the last 3 days which makes her ill sometimes, and she had a course of antibiotics just before which made her nauseous as well.

I'm pretty sure she's thinking that food == feeling ill which is a bad bad thing. I feel so sorry for her and I will take her to the vet if she isn't eating by Tuesday - but how do I manage my anxiety over her being unwell? I'm sure it isn't helping

 

[Mamacita]

I need an outside opinion on a family situation, it's with the in laws. Background information, I'm a stay at home, home educating mum of three little ones, my eldest is school age the other two are toddlers. I have no child care so my children are at home 24/7, I am not complaining about that it's the life I choose and love to have but it does mean that I have no time to do anything outside of looking after them. We are a family of five living in a small two bed house, with three children at home 24/7 it gets messy and cluttered and as fast as I can try to tidy up they make more mess behind me. Again not complaining, we are a happy home.
This is where I need advice because I don't know why this bugs me so much. My in laws are generally wonderful and we have a good relationship but everytime it is anyone birthday in their side of the family they tell us that they are coming to our house when they live in a huge house with plenty of room for entertaining but always want to come to ours. I wouldn't mind if they asked without fully expecting it or if it was just for mother and father in-laws birthdays but its my nephew, my brother in law, my husbands uncle and auntie who he doesnt see apart from on their birthdays. Then my mother in law puts in cake requests, im not a professional baker/cake decorator but on my nephews last birthday she asked me to make a cake and make it look like a scooter because thats what he's into at the moment. Then its the request for decorations to be put up, it's just a lot on top of my full time job of educating my little girl with two little toddlers running around destroying the place. The thing that gets me about the requests for my nephews birthday, his dad (my brother in law) does NOTHING for it he literally just turns up at my house, for his sons birthday not even a thank you no help with anything NOTHING, he could at least host it at his house which is 5 minutes from ours and ask for help with cooking etc, but no its left to me when I have three children of my own.
We have said no before to hosting one of their birthdays at ours because it was not long after I gave birth to my second little one, it was it difficult time becoming a mum of two with my then three year old at home struggling with the change and I had post natal depression so things were getting on top of me, anyway it caused serious tension they were not impressed and they let it be known. I know this isn't a big problem really and it's only a few days out of the year but I think I just don't like the way that its forced. I don't do it for my side of the family, my sister arranges my neices birthday parties, my step dad arranges my mums and we help him with what's needed we usually go to their house, even my children's birthday parties we usually hire a hall but for some reason they need to use our house
Anyway that is my rant over You are welcome to tell me that I'm being unreasonable, I just needed to get it off my chest because we just had a request in for the next party. If you made it to the end thank you, the ramblings of a crazy lady

The unreasonable part is you not just telling them no. No chance I'd be having that!!

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thank you @London Hung Guy Snippysnips Sprezza conrea37. It was pretty brutal but I am on the up. I an hardly ever ill so it was a bit of a worry! In 13 years my husband has never seen me not get up.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Going back 10 years so pre GDPR. A lady reversed in to me at a retail park and drove off. I was sat stationary in the car so scribbled down her plate and went to to police station. They found her number (insurance details I assume) and contacted her to pass on my details in the hope of creating some dialogue. They at no point gave me her number and I asked them to share mine. I think you could definitely complain about the station passing on your data without consent.
Course of action depends about how stressful you want to make it for yourself. My instinct is their car was already damaged and they're looking for a free fix. You could say you too have dash cam footage and then I think it may just fizzle out pretty quickly. Or just leave it in the hands of your insurer and not engage. If you're confident you didn't make contact with their car though make this perfectly clear to your insurer, hope you're ok.

Also if you are certain you didn’t do anything, I would look a pursuing this person for harassment along with the complaint with the police. What they have done is unacceptable and breaches all of GDPR.

 

[Slaybutter]

Yeah this is very good points and advice. I think I’m feeling sensitive this week with everything.

My dating life goal is marriage and potentially kids as he’s already been married twice and got three kids (by three different women!) and I’m so used to not saying what I want, I don’t want to budge on this.

I feel like, reading between the lines, you’re thinking maybe he might get her pregnant with his fourth, perhaps a third marriage in the cards, and that you wish it’s you in this situation and quite possibly would be you had you played things closer to the chest. Just remember he already has three children to think about and that you and any child you have with him would be getting a quarter of his to share, in the best case scenario where he is a good dad.

Please forget about him and throw your line back out again

 

[Sprezza]

Ride it out, just don't eat anything - just drink boiled water. You will survive.

My whole family are getting this in staggered succession. I'm just waiting for my turn Already had to leave work for feeling sick and shaky. I have a headache as well.
But yeah seems to be a 24 hour tthing-its grim but I'm sure we'll be fine!

 

[littlepup]

Not really a problem but does anyone have any recommendations for comfy sandals that don't look horrible?.

I'm going on holiday soon and need to find some. Just comfy enough to walk round all day!

Whatever you chose, break them in.
John Lewis had loads of Birkenstock in small sizes at 70% off at Xmas, worth an eye.
Last year trekking sandals were in fashion so teva were everywhere too, there’s still sales here and there depending on the style. I got some NEXT copies which were eventually comfy but the non elasticed strap really rubbed to start.
Havianas are terrible for your feet but super comfy past the first week, I wore them exclusively for 6 weeks and 3 months respectively while travelling and had no issues.
Definitely just try to wear in whatever you get with socks for a few days. Leather, rubber or synthetic, it always takes me a week or two come the spring to wear in even old strappy shoes, and I’ll wear them through to October, just get past the first wears.

 

[Randy Marsh]

There's nothing wrong with that dress.

 

[Gymhoned]

Is it free? In which case the only thing you have to lose is some time. Apps have changed a lot in the last 6 years and my friends have met some nice people (no successful relationships though, sorry!) so it might be fun from that perspective?

Firstly i agree that person clearly has had a few bad experiences and was unnecessarily rude to you.

From my exp..i tried apps on and off was ok..but i do think to meet someone you need to be quite invested but also be light hearted and dont let bad dates put you off. You will meet someone eventually if you want to i really believe in putting signals out, putting it out to the universe. Even saying out loud want you want from life and a person. I eventually met my partner on a walking holiday but i know i was just happy having fun and enjoying my life and he walked in to it. I was 42 so took some time to meet!! Dont give up there are good men out there..i really believe in telling the universe what you want and it comes back to you.

 

[Babysnark]

Part rant, part looking for advice.

Everything is so hard lately. I'm naturally quite a neurotic person and find stuff like this hard to deal with.

My husband has had mental health issues for a while (we think CPTSD-based but not sure - still no diagnosis). It's been getting worse and we've been back and forth with the GP with medication that does nothing. Over the past couple of weeks he's been telling me he can't cope, doesn't want to be here anymore. I make medical appointments for him for various reasons which I won't go into. Tried to get an appointment and was told over 2 weeks. Called to say we needed one sooner as he's having crises almost daily. Told to just submit another appointment request online. Got another appointment only to be told they'd already referred to the community mental health team and I was told to call CMHT to chase them. Called CMHT and they said no referral had come through, so I need to speak to GP. Requested another appointment yesterday but have heard nothing. Everything has to be done via this bloody e-consult system which is clearly geared towards physical illnesses and is awful for mental illness or anything that is an ongoing issue. The form takes ages to fill in and asks millions of questions every time. Why is everything always such a palaver?

I'm worried about my husband getting worse and find it hard dealing with the emotional outbursts and trying to talk him down when he's saying he doesn't want to be here, although I know he can't help it. I just want some help for him and also for me. No help from family either side and not viable to ask for help for various reasons. My family don't even know about it as I don't want to break my husband's trust. He doesn't talk to his family so I'm the only support. It's just me and I have nobody to talk to. I feel sick every day at the thought of it getting worse and I'm always on the lookout for things that might trigger a crisis.

On top of this work is stressful, my hours have been increased, all the managers have been sacked because they apparently weren't needed but all that's happened is the managerial duties have been split between non-managers with no appropriate training.

My heart constantly feels like it's racing at 100mph and I'm waking up about 10 times a night so always feeling knackered.

Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get through difficult periods like this?

So so sorry you're going through this, you seem so strong.

I have limited experience as I've only been the person who has the mental health crisis, not the person helping. However I do know that if it gets to the point where he is experiencing the crisis situation, you need to take him to a&e or call 999. I know it seems drastic but our health service now only gives help to those considered most at need, so you may need to push it this far if it comes down to it. From there he will be bumped up the list so to speak to get help.

Sending all the love to you here.

 

[Rxt156]

yeah I rang the insurance company this morning and am just gonna let them deal with it. I’d rather have it on record than pay the money directly to the garage incase he does try to take me for a ride if it does turn out I’ve hit him. To be honest, I’m just worried about getting points for this so called “hit and run” which wasn’t the case.

The police shouldn’t be giving out your details. Definite complaint right there. Not sure why they’re all so invested. They usually don’t bother with small things like this at all. They don’t even go out to actual car crashes sometimes so not sure why this effort.
Keep us informed pls good luck. I hope it all works for you.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thanks, it will mostly be things like candles, keyrings, crochet etc so easy enough things that can be made quickly enough

Am just unsure if you can only put up say 10 of something or a site like etsy expects you to have 100 of something before selling

You can list as many or as little as you like. I run a supply shop on there.

The fees are quite high but I make a reasonable income from it with no effort on mypart.

 

[Hastaggifted]

So I need to get my hair done. Messaged the girl who has done my hair the past couple of times who I really like and she took ages to respond so in meantime booked elsewhere.. now she has responded.
Do I still with current one or go to new one?

If there's enough time to cancel I'd go with the girl you know and like.
I didn't and went to a new one and she cut my hair to a chin length Bob. when I asked for a trim. I looked like Edna from the incredible for weeks until it grew back 🥲

 

[Lalla]

when it happened to you what would you have done if someone did reach out and ask if you were okay? Would you have appreciated it or do you think you would have denied it? There’s so much weird shame mixed up in being a victim of DA.

I wouldn't have denied it, quite the opposite. The whole time it went on I felt I was in a weird parallel universe where everyone seemed to think how he treated me was acceptable. I reported him multiple times to the police and they wouldn't even make him leave the house for a night. He used to laugh in my face and say I've done nothing wrong, all your friends/ the police think you're a drama queen. In the end after 8 years a work colleague I didn't know that well (who heard him screaming on the phone to me) said that his behaviour was disgusting, and that made such a difference. Apologies for the me-rail, I don't think about it much anymore (it was 15 years ago now) but when I do, I realise how much resentment I still have about it all.

For my friend, I agree, I'll ask our mutuals to keep an eye on her if they can (they only see her sporadically as it is, but maybe they can invite her to more things and see if she turns up), I guess for now we have to play it by ear - it may have been something sinister, it might well not be. She has still got parents/ family around but tbh they're not much use and she's probably even less likely to discuss it with them than with us.

 

[petitspois]

Year 2 SATS. How important are they for the child really?
We've booked a family holiday in May during school time (cheaper by half and didn't know when the sats were) the 2nd week is SATS week .

My son didn't do them as the schools were shut due to covid so they can't be that important, right? ()

And surely 7 year olds doing sats is just so the school can tick boxes as to what they can achieve and what they have taught them.

Our first holiday in 10 years and of course we chose that week

Don't come for me about a term time holiday, they all have 100% attendance, for now anyway

They’re teachers tests and have no affect on the children. They are to check the children are all within acceptable percentiles. They don’t go to secondary school for 5 years so it has no impact on that.