The advice thread for random problems #2

[Snippysnips]

It's probably too late now but always take a note of the date an time you phone anyone, these calls are all recorded, an honestly knowing when I've phoned a company has saved me from them telling me stuff that I apparently told them or agreed to, because once I ask for them to get the call looked so we can check it's suddenly "disappeared" an then they have to agree that I didn't agree to things or tell them certain things because they don't have proof (or more like they have listened an released they are wrong)

 

[littlepup]

I’ve done it before, and lived to tell the tale. Not sure it’s what Food Safety Standard websites recommend but I do it on the regular

To add, food safety wise. Bacteria will form/live between 8-65 ish degrees c. OP, if you chill/freeze it now to stop bacteria forming then reheat to over 70c for 2 mins when reheating any bacteria will be killed. General principle for all foods.

 

[littlepup]

Thanks, I think it's being dispatched by Amazon themselves, hopefully it will be fine but at least if not I know it should be a easy enough refund to do

It’s mega easy. I do it monthly (order a lot for business)
I returned 9 items yesterday and Royal mail picked them up from my porch for free! They also do locker returns where you can select a local place with Amazon lockers, they give you a code and you take it and put it in for them to collect. Or regular Evri drop off (various shops) or Royal Mail Mail Drop off where you have the option to print a label and attach it or get a QR code sent that they scan at the post office so you don’t even need a printer.
I often get the refund notification as soon as it’s gone from the post office.
I know Amazon is the enemy being a tax dodging giant but their customer service is second to none.
I’ve been refunded small items without having to return, sent a new free 12 boxes of kleenex because I was only sent 11, had the return deadline extended because I missed it etc, (never had an issue when it’s dispatched from Amazon)

 

[littlepup]

Thanks for the comments.
It’s a hall party for a 3 year old with bouncy castle & soft play. They’re not in nursery so don’t have ‘friends’ beyond family and friends children but there are plenty of a similar age. The idea is not to invite children over around 6 because they’ll take over the activities and be too boisterous for the little ones (going by last year). I think that’s understandable, or at least not unacceptable.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Thank you lovely but it’s for a relative not me. They themselves originally didn’t want to appeal after they got their original decision letter but I wouldn’t let it drop because I know how ill they actually are. Their PIP form was also filled in by a GP. I feel sorry for those who really do not have the support.

I think people can fall thought the cracks.

I think I've fallen through every crack along the way. Then they don't believe you need help because you coped for so long without it.

 

[Snippysnips]

This is really random but I need anonymous help! Today I was trying to get my son’s attention at his grandparents and I snapped my fingers at him. My mother went BAT CRAP CRAZY. Told me never to do that in her house again. Look I’m autistic and have ADHD but surely I haven’t missed some massive social thing here? I never snap my fingers at a waiter or similar- I know that’s rude. But I was just making a noise for attention, because he wasn’t listening to his name being called. I can’t stop thinking about it and trying to work out what I did wrong. I work with kids and do this to get their attention also if repeating their name is ineffective so I’m really nervous now I’ve been making a huge social mistake.

Totally normal in my opinion to snap fingers at kids to get their attention, I've had my parents do it, teachers, babysitters etc an never seen anything wrong with it, sometimes kids need that sound so they will turn an look, I would understand it being rude if it was done at an adult but never a kid, kids turn an look at noise and snapping fingers is fine or even clapping hands which I'll do because I can't snap

 

[Snippysnips]

Looking for a wee bit of advice on overwhelming friends 🫣 as much as I appreciate a friend who is able to keep in touch as grown up life is hard to make time for friends but this is none stop! Texts begin around 5.30am and continue all day, not so much as a conversation but random statements, updates about people ave never met. Ive asked before for a bit of space and I would text when im ok but she took that I had posted an Instagram story to mean text me again on every platform she could! One day i didn't reply for a day and a half and I had 9 messages in that time, always needs to know what im doing and I find it overwhelming but don't want to hurt feelings and obviously has ignored me when ive asked for space! Any ideas how to deal with this

Tbh I think I would be ditching them, who even has the time to txt that much, I couldn't stay friends with someone like that because I'd end up getting pissed off to the point I'd end up in a arguement with them an that would be the end of it

Its better just to be up front an honest about it, either say that it needs to stop (I know you done before) or you are done with them, give them that decision to make, I know that you don't want hurt feelings but it's either going to be hurt feelings to deal with the now an getting over it, or you are going to reach that breaking point where it's all built up an it will unleash as a lot worse than a few harsh words about telling them to stop

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Thank you all so much I’ve been really wound up and tearful all night trying to work out the error. I’ll be more conscious not to do it around her as it obviously triggered something though

 

[BettyCrockerr]

You are clearly not better and your GPs abuse of duty of care sounds awful.

I cannot critique anyone for doubting as we are all entitled to our own feelings.

You have the right to help and you are being failed, if what you say is true.

I did a quick Google of Llanelli and please see screen shots attach. Not preaching and you said you had mentioned MIND though I say contact again, I believed they were open to help all and non judgemental so please try again.

One of the services say for domestic abuse support, though if that is not a cause /effect of your condition, why not reach out and tell them about the reality of your situation. It will not improve unless you get support.

Can you not set up a new email? I have more than one across outlook and Gmail.

Re utilities, if your situation progressed, there is a multi service provider, UK based who are good. Utility warehouse. They offer, unsure if you need electric and or gas (they do if electric only) unlimited SIM £18 month. They can do quote on line.

I do not know what else to do, though empathise as since July 2020 my life turned upside down though making tracks to recovery. It is going to be a long hard winter and it is harder for those of us who are vulnerable.

It is hard to believe how badly you are being treated by those responsible for our welfare, though hope you find the strength to reach out as you need support, and hopefully the next person will listen.

We all have the right to ask for help. Being isolated can make the voices in our head tell us that we are not worth it but you need to push for you.

Sending best wishes. I really do not know what else to suggest.

Hope it is ok to post the following info Mods, just concerned for our fellow tattler.

I wish you the best.

View attachment 1654737View attachment 1654738View attachment 1654739View attachment 1654744

I question how the OP is financing their lifestyle if they apparently have no job, no family, no income in the form of any benefits etc - where are they getting money for food/bills/the mobile phone or device they are using to access tattle?!!

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Hi does anyone have any advice please?

My son is currently about to start his gcse's and has chosen music to do in college after he finishes them, my issue is I feel this is a waste of time as he's not guaranteed a job out of it imo I feel really mean in saying so and don't want to hurt his feelings as this is what he wants, he's also not that into music and I feel he's just chosen it as an easy route

Do I just leave him to it hoping he changes his mind or say something? I thought parenting got easier when they got older but seems this is wayyyy more stressful haha

I work in education and my two cents is: it’s better he gets top grades in a creative subject he loves than a bottom grade in an academic subject he hated. Good grades in anything look good. Bad grades are bad, even if they’re in “traditional” subjects. Unless they’re set on a doctor and studying graphic design, let them live a little. You’re doing fab, don’t let old ideals direct you

 

[JoeBloggs]

She won’t pay you back unless you take further action. If she intended to she would have done it there and then. You’re going to have to make her transfer the money while she’s with you. Don’t feel bad, she’s the schemer here and she’s used you.

I wasn't with her in person, as I cannot pin her down.

If she hasn't sent me the money in the new few weeks either I will pursue or make a complaint.

 

[Tommyb]

That’s what I mean I’m a bit torn and feel bad. I have only said no to school days, just to add she stays every weekend. There isn’t really an agreed arrangement in place with them.

I think the compromise is perhaps he needs to do more if she stays. So he needs to take on the care for her so your routine is not disturbed. I think she should be allowed to stay tho .. she must feel so left out. Hope you can come to a compromise.

 

[barmcake]

Ahhh I totally misunderstood. I thought the wife was the wife of your other brother.
Glad it's sorted.

People do many odd things maybe thinking that would cheer them up in the same situation. but at least they are not avoiding you, many will do that as they don't know what to do or say.

I would have read it the same. Just had an Antique Dealer at the door. I just don't know how they find out about these things. I have so much to do that my mind is taken off things. There's a Mike Lee film called 'Secrets and Lies' - could be my family.

 

[littlepup]

Sadly I don't actually know anyone to give/sell them to. I asked her for a plan before so at lease I could do something on the days she cancelled and she never did it!

She sounds awful. I’d want to put in an anonymous complaint, demand my money back and change gyms but I appreciate its not that easy.

 

[Deeznutslol]

I have a friend who I’ve known since school. A few years ago she seemed happily in a relationship and was engaged to be married to a guy. Next thing you know it’s over - she ended it because she had feelings for a colleague. It’s since come out that the guy she was engaged to was controlling and abusive. In contrast this other guy seemed kinder, supportive and not controlling. But he also has a wife and children. From day 1 he’s insisted to my friend that there’s nothing between him and his wife, that they don’t love each other and they’re only staying together because financially it’s easier. When the workplace found out about this affair, my friend was punished and nothing happened to the guy. He insists his wife knows he’s seeing my friend.

This “relationship” has gone on for years now. None of the friendship group condone it or think this dude is a good guy. I think at first he probably seemed nice and supportive but I’ve seen him be really awful and negative to her. We also don’t believe things are over between him and his wife or that she knows this is going on. I try to not be judgy with my friend or say things they would push her away, because my gut feel is that this guy is worse than her ex and controlling in more of a subtle/ subversive way. I think he’d love nothing more for her to have no one but him.

It’s getting really hard to keep being there for support though, they have argued regularly for the last 2 years. My friend wants to settle down with him, have kids etc. And he keeps skirting around it and saying he can’t leave his wife due to money. Questioning why his kids aren’t good enough. My friend knows none of us like him, we think he’s a liar and his wife doesn’t know. It’s hard watching him chip away at her and keep reeling her back in and having his cake and eating it while me and another friend pick up the pieces every other week and try all sorts to convince her to leave him. I found his wife’s socials and it’s getting really hard to not message and say “hey, this is going on- do you actually know about it?” But I don’t want the drama or backlash from it. I just want my friend back, far away from him and to find someone who isn’t a total piece of shit.

I personally wouldn’t message the wife tbh, because at that point it’s guaranteed to blow up in your face and tbh this guy sounds like a master manipulator so I have no doubt that he will probably be able to convince both his wife and your mate that you are just some lying jealous hater who is trying to ruin things.
I had a similar situation with a good friend a few years ago (it wasn’t as bad as your situation, the guy she was seeing didn’t have a wife but he was a fucking bellend who had zero respect for her) and I agree, it does get so jarring hearing your friend constantly making excuses for him and convincing herself of shit like ‘oh he just has commitment issues’, ‘he just needs to get himself into the right head space and then he’ll finally commit to me’ - rather than just accepting the truth of the matter, which is that the guy is fucking trash.
If I were you I would get your other friends and try to just hold an intervention with this girl, it may be uncomfortable but sometimes people need to have people who genuinely care about them sit down and just give them a bit of a reality check.
If at that point she doesn’t want to listen, I would honestly take a step back from it all until she comes to her senses. It sounds really harsh but I found that with my friend, I was sort of inadvertantly enabling her shitty relationship because every time I picked up the pieces, once I’d comforted her and she felt better, she’d just go straight back to him.
Once I stopped engaging with her and listening to complaints about his behaviour and immediately comforting her when she was angry or upset with him, she sort of came to her senses and realized that the relationship was not normal at all and finally broke it off altogether.
It’s a frustrating situation to have to go through with a friend tho, hope you’re doing ok!

 

[And_that's_okay!]

So, I have a question...
It's a mental health thing I think.

The way I process traumatic events has always been a bit odd (I suspect I'm neurodiverse).

I've had a really difficult year and don't get much time to myself. I'm finding that my mind drifts to events in the past that have been difficult at random times. I sort of live it for a bit and then am able to pull myself out of it.

I had quite a big issue with what I think were flashbacks when an ex partner died in 2020 but I understood why they were happening and was able to move past them.

The way I process things has always been a bit weird in that things build and then suddenly everything comes out at once.

The time a lot of my emotions seep out is driving to work. I think because it's the only time I have to myself to let it out.

I'm watching Cliff on bbc2 and it's brought up so many feelings about my childhood. The best way to describe it is like some sort of freeze frame shots, like they do when someone dies. Does that make sense? Like a movie but of static photos playing through my mind.

When I feel emotion, it's like I'm having to relive every single thing I've experienced that is vaguely connected again at the same time.

I'm having counselling, although it's early days but is there something I should be flagging to her? How do I approach all this stuff that my mind is doing?

Tell your Therapist what you want to share. When you're comfortable. When you've built good trust and rapport. There are no rules.

You've potentially seen these before but do have a read (if you are able to) because they'll explain what and why your brain is doing what it is. Oftentimes, an explanation gives us some clarity.

If you've got a decent therapist they can cure these symptoms. There is treatment available to help you overcome these symptoms.

You're not odd. Your symptoms are easily explained. Experienced worldwide and an understandable reaction to a traumatic event.

Good luck xxxx

 

[JoeBloggs]

Has anyone ever gotten from Amazon an sent it back if it's no good? How easy of a process is it? Am looking at something quite expensive, reviews are definitely mixed on if they will come without being mostly broken or if they will come totally fine, it says I have till end January to return them but since I've never returned anything I've gotten off Amazon before I don't know what it's like

Yes, and if you select accidental order or of not up to description it will be a free return too. The only time I have had an issue is when it is not dispatched by amazon and the seller is a bit of a pain but Amazon will always sort it for you.

 

[Snippysnips]

Not really a big dilemma, can talk to family & friends etc however am curious to hear complete outsider advice. Am I being unreasonable for saying my other half’s daughter can’t stay on a school night?Just a bit of background - I’ve just had a baby, he’s 10 weeks old and I have two other children (previous relationship)

Bit of a tricky one, I wouldn't think it fair to tell her no when it's not her fault her dad has gotten into a relationship when there's other kids there, is she disturbing the baby? Perhaps you can talk with her an let her know that so long as your schedule with the baby isn't disturbed then she's fine to stay, I'd understand if she was being loud an making noise but if she's being quiet then it would be a bit unfair if she wanted to be there with her dad

 

[Londonsays]

Do you use any plug-ins or scented candles etc? My son was allergic to anything like this. We didnt notice as it was mild until he got a cold etc and then it would affect his breathing more for a time.

All the time, most days I have a candle lit. I never thought of this. Thank you.

 

[tomato_paste]

Can anyone offer advice on smoking/vaping?
Husband and I were both smokers for over ten years. Five years ago we both went onto vapes, and then quit. Neither of us have had any nicotine products since our first child was born (that’s what made us both knock it on the head for good).
In the last six months however, my husband has secretly taken up vaping again. First time I found his vape completely innocently (was hanging up a coat and it fell out of the pocket) and I’m not going to lie I was shocked. It seems like such a bizarre decision to make after being a smoker for a decade and knowing how tough it was to quit. I confronted him and he said sorry, to do with stress, was disappointed in himself and it wouldn’t happen again.
I’ve since found another three, the most recent being this morning. Every time we have the same conversation - he’s disappointed in himself, doesn’t want to be addicted, will stop. Safe to say I do not believe him anymore.

I know it isn’t my place to stop someone from doing something, but at the same time we’re married. We share a home, we have a child already and I’m pregnant. Plus since all of this my dad developed (and survived, luckily) lung cancer. I don’t want this in our lives to be honest. And what hurts more is the lying. He clearly has no intentions of stopping it and he keeps hiding it from me.
He doesn’t know I’ve found the one this morning (I didn’t stumble across this one, I looked for it in his coat pocket because I smelled it on him when he got home last night). How do I approach this conversation?

Full disclosure, I am an ex smoker that also recently quit vaping and its fucking hard.

I'd say separate it into two topics:

1. The lying. It is a massive breach of trust to lie to you again and again. He should be honest with you and take responsibility for his decision to vape again. So yeah, that stuff needs to be sorted out and he has to do the work to get to the root of why he's lying, and to make sure to earn your trust back. If you can find the time and afford it I would even say counselling.

2. The addiction. I would recommend Hubermans Lab's podcast about nicotine addiction for both of you because it is truly fucked up how much more addicting vaping is because of the dopamine hits it gives you. Patches and gums can help for the cravings but in the end it needs to be his decision to quit. Guilting him will not work.

So give him the information he needs but the decision to quit is his. How you decide to deal with it on the other hand is up to you. Can you accept him vaping, at least for now or is it a deal breaker? Do you need a plan or a timeframe from him? What's your goal in this conflict? You cannot choose for him, only for you mind.