The advice thread for random problems #2

[Slaybutter]

Was out today and hit a little bollard in the car. No damage done thankfully. But received a call this evening to say that I also hit a car. I did stop and take a look around me after I’d hit the bollard and didn’t see any damage done to the car next to it. But they’re claiming it’s on cctv footage and I’ve damaged their back bumper which is a bit strange seeing as I was literally parked next to their car and drove out of the space. Their car was facing the same way. No damage done to my car but this particular person is claiming that my paint is on their car but there’s not even as much as a scrape on mine?? Asked for photos and they won’t send! What do I do

If they don’t have any evidence that you caused the damage how can they expect you to pay? For all you know, the paint was already on their car and they saw you going into the bollard and thought they’d try and get you or your insurance to pay for it. Tell them you’re happy to take ownership of the damage if they can supply any proof.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Unlike my last post, this probably is an advice thing.

I now have Sunday night fear of work on a Saturday. I can't do this anymore. I used to (and still do) love my job but the responsibility of it, in the state I'm in mentally has become too much.

My employer (my immediate boss) is incredibly supportive and has already been wonderful (adhjusted hours etc) so I don't feel I can say I'm not coping.

Without saying what I do, there are deadlines that have very little wiggle room.

I'm also studying along side the job (but as part of the job) and I am contracted to go on residentials. I don't know if I could be on sick leave and still go on them.

I just want to hide under a duvet and make it all stop.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

It’s the gear mainly. Tried automatic, didn’t like it.



That’s reassuring, thank you.

I haven’t thought about a week long intensive course but I will look into it.

Do automatic. It's easier and if the gear is what's keeping you failing then you need to think of all the money you are wasting because you don't want to drive an automatic

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I can no longer get in car/taxi due to deterioration in my (rare, hence not naming it) condition from loss of medical/social care and treatment due to covid restrictions. Still wearing same clothes from then, no wash in years. I can’t get to appointments (except via private ambulance which I cannot afford as nhs transport here is virtually impossible to get with medical support and I’ve none), shopping from corner shop, meds from pharmacy next door to shop. On days I’m too ill to do that I go without/eat from hoard.

I wrote to that address months ago, sorry should have said!

There’s no delivery here for food, for meds it’s strictly for those 24/7 housebound and end of life care only.

None of this is making sense. What medical condition do you have? Just name it - I don’t understand why you wouldn’t?
if you are unwell to the point you haven’t washed in 2 years you need serious help. Why haven’t you washed?! I can’t see any Doctor knowing all of the above would just turn you away and refuse to help you. There’s more to this.

 

[Gymhoned]

Just looking for a bit of perspective… Had an argument with the other half last night (one of a few) because I didn’t like what he was doing and he refuses to stop and says there’s nothing wrong with it. So basically, he will sit on the couch with his balls and other parts hanging out his shorts and be playing with them (not just readjusting, literally stroking and pulling on them). It really winds me up as I find it quite disrespectful and needless, especially when I am eating my tea. He says it’s normal and what every man does, yet agrees he wouldn’t be doing it in front of anyone else or at work etc. Would anyone else find this gross and a bit disrespectful, especially when you have asked them to stop, or am I just being uptight? It really gives me the ick.

Im sorry but this is dreadful. Please leave this guy. Unless he is absolutely wonderful in all other aspects, which i highly doubt this is really horrible. Its disgusting. And especiallly as you have made it clear you dont like it. Absolute horror of a man.

 

[Sugarbee123]

My advice would be that you are going to have to bring it up with him and sadly, I think you'll have to talk to your friend about it too. You'll know by her reaction if it's true.

The marriage isn't doomed if you don't want it to be but he sounds like he's being quite inconsiderate. Even if what he told your brother was a lie due to the state he was in at the time, he must realise that him texting her is going to be problematic.

If you choose to work through it, some counselling might be helpful. What I would say though is that he needs to be as committed as you to working through things. It's probably going to be a difficult process and you need to be in it together.

Future wise, I'd say assess things regularly and be honest with yourself. You don't deserve to live in a constant state of worry and doubt and if it goes on long term it will eat away at you.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in. I hope things work out for you.

Edited to add. You could wait until Christmas is out of the way if that would make things easier. It just depends if you might boil over before then. It's a lot of pressure to put on yourself to keep quiet.

Thank you I really do appreciate it, you are right in what you say. Sometimes you just need to hear it from an outsider looking in! I think I’m going to talk with him tomorrow, I don’t want it hanging over me over Christmas. Thank you again

 

[Dogtanian]

Not a problem as such but hoping you all can help.
I need to write something formal indicating that I have ties to a place.
If I used the term ‘some’ so ‘I have been visiting for some 20 years’ would that imply 20+ years, nearly 20 years?
I don’t want to mislead but I don’t want to be specific. Thanks

How about :
I have been visiting for around 20 years?
I have been visiting for approx. 20 years?

 

[shadowcat5]

It’s not a problem per se but here goes.

I live in Dublin and traveled to London to work from here for a week. For the past year or so, I have been in a constant state of anxiety / panic sometimes for valid reasons, sometimes for no reason. I’ve also had weird bursts of paralyzing anxiety.

The few times I have not experienced anxiety this year were when traveling or away from home. This week in London, I had a lot of stress at work but zero anxiety. I felt like myself again. My OCD has been quasi non existent (when it’s super debilitating at home). It’s been so non existent that I forgot things in various places and didn’t care because I felt relaxed.

I’m now wondering if all the anxiety is driven by where I live and maybe a change of scenery will help me regain my mental health. This week was the first time I’ve felt like my old self in a long time. Carefree, no anxiety, no OCD.

I flying home tomorrow and I now have a pit in my stomach at the thought of my anxiety kicking in again. I’m now wondering if I should think of moving in a year’s time or so.

can relate to this. I moved 4 hours away by myself and felt a lot of the anxiety settle. For me it was because I was always afraid of running into people from my childhood like those I went to school with or old friends, old next door neighbours. Sounds ridiculous but I was bullied and I think the thought of running into those people again especially while I was dealing with an autism diagnosis and past trauma was causing anxiety as I didn’t feel strong enough to deal with it but I didn’t want to still seem weak

 

[rainbowlemon]

The thing is there isn't a set amount of trauma points you have to reach before you qualify. Trauma at the end of the day is still trauma and should not be minimised because someone else may seem to have it worse. The unresolved trauma could be the cause leading to other symptoms.

I would highly recommended the book: the body keeps the score for a introductory reading and EDMR therapy for the flashbacks. You need someone who is trained though and does not just have a superficial understanding of trauma as just going in talking about it straight off the bat can also be retraumatizing too.

I'm a huge fan of body work practitioners alongside traditional therapy.

Also the coming out of the body experience is called depersonalization.

 

[Grizzlybear]

Thank you @disillusionedbythegram that's reassuring,

I think its me stressing the most tbh as I said this is all new territory to me and as his mother I want him to know I'm supportive of whatever he chooses but yet I'm still worried and want the best for him in the future I think I need to just step back and let him do him as you all have very kindly stated.

I feel a lot more less stressed now after reading all your comments

Much appreciated & many thanks

My parents were like you but forced me into stuff I didn’t enjoy because jobs - twenty years later I’m up to my knees in debt (paid lots of it off) for school I don’t use, but finally thriving in a field I originally wanted to go into but was told was stupid. If he’s happy that’s the main thing!

 

[shadowcat5]

Thank you! Iam feeling uneasy and worried about her reaction tomorrow.. She seems convinced that I have behaved terribly and boyfriend coukd tell their Co workers on Monday. She does have a tendency to over react and I do walk on egg shells a lot so I should have just kept my mouth shut in hindsight.

Why should you have kept your mouth shut? You were asking about a smell in your own home. I personally think that was a normal dialogue? I could understand if it stunk of dog and her boyfriend was smelling of it normally but ordering food and asking about garlic is fine. She's a 23 year old women, not a teenager who has to go to school on monday worried her boyfriend will tell all her mates her mum is embarrassing.

if it helps at all, my mum has done far more embarrasing things than ask what a smell is. My mum once shouted at my friend for getting mud on the carpet (in her defence the carpet was brand new)

 

[littlepup]

I have a weird one for you guys. For the next few weeks, I'm based in the London office of the company I work for. I'm here with 2 of my other coworkers from home. There's this guy who's always making me feel uncomfortable. He constantly talks about Brexit, and how people are trying to sneak into the UK to find jobs. He even called me "one of them Europeans" and idk, it didn't sit right with me. I tried to brush it off, but he wouldn't stop. Then I asked him to stop and he called me a 'paddy' and told me I can't be that sensitive. I'm going back home to Dublin in 4 weeks and I can't wait to see the back of him!

Should I report him to HR? I can't say that's he's being racist as he's not really saying anything racist. I'm white & Irish and I never really considered myself to be a foreigner in the UK. It's a strange one.

Also, and this is more of a question that I'm just interested in hearing a British perspective on, do you consider Irish people to be foreigners in the UK? Or just people like you with a different accent?

It's xenophobic, prejudiced and bigoted. I would report him or if you don't feel you want to just yet, warn him if he does it again you'll report - him quite literally cut him off with an "i'll stop you there. If you EVER speak to me or about me in that way again I will report you to HR. Under law they are bound to protect me from your bigoted opinions with no detriment to me so just think about what that means for you". And then report him at the merest mention or if he protests or calls you anything negative for suggesting you might. And they are bound to protect you, if they don't they can be held responsible too and if you were made to feel so uncomfortable you resigned, you'd have a case for constructive dismissal. They definitely wont want that!!
I would try to recall dates and locations of any incidents and details of any witnesses so they realise you're serious.
The law on race discrimination: Race discrimination at work - Acas

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I also think this! I don't think the police would be making phone calls to an individual for a minor bump on private(?) land. At best the person who thought they'd been hit would get a crime reference number after dialling 101. How would the police have your number anyway? I'd have thought that a more serious "crime" would have to be investigated for them to get hold of it.

Going back 10 years so pre GDPR. A lady reversed in to me at a retail park and drove off. I was sat stationary in the car so scribbled down her plate and went to to police station. They found her number (insurance details I assume) and contacted her to pass on my details in the hope of creating some dialogue. They at no point gave me her number and I asked them to share mine. I think you could definitely complain about the station passing on your data without consent.
Course of action depends about how stressful you want to make it for yourself. My instinct is their car was already damaged and they're looking for a free fix. You could say you too have dash cam footage and then I think it may just fizzle out pretty quickly. Or just leave it in the hands of your insurer and not engage. If you're confident you didn't make contact with their car though make this perfectly clear to your insurer, hope you're ok.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I am also sorry to hear of the pain and challenges that you are experiencing.

As others have suggested, please do try to reach out to other services.

I have challenged a PIP appeal recently and I struggle to do on my own and am fairly isolated. A local charity referred me to welfare society, who come under the local council. Met a gentleman last Wednesday who spent time going over referral to tribunal. He will advocate for me if go to tribunal. Hope there is someone within your locality who can help.

Also, as mentioned previously, the DWP are going hardcore with refusals. There was a recent article, I will see if I can find it tomorrow, that states cases that go to tribunal, are being signed off with the same evidence that DWP had.

Sending you love, strength and positivity. It isn't fair but we do have the right to ask for help and hopefully we can all help you some. Sounds like the people/system are failing you.

Take care x

Thank you lovely but it’s for a relative not me. They themselves originally didn’t want to appeal after they got their original decision letter but I wouldn’t let it drop because I know how ill they actually are. Their PIP form was also filled in by a GP. I feel sorry for those who really do not have the support.

I think people can fall thought the cracks.

 

[Rxt156]

FYI I would put in a complaint with the police for giving out your telephone number.
They are absolutely not allowed to do that. That is a breach of GDPR and they should know better. What if this person was a stalker?!?!

I don’t believe the police did that actually

 

[Mamacita]

So. I hope this is a good place to put it.
I’m currently in therapy and I’ve spoken about my feelings through and through. And aware of my triggers and issues.

I met a lad through tinder and asked we can be friends because we got on so well, and our long term goals didn’t matcb

He’s got a girlfriend now, told me today and has said he’ll be moving in with half of the week in the future. and I KNOW I asked to be friends but can’t help but be gutted cause I did fancy him and had thoughts about kissing him.

And one of my issues is abandonment issues. And j was a bit short with him (it’s been an emotional week- met up with my dad who I haven’t been in contact with for 18 years!) so now I’m thinking I should tel him I want it? But I thinks is the case of want what i can’t have and it’s jealously too.

As you said your long term goals don't align so what's the point? You made your choice and he moved on, let it be.

 

[Tinker74]

Hi looking for some advice. We have a family holiday to center parks planned for next spring. I have recently divorced so will be in an apartment by myself. I was a recent add on as didn't want to go initially.
My brother and his wife and three sons under 12 will be in their own lodge.
My parents are sharing a lodge with my son who is 28. He adores his grandparents and wanted to stay with them.
All seems fine doesn't it... Well mybrother has started to bizarrely ignore some of my text messages.. He seems off. I don't message that often but when I have he has read but not replied.. Except to a birthday message. I asked my mum about it and apparently he is annoyed with me and my son that he has found out that my son is bringing his new girlfriend of 4 months on the center parcs holiday. They will have been together a year by the time of the holiday.
He apperently said he is furious and doesn't want to have to holiday with a stranger!
Iam shocked at this and haven't told my son as he is very sensitive and laid back and it will hurt him that his uncle thinks this. I mean is this strange? It's a bloody 5 day trip to center parcs! My son and his gf will not be in the same lodge as my brother.. They will be with my patents who are fine with it.. My son paid for his own lodge. And this girl is not a stranger she is important to my son and could become part of the family. She is a lovely quiet girl.
My brother has always been a bit strange.. He is very insular and introverted. He gave up work to be a full time dad years ago because he couldn't stand being around people lol. I think iam more hurt by his anger towards towards this and his ignoring my messages as iam recovering from a breakdown that I had following my marriage breakdown. I have basically been bed bound for 12 months and barely able to function. My family have not been supportive at all. My mum tried but just ended up annoyed at my selfishness as she saw it. My brother just ignored the whole thing. My grown kids helped me through. I cried ever day for 6 months. But iam finally feeling like getting back out there.

 

[JoeBloggs]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less.
Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

I'm sorry, I have been here still am a bit. My husband likes to sink a bottle or two of wine in a night and he does it alone as I do not really drink.

I got to the end of my teather and have made it clear to my husband what I expect of him and that if he cannot do that, it is over. I love him but I do not like drunk him. My husband had a very traumatic past and sadly its his way of coping. He is also depressed and sadly drinking makes it such a hard cycle to break.

You need to speak to him sober, make it clear to your family it is an issue regardless of their view. Sadly if he will not listen you cannot get someone to stop unless they want to. Will he speak to his doctor following his illness?

 

[Kim Mild]

A while ago on one of this threads I was asking for advice how to waterproof a coat. I ended up using Nikwax down waterproofer and today was the first time I'd worm that coat and been caught in a downpour. I am pleased with the results- it was well worth doing .

 

[Laughingforlife]

I probably wouldn't risk it then if they are going be completly stranded, unfortunately most companys will send in under age to try an see if staff keep up with rules, I know with my company they were always sending in under 18s to try an catch us out if we weren't asking as if we did serve a under 18 it wasn't just our jobs we would be losing it would be jail time we would be looking at as well an we wouldn't have any defense because the first thing they would have asked us was why didn't you ID them

It does suck when you do have mature 17yo's an they want a trip especially in this country when 16 is legal adult age but its all the idiots that have ruined it for others, I know now a ton of places don't even accept groups anymore because some stag an hen parties have ruined it

I know. It's the silly teens ruining it for the rest of them. You can ride a motorbike at 17, but can't stay in a hotel. I think statistically riding a motorbike is more dangerous than staying in a hotel? It makes no sense.