The advice thread for random problems #2

[And_that's_okay!]

Big of a long one I’m sorry!
so last year my husband and I had a really bad year I honestly didn’t think we’d make it. I who never suffered with mental health had to take a month off work due to my mental health my husband was my absolute rock then come to the end of the year he took a turn and completely went off the rails drinking/drugs etc we finally managed back on track and we have been great since that. But after he had his final blow out (last year) he told my brother that he has done everything with my best friend apart from sleep with her (this came out like two days after we decided we were going to make our marriage work as we didn’t want to lose each other), my brother told my mum then she told me, as you can imagine I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, I confronted him about it straight away, he said nothing has ever happened between them and it was a lie and he was just showing off although he admitted he did have a crush on her because he did confide in her a lot when he was going through his issues. I never ever asked my best friend if this was true because she’s married with two young children and I didn’t want to cause problems in their family and I’d really like to think she wouldn’t do that to me. But she is someone who likes the attention of other men. That was really hard for me to even begin to get over, but he swore blind nothing had happened even the thought of him having a crush on her I mean I know everybody has crushes but my best friend? Recently I’ve noticed he’s started messaging her a lot just banter nothing flirty or anything but it just seems to be happening a lot. And it’s just starting to consume my life again, I feel like when we’re all together I’m watching them both to see if I can pick up on anything. Do you think think this is something I need to bring up to him? I just don’t want to cause a huge argument before Christmas, I just really don’t know what to do.

I'd be waving goodbye to this idiot. Drink. Drugs. Lying. Flirting with your friends.

What a dick.

 

[chickhicks86]

There’s something fishy going on I think. You need to find out who gave them your number (highly unlikely it was police) I think someone’s having you on here! Don’t pay anything

I also think this! I don't think the police would be making phone calls to an individual for a minor bump on private(?) land. At best the person who thought they'd been hit would get a crime reference number after dialling 101. How would the police have your number anyway? I'd have thought that a more serious "crime" would have to be investigated for them to get hold of it.

 

[Crybaby Tania]

Hello everyone!

I wanted to make a thread about home security but I think I'm too new a member to do that so I've found this thread, I hope you all don't mind!

I'm a single mum, live with my three little ones in a nice area with lovely neighbours. However, this week a couple of nasty break ins have happened in the local area (one included them bringing a knife!) and it's really got me thinking about how safe I am.

My windows are composite triple glazed, my front door is composite, non snap locks & no glazing with a ring door bell and I'm fully insured.

However the problem is my back door is a very old wooden frame (that's falling to bits), wooden door, old mortice lock, with a large single glazed window and it's giving me the heebies.

Between that door and upstairs there are two more downstairs internal doors.

I'm just starting to worry all the time about what could happen..especially coming up to Xmas and darker nights. Has anyone got any ideas on how I can make myself feel a bit safer (on a budget!), I can't change the door (cost).

Welcome any ideas x x

Look on your local police website, they might give advice about making your home more secure.

Make it look likes a man lives there, leave some men's secondhand wellies/workbooks outside the back door. Peg a man's jumper on washing line.
Hang some windchimes inside the doors, or any downstairs windows so that there will be a racket made if they are opened during night. That may put snoopers off even trying to open them.
The dog sign suggestion is a good idea.
Keep a box of dog biscuits/tins of dog food in kitchen window, just to make snoopers think that a (large) dog lives in the house.

 

[Sunflower91]

I’ve been in my new job for just over 3 months now and to be honest I’ve struggled with the adjustment since week 2. I was at my last job for 5 years and this was sold to me as a bit more of a step up but generally doing really similar things. I have a niche skillet that brings in a lot of money and I thought the role would be challenging and doing really similar things. It’s a lovely place to work and I’m paid well but it’s the actual work I’m just really unhappy with and I don’t really know how to approach it.

-I spend a lot of my days in excel and PowerPoint doing really menial stuff. I’m not work-shy but I do feel like I’m completely wasted doing these kinds of things

-I find doing repetitive tasks really difficult- it’s the reason I loved my old job. I never had to do things the old and slow way - I had freedom to enhance things. Some of the excel tools I’d rather unalive than have to use because they’re so long winded and inefficient.

-Some of the work really goes against my ethics. There’s some analysis techniques you shouldn’t use with certain data. You might as well have an educated guess as it would be just as good as some of the things I’m being asked to do. I’ve tried to broach this but met with a fair bit of pushback. “It’s the way we’ve always done it” but then they do come back and say they’re willing to change.

I basically sit there moving shit around in PowerPoint and can’t help but think about my old day rate and how daft it is that I’m basically doing that for work I don’t want my name against because I feel 0 sense of achievement for selling snake oil. I feel like I’ve been mis sold a role a bit and the nature of the work is making me a bit snappy and disgruntled. It feels a bit early in the role to feel this unhappy.

 

[LaBlonde]

Exactly, this keeps coming up. She claims she doesn’t care about him and isn’t interested but obsesses over it. I wouldn’t even know if I was blocked or unblocked to they’re obviously checking 18 months later.
The advice is, over all of the posts, from everyone, a resounding block him yourself and get over it! He has a girlfriend, he’s a known cheat and he’s an arsehole, it’s been 18 months, move the fuck on.

this this this.

all these posts and still the tone and situation hasn’t changed?! from one blonde to another; girl, move on. he doesn’t sound worth any of this effort.

 

[shadowcat5]

Sketchers are apparently great. My Mum, MIL and SIL swear by them.

I realise my privilege by saying this is a problem but I’m going to go for it… we’re lucky enough to have a cleaner, we’ll call her Jane. Yesterday my 2yr old child walked into the bedroom and said “Jane tidied up bed” -it’d been made and sheets changed.
Child loves Jane, Jane counts them as a grandchild, they give Jane a kiss goodbye, she came to their bday party, always excited that Jane is coming and to show her things, Jane is family.
But I don’t want my child to think that a cleaner is ‘normal’. Child helps mummy with laundry, knows ‘tidy up’ etc. Also knows mummy works for “Dave” who is our friend and people have jobs but do I explain it’s Jane’s job while Mummy plays? Just generally don’t know how to address it? Any advice would be appreciated.

Not sure how old your child is but I don’t think it’s an issue cause they will eventually grow up to realise not everyone has cleaners. It’s a bit like kids who don’t have divorced parents don’t realise that other people only live with 1 parent/step parents etc until they get old enough to understand different life experiences and perspectives.

 

[scottishblue_]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less.
Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

 

[User_name_100]

Hi does anyone have any advice please?

My son is currently about to start his gcse's and has chosen music to do in college after he finishes them, my issue is I feel this is a waste of time as he's not guaranteed a job out of it imo I feel really mean in saying so and don't want to hurt his feelings as this is what he wants, he's also not that into music and I feel he's just chosen it as an easy route

Do I just leave him to it hoping he changes his mind or say something? I thought parenting got easier when they got older but seems this is wayyyy more stressful haha

I think in this time of his life I'd encourage him to do what he enjoys.

It really does depend on what he wants in the future but in my personal experience (and I know it's not in every industry) I've never had to explain my GCSE choices and employers haven't really bothered asking, ever. I see GCSEs as a stepping stone personally.

Are there any other subjects he wants to study or is he certain on music?

 

[Little Fluffy Clouds]

Thankyou for your replies. Our council is still closed due to covid and getting through is extremely difficult; CAB said they need proof of needs and there is no other Dr. I’m very rural, one dr one surgery. I was turned down for disability benefits as GP and social worker said I’m better. I can’t get through to dwp as can’t answer their security questions (I struggle with phones, something GP and CAB won’t accept). There’s no help with forms CAB just said go online, or get family/friends to do them as they’re hours away (I’m too ill to travel) and can only offer one session for two hours which isn’t enough. DWP aren’t going to give me benefits just on my say so and we’ve had high profile fraud cases here, CAB ‘helped’ with the claims both times so now very wary of being involved (two were working full time whilst claiming to be housebound, unable dress or function - all untrue).

Our SS don’t do complex needs my assessment with involved being told to choose either mental or physical health and the referred for ‘socialising’ Which I’ve no functioning for. Mind we’re useless telling me to go to their centre (hours away, upstairs and very expensive). They won’t help non members. I’ve less than £80 a week for everything I can’t be paying 10% of my income to them, even if bank would allow me to.

Anyway thankyou for all the advice, and, kindness.

You are clearly not better and your GPs abuse of duty of care sounds awful.

I cannot critique anyone for doubting as we are all entitled to our own feelings.

You have the right to help and you are being failed, if what you say is true.

I did a quick Google of Llanelli and please see screen shots attach. Not preaching and you said you had mentioned MIND though I say contact again, I believed they were open to help all and non judgemental so please try again.

One of the services say for domestic abuse support, though if that is not a cause /effect of your condition, why not reach out and tell them about the reality of your situation. It will not improve unless you get support.

Can you not set up a new email? I have more than one across outlook and Gmail.

Re utilities, if your situation progressed, there is a multi service provider, UK based who are good. Utility warehouse. They offer, unsure if you need electric and or gas (they do if electric only) unlimited SIM £18 month. They can do quote on line.

I do not know what else to do, though empathise as since July 2020 my life turned upside down though making tracks to recovery. It is going to be a long hard winter and it is harder for those of us who are vulnerable.

It is hard to believe how badly you are being treated by those responsible for our welfare, though hope you find the strength to reach out as you need support, and hopefully the next person will listen.

We all have the right to ask for help. Being isolated can make the voices in our head tell us that we are not worth it but you need to push for you.

Sending best wishes. I really do not know what else to suggest.

Hope it is ok to post the following info Mods, just concerned for our fellow tattler.

I wish you the best.

Thank you lovely but it’s for a relative not me. They themselves originally didn’t want to appeal after they got their original decision letter but I wouldn’t let it drop because I know how ill they actually are. Their PIP form was also filled in by a GP. I feel sorry for those who really do not have the support.

I think people can fall thought the cracks.

How wonderful of you to help and be aware. DWP ruthless and there are blaggers in every walk of life, however, it can be disastrous for those of us who need real and proper support. Yes, people definitely can fall through the cracks, sadly.

Good on the GP too.

 

[scottishblue_]

I’m sorry that you have to go through that. Have you ever sat him down to discuss how his drinking is making you feel and how it’s effecting your family life? You mentioned that he has recently become ill… Is there any possibility he could be depressed?

thank you. I’ve not sat him down recently but have had to have chats with him about his drinking a few times before and he slows down/stops for a while but always picks it back up again.

He could well be depressed but the illness is almost certainly due to drinking/poor diet but he doesn’t want to admit that’s the cause.

I'm sorry, I have been here still am a bit. My husband likes to sink a bottle or two of wine in a night and he does it alone as I do not really drink.

I got to the end of my teather and have made it clear to my husband what I expect of him and that if he cannot do that, it is over. I love him but I do not like drunk him. My husband had a very traumatic past and sadly its his way of coping. He is also depressed and sadly drinking makes it such a hard cycle to break.

You need to speak to him sober, make it clear to your family it is an issue regardless of their view. Sadly if he will not listen you cannot get someone to stop unless they want to. Will he speak to his doctor following his illness?

thank you for sharing that, I hope you’re okay, that must have been really tough for You.

you put it perfectly - I love him but I do not like drunk him. Nothing attractive about a slurring glassy eyed husband at 8pm on a Tuesday.

The dr frequently asks about his drinking as I’m sure it’s the reason he’s ill. I asked him if he tells the dr how much he drinks and he said “not the truth, no one tells the truth”. He just thinks everyone drinks loads and lies about it?

Ex-functioning alcoholic here. It’s a coping mechanism for something so behind the scenes, there’s something wrong. However you dress it up though, this lifestyle will hurt him badly and he needs help. Until he’s willing to accept that, you may as well talk to the bottle yourself. Speak to him with as much kindness as you can and say that you think he has a problem and you would like him to seek some help. You would like to support him in this. GP is good but he might prefer an anonymous support group miles away if he thinks people will know and judge him. If he refuses, give him some time to think on it. Ultimately though… I’m now you. I’m a mum, and I wouldn’t want to deal with me then, so if you have to issue the ultimatum you should, and stick to it. You’re not his mum too.

thank you for sharing too, I really appreciate it. I’m terrible for not wanting and argument or confrontation but I think it’s time to really have it out. I can’t keep being the only sober one past 3pm on a weekend. Or not making plans because I know he will be annoyed if I ask him not to drink because I’m out etc.

I keep convincing myself that it isn’t that bad and it’s not harming anyone but him but each time I tell a new person about his drinking they look shocked and tell me it’s not normal. I’ve definitely been burying my head in the sand.

Some great advice here. I don't have the experience from a partner to partner perspective, but my mother is a recovering, functioning alcoholic who hit some real lows before admitting she needed help. She realised AA was the best place for her and the group support has been life changing for her. She still has days where she misses drink, but reminds herself of how far she's come and she doesn't want to fall back into the rut she was in for a long time.
I really hope you can have a good heart to heart with your partner and help him make some positive changes

thank you. That’s fab about your mum and that it’s helped her so much. I think I’m going to speak to our gp as we are quite close and then speak to him and maybe suggest AA. I just can’t see how he doesn’t realise stopping has been a good thing for him even if he doesn’t think he feels “much better“.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Lol thanks! It was definitely the food not him ha ha.. I can't believe such a strong smell was from chicken strips! I honestly thought it must be kebabs ha ha.
I didn't greet him when he arrived.. Because daughter wants me upstairs out the way.. I did say hello to him earlier though then we were both in the kitchen.
Iam feeling a bit shit tbh.. Wondering if iam going to face her wrath tomorrow when he leaves.


Yes she said it was me asking what they had ordered and saying it smelt bad. She says this was rude and embarrassing and I should be ashamed of myself.

The fact she’s made you feel like this in your own home is a bit shit tbh! If I came downstairs and smelled garlic, I’d be like “ooh who had garlic?” It’s not like you tweeted it?!

 

[Mamacita]

It sounds silly but I don’t understand it. I think it probably has to do with the instructor though because his English was poor and I couldn’t understand a thing he was teaching me. I had 3 lessons then I stopped because I absolutely hated those lessons.

Maybe I should give auto a go with a different driving school.

There's not that much to understand about automatic tbh so just get a different instructor and try again. I passed in a manual but always hated changing gears and now only drive automatic, wouldn't change it. In the future all cars will be automatic anyway. You can pay so much more attention to the road as well as you're not thinking about gears.

And I always enjoy leaving the people in manual cars well behind me at the lights, change your gears losers, I'm off beep beep

 

[tomato_paste]

Yeah, I know it might work against me, but I honestly don’t know how I’ll be able to manage presenting this without getting sick. I get physically paralyzed at the idea.

I don’t even have any pictures of myself on a hike or walking because I’ve no friends or family to take pictures of me.

Then I'd say definitely talk to HR! And also your GP who might be able to write you a note or, in case they won't accomodate, may be able to help medically with something against the anxiety?

You're a solo hiker now, that's your thing, congrats - at least when it comes to your company. Nobody needs to know the reason, it's just something you like to do, going on treks by yourself.

As for the pics: just put some pics of landmarks and/or trees and tell the story of where you went. The more boring and unexciting the better. Doesn't even need to be completely true either.

You can add some nice stuff like "relying only on yourself on hikes gives your self confidence a boost" or something like that if asked for the why or if you need material. Helps avoid awkward questions and if you're so inclined you can say no to hiking invitations from other people too.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Guys the loneliness is real! I hardly see anyone and mostly it's just my company. It's making me sooo sad! Even my fro called friends when I ask to meet for brew don't bother to respond.

how can I start making new friends! It's getting me down so much

My friend set herself a challenge where she tried a new group every week for a year she made loads of friends (only about half a dozen have lasted) but she had so much fun and tried all sorts of random things, it boosted her confidence beyond belief, and she’s more happier making new friends when she meets new people now. Maybe a year is too long but perhaps trying some really random things (home made board games, anyone?) and see what happens

 

[JoeBloggs]

Yesterday, someone made a informal offer on my laptop for €50 then when submitting the formal offer, they submitted for €70 which was the original asking price.

I was under the impression they’d but it for €70. We were meant to meet this morning. I emailed them to confirm they were purchasing for €70 and they said no, they were buying for €50 per the informal offer.

I ended up cancelling the sale as I go by the formal offer on the website. They’ve since sent me 10 messages saying this is not on and how I was coercing then into giving me more money! They keep sending me messages saying I’ve wasted their time blah blah (as if mine wasn’t wasted).

I’ve had nothing but positive feedbacks on this platform and this person won’t shut up. I’ve apologized twice for the misunderstanding etc, but they won’t stop messaging me.

Honestly.

Block and report. They knew what they were doing.

I had a bloke turn up to buy a coffee machine for £50. Turned up and said would I take £45 because he came from the next town. I said no and he still tried to give me £45! The cheek of some people.

 

[Theninth]

I need an outside opinion on a family situation, it's with the in laws. Background information, I'm a stay at home, home educating mum of three little ones, my eldest is school age the other two are toddlers. I have no child care so my children are at home 24/7, I am not complaining about that it's the life I choose and love to have but it does mean that I have no time to do anything outside of looking after them. We are a family of five living in a small two bed house, with three children at home 24/7 it gets messy and cluttered and as fast as I can try to tidy up they make more mess behind me. Again not complaining, we are a happy home.
This is where I need advice because I don't know why this bugs me so much. My in laws are generally wonderful and we have a good relationship but everytime it is anyone birthday in their side of the family they tell us that they are coming to our house when they live in a huge house with plenty of room for entertaining but always want to come to ours. I wouldn't mind if they asked without fully expecting it or if it was just for mother and father in-laws birthdays but its my nephew, my brother in law, my husbands uncle and auntie who he doesnt see apart from on their birthdays. Then my mother in law puts in cake requests, im not a professional baker/cake decorator but on my nephews last birthday she asked me to make a cake and make it look like a scooter because thats what he's into at the moment. Then its the request for decorations to be put up, it's just a lot on top of my full time job of educating my little girl with two little toddlers running around destroying the place. The thing that gets me about the requests for my nephews birthday, his dad (my brother in law) does NOTHING for it he literally just turns up at my house, for his sons birthday not even a thank you no help with anything NOTHING, he could at least host it at his house which is 5 minutes from ours and ask for help with cooking etc, but no its left to me when I have three children of my own.
We have said no before to hosting one of their birthdays at ours because it was not long after I gave birth to my second little one, it was it difficult time becoming a mum of two with my then three year old at home struggling with the change and I had post natal depression so things were getting on top of me, anyway it caused serious tension they were not impressed and they let it be known. I know this isn't a big problem really and it's only a few days out of the year but I think I just don't like the way that its forced. I don't do it for my side of the family, my sister arranges my neices birthday parties, my step dad arranges my mums and we help him with what's needed we usually go to their house, even my children's birthday parties we usually hire a hall but for some reason they need to use our house
Anyway that is my rant over You are welcome to tell me that I'm being unreasonable, I just needed to get it off my chest because we just had a request in for the next party. If you made it to the end thank you, the ramblings of a crazy lady

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Just looking for a bit of perspective… Had an argument with the other half last night (one of a few) because I didn’t like what he was doing and he refuses to stop and says there’s nothing wrong with it. So basically, he will sit on the couch with his balls and other parts hanging out his shorts and be playing with them (not just readjusting, literally stroking and pulling on them). It really winds me up as I find it quite disrespectful and needless, especially when I am eating my tea. He says it’s normal and what every man does, yet agrees he wouldn’t be doing it in front of anyone else or at work etc. Would anyone else find this gross and a bit disrespectful, especially when you have asked them to stop, or am I just being uptight? It really gives me the ick.

It’s not normal, my husband wouldn’t dream of doing that. I’d honestly refuse to touch or talk to him until he apologised and stopped! It’s gross behaviour.

 

[Rxt156]

Looking for a wee bit of advice on overwhelming friends 🫣 as much as I appreciate a friend who is able to keep in touch as grown up life is hard to make time for friends but this is none stop! Texts begin around 5.30am and continue all day, not so much as a conversation but random statements, updates about people ave never met. Ive asked before for a bit of space and I would text when im ok but she took that I had posted an Instagram story to mean text me again on every platform she could! One day i didn't reply for a day and a half and I had 9 messages in that time, always needs to know what im doing and I find it overwhelming but don't want to hurt feelings and obviously has ignored me when ive asked for space! Any ideas how to deal with this

God that is my worst nightmare. More the chats or just leave them on ‘read’ without a reply. She will get the hint if you keep not replying. Think she needs to get a life personally lol

 

[becca7721]

I’ve been hearing scratching some nights in my ceiling, but only when my upstairs neighbours are out/asleep. I’ve a severe hoarding problem, and thanks to my selfish upstairs neighbours can’t even get rid of few things I did before (they’re filling the waste bins literally after theyre collected - there’s several in property and none of us can put stuff in them). I’m really struggling today, lot of tears and fears about hoarding and having lost benefits so no electric. I overheard someone saying it must be rats because of me being so filthy and lazy just now is that even possible? It’s sunny but very cold here and still wet from getting caught in storm yesterday. I’m stuck re benefits as Drs don’t believe I’m disabled (everything still telephone only here yet are having meetings saying I must be better as not being seen when I can’t). They’ve already told the dwp I’m better. No one will help as everyone’s assuming I’m a fraud when I’m not. The thing re scratching is they make such a massive racket and jump on/off furniture/trampoline so much the ceiling is bowing and I know there’s no sound proofing and the space is tiny. The neighbours are VERY scary and aggressive so I now barricade myself inside; I can’t talk to them, contacting landlord makes abuse worse (they’ve made fun of my disability).

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Hi does anyone have any advice please?

My son is currently about to start his gcse's and has chosen music to do in college after he finishes them, my issue is I feel this is a waste of time as he's not guaranteed a job out of it imo I feel really mean in saying so and don't want to hurt his feelings as this is what he wants, he's also not that into music and I feel he's just chosen it as an easy route

Do I just leave him to it hoping he changes his mind or say something? I thought parenting got easier when they got older but seems this is wayyyy more stressful haha

Hello! Advice from a teacher who also married someone who did music at college, he doesn’t do anything musical related now but he did enjoy his time at college and got 3 distinctions (which obviously looks good on a CV). At this point if your son isn’t set on a particular career, it’s more important that he enjoys what he’s doing so he stays in education until he’s 18. If he’s encouraged to do a subject he doesn’t want to do he won’t have the motivation to stay, and bad attendance always has a negative impact in achievement.