The advice thread for random problems #2

[Purrrrrrr]

Just looking for a bit of perspective… Had an argument with the other half last night (one of a few) because I didn’t like what he was doing and he refuses to stop and says there’s nothing wrong with it. So basically, he will sit on the couch with his balls and other parts hanging out his shorts and be playing with them (not just readjusting, literally stroking and pulling on them). It really winds me up as I find it quite disrespectful and needless, especially when I am eating my tea. He says it’s normal and what every man does, yet agrees he wouldn’t be doing it in front of anyone else or at work etc. Would anyone else find this gross and a bit disrespectful, especially when you have asked them to stop, or am I just being uptight? It really gives me the ick.

I am in my 60s and have never known a man to just keep doing this in front of me maybe a couple of times for a giggle but otherwise nope
This is something an exhibitionist would do IMO

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Ah you sweetheart thank you. This is such a gorgeous gesture. I’m absolutely fine until met with any kindness and then bam, devastation hits. I can’t cope with how lovely people are.

mum has been on life support in intensive care for the last ten days. Fully sedated, multi organ failure. We are being prepared for the worst but how can you really prepare?!

she was 70 this year, drove herself to doctor two weeks ago, packed her hospital bag with lipstick, iPad and her fav little chocolate bars. I cannot stress how unexpected this is. But the one comfort is she’s spared all of this. She’s dreaming while we are going insane

My family will keep you and your mum in our prayers (I hope you’re okay with me saying that, lots of people aren’t), and to send you strength

 

[zoominmoom]

Part rant, part looking for advice.

Everything is so hard lately. I'm naturally quite a neurotic person and find stuff like this hard to deal with.

My husband has had mental health issues for a while (we think CPTSD-based but not sure - still no diagnosis). It's been getting worse and we've been back and forth with the GP with medication that does nothing. Over the past couple of weeks he's been telling me he can't cope, doesn't want to be here anymore. I make medical appointments for him for various reasons which I won't go into. Tried to get an appointment and was told over 2 weeks. Called to say we needed one sooner as he's having crises almost daily. Told to just submit another appointment request online. Got another appointment only to be told they'd already referred to the community mental health team and I was told to call CMHT to chase them. Called CMHT and they said no referral had come through, so I need to speak to GP. Requested another appointment yesterday but have heard nothing. Everything has to be done via this bloody e-consult system which is clearly geared towards physical illnesses and is awful for mental illness or anything that is an ongoing issue. The form takes ages to fill in and asks millions of questions every time. Why is everything always such a palaver?

I'm worried about my husband getting worse and find it hard dealing with the emotional outbursts and trying to talk him down when he's saying he doesn't want to be here, although I know he can't help it. I just want some help for him and also for me. No help from family either side and not viable to ask for help for various reasons. My family don't even know about it as I don't want to break my husband's trust. He doesn't talk to his family so I'm the only support. It's just me and I have nobody to talk to. I feel sick every day at the thought of it getting worse and I'm always on the lookout for things that might trigger a crisis.

On top of this work is stressful, my hours have been increased, all the managers have been sacked because they apparently weren't needed but all that's happened is the managerial duties have been split between non-managers with no appropriate training.

My heart constantly feels like it's racing at 100mph and I'm waking up about 10 times a night so always feeling knackered.

Has anyone been through anything similar? How do you get through difficult periods like this?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Big of a long one I’m sorry!
so last year my husband and I had a really bad year I honestly didn’t think we’d make it. I who never suffered with mental health had to take a month off work due to my mental health my husband was my absolute rock then come to the end of the year he took a turn and completely went off the rails drinking/drugs etc we finally managed back on track and we have been great since that. But after he had his final blow out (last year) he told my brother that he has done everything with my best friend apart from sleep with her (this came out like two days after we decided we were going to make our marriage work as we didn’t want to lose each other), my brother told my mum then she told me, as you can imagine I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, I confronted him about it straight away, he said nothing has ever happened between them and it was a lie and he was just showing off although he admitted he did have a crush on her because he did confide in her a lot when he was going through his issues. I never ever asked my best friend if this was true because she’s married with two young children and I didn’t want to cause problems in their family and I’d really like to think she wouldn’t do that to me. But she is someone who likes the attention of other men. That was really hard for me to even begin to get over, but he swore blind nothing had happened even the thought of him having a crush on her I mean I know everybody has crushes but my best friend? Recently I’ve noticed he’s started messaging her a lot just banter nothing flirty or anything but it just seems to be happening a lot. And it’s just starting to consume my life again, I feel like when we’re all together I’m watching them both to see if I can pick up on anything. Do you think think this is something I need to bring up to him? I just don’t want to cause a huge argument before Christmas, I just really don’t know what to do.

My advice would be that you are going to have to bring it up with him and sadly, I think you'll have to talk to your friend about it too. You'll know by her reaction if it's true.

The marriage isn't doomed if you don't want it to be but he sounds like he's being quite inconsiderate. Even if what he told your brother was a lie due to the state he was in at the time, he must realise that him texting her is going to be problematic.

If you choose to work through it, some counselling might be helpful. What I would say though is that he needs to be as committed as you to working through things. It's probably going to be a difficult process and you need to be in it together.

Future wise, I'd say assess things regularly and be honest with yourself. You don't deserve to live in a constant state of worry and doubt and if it goes on long term it will eat away at you.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in. I hope things work out for you.

Edited to add. You could wait until Christmas is out of the way if that would make things easier. It just depends if you might boil over before then. It's a lot of pressure to put on yourself to keep quiet.

 

[littlepup]

Can I wear this to a funeral? Or is the flowers too much. It’s the only blackish dress I have
View attachment 2067684

With a black cardigan/jacket, perhaps tights and flats/long boots to tone it down I’d say so.
Bare arms, legs and heels I’d say it’s possibly a bit flashy.

But I would say don’t wear a dress you love to a funeral if it’s someone close because you’ll always think of it when you wear it again.
H&M has got a wear it all the time ‘rib knit dress’ code 1130015001 for £19.99 or this for £15.

 

[Jerry Garcia]

Just the one closest in age


I haven’t seen protein choc bars. Plenty flapjacks and brownies etc. actually now I think of it don’t they do a Mars protein bar? Im not sure if it’s genuinely worth out though based on the price and the amount of protein

You're right there, they do indeed do a Mars Bar protein bar. For the chocolate lovers amongst us I must caution you - I tried one and it tastes like the contents of a hoover bag

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I don’t know if anyone has been through something similar …

A few days ago, I received an offer for an internal role in a different department. My manager is not aware and HR told me not to tell him until I get certain forms. I was due to get them by today COB to “resign” tomorrow but I did not receive them.

On the same day I got my offer, literally two hours later, my manager asked me to be part of an interview panel for a set of interviews to replace someone else in the team. I accepted thinking I’d have resigned by the time the interviews came around.

Fast forward, I have not received my documentation and thus cannot resign yet. I’m worried the HR contact in charge of the replacement role will tell the HR contact handling my move (tell them I’m interviewing people) and that I’m in a sort of conflict of interest. I’m worried this may be the reason why I haven’t received my documentation.

I absolutely hate my current team and hate they put me in this position when they’ve refuse to give me any leadership title and took my promotion away from me to give it to a male yet want me on an interview panel for gender diversity purposes.

The new role would be an upwards move and I’m worried they’re going to mess this up for me by getting me involved in a process I shouldn’t be involved if I’m moving.

The interview was scheduled yesterday for tomorrow and I thought I’d be able to resign today but it didn’t happen since the docs are still pending. I don’t know what to do

I've read this three times just to make sure I'm understanding it. I don't think you're in any sort of conflict of interest. You could be on the interview panel and still move to your new position.

I can understand why you are stressed. I get a bit jumpy too when there are delays on things. I think it would be sensible to contact them first thing on Monday if you haven't received them. In the meantime try and enjoy your weekend (I'm making the assumption you work Mon to Fri, sorry if that's wrong). It sounds like your situation will work out well.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Just looking for a bit of perspective… Had an argument with the other half last night (one of a few) because I didn’t like what he was doing and he refuses to stop and says there’s nothing wrong with it. So basically, he will sit on the couch with his balls and other parts hanging out his shorts and be playing with them (not just readjusting, literally stroking and pulling on them). It really winds me up as I find it quite disrespectful and needless, especially when I am eating my tea. He says it’s normal and what every man does, yet agrees he wouldn’t be doing it in front of anyone else or at work etc. Would anyone else find this gross and a bit disrespectful, especially when you have asked them to stop, or am I just being uptight? It really gives me the ick.

I'll be honest if he;s not listening to you and you are getting the ick it might be time to part ways. I wouldn't mind so much but if it's all the time and whilst I'm trying to have my dinner then I'd be getting pissed off as well.

I suggest you sit him down and tell him how it's pissing you off and if he doesn't start respecting you then you want him to leave. Things like sexual acts can be very divisive and one doesn't have to like everything your partner does but there must be a level of respect about it

 

[littlepup]

Not a problem as such but we are having a bbq (weather permitting) can anyone give me some other party food ideas mini pizzas etc

Depends on your guests age and tastes. Not suggesting you’d serve all these things, just ideas to pick from.

If it’s more adults I’d go more accompaniments for the bbq food than different types of food so something like French sticks, garlic bread, pitta bread, pasta (or rice/couscous) salad, potato salad, tzatziki, hummus, chopped salad with feta, boiled eggs, tomato & red onion & mozarella salad, coleslaw. Slices of halloumi, veg kebabs or corn on the cob on the bbq.

If there are younger ones, veg sticks, oven chips, scotch eggs, nachos/crisps/pretzels, pasta mayo salad, quiche, garlic bread. In my experience they eat tons of hotdogs and burgers though.

for something sweet a big tub of Neapolitan with cones, sauces & sprinkles for diy ice creams, marshmallows when the bbq is nearly dead, cupcakes, fruit kebabs (melon, strawberry, grape, tin pineapple stacked on sticks) or as a salad. You can put whole bananas in skin on a bbq, after 10 mins cut open lengthways and wedge in cut up mars/snickers/bounty for another few mins and serve with ice cream.

 

[littlepup]

I just can’t see how he doesn’t realise stopping has been a good thing for him even if he doesn’t think he feels “much better“.

I’m not an expert so could be completely wrong but… I would think the reason he doesn’t feel much better is because the thing causing him to drink is still there if he drinks or not. If, in his mind, he’s blocking something or finding release by drinking, without it I can imagine he might even feel worse.

Even if he wasn’t drinking, the way you’ve explained he has dropped out of your life together isn’t really acceptable. I definitely think you need to address the problems and I hope the family realise this and support you too.

 

[shadowcat5]

So. I hope this is a good place to put it.
I’m currently in therapy and I’ve spoken about my feelings through and through. And aware of my triggers and issues.

I met a lad through tinder and asked we can be friends because we got on so well, and our long term goals didn’t matcb

He’s got a girlfriend now, told me today and has said he’ll be moving in with half of the week in the future. and I KNOW I asked to be friends but can’t help but be gutted cause I did fancy him and had thoughts about kissing him.

And one of my issues is abandonment issues. And j was a bit short with him (it’s been an emotional week- met up with my dad who I haven’t been in contact with for 18 years!) so now I’m thinking I should tel him I want it? But I thinks is the case of want what i can’t have and it’s jealously too.

Bless you, it always hurts when things like this happen.

I personally wouldn't tell him. Mainly because (and I'm sorry if this is mean) you were the one that said you wanted to be friends and that your goals didn't align. Nothing wrong with that but I don't think it's fair now to change your mind on a dime, tell him and potentially mess up whatever it is he's got going on with his girlfriend.

Maybe you want what you can't have, maybe you want it cause it's a safe option cause you know deep down you can't have it. You said it's been an emotional week an meeting up with you estranged dad, maybe that's triggered some of the issues of abandonment and rejection.

My suggestion would be continue with the therapy and focus on yourself and dealing with your issues. Never know, maybe when you're feeling in a better place he might be single

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I need an outside opinion on a family situation, it's with the in laws. Background information, I'm a stay at home, home educating mum of three little ones, my eldest is school age the other two are toddlers. I have no child care so my children are at home 24/7, I am not complaining about that it's the life I choose and love to have but it does mean that I have no time to do anything outside of looking after them. We are a family of five living in a small two bed house, with three children at home 24/7 it gets messy and cluttered and as fast as I can try to tidy up they make more mess behind me. Again not complaining, we are a happy home.
This is where I need advice because I don't know why this bugs me so much. My in laws are generally wonderful and we have a good relationship but everytime it is anyone birthday in their side of the family they tell us that they are coming to our house when they live in a huge house with plenty of room for entertaining but always want to come to ours. I wouldn't mind if they asked without fully expecting it or if it was just for mother and father in-laws birthdays but its my nephew, my brother in law, my husbands uncle and auntie who he doesnt see apart from on their birthdays. Then my mother in law puts in cake requests, im not a professional baker/cake decorator but on my nephews last birthday she asked me to make a cake and make it look like a scooter because thats what he's into at the moment. Then its the request for decorations to be put up, it's just a lot on top of my full time job of educating my little girl with two little toddlers running around destroying the place. The thing that gets me about the requests for my nephews birthday, his dad (my brother in law) does NOTHING for it he literally just turns up at my house, for his sons birthday not even a thank you no help with anything NOTHING, he could at least host it at his house which is 5 minutes from ours and ask for help with cooking etc, but no its left to me when I have three children of my own.
We have said no before to hosting one of their birthdays at ours because it was not long after I gave birth to my second little one, it was it difficult time becoming a mum of two with my then three year old at home struggling with the change and I had post natal depression so things were getting on top of me, anyway it caused serious tension they were not impressed and they let it be known. I know this isn't a big problem really and it's only a few days out of the year but I think I just don't like the way that its forced. I don't do it for my side of the family, my sister arranges my neices birthday parties, my step dad arranges my mums and we help him with what's needed we usually go to their house, even my children's birthday parties we usually hire a hall but for some reason they need to use our house
Anyway that is my rant over You are welcome to tell me that I'm being unreasonable, I just needed to get it off my chest because we just had a request in for the next party. If you made it to the end thank you, the ramblings of a crazy lady

It is a big deal! I'd be really irritated by that. Unfortunately though my only suggestion is going to be that you start saying no. Be firm, be polite and do not be guilt tripped. It is appalling that they basically sulked and made you feel bad when you said no last time.

I realise though, that you might just not feel able to say no at the moment. Sometimes it's easier to keep the peace. You could start small by perhaps not "having time" to do the decorations so could they bring those or by saying no to the cake. Anything that will take the pressure off a bit. Please remember though that you are not in the wrong for feeling put upon.

 

[instasham13]

Thanks for the advice. I think I will go to the interview and get a better idea of what the job is about then decide how I feel if I am offered it.

 

[HoGi]

Does hanging clothes on a radiator to dry damage the radiators? Or would it take years and years to start damaging

I don't think it damages the radiators at all but does put moisture into the air. So if your house isn't well ventilated or is prone to damp you could get damp patches and/or mould. It's why a lot of rental properties have a "no washing drying indoors" clause in the contract

 

[Theninth]

Not unreasonable at all, I'd be telling them to fuck off. Your house, your rules.

Thank you, I'm not crazy

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I’ve been in my new job for just over 3 months now and to be honest I’ve struggled with the adjustment since week 2. I was at my last job for 5 years and this was sold to me as a bit more of a step up but generally doing really similar things. I have a niche skillet that brings in a lot of money and I thought the role would be challenging and doing really similar things. It’s a lovely place to work and I’m paid well but it’s the actual work I’m just really unhappy with and I don’t really know how to approach it.

-I spend a lot of my days in excel and PowerPoint doing really menial stuff. I’m not work-shy but I do feel like I’m completely wasted doing these kinds of things

-I find doing repetitive tasks really difficult- it’s the reason I loved my old job. I never had to do things the old and slow way - I had freedom to enhance things. Some of the excel tools I’d rather unalive than have to use because they’re so long winded and inefficient.

-Some of the work really goes against my ethics. There’s some analysis techniques you shouldn’t use with certain data. You might as well have an educated guess as it would be just as good as some of the things I’m being asked to do. I’ve tried to broach this but met with a fair bit of pushback. “It’s the way we’ve always done it” but then they do come back and say they’re willing to change.

I basically sit there moving shit around in PowerPoint and can’t help but think about my old day rate and how daft it is that I’m basically doing that for work I don’t want my name against because I feel 0 sense of achievement for selling snake oil. I feel like I’ve been mis sold a role a bit and the nature of the work is making me a bit snappy and disgruntled. It feels a bit early in the role to feel this unhappy.

I knew on the first day at my old job that it was wrong for me. I had to work to pay bills so I stuck it out but it took its toll. I think if you know you know and there’s no shame in that.

 

[LaBlonde]

So. I hope this is a good place to put it.
I’m currently in therapy and I’ve spoken about my feelings through and through. And aware of my triggers and issues.

I met a lad through tinder and asked we can be friends because we got on so well, and our long term goals didn’t matcb

He’s got a girlfriend now, told me today and has said he’ll be moving in with half of the week in the future. and I KNOW I asked to be friends but can’t help but be gutted cause I did fancy him and had thoughts about kissing him.

And one of my issues is abandonment issues. And j was a bit short with him (it’s been an emotional week- met up with my dad who I haven’t been in contact with for 18 years!) so now I’m thinking I should tel him I want it? But I thinks is the case of want what i can’t have and it’s jealously too.

you will gain nothing from telling him beyond causing hurt to yourself. you know he has a girlfriend who he is serious about, you know your long term goals don’t match up - you would only be making him feel awkward and making yourself feel bad.

beyond that, shadowcat has given wonderful advice above.

 

[Little Fluffy Clouds]

I question how the OP is financing their lifestyle if they apparently have no job, no family, no income in the form of any benefits etc - where are they getting money for food/bills/the mobile phone or device they are using to access tattle?!!

I'm not having a dig at anyone questioning. Do not want to make anyone defensive.

I have been victim to my detriment of a liar but it not about me. I am more than aware some people twist the truth.

Had no intention of antagonising anyone. It not for me to question anyone else belief.

Sorry to anyone who has taken offence, was in no way what I meant to convey.

I'm not discussing this further but take care.

 

[HoGi]

Sorry HoGi, I made a mistake. She's the wife of my elder brother. The brother that is deceased was a life-long bachelor. Thank you so much for getting back to me.

Yeh I twigged after your reply to Purr.

I would see how your sister gets on. But I think a polite message along the lines of I know you're trying to help but there are too many people getting involved so it gets confusing (too many cooks spoil the broth etc) so thanks but at this point don't need any help but will let you know if that changes.

 

[Snippysnips]

Hello everyone!

I wanted to make a thread about home security but I think I'm too new a member to do that so I've found this thread, I hope you all don't mind!

I'm a single mum, live with my three little ones in a nice area with lovely neighbours. However, this week a couple of nasty break ins have happened in the local area (one included them bringing a knife!) and it's really got me thinking about how safe I am.

My windows are composite triple glazed, my front door is composite, non snap locks & no glazing with a ring door bell and I'm fully insured.

However the problem is my back door is a very old wooden frame (that's falling to bits), wooden door, old mortice lock, with a large single glazed window and it's giving me the heebies.

Between that door and upstairs there are two more downstairs internal doors.

I'm just starting to worry all the time about what could happen..especially coming up to Xmas and darker nights. Has anyone got any ideas on how I can make myself feel a bit safer (on a budget!), I can't change the door (cost).

Welcome any ideas x x

Am assuming your UK, there used to be a program on TV few years ago called beat the burglar, it might be on YouTube, basically showed you how people could get into houses an then told the house owners what they could do to put off people from doing so, you might get a few handy tips off it, I can't remember too much but most things they told home owners to get was things at doors that caused noise so like another poster said wind chimes, or having a sensor light if anyone got near to the door go off, obviously this was before all these ring doorbells were out but you might be able to get a few ideas from that