The advice thread for random problems #2

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Not really a big dilemma, can talk to family & friends etc however am curious to hear complete outsider advice. Am I being unreasonable for saying my other half’s daughter can’t stay on a school night?Just a bit of background - I’ve just had a baby, he’s 10 weeks old and I have two other children (previous relationship)

Oh gosh,

Yes sorry, I think you are being. That's his child. Your children are with you by default. His child needs to be included. I'm presuming he either wants her to stay or she needs to due to her mum's working hours. That's blended families in my opinion.

 

[HoGi]

None of this is making sense. What medical condition do you have? Just name it - I don’t understand why you wouldn’t?
if you are unwell to the point you haven’t washed in 2 years you need serious help. Why haven’t you washed?! I can’t see any Doctor knowing all of the above would just turn you away and refuse to help you. There’s more to this.

I'm inclined to not believe this poster. Every post there is another excuse.

And like you say no GP would leave them with no help especially if things are as Dore as they state.

 

[Snippysnips]

It seems like you’re implying I might be an “arsehole” but I just don’t like when people IRL comment on whatever it is I’m eating or even doing. It makes me self aware and uncomfortable.

If someone's parents have to change or walk on eggshells in their own home because they are worried their kids partner will not want to go to their house and will talk about them to family/friends then yes the partner is an arsehole, I could never imagine having to make my parents change who they are just because it might affect my partner

My brother had a ex that all of us had to constantly walk on egg shells around, couldn't mention this or that, couldn't be seen (in our own house) couldn't make noise or whatever, she was eventually told to fk off

 

[Some People!]

1) Thanks. Since my breakdown I just don't trust my own judgement anymore lol..

2) Part of me wondered if he wS bothered that I added my self on by booking my iwn lodge. I know he has hinted to mum that he doesn't wanting me ruining the holiday vibe if iam still depressed.

1) Same, I've never got an accurate idea of if what I think or feel is at all unreasonable - Tattle is great for this

2) Imagine trying to safeguard your perfect holiday by attempting to exclude a depressed person rather than deliberately including the depressed person to build them up and have low-pressure fun?! Yuck, I'd hope your mum called that out?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Apparently the police gave them my number? The police rang me afterwards to tell me that there was a witness on the scene and claimed it was a hit and run which wasn’t the case. I told them that I went into the bollard and the man that had rang me previously had told me there was cctv footage of me going into their car and if that was the case they’d see me getting out and checking the car beside the bollard to make sure I didn’t hit it as well and didnt see any damage so I did drive off, but they’re now claiming that the back bumper and paintwork has been taken off. I also asked the policewoman what damage had been done and she wasn’t able to tell me which I found strange and asked about the cctv footage and she said she’d have to get back to me on it. I did ask the man on the phone too to send over photos. He told me he didn’t have a smart phone but his wife did and she would send them over but haven’t received anything at all



I’m gonna get onto my insurance in the morningand leave it in their hands. They’ll obviously have to provide evidence that it was me!

This seems very strange, one the police cannot give out your number. How did they even get it? And why are they so interested it such a minor incident?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Wouldn't she get disciplinarys first? I think it's a 3 stage before you can fire where you need to do a disciplinary, then written letter with a warning an then a meeting

It sounds like if she would be straight up fired then she's probably already had all those an she's on her last chance, which tbf wouldn't be your fault if that was the case

I hope you can get something sorted though an she doesn't guilt you into anything where your still losing out

Thank you all for the kick to sort it, she went in for the guilt trip big time. Claiming she’s moved other clients to fit me in, not sure how she’s come to that because I don’t have a session booked as she was going to get back to me!
She then claimed she didn’t have the cash due to a massive tax bill, can’t be that hard off.

In the end she agreed to pay me back when she can so that’s something.

I guess it might be classed as gross misconduct as it’s fraud against the company technically.

 

[Carapop]

I'm pretty sure the same person used to post on Mumsnet (living rurally in Wales, unable to travel, couldn't wash or change clothes, no one to help, no money/ severely limited benefits, rare medical condition - all of which is pretty specific and unique it would be surprising if it was 2 entirely different people). Any solution anyone provided was never workable.

I don't know whether it's all a fiction (there were references to the MN poster having, or being accused of having Munchausens) or actually someone who is very mentally unwell . But either way, sadly I don't think any advice given here is going to help, just like it didn't help on MN.

Scenario 1, she’s not telling the objective truth but it’s her (misguided, very unwell) truth that she needs to tell for whatever reason.

Scenario 2, she’s telling all the facts as they exist in objective reality, and may legitimately benefit from the kindness and support being offered.

Either way, it’s not hurting anyone and it may offer some relief to someone in need. No one is dedicating time or energy they don’t have to a thread on tattle.

and to the poster in question, Please forgive me for speaking of you in the third person

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Very first world problem but I’m starting a new job in a few days and wonder if I should place an order for new work clothes because I don’t want to wear the clothes I used to wear in my horrendous soon to be old job. I don’t want to carry that energy with me into the new role.

Definitely, if that’s how your old work clothes make you feel! Give the old ones a chance at happiness with someone else if they’re still in good nick!

 

[Tinker74]

Thank you all! Iam feeling much better. I didn't do anything wrong.. I asked a simple normal question in my own house. No harm was meant.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Another vote here for appealing the PIP if your claim is rejected the first time. I had to apply for it for my son, who is autistic and has ADHD and diagnosed anxiety. He needs a lot of help day to day with regard to being prompted to manage his personal care needs etc, he's unable to manage money and at the time of applying was being assessed for supported living accommodation. The initial claim was rejected with them scoring him ZERO in every category. I appealed, sending a further 25 pages of typed evidence along with statements from medical professionals and other members of the family who knew about the level of care he needed and the original decision was overturned.

The whole process was incredibly time consuming and emotionally draining but worth it in the end. It still makes me rage that people who are already disadvantaged by illness or disability are being forced to jump through these ridiculous hoops to get the support they need.

 

[Snippysnips]

Have I been rude?
My daughter 23 is currently downstairs with her boyfriend of a few months watching TV. I went down to get a drink from the kitchen.. She shouted through to me coukd I come to help with the TV.. I said I couldn't.. (I had no bra on lol.. Was only running into kitchen) the house literally stunk of a v strong garlic smell.. I knew they had had food delivered earlier.. So I called through to her asking what the smell was.. Saying its really strong garlic.. They both answered that they didn't have garlic... So I asked what they had ordered as it wS really strong smell.. She said chicken strips!
So I went back up to my room and mi utes later I get a barrage of texts from her saying iam rude and embarrassed myself and her.. That I shouldn't act that way in front of a guest.. That usually she would bite my head off but she wanted to play it down to her boyfriend.. Etc etc.
So now iam sitting upstairs wondering if I was rude? I didn't say it in a mean way or anything.. I was just asking.
She said what if he tells people what it's like here? What does that even mean?
All because I asked about the garlic smell?
I felt like I can't trust my own judgement anymore?

I would think your daughter's being rude tbh, it's your house an it was just a question, it's only natural to ask what it was if it smelled strong, I assume the chicken might have garlic in it (most fast food places use garlic salt in food)

Maybe it's just my family but firstly I'd have been told to fk right off if I told my parent to go to their room an a good kick up the ass if I sent those txt messages, then told if that's how I feel then go to theirs next time because they won't be coming back

Honestly if she's worried about what he's going tell people then says alot about him tbh, first time my brother brought his other half over my parents argued over dinner then my dad ripped the utter piss out my brother, my brother's been married 4 years now

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Hi looking for some advice. We have a family holiday to center parks planned for next spring. I have recently divorced so will be in an apartment by myself. I was a recent add on as didn't want to go initially.
My brother and his wife and three sons under 12 will be in their own lodge.
My parents are sharing a lodge with my son who is 28. He adores his grandparents and wanted to stay with them.
All seems fine doesn't it... Well mybrother has started to bizarrely ignore some of my text messages.. He seems off. I don't message that often but when I have he has read but not replied.. Except to a birthday message. I asked my mum about it and apparently he is annoyed with me and my son that he has found out that my son is bringing his new girlfriend of 4 months on the center parcs holiday. They will have been together a year by the time of the holiday.
He apperently said he is furious and doesn't want to have to holiday with a stranger!
Iam shocked at this and haven't told my son as he is very sensitive and laid back and it will hurt him that his uncle thinks this. I mean is this strange? It's a bloody 5 day trip to center parcs! My son and his gf will not be in the same lodge as my brother.. They will be with my patents who are fine with it.. My son paid for his own lodge. And this girl is not a stranger she is important to my son and could become part of the family. She is a lovely quiet girl.
My brother has always been a bit strange.. He is very insular and introverted. He gave up work to be a full time dad years ago because he couldn't stand being around people lol.

Its your brother's issue to get over. Its a holiday park where people can go do their own thing and I'm sure your son and his partner will be off doing what they like to do, as will your brother. People make a problem where there isn't one. I have no doubt at the end of the holiday your brother will be saying how rude the young couple were by not socialising with the family as mush as he thought they should.

 

[Snowjoke]

Thanks for all the help and advice. I got speaking with my GP today and we have a plan of action. I made a list as suggested above. I feel a weight lifted already. Thanks tattlers

 

[Lalla]

I wouldn't have asked about the smell, it smelt of food, you knew they were getting food delivered, I'm not sure why you needed to comment.

Reminds me of a colleague who any time anyone ever ate any hot food in the office would make a big loud performance going on about the stink etc. Made people feel very awkward.

I think you will have made the bf feel awkward and uncomfortable - and therefore I would say it's a bit rude, albeit clearly not deliberately so.

 

[Sugarbee123]

Big of a long one I’m sorry!
so last year my husband and I had a really bad year I honestly didn’t think we’d make it. I who never suffered with mental health had to take a month off work due to my mental health my husband was my absolute rock then come to the end of the year he took a turn and completely went off the rails drinking/drugs etc we finally managed back on track and we have been great since that. But after he had his final blow out (last year) he told my brother that he has done everything with my best friend apart from sleep with her (this came out like two days after we decided we were going to make our marriage work as we didn’t want to lose each other), my brother told my mum then she told me, as you can imagine I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest, I confronted him about it straight away, he said nothing has ever happened between them and it wasnt true he was just showing off although he admitted he did have a crush on her because he did confide in her a lot when he was going through his issues. I never ever asked my best friend if this was true because she’s married with two young children and I didn’t want to cause problems in their family and I’d really like to think she wouldn’t do that to me. But she is someone who likes the attention of other men. That was really hard for me to even begin to get over, but he swore blind nothing had happened even the thought of him having a crush on her I mean I know everybody has crushes but my best friend? Recently I’ve noticed he’s started messaging her a lot just banter nothing flirty or anything but it just seems to be happening a lot. And it’s just starting to consume my life again, I feel like when we’re all together I’m watching them both to see if I can pick up on anything. Do you think think this is something I need to bring up to him? I just don’t want to cause a huge argument before Christmas, I just really don’t know what to do.

 

[shadowcat5]

Have I been rude?
My daughter 23 is currently downstairs with her boyfriend of a few months watching TV. I went down to get a drink from the kitchen.. She shouted through to me coukd I come to help with the TV.. I said I couldn't.. (I had no bra on lol.. Was only running into kitchen) the house literally stunk of a v strong garlic smell.. I knew they had had food delivered earlier.. So I called through to her asking what the smell was.. Saying its really strong garlic.. They both answered that they didn't have garlic... So I asked what they had ordered as it wS really strong smell.. She said chicken strips!
So I went back up to my room and mi utes later I get a barrage of texts from her saying iam rude and embarrassed myself and her.. That I shouldn't act that way in front of a guest.. That usually she would bite my head off but she wanted to play it down to her boyfriend.. Etc etc.
So now iam sitting upstairs wondering if I was rude? I didn't say it in a mean way or anything.. I was just asking.
She said what if he tells people what it's like here? What does that even mean?
All because I asked about the garlic smell?
I felt like I can't trust my own judgement anymore?

doesn't sound rude to me, not sure what you've done out of that that would be considered rude besides not going into the room? Did you greet him earlier on when he arrived?

Maybe her boyfriend stinks of garlic all the time and that's why she's embarrassed

 

[Snippysnips]

So both can be valid. I don’t know why everybody is jumping down the OP’s throat.
It would be annoying for anybody living next door to a baby crying at 2am in the morning. I would hate it.
Ofcourse the parents can’t do anything but why should OP have sympathy for somebody who chose to have a child.
Come on now people if you can’t help with a solution don’t be part of the problem

I was honest scared to type something like this because I'd probably get hate for it but I agree, wasn't OP that decided they should have a kid, personally my neighbours two kids who are older screech morning to night an it really pisses me off as the parents do absolutely nothing, they don't cry or anything just that high pitched screaming, I don't have kids just my neice but I also don't want other people's kids to be my problem

 

[minceheed]

Looking for a wee bit of advice on overwhelming friends 🫣 as much as I appreciate a friend who is able to keep in touch as grown up life is hard to make time for friends but this is none stop! Texts begin around 5.30am and continue all day, not so much as a conversation but random statements, updates about people ave never met. Ive asked before for a bit of space and I would text when im ok but she took that I had posted an Instagram story to mean text me again on every platform she could! One day i didn't reply for a day and a half and I had 9 messages in that time, always needs to know what im doing and I find it overwhelming but don't want to hurt feelings and obviously has ignored me when ive asked for space! Any ideas how to deal with this

 

[LaBlonde]

Yeah this is very good points and advice. I think I’m feeling sensitive this week with everything.

My dating life goal is marriage and potentially kids as he’s already been married twice and got three kids (by three different women!) and I’m so used to not saying what I want, I don’t want to budge on this.

my dude, he has a girlfriend. a girlfriend who is serious enough that he’s planning to live with her. do not do this. it’s completely natural to feel sad that you’ve maybe missed an opportunity but he’s moved on. it isn’t fair to him to now do a complete 180 and tell him you actually want to be together when you previously said you wanted to be friends and he has moved on.

what are you hoping will happen here? because if you think he might reciprocate then i feel you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. i get your feelings and they’re valid but consider him too.

it sounds to me honestly like you maybe had him on tyne back burner as you knew there was a degree of interest as it’s telling that these thoughts have cropped up now he’s told you he has a girlfriend and so is unavailable. i get the disappointment of them. it sucks. but pondering it only hurts you.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less.
Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

Ex-functioning alcoholic here. It’s a coping mechanism for something so behind the scenes, there’s something wrong. However you dress it up though, this lifestyle will hurt him badly and he needs help. Until he’s willing to accept that, you may as well talk to the bottle yourself. Speak to him with as much kindness as you can and say that you think he has a problem and you would like him to seek some help. You would like to support him in this. GP is good but he might prefer an anonymous support group miles away if he thinks people will know and judge him. If he refuses, give him some time to think on it. Ultimately though… I’m now you. I’m a mum, and I wouldn’t want to deal with me then, so if you have to issue the ultimatum you should, and stick to it. You’re not his mum too.