@Welsh Attack Squirrel Hi. I'm just going through the MT and read a few of your posts. Please try and stop blaming yourself for not realizing your partner was depressed and suicidal. You had been battling cancer and then were severely depressed yourself, which causes you to shut down emotionally and can put such blinkers on you just from the sheer exhaustion and daily struggle to survive. It's not like you were selfishly ignoring your partner and his feelings. I'm sure you did the best you could do in enormously difficult and painful circumstances. Thankfully a tragedy was averted, but please try and stop carrying that guilt, it will just hurt you and potentially your partner more. Give yourself the same care, forgiveness, understanding and compassion you would give to someone else in your situation.
ETA: just seen your comments saying you did an Alice. YOU ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO AN ALICE! You were very sick, possibly fighting for your life, and then had severe depression on top of it. It would have been a miracle if you hadn't become a bit self-absorbed - you needed to focus on yourself to survive. If you were anything like AE you would not be holding yourself accountable for what happened, let alone needlessly blaming yourself for things that were not and are not your fault.