Support for anyone that needs to vent

[BettyCrockerr]

@BettyCrockerr And/or to anyone else who wants to chime in their perspective. Do you remember a few posts back when I talked about my doubts in my “online relationship”?
I wanted to hold off on breaking up because just this past Sunday we met for his early birthday celebration and Monday was his actual birthday.
Now my questions are when would be the right time? What do I do if he questions my ability to make a decision because I can be indecisive (and he’s admitted that, which he is not wrong)? And how to I carefully break it off without being an asshole about it but also say I’d like to be friends? He feels especially close but I don’t feel the same. I love him but just more as I friend.
Bare in mind since we’re mostly online due to long distance, I will have to do this through video chat.
This whole thing is eating me up and it’s strange when your family/friends are more excited about you in a relationship than you are.

First off - forget the idea of being friends with him after this. Honestly it rarely works and in your situation I think it would end up being more of an issue because I get the impression he will use it to keep a hold over you. He sounds possessive and he sounds like he can railroad you.

Just tell him how you feel. Say that you aren’t happy, you don’t feel that way about him, you don’t want to be in any kind of relationship with him and that you want to be single and enjoy other aspects of your life. That’s it. Don’t be drawn into a debate over it and don’t allow him to manipulate you. tell him what’s going on and tell him you’d like space.


you don’t owe your family any kind of explanation. you are an adult and it’s entirety up to you who you are in relationships with. It’s got nothing to do with them. Don’t ask for their opinion, don’t discuss it with them. If they ask about him in future simply say it was working/you weren’t happy and you are no longer involved with him. That’s it. If they press you for any more information or if they start carrying on about it, saying you should be with him etc firmly tell them that your relationships have nothing to do with them and that you won’t be discussing it any further with them.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

@BettyCrockerr And/or to anyone else who wants to chime in their perspective. Do you remember a few posts back when I talked about my doubts in my “online relationship”?
I wanted to hold off on breaking up because just this past Sunday we met for his early birthday celebration and Monday was his actual birthday.
Now my questions are when would be the right time? What do I do if he questions my ability to make a decision because I can be indecisive (and he’s admitted that, which he is not wrong)? And how to I carefully break it off without being an asshole about it but also say I’d like to be friends? He feels especially close but I don’t feel the same. I love him but just more as I friend.
Bare in mind since we’re mostly online due to long distance, I will have to do this through video chat.
This whole thing is eating me up and it’s strange when your family/friends are more excited about you in a relationship than you are.

Are your family under the impression that you are happy? Perhaps you need to tell them how claustrophobic you're feeling and that you don't want to see this guy again. They might be happy because they (wrongly) believe you are happy.

I agree with the above poster in that I dont think friendship will work here. I think you need to tell him you don't feel the same anymore, its not working for you, wish him all the best and then cut ties. You don't even need to expand on your reasons or get into anymore conversation about it.

Its not nice having to break up with someone, ive been there in the past and felt awful but it's just something you have to go through unfortunately. Xx

 

[Sweatingbullets]

First off - forget the idea of being friends with him after this. Honestly it rarely works and in your situation I think it would end up being more of an issue because I get the impression he will use it to keep a hold over you. He sounds possessive and he sounds like he can railroad you.

Just tell him how you feel. Say that you aren’t happy, you don’t feel that way about him, you don’t want to be in any kind of relationship with him and that you want to be single and enjoy other aspects of your life. That’s it. Don’t be drawn into a debate over it and don’t allow him to manipulate you. tell him what’s going on and tell him you’d like space.


you don’t owe your family any kind of explanation. you are an adult and it’s entirety up to you who you are in relationships with. It’s got nothing to do with them. Don’t ask for their opinion, don’t discuss it with them. If they ask about him in future simply say it was working/you weren’t happy and you are no longer involved with him. That’s it. If they press you for any more information or if they start carrying on about it, saying you should be with him etc firmly tell them that your relationships have nothing to do with them and that you won’t be discussing it any further with them.

agree with this. As someone who’s been on the end of the ‘I don’t want a relationship with anyone’ a.k.a ME, yes it hurts like hell but that’s the end of it. Nothing you can do and no point holding on. Mine really wanted to be friends - because I was his emotional crutch and of course there was always (in his mind) the hope we’d still have sex without the exclusivity I wanted. Nope, not a chance in hell.

Sorry, but to be friends with him will be torturous if he still has feelings for you and holds out hope that you’ll change your mind eventually. Also, these types of friendships never last, as soon as one person meets another partner, it just becomes too complicated and someone inevitably gets dropped.

Your best bet is to cut ties for now and put some space between you both. If in that time you decide you do want to be with him or you both do want to be friends, then so be it, but right now you’re both too close to this situation to understand how you really feel.

Two years on for me and I would still fall apart if I ever saw him again, but at least I know that I did the right thing in standing my ground and not accepting the breadcrumbs he was offering and I know I will never let myself get i to a situation like that again!

 

[lasttime]

I hate that I'm doing this and have kind of mentioned this situation elsewhere on here previously but I'm at my wits end with my partners ex (this is going to be long). She's previously stopped him having the kids for no reason and is now doing it again. She blocked him on WhatsApp and after trying to contact her in other ways to no success he sent her a letter. Her response is that he doesn't contact her to ask how the children are (not true) that the maintenance he gives isn't good enough (although apparently it isn't about that) and how he puts work ahead of his children (he's doing shift work) he asked to have them and she said she had plans so he's asked for next weekend and she's said no unless he calls her which he doesn't want to do because it just leads to her going in circles for an hour and nothing being solved. She's generally abusive towards him anyway and both me and his family have said that any conversations should be had over text unless he's calling to speak to the children and them only. She makes him out to be a waste of space despite him helping her countless times above what he should be doing (stopping bailiffs going to her house for example) I want him to see his kids, he wants to see his kids and be a dad. I don't know where we go from here though. I spoke to a friend about it and was told there's two sides to every story which whilst true isn't the case here, I've seen the messages, heard the calls etc. It's been recommended that he seeks legal advice but I don't know how well that will go and obviously he like most can't afford a long legal battle. Hate seeing him so stressed with it all and so down because he can't see his children that he loves dearly.

 

[Sheabutter]

My grandfather fell again but this time in the vegetable garden. It was 2 a.m. before he was able to reach his smart watch and call for help. I feel so out of control and wish there was something I could say or do in this situation. I hate thinking of him lying there.

My mother sent out a group text prior to the weekly phone call and she’s informed us that she’s been staying with my grandfather since Wednesday. She doesn’t get on with him so I am sure she views this as something heroic on her part. I offered to move in with him two months ago — all I asked was that she introduce the idea to him first before I brought it up so he would not reject it out of hand. He gets stuck in his ways but if my mother suggests an idea he will normally adopt it. It’s a completely different story when it comes from me — the youngest in the entire family.
She shouldn’t be the one there. She treats sick people as a proxy for her gaining attention. She did this a few years ago when I was sick and she did the same during lockdown when her father fell for the first time.
She even started an email chain at that time with me and my two brothers SO’s — which was odd because neither of them are involved in the day to day affairs of my family — to keep us updated on the situation but it became quickly about her and what a martyr she is. My mother’s brand of care is honestly horrifying. I wish I put myself out there two months ago. I’m just angry and depressed now.

ETA: If it sounds like my spirit is a little broken it is. I am dealing with the woman who offered to give me a ride to the train station on my first day of work in an adult job only to pull the car to a full stop at a green light. She is a different type of person.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I hate that I'm doing this and have kind of mentioned this situation elsewhere on here previously but I'm at my wits end with my partners ex (this is going to be long). She's previously stopped him having the kids for no reason and is now doing it again. She blocked him on WhatsApp and after trying to contact her in other ways to no success he sent her a letter. Her response is that he doesn't contact her to ask how the children are (not true) that the maintenance he gives isn't good enough (although apparently it isn't about that) and how he puts work ahead of his children (he's doing shift work) he asked to have them and she said she had plans so he's asked for next weekend and she's said no unless he calls her which he doesn't want to do because it just leads to her going in circles for an hour and nothing being solved. She's generally abusive towards him anyway and both me and his family have said that any conversations should be had over text unless he's calling to speak to the children and them only. She makes him out to be a waste of space despite him helping her countless times above what he should be doing (stopping bailiffs going to her house for example) I want him to see his kids, he wants to see his kids and be a dad. I don't know where we go from here though. I spoke to a friend about it and was told there's two sides to every story which whilst true isn't the case here, I've seen the messages, heard the calls etc. It's been recommended that he seeks legal advice but I don't know how well that will go and obviously he like most can't afford a long legal battle. Hate seeing him so stressed with it all and so down because he can't see his children that he loves dearly.

He needs legal advice. He’s exhausted all other avenues. If everything is as you say it is, this is the only option. He should seek help from someone specialising in family law and particularly fathers looking for fair access to their children.
there really isn’t any other option.

 

[lasttime]

He needs legal advice. He’s exhausted all other avenues. If everything is as you say it is, this is the only option. He should seek help from someone specialising in family law and particularly fathers looking for fair access to their children.
there really isn’t any other option.

He has the ability to have a free 30 minute consultation on any legal matter via work so I'll push for him to contact them about that and I'll look into other solicitors for him. Just frustrating that he's only now finding his feet financially after she took everything he had and now he'll possibly have to throw all his money into this although obviously worth it. Thank you.

 

[TheGlossy]

I don't have a breeze where I'm headed in life anymore.

COVID and the pandemic killed my chances at ever meeting someone first and foremost. I hate online dating and had some pretty bad experiences, so I'm never planning on re-joining again. I've never regarded myself as someone who aspired to be married or be a "mom" to be honest. I've always thought I'd be travelling and climbing the ladder career-wise. The result is different. With COVID, all travelling ceased and my career has stalled. I've been at the exact same level since I started almost 7 years ago (meaning junior level). I haven't dated or spoken to a guy in a romantic way since January 2017 because I've been focusing on a career that ultimately proves to be going nowhere. I cannot meet anyone because there's nowhere where to meet someone and I'm not particularly willing to put in the work either only for him to ghost me like all the others did. It's a complete dead end and I feel as though the day I was born, a curse was placed on me preventing me from ever finding love or getting married.

Everyone around me is getting engaged, married, getting paired up, getting promoted to leadership roles, getting pregnant and I'm still waiting for life to happen and for my "breakthrough" or life purpose to finally unfold. I would have thought 7 years would have been enough to progress my career enough to start focusing on my personal life a bit more (developing friendships, try to meet someone), but everything is at a standstill.

If my career is going nowhere, meaning I'm still not climbing the ladder and working a job an intern can do better than me, and I still haven't met anyone and I still have no family (I'm no longer in touch with my immediate family). Then, what is the purpose of me putting all this work on this earth? What's my actual purpose on this planet because quite frankly, I frankly don't understand it. I have no hope at this stage.


(I'm not suicidal by the way, just expressing my inner confusion).

 

[Raininvain]

Just had a right shock. I was in my garage and I heard a woman/girl screaming I just thought it was kids messing about but it went on a bit long so I thought I'd better have a look to see what was happening.So I went and looked onto the street and one of the neighbours a woman was screaming her head off, there were 2 ambulances there and loads of cars etc. The ambulances were there about 3 hours and from what I can tell the ladies Mum must have passed away. She must have just found her or something...Its really sad and shocking.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I had a really rubbish day at work today. I love my job but it can be quite stressful. It’s never normally the root cause of problems though; if I’m majorly stressed it’s because other things are going on too. Someone more senior spoke to me pretty badly by email and I would normally just stick my fingers up at the screen and move on (not that it happens often) but today I was 10/10 drama and forwarded it to my boss telling him I was leaving .

I have a 5-year-old son who has autism and Global Developmental Delay. He starts school next week and I’m so worried for him. The school he’s going to is brilliant, they have a great ASN wing and he settles into new surroundings pretty well considering. The only kids in his class will be fellow ASN-ers but I’m so scared he gets bullied in the playground and he can’t tell us because he’s non-verbal.

I’ve just caught up with the meme thread and it’s cheered me up no end though, honestly it gives me life

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I don't have a breeze where I'm headed in life anymore.

COVID and the pandemic killed my chances at ever meeting someone first and foremost. I hate online dating and had some pretty bad experiences, so I'm never planning on re-joining again. I've never regarded myself as someone who aspired to be married or be a "mom" to be honest. I've always thought I'd be travelling and climbing the ladder career-wise. The result is different. With COVID, all travelling ceased and my career has stalled. I've been at the exact same level since I started almost 7 years ago (meaning junior level). I haven't dated or spoken to a guy in a romantic way since January 2017 because I've been focusing on a career that ultimately proves to be going nowhere. I cannot meet anyone because there's nowhere where to meet someone and I'm not particularly willing to put in the work either only for him to ghost me like all the others did. It's a complete dead end and I feel as though the day I was born, a curse was placed on me preventing me from ever finding love or getting married.

Everyone around me is getting engaged, married, getting paired up, getting promoted to leadership roles, getting pregnant and I'm still waiting for life to happen and for my "breakthrough" or life purpose to finally unfold. I would have thought 7 years would have been enough to progress my career enough to start focusing on my personal life a bit more (developing friendships, try to meet someone), but everything is at a standstill.

If my career is going nowhere, meaning I'm still not climbing the ladder and working a job an intern can do better than me, and I still haven't met anyone and I still have no family (I'm no longer in touch with my immediate family). Then, what is the purpose of me putting all this work on this earth? What's my actual purpose on this planet because quite frankly, I frankly don't understand it. I have no hope at this stage.


(I'm not suicidal by the way, just expressing my inner confusion).

You’ve kind of answered your own question in what you’ve written here. You say you are still “waiting” for life to happen for you, waiting for the breakthrough - that’s the problem. There is no magic lightbulb moment, there is no figurative threshold that you unearth and get to cross over.

you aren’t happy in your choice of career - so change it up. Stop focusing on chasing a promotion or climbing the corporate ladder. duck that tit. Go out and find something you actually enjoy and actually want to Do - not for the money or to
chase the success but something you actually love and enjoy and that makes you happy.

finding a partner more often than not is a mix of luck and some sort of divine intervention. You have to be open to it but not chasing it.


you are at a cross roads in your life - What you are doing, how you are living - it’s not working. So
make a change. Sell up, buy a plane ticket, go somewhere new, get a new job, work in a bar, travel, learn new things, step out of your comfort zone - follow your heart and make yourself happy and once you do that, you’ll be where you need to be to find the people you are supposed to be with.

 

[Savannah_xx]

I hate the house I'm in now (council) to the point so I'm currently looking at private houses...which is not ideal (they can just sell up, higher rent etc) but I just really, really hate where I am. I've left it a few months and still feel the same. Its not cosy, and I just hate it and the area (don't feel safe).

I have to wait a year to mutual swap, the year is coming up in a few months. But dunno if I can be bothered to wait that long? (Not exactly long but will feel so). Also know it will be hard to get another council house so that's what has stopped me so far. But I just think is it worth it staying somewhere you hate?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I hate the house I'm in now (council) to the point so I'm currently looking at private houses...which is not ideal (they can just sell up, higher rent etc) but I just really, really hate where I am. I've left it a few months and still feel the same. Its not cosy, and I just hate it and the area (don't feel safe).

I have to wait a year to mutual swap, the year is coming up in a few months. But dunno if I can be bothered to wait that long? (Not exactly long but will feel so). Also know it will be hard to get another council house so that's what has stopped me so far. But I just think is it worth it staying somewhere you hate?

If you can afford to privately rent, then just do it.

 

[StrawberryCream]

If you can afford to privately rent, then just do it.

Agree with this to a certain extent but I’d really push your housing association for a transfer to a different area first, tell them it’s affecting your mental health etc as they should take this seriously. But as a last resort I’d look into private renting as you can choose a more desirable area.

 

[Savannah_xx]

If you can afford to privately rent, then just do it.

Most are quite high, I'm trying to hopefully find one within my budget. But that's what I mean, kind of feels stuck as really hate here but private is really expensive.

Agree with this to a certain extent but I’d really push your housing association for a transfer to a different area first, tell them it’s affecting your mental health etc as they should take this seriously. But as a last resort I’d look into private renting as you can choose a more desirable area.

Thanks. The thing is most of the HA advertise through the official council bidding website (well, here anyway) now which sucks. They used to have their own list and own website so I'd be re-registering on council bidding which will look weird? Arghhhhh!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Most are quite high, I'm trying to hopefully find one within my budget. But that's what I mean, kind of feels stuck as really hate here but private is really expensive.


Thanks. The thing is most of the HA advertise through the official council bidding website (well, here anyway) now which sucks. They used to have their own list and own website so I'd be re-registering on council bidding which will look weird? Arghhhhh!

Could you look at mid market rentals? So cheaper than private rental but more flexible than council or LA?

 

[Savannah_xx]

Could you look at mid market rentals? So cheaper than private rental but more flexible than council or LA?

I can do, didn't know about it before. So do I just search it on Google?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I can do, didn't know about it before. So do I just search it on Google?

Yeah just search for mid market rentals within whatever area you live in or contact your council and ask if they have contact details they can give you - they usually do.

 

[Savannah_xx]

Yeah just search for mid market rentals within whatever area you live in or contact your council and ask if they have contact details they can give you - they usually do.

Thanks so much for the info. I'll deffo get on to that tomorrow. What you think about the people that warn against it though/say swap instead as if give it up be hard to get a council house again? That's only thing I'm wary of.

But tbh I'm on some mutual swap groups on Facebook and for lots it's taken ages, years even and of course lots of messers about so I could wait until my introductory period is up and try swap so as to stay council but then it could and does seem to takes a long while? And I doubt anyone be in rush to move to a desirable house and area lol so yeah (sorry just trying to convince myself)

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thanks so much for the info. I'll deffo get on to that tomorrow. What you think about the people that warn against it though/say swap instead as if give it up be hard to get a council house again? That's only thing I'm wary of.

But tbh I'm on some mutual swap groups on Facebook and for lots it's taken ages, years even and of course lots of messers about so I could wait until my introductory period is up and try swap so as to stay council but then it could and does seem to takes a long while? And I doubt anyone be in rush to move to a desirable house and area lol so yeah (sorry just trying to convince myself)

I guess if you are in a position where you can afford to pay a bit more and move into a mid market rental then I’d do that, if you aren’t happy where you are I wouldn’t just stay for the sake of it being a council property if you don’t necescarily need one (as in you could move elsewhere if you wanted or needed to)