Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

[really_whythough]

I’m struggling quite a bit at the moment, I had a really tough Jan - Mar and everything has got on top of me. I can’t make eye contact at the moment and even video calls are too much for me. I had a video call this afternoon and whilst we waited for the chair of the meeting there was some chit chat going on and it was just really annoying me… like even them saying that the clocks go forward on Sunday is a good thing irritated me. Do you ever find yourself between two people and just think get me out of here?! One was mega mega posh as well and her accent could cut glass which i find really jarring too. I imagine she’s nice really but I found her reason for being on the call annoying and then it just went from there. Anyway, through exhaustion I’ve made a complete twat of myself because I am sure everyone is wondering why I couldn’t even look into the screen today when talking. I need a break.

I can totally understand this. It’s partly why I’m self-employed! I cannot do chit chat, it’s so draining.

I think it’s unlikely anyone even thought anything of it, everyone is too busy checking out their own ‘zoom face’ and thinking about their own insecurities. I definitely don’t think you made a twat of yourself!

You’ve identified really well that you are exhausted and need a break. How can you provide that for yourself? Annual leave? Staying somewhere different for even a couple of nights and walking around somewhere you haven’t spent all your time, just for a refresh?

There is a lot of research to support the benefits of offering ourselves self-compassion. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time and that’s part of why you are feeling like this. Acknowledge that it’s difficult and allow even these negative feelings to be there but don’t blame yourself for feeling them. Likely anyone would.

Dr. Kristen Neff has lots of free short guided meditations on self-compassion. I’ve found them helpful when I was feeling very upset and isolated. I hope you feel better soon.

Also, SO many zoom meetings could probably just have been an email.

 

[doodlebug]

This

This sort of behaviour completely grinds my gears! I haven't been victim of it personally but have witnessed it in my job many, many times. Every single time I've witnessed it, I've called it out. There and then. If you worked with me lovely, I'd eat those hyenas up and spit them out. There is no place for bullying, in any setting.
I advise taking this up with HR however if you don't feel like that's an option then get yourself some work environment legal advice. No one on Earth has the right to make anyone feel so helpless and unwanted. This situation has to stop sweetheart.
Don't delay. You are worth more than this. This is how you feed and clothe and heat yourself and family if you have any dependents. They're trying to prevent you from doing that with dignity.
A fine example of evil this insidious conduct.
Sending my love to you

Thanks so much for your kind words! It’s something I’ve sat on for months and never really knew how to articulate but I feel ready to do something about it now, so thank you for the encouragement

 

[Jadejones9596]

honestly love, come off the apps. they are brutal and i don’t think you’re in the right space emotionally for it right now. men are not the prize, YOU’RE the prize. prioritise yourself over these blokes that can’t even fill a bio out half the time.

it’s hard being long-term single. i hear you on that completely, but just be careful of making it the main goal or thing that’s going to make you happy. date yourself and treat yourself well, you’re the most important relationship you’re going to ever have.

Thank you my love, your advice is amazing as ever! I’m defo coming off again. The trouble is you tell people you’d like to meet someone and all they say is “have you tried the apps?” And then you get the story of their mothers dads hamster who met the love of their life on there thank you appreciate that x

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Had a really weird day of ups and downs, random urges for weird food, and felt like shite... aaaaaand it's PMS. Can this stop please I'm so ready to be post- menopausal.

Same! Always wished I could go through menopause early. But have at least another 10-ish years of periods or MENstruation

 

[really_whythough]

That sucks! And really just shows her own insecurities. Hopefully your fiancée can back you gently in the moment and you two can be honest with each other (when not with her) about how frankly out of order her assumptions are.

 

[really_whythough]

Just stopping by to scream into the void about how utterly SHIT builders are. Completely take the piss, act like they’re god’s gift, they might do a halfway decent job after you literally provided everything they need and LITERAL instructions or they might completely fuck it up and then not admit it for week. Swearing at us, wanting over 95% of the money when not even 80% of the work is done. Where the hell do they get off?!?!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh.




Thanks I needed that.

 

[really_whythough]

My family dog died on Saturday morning. I am completely devastated, but mostly worried about my mum as she is in bits and can barely function. I am currently already trying to cope with the loss of my best friend and only went back to work last week. My organisation is incredibly supportive but the way my boss has handled my return to work has not been ideal (talks of changing my role on my 2nd day back!) I know my rights regarding changes to roles when someone is absent (big no no). He is also quite a cold person so I know he won't care about the dog dying.

Im so sorry for your losses and having to be there for your poor mum while still in early grief over your friend.

I’ve found it helpful to go to work and try for short periods to ‘switch off’ deep sadnesses, make sure to allow yourself plenty of other space and time to feel your feelings though. Perhaps work can be where you really show up for yourself and your role?

Take detailed verbatim notes about whatever your boss says in case you need it in future. Might be worth questioning it in email after he’s said it out loud as if he’s breaking any legislation he’ll quickly backtrack.

sending hugs. Xx

 

[emmer_moans]

I’m so sorry for you. Just before covid my parents separated and had to live together through lockdown and finally divorced in 2021 after 27 years married. A lot has come out about what’s gone on in the past and it’s been really hard at times with one parent threatening suicide.

I do have a younger brother, but as the eldest I was stuck in the middle and spent the entire time as the middle man. Neither would speak to each other and I was the communicator between the two. I hated how they both put my in this position.

Now we’re a couple years after it all, I’m still adjusting. Not sure how we even got through it if I’m honest, but we all have. Both parents have now bought new properties and it’s becoming more normal. I dislike Christmas now and birthdays etc. My Mum is so much happier, however, I think my Dad regrets it. Just take one day at a time. You aren’t alone and in a funny sort of way it’s really changed my outlook on life.

Thank you for taking the time to write. I guess time will make things easier. I too am the eldest 'child' and I recognise the vulnerability of one parent and I'm worried they will crumble. I just wish I had 100,000s in cash just lying around to buy them both a house and tell them to move on, but alas, it's never that simple. It's heartbreaking seeing some of the nasty jibes one is giving the other right now. Really astonishing behaviour in someone who was supposed to love and protect the other. If it was amicable I think all would cope more but now old tidbits and grievances from the past are being flung about and it feels so toxic. I can't not be a shoulder to cry on but at the same time I'm also angry about the affect it's having on the family. One step at a time I guess.

 

[MacPishFlaps]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

You sound like a lovely friend

I think it's totally unacceptable for the partner to come along and you are well within your rights to say so.

 

[KK77]

Not a similar situation but I also come from a drama free family. Honestly so lucky growing up.

Then my dad passed away and my mum has become an absolute nightmare. My brother and his wife live with her so it’sna constant source of drama and I’ve found it incredibly difficult to deal with, this is ongoing for 8 years

What I have found is to be supportive to my mum who needs and outlet for her anger/depression/etc but I absolutely do not get involved with their day to day life.

My suggestion would be to do the same. Listen to your mum and be supportive but do not interfere in their relationship. Ultimately they are adults who are also just human, faults and all.

So hard to do but I think you are right!
---

I need your advice guys and girls. Reading reddit drives me insane because of hateful comments about Russians. The level of hatred is something I can't deal with. I cry every day, I'm angry every day, and I feel like me mental health is broken. I realize that I need to see a doctor, but honestly, I don't see how it could help me (I might be wrong, though!); I think it's more important that I need to change the way how I think and react emotionally, and meds will only make me drowsy... Can you please convince me to stop obsessively reading reddit and hateful comments? This is my main problem, I suffer from it but can't control it. I used to read a lot of books, but nowadays I can't focus on any book for 5 minutes. Literally any advice, any words of support would be much appreciated! I love all of you, best forum out there.

Yes please delete the app. Find some if the great (positive) threads on here and get involved, as the poster said visit friend or just get out in to nature and smile at people once a day. Do I sound mad? I was very depressed and hated the meds. In the end I started taking saffron supplement and now feel positive and have started to laugh and enjoy things. Good luck xxx

 

[LaBlonde]

It’s so nice to hear from you lovely! I went lower and lower after when I used to speak to you all on the dating thread. I thought I was ready to go back on the apps but clearly not! I’m really trying to focus on my self worth and being good enough for me, but I don’t really know how sometimes!
Hope you’re doing well? So nice to hear from you x

honestly love, come off the apps. they are brutal and i don’t think you’re in the right space emotionally for it right now. men are not the prize, YOU’RE the prize. prioritise yourself over these blokes that can’t even fill a bio out half the time.

it’s hard being long-term single. i hear you on that completely, but just be careful of making it the main goal or thing that’s going to make you happy. date yourself and treat yourself well, you’re the most important relationship you’re going to ever have.

 

[really_whythough]

Everything feels so blah all the time, it's all bills, budgeting, chores, work, repeat. I know it's depression (probably) but I went on a work trip last week and it was soooo good even though it was exhausting at the same time. I was actually willing to go to sleep (one of my big issues is hating to go to bed), excited for the next day, my brain was happy with the new experiences, and I felt so alive. And now it's back to the same old slog and I can't take it any more. Life is not bad, so I feel horrible for complaining - I'm safe, warm, fed, no debt except the mortgage, can afford to do most things I want, have the means to finance a Masters degree, etc. But it all feels so fucking pointless tbh.

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising or do-goody but perhaps some volunteering might suit you? There are so many ways to make a difference and it doesn’t have to be a huge amount of time that you give. Find something you can connect with and that might give you a sense of purpose outside the regular everyday. (Or just completely ignore me!) 🤍

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I need to vent. Don’t think I’m a tight arse.

Did a volunteering day with work and me and a colleague shared a car with out manager. They can claim back mileage.

Turns out they didn’t put enough money on the parking ticket and they have been sent a £60 fine. Me and my colleague were sat in the car at the time, so don’t know what the machine said, but the manager says it wasn’t very clear (so why didn’t they challenge it or query it. Would there not be a contact number on the machine?)
They rang the local council today and I think the outcome is they need to pay the fine.

My other colleague has offered to contribute towards it (they are a 2 person income household, I'm alone) but I have kept my mouth shut. I know the right thing would be to offer, but I really don’t see why I should? I feel like I won’t hear the end of it, plus the team have been regularly asked to donate to this person’s charity event they were doing, so I’m already irritated by that.

What would you do?

 

[tomato_paste]

I’m drowning…
My mum is currently in a psychiatric hospital after being sectioned 7 months ago with psychosis. Her delusions have always been about me and my family, in particular my children, and are horrible and very vivid. She hears persecutory voices (if my children) calling her names, making fun of her etc… and she gets very angry and hostile towards me as a result.

The medics have ruled out an organic reason for the psychosis and have concluded that it has been brought on by extreme stress and depression - triggered by the greed and lies of my estranged sister and nephews.

I am facing this alone. My husband is wonderful but doesn’t ‘get’ mental health issues. He struggles to understand that even though my mum acknowledges she can’t see anyone there, she is still insistent she can hear them. My children are young teens and have witnessed so much as a result of her rapid decline. I’m worried about the effect this will have on them.

I’m tired of the phone calls accusing my children of stealing her things or defecating on her bed. They occur every time she has leave home for a few hours but then she can’t remember what she has said. I’m frustrated that I’m facing this whilst my sister is away on holiday with her sons on my mums money… long story.

I’m sad for the time we’ve lost and I’m grieving the life I’ve lost. I know my mum won’t ever be the same again and I’m bitter that neither will I.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and by the sounds of it quite by yourself. It's such a hard place to be in, the anger, the grief, the tiredness, the utter sadness of it all. I'm so so sorry love, sending you tons of hugs if you want them, and strength and a peaceful cup of tea so you can catch a breath.

Can you find it within yourself to carve out some time for just you, even if it is just to sit and grieve? Even if your partner doesn't "get" mental health I think he needs to step up here if he isn't already and make that possible for you. Which means taking care of the small things that pile up, like the chores and the shopping and the homework and so on, but also possibly managing your interactions with your mum. Is she lucid enough to put on a mask towards outsiders? I know it's not her fault she's so nasty towards you but some people in her situation tend to mask towards less familiar people still, the ingrained habit of not being too open with people who aren't immediate family. Maybe he can answer the phone instead of you for a bit, because you're "busy". Or maybe he will finally understand more of what's happening instead, which would also not be a bad outcome.

There is always the option of not answering the phone but I guess that is a hard choice to make because we do worry for them and it's easier to be hurt than hurt them, because they don't understand.

Do you maybe have the option to do some grief counseling or talk to a therapist? Or maybe there are support groups around you where you can speak to people who understand and have gone through this too.

About your kids - I'd say be as honest as you can with them (in an age appropriate way of course). Mental health issues are an illness and the more they understand that, the easier it will be for them. Gran's very very ill and it makes her nasty and unkind. Doesn't mean they can't love her, because if they had a good relationship with her before they probably do; it just means that they need to love themselves more and stay away for their own protection. And assure them that it's not on them to manage this, or their feelings about this, by themselves. Have an open door policy when it comes to questions about her, and do share your feelings with them, let them know they're not alone with missing her or hating her sometimes for her behaviour or any of those big big emotions kids feel. Make space for their feelings if you can.

And finally, how much of your mum's care rests on you shoulders? Is there anything that can be done to get more professional help to take some of that load off your shoulders? Any meds she could take that might help her stay calm? I know Lithium has fallen out of favour a bit but it sometimes can be very helpful when people are so deeply stuck in their psychosis. Additionally, has she been evaluated for dementia?

 

[really_whythough]

More and more these days I find that I want constant comfort. I, at one time, could take risks and push myself and feel OK. Now, since covid I think, I just want to be wrapped up, hugging my dog on the sofa and to be left alone by everything. It’s not a problem as such, but it means I struggle to go to work etc as I feel SO anxious and sad all the time when I’m not at home.
I think the reason is covid but also long standing mental health problems that have been made worse after a long period of illness.

I can identify with this. There are definitely things that I ‘don’t want to do’ that once I’ve done them, I realise how important it is to stretch outside of that comfort even briefly, but keep doing it. Be gentle with yourself but also believe that you *can* do difficult, uncomfortable things - because you can and it’s most likely worth it! 🤍

 

[Blondeangel2515]

It’s just odd how they were calling me by my middle name and surname and him his surname then first name. The number was a landline number but whenever I tried phoning it back it says I’ve dialled an incorrect number just something about it doesn’t sit right with me.
I’ve deleted his number I’m not worrying or bothered over it at all just none of it makes sense when he was messaging me in March

Phoned the police back after that harassment claim and apparently it was because I sent screenshots of my ex messaging me to his current girlfriends family. My ex and his girlfriend saying I sent her family sexual messages like yes I did they were screenshots of what your boyfriend was sending me and I sent them to your family to make you aware so I don’t get abuse and because you blocked me. Making out I sent random sexual images to her family

like what did they think I would say to the police over this? When they know I have screenshots that I sent to them apparently he didn’t even tell the police he was messaging me in March and a week after I snitched he done the claim.
Why waste police time on this petty thing and now he’s made himself a right tit even the woman on the phone sounded like she was face palming at it. She’s closed the case and said I had a lucky escape

 

[emmer_moans]

Does anyone else love their parents but find them really hard work? My dad doesn’t do light conversation. I like light conversation- I like anecdotes and talking about nice things. He sniffs and doesn’t engage with me. Then last night we were watching the news and the newsreader didn’t quite seem all there, so I said she seems to have something going on, she’s stumbling over her words a bit. My dad used this as a horrible rant about diversity and how she only got her job because she’s a black woman, and she wouldn’t be the best black woman because the best one has probably pissed someone off, and he was watching CNN and all 5 hosts on a show were women and they were silly little girls doing chit chat and he doesn’t get that. I was sitting there thinking you’ve such a disgusting chip on your shoulder and yes thank you, as a hiring manager at a corporate company in London I know a lot about diversity and it’s not just about grabbing the first diverse person off the street and saying “you’ll do” - particularly not in such a competitive industry as journalism!!! I actually just said you know if the diversity is annoying you don’t engage with it - only watch the news when there’s a white man presenting - and he honestly looked like I’d slapped him in the face but also I think he realised I’d had enough of his shit for the night. Then my mum came in and we both noted the newsreader not being 100% and she said “she probably ill or tired” what a practical and straightforward response and my dad scoffed

I've realised in my 30s that there are some people I can click and talk with easily, like you say, anecdotes and talking about random nice things. And then there's some I just can't talk to. e.g. I have two siblings, I'm female, they are male. The youngest brother, I can chat to for hours about random books, tv, memes, we send memes all the time, conversation picks up easily even after a period of busyness etc. The other brother is more difficult to talk you - you are lucky to have a conversation with him that doesn't end with him rolling his eyes, scolding, disagreeing with everything just because...
Same at work, I used to think whenever conversation did not flow that I was at fault...I'm an anxious person, but there's one team member who I can never really talk to, not even about the weather because he just shuts everyone down with short answers. Yet the colleague next to him I can talk to her and conversation just flows. She talks to him sometimes but I've notice he just gives short answers that kill conversation to everyone. I've finally learned it's not just 'me' in those situations, but sometimes people can converse and sometimes people can't with me, and that's fine. It's frustrating when you need to get on with them though

I need to vent about how I honestly am finding it so hard treading a fine line parenting.

Last summer my little girl’s school ran swimming lessons and they resulted in my daughter having nightmares almost every night for about 2 months afterwards. Every night she would tell me how scared she was of swimming lessons and then in the night she would wake up screaming.

I have addressed this with the head teacher who has been brilliant, and I also got my daughter 1:1 swimming lessons (at GREAT expense) with someone who has been amazing at working within her boundaries. Now the term for swimming lessons is rolling round and I have now tbh reflected and I’m asking myself why I’d put her through the school swimming lessons when she is getting on well doing the private ones - it’s not on the curriculum until she’s in yr 3 anyway and she’s only yr 1. So I’ve emailed the teacher and said look, can you remind your swim teachers not to be dickheads to her this year and if they are I will pull her out of lessons so you need to make provision for that scenario…. I feel like I’m being a bit precious but I can’t go through another summer of her screaming in the night with these anxiety dreams. Shes a really sweet little girl and the PE teacher is a meat head so I’m very aware there’s a clash of worlds - which I accept, but it’s hard when it feels like you’re making up special rules for your children. I feel like the teachers probably roll their eyes when they get emails from me but I’m trying to take a fair and balanced view and the outcome for me is that she can miss 5 minutes of swimming given she gets 30 minutes 1:1 every week and it doesn’t create issues for her (and us) as a result.
I do feel better for getting that off my chest.

I would saw it's not like you are pulling her out of Maths lessons, swimming involves her safety and she/you need to feel confident that she'll be okay in those lessons. You're providing her 1:1 sessions so she's more likely getting better chance of learning the skill than her classmates anyway. When it involves child's safety and wellbeing, like swimming, I think the school needs to listen to you.


My vent is I feel so prone to procrastinating this month and it is tiring me out mentally.

 

[Kim Mild]

My husband is seriously getting on my nerves lately. The anger he is inspiring in me is wild. I don’t really understand how he can be doing so well at his job but when it comes to home life he just switches his brain off? There are so many examples of things he has done lately where I just think god you’re an absolute waste of space. I feel a bit irritated by the whole thing as i just wish he had more initiative and he communicated properly with me but he just grunts, gives me vague answers, mumbles, or answers a different question to what I’ve asked.

Are we married to the same man? He doesn't know anything, can't remember anything.

 

[Beetle.]

My 15 month old has completely forgotten how to sleep at night it would seem. This has been going on for weeks.
I know its normal and probably developmental blah blah blah but fucking hell it is tough. I also know I'm not alone and there's thousands of parents going through this too however its hard not to feel alone when you're sat in your chair in the middle of the night desperately trying to get them off to sleep, only for them to start screaming as soon as they're back in their cot.
I need to vent, because I don't know how much longer I can take this.

I remember this well. Sorry they’re not sleeping well/at all and that it’s obviously affecting your sleep too. It’s so exhausting and draining when this happens. Hang on in there it will hopefully settle back down again soon. Those pesky developmental phases I really hope that since you posted this, you’ve managed to get some much needed rest!

 

[Reality_tv_lover]

I feel so alone. I crave some love and kind words. I have great friends but I’m sure they’re sick of me and I don’t want to constantly burden them with my emotions. I feel like I hold it together 24/7 for my daughter and just get no time or space to process my emotions. Thanks for reading my vent if you got this far

i feel the same <3