Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

[VeryNiceVeryEVIL]

Got my colonoscopy today and I'm really really scared

 

[Forallthoseasking]

My manager and her manager (my old manager) are doing my head in today.

I joined a company while my official line manager was on maternity leave so her manager (Director) was my line manager in that period. I get on well with both and like them personally but they are some of the worst communicators I have ever worked with!

Since line manager has come back, she is involved in everything and preventing people from just talking to each other as all info has to pass through her. She means well but it just ends up with confusion from the Chinese whispers. She is clearly spinning a lot of plates too but just won't let anything go.

Then her manager (director) who used to be quite clear with things and communicative and preaching about openness and how everything is a team effort is now determined to have this distinct layer between her and the rest of the team, via the line manager.

This morning I've shared a big presentation deck for a project I've worked on, it includes supplier terms notes. Apparently I've used to wrong fees structure (I wasn't looped in on an update to the ones I had, and apparently neither had the CFO!) that the director did not agree too, she wanted them cheaper.

Rather than comment on the deck the 3 of us (me, line manager director) are on, she has gone to my line manager who has come to me to ask to help her search for the paper trail of the updated fee structure so she can present back to the director.

I've said no and that I'm too busy with other work to wrap up before the bank hol but this is one of many situations recently and it is doing my nut in!

 

[really_whythough]

Seriously if men got this, there would be whole districts providing menstrual aid services and they’d work a 3 week month maximum.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Are we married to the same man? He doesn't know anything, can't remember anything.

Well, all I know is that I have little faith he could handle two families unless he’s the world’s best actor so I don’t think so, but disappointing to learn youre struggling with the same issues. Yes, the lack of ability to RETAIN anything is maddening. He also falls asleep constantly. Our 1 yr old sleeps less than him.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

My partners dad walked out on his mum a few months back after 40-odd years of marriage. Transpires he’s been shagging someone else. The family are in total denial, saying he must have ptsd, a brain tumour, mental illness, all sorts, to try and excuse the shitty behaviour.
Looks like it’s headed for divorce, and MrBabes has said his mum could come and live with us, or we can start taking her on holiday with us, no consultation with me.
I’m fucking fuming, he spends hours on the phone with her everyday, it’s starting to affect him, me and our relationship. I don’t want to be the bitch and say he needs to start setting boundaries, but I’m getting really annoyed

I'll be honest with you and say this is a green flag! I can agree it would affect me too but when something like this happens family should pull together and it looks like this is what is happening.
I'm concerned if you start demanding he sets boundaries your relationship might not survive. If this was my mum and Mr Lolz started making demands I don't know how I'd feel

 

[flutternutter]

Congratulations!! You got offered the job because they clearly saw something on you, so you should believe in yourself! You would’ve had to beat out several others to get the role, so remember that. I’m sure you’ll be great! I’m sure the love for what you do will translate into doing a good job.

I need to print this out

 

[tomato_paste]

Had a really weird day of ups and downs, random urges for weird food, and felt like shite... aaaaaand it's PMS. Can this stop please I'm so ready to be post- menopausal.

 

[Greenandgold]

This

Hi all, have posted on these threads before and you were all really lovely and helpful.

Not sure if there is a specific thread for work drama but this seems the most active thread for venting. I’ll try to keep it short so in summary I started a new job at the end of last year and it has been hell.

I am the most junior member of a small team and my main problem is that no one works with me. My work is dependent on being given things to do by the rest of the team due to the nature of my role (I can’t be autonomous). I feel like shit because I’m not learning or growing at all because I’ve been sidelined to admin only despite this not being what was promised. It wasn’t this bad when I first started but in March, a new guy of similar seniority to me was seconded to our team and everyone pounced on him in lieu of me ever since then I haven’t gotten a look in. I even got taken off something I was working on so he could have it as it would be “good experience for him”.

It’s been brewing for a while but I have reached breaking point. I’ve never been in this position before why I’ve been iced out by an entire team and left to twiddle my thumbs. This one woman treats me like her PA and only ever asks me to do things that are borderline insulting. I wouldn’t even mind if she worked with me otherwise but she doesn’t.

Recently it’s become apparent to me just how bad it is because the other guy I mentioned will be completely slammed but people still will not come to me for work, and I’ve been left with very little to do. I raised it with our team leader but she didn’t have much sympathy (she’s guilty of this too and tbh is pretty much the person telling everyone to work with this other guy). She was just like, it’s a time of change for our team (which it is as we just acquired another company and our team is expanding) and she just said to make sure I let the new team leader know I’m ready and willing to go - but it doesn’t really fix the original issue that everyone on our original team seems to have an issue with me. I feel like everyone knows something I don’t. My line manager who isn’t in my team and I was able to open up to him about the situation as he’s not directly involved. He was very kind and just advised me to speak to our team leader, which I did.

There is one person in our team who does work with me but she is legit the only one. It’s almost embarrassing because I can tell she feels sorry for me. I plan on also telling her; I tried to over teams on Friday but she wasn’t really getting it. Is it ok to outright ask her if she knows what the deal is with the rest of the team? Because there’s no way she doesn’t see it too.

Spoiler: Other stuff

My main gripe is my career as I feel so stuck and like I can’t progress here. However, socially things are really bad too and I feel like an outsider. I’m often left off of invites/emails and find out information from people not even in my team. For example, there have been two social events where I was accidentally left off the invite and only found out something was happening when someone else innocently brought it up and I had no idea what they were talking about. Everyone in the team gets a birthday card and mine was missed.

There have been a couple of instances at drinks when I’ve expressed dissatisfaction to a couple people (just saying I don’t feel like I’m learning a lot or doing a lot) and I feel like they’ve gone to the team and bitched about me or something. It’s not a safe space let’s put it that way.

To make it worse, the guy who had my job before me, they all really loved him and go on and on about him. Kind of like when you go on a date with someone and they talk about their ex?

I feel like when I leave the room people talk about me. There have been a couple times I’ve done something different with my hair and no one will say anything but they will say it to each other, for example. For my part I will admit I am extremely shy and am not in the office as much as everyone else (initially because my commute with 3.5 hours) but now I have moved but now my mental health is really bad and some days I physically cannot bring myself to get out of bed and come in. I know it’s a bad look but I have depression and it’s really gotten worse recently. My heart is so heavy all the time and the days I go into the office, I just come home and cry. I am really struggling at the moment so would appreciate any thoughts. Apologies if this doesn’t make sense. There are so many nuances I could add but this post would be far too long.

There were a couple of instances when I first joined of really odd playground/mean girl behaviour which was hurtful caused me to completely retreat into myself. So from early on I was not very forthcoming or friendly - just very reserved and quiet. So I get why if I raised something formally the retort might be well you never engage with us and you never come in.

Ultimately my paranoia makes me think I am being iced out on purpose in hopes I will leave. That’s genuinely how it feels.

This sort of behaviour completely grinds my gears! I haven't been victim of it personally but have witnessed it in my job many, many times. Every single time I've witnessed it, I've called it out. There and then. If you worked with me lovely, I'd eat those hyenas up and spit them out. There is no place for bullying, in any setting.
I advise taking this up with HR however if you don't feel like that's an option then get yourself some work environment legal advice. No one on Earth has the right to make anyone feel so helpless and unwanted. This situation has to stop sweetheart.
Don't delay. You are worth more than this. This is how you feed and clothe and heat yourself and family if you have any dependents. They're trying to prevent you from doing that with dignity.
A fine example of evil this insidious conduct.
Sending my love to you

 

[emmer_moans]

Thank you. When the other passenger said to me when we were alone that she feels awful and is going to give money towards it, I just looked at her and said (because we don’t know for sure if our manager had the fine yet) well, let’s not do anything until we know for sure she has got a fine.
Turns out she, the manager, got home last night and had got her fine in the post yesterday while at work. 🫠 so now I won’t hear the end of it. Especially as she even says herself, she plays the single parent card.
Ffs.

I would say sorry, I've done my budget for the month and I wasn't expecting to have to contribute 20 quid unexpectedly. Say sorry but times are hard, etc, I have budgeted for my bills and food for the rest of the month.

 

[Forallthoseasking]

It feels like such a first world problem compared to most things but it honestly fills me with dread seeing them now because this is getting more common. And tbh, im sure she isn't enjoying this either!

Will bring it up with my other half later and see how he wants to handle things because I really don't want to make things awkward between him and his best mate but I also just want a grip on before it gets worse!
---

Sounds like she thinks you have an abundance of money and she is jealous. Although, I would rather have the supportive family ( my support network of my parents have both passed) because that is priceless.

1 million percent! Luckily my family are all still around but they do live in another country so I'd love to have them nearby. I think she underestimates the non-money value in that sort of thing

 

[Kim Mild]

God I'm exhausted today so need a vent because I can't vent to my partner on this topic.

We went to see his best friend and wife today. I'm going to call her Laura.

Laura and I get along but we don't have much in common, just very different people, nothing bad. However things always get a bit awkward on anything to do with money.

Basically, fiance and I make good money. I probably make what both Laura and her husband do combined. However they have loads of supportive family nearby who do 80% of the childcare for their little boy for free and her stepdad paid for half their wedding. They may not make much but they get support! My fiance and I do not have that sort of support so every expense is paid for by us and usually we end up having to prop up family in emergencies.

I got laid off in early 2023 and was out of work for most of the year so my savings took a hit and our wedding plans got scaled back as much as they could, mostly on things like invites. Rather than go to a stationer, we got a Vistaprint black Friday deal for example. No matter how much money you make, having 9 months with no pay and a wedding to plan/pay for is stressful.

Laura will make comments like "oh I didn't think YOU would even think of something like Vistaprint for your wedding?" or "surely you'll want the Instagram vibe £1000 cake" which I usually just brush off to not cause a scene.

Today though, general talk turns to kids in future and she was saying about how tough money was over mat leave. I'm empathetically nodding along as I'm also worried about that in future when my time comes. My fiance then says something about how I have been saying the same and one thing I was sad about being laid off was that my old company had a great maternity package but that is no more. Laura then turns to me and says, in a pretty aggressive tone, "well you don't need to worry about stuff like that do you? With the amount you two are on??".

Bear in mind, she doesn't actually know how much we make unless she has researched how much our sort of jobs pay.

I was pretty stunned because it felt like she wanted a fight or to prove a point? I said nothing and her husband moved the chat along quickly. We then left not long after.

I just feel like the more time I spend with this girl, the more comments like this come up and the less I like her. Its not like I'm walking in wearing designer clothes or flashing a set of Ferrari keys or something when I see her I don't know what to do because she is the wife of the guy who will be my future husbands best man so she's gonna be about for a long time!

Sounds like she thinks you have an abundance of money and she is jealous. Although, I would rather have the supportive family ( my support network of my parents have both passed) because that is priceless.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

I would say no the partner is not welcome. Offer to tell the partner yourself if friend is finding it too hard.
I’ve made the mistake in the past of letting a friend bring a partner that weren’t invited and he just took over. Never again

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

God I'm exhausted today so need a vent because I can't vent to my partner on this topic.

We went to see his best friend and wife today. I'm going to call her Laura.

Laura and I get along but we don't have much in common, just very different people, nothing bad. However things always get a bit awkward on anything to do with money.

Basically, fiance and I make good money. I probably make what both Laura and her husband do combined. However they have loads of supportive family nearby who do 80% of the childcare for their little boy for free and her stepdad paid for half their wedding. They may not make much but they get support! My fiance and I do not have that sort of support so every expense is paid for by us and usually we end up having to prop up family in emergencies.

I got laid off in early 2023 and was out of work for most of the year so my savings took a hit and our wedding plans got scaled back as much as they could, mostly on things like invites. Rather than go to a stationer, we got a Vistaprint black Friday deal for example. No matter how much money you make, having 9 months with no pay and a wedding to plan/pay for is stressful.

Laura will make comments like "oh I didn't think YOU would even think of something like Vistaprint for your wedding?" or "surely you'll want the Instagram vibe £1000 cake" which I usually just brush off to not cause a scene.

Today though, general talk turns to kids in future and she was saying about how tough money was over mat leave. I'm empathetically nodding along as I'm also worried about that in future when my time comes. My fiance then says something about how I have been saying the same and one thing I was sad about being laid off was that my old company had a great maternity package but that is no more. Laura then turns to me and says, in a pretty aggressive tone, "well you don't need to worry about stuff like that do you? With the amount you two are on??".

Bear in mind, she doesn't actually know how much we make unless she has researched how much our sort of jobs pay.

I was pretty stunned because it felt like she wanted a fight or to prove a point? I said nothing and her husband moved the chat along quickly. We then left not long after.

I just feel like the more time I spend with this girl, the more comments like this come up and the less I like her. Its not like I'm walking in wearing designer clothes or flashing a set of Ferrari keys or something when I see her I don't know what to do because she is the wife of the guy who will be my future husbands best man so she's gonna be about for a long time!

I’ve been in the same position and at some point you will need to say something.
After the last passive aggresive comment like that I got I just said “I don’t know why people think we are rolling in it. People don’t know our situation”
Something to that affect and it was never brought up again. Or alternatively ask Mr F to speak to his best friend about the comments. I’m sure if it’s his best friend he probably knows things aren’t all sunshine and roses.

 

[gossqueen1989]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

This was planned originally as you and your friend seeing as you don’t see each other often I’m sure she would understand that it’s quality time with a friend and to say to her partner that. I hope you get sorted

 

[jojida]

This is a bit of a petty rant from me and I'm so aware that it's ridiculous, but...

I have changed my office in work from a downstairs office to an upstairs office in the same building. There are toilets on both floors and, as there hadn't been any women on the top floor until I started up there, the guys (3 young men aged between 23 and 28, all definitely identifying as men) had designated the ladies loo as their 'number 2' toilet as it is double doored. This was fine when no women were up there but now I, a woman, would like my own toilet on the floor I work on. I have IBS and so sometimes I'm literally not able to go downstairs to use the bathroom there as it's a matter of urgency...

However, they think I'm being unreasonable and want to keep using both of the upstairs toilets. It's getting so frustrating as they leave it in a STATE - I'm talking eye watering - and they can't seem to grasp that I want my own toilet. I'm at my wits end as I just want to be able to use a bathroom of my own ffs

 

[Forallthoseasking]

I’ve been in the same position and at some point you will need to say something.
After the last passive aggresive comment like that I got I just said “I don’t know why people think we are rolling in it. People don’t know our situation”
Something to that affect and it was never brought up again. Or alternatively ask Mr F to speak to his best friend about the comments. I’m sure if it’s his best friend he probably knows things aren’t all sunshine and roses.

I may take that line and keep it in my back pocket!

But yeah, on the getting the Mr's to chat - I had a chat with my other half about it today and he completely agreed it was out of order yesterday and was going to bring it up with me that he wanted to speak to his mate. He said he didn't think much of previous comments before because he figured it was just in jest or a bit of piss taking but yesterday was a new level.

We kind of analyzed things and came to our conclusion that it has gotten worse since we bought our house as that was probably the realization point for her that we had more money. When they owned a house and we were broke in our tiny rental in Manchester, she probably assumed we were on the same as her. Instead we were just saving to get out of the city!

 

[gossqueen1989]

Do everything within your power to see her face to face on her own before the wedding. This sounds like Domestic Violence and Coercive Control. Both criminal offences.

Speak to her family. Speak to her other long term friends. If other people see this issue you all need to band together and let her know she has a safety net and people are there to help her if she wants to leave. She might not be able to at this point but if you do it gently, she’ll never forget and will find you when she is able to make a break.

It’s difficult to do this as he has moved her away from the area “half way” between there homes but when I suggest going to. Meet for coffee I don’t get a reply, I don’t know her address she had broke connections with a lot of people in our group of friends but I still kept in touch but was horrified to see this infront of my eyes on holiday

 

[tomato_paste]

My eldest brother can be a thoughtless twit and showed it again this weekend. I have had issues with body dysmorphia and depression due to total hair loss for over 30 years. I tried on a new wig on Friday (for the style as my hairdresser and I agree red suits me best), which was white with grey/blue in it. Most people on my social media have raved, a few saying it didn't suit me, and it's cool as I don't like the colour. I showed my brother and he laughed at it, when I showed him the colour it will come in the response was "do you get the makeover that goes with it"?! I never wear make up as burns my skin, and he didn't even think how that makes me feel. So gone backwards this weekend feeling a freak and thinking people are laughing behind my back again.

Why believe one person that is being hurtful on purpose when so many have told you they like it? I know, I know, it isn't easy - but consider how many people told you it was cool just not for them too, if your brain is trying to make you think they wouldn't be truthful.

Just never ask for his opinion on anything again, ok? He doesn't deserve your time and he's being disrespectful. Is he one of those "brutally honest" type of guys? Because he sure sounds like someone with zero social skills.

 

[Stressed]

Trying to get some information on the end date of an insurance policy when I can't remember the log in details. Apparently my husband needs to contact them even though its a joint policy. I honestly think the dog knows as much about the policy details as my husband...

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

This doesn't warrant a separate thread so I'll post here.

I come from a fairly drama free family (before now). I left home years ago. My parents have been married nearly 40 years. No breakups in that time.

Now all of a sudden my father has had an affair and is living two lives, coming and going as he pleases and still hasn't made his mind up about divorce. My mother, is absolutely reeling in shock, is hurt, and confused. My father acts surprised that she didn't see it coming and is basically trying to blame her for everything and starting to play stupid mind games. Ive confronted him and basically got told to keep my nose out of his business.

Now I know it is not my responsibility to fix anything. But, what I want to know is how do you deal with this as a family bystander? One is playing emotional mind games with the other and I feel so crap at helping my mother.

My family never had the ups and downs others seemed to have when I was growing up, so I have no experience on how to navigate the drama.


---
Edited: to make a bit more anonymous/ cut out excess details

Not a similar situation but I also come from a drama free family. Honestly so lucky growing up.

Then my dad passed away and my mum has become an absolute nightmare. My brother and his wife live with her so it’sna constant source of drama and I’ve found it incredibly difficult to deal with, this is ongoing for 8 years

What I have found is to be supportive to my mum who needs and outlet for her anger/depression/etc but I absolutely do not get involved with their day to day life.

My suggestion would be to do the same. Listen to your mum and be supportive but do not interfere in their relationship. Ultimately they are adults who are also just human, faults and all.