Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

[allthingschocolate]

Really need to rant! I was expecting a delivery today from yodel I had a text today at short notice with a 11-1pm timeframe fortunately I was in but that came and went, tracked the driver he was close to my address hours ago and it said I was next to be delivered to, the online chat thing is crap they cant contact the driver apparently so what’s the point why don’t they communicate if they can’t fulfil your delivery or inform you if they can’t deliver your item on the day they are utter crap! Also I sold something online the guys being an utter twat and has asked me twice if he can change the collection date despite me saying I’m unavailable but he also wanted to collect from me at 9pm at night?! Erm I don’t think so I’m a female and I live alone with my kid and nobody is coming to my door at that time of a night especially not someone I don’t know seriously what is wrong with people

 

[jnh24]

This doesn't warrant a separate thread so I'll post here.

I come from a fairly drama free family (before now). I am early 30s, left home 12 years ago. My parents have been married 38 years. No breakups in that time.

Now all of a sudden my father has had an affair and is living two lives, coming and going as he pleases and still hasn't made his mind up about divorce. My mother, is is absolutely reeling in shock, is hurt, and confused. My father acts surprised that she didn't see it coming and is basically trying to blame her for everything and starting to play stupid mind games. Ive confronted him and basically got told to keep my nose out of his business.

Now I know it is not my responsibility to fix anything. But, what I want to know is how do you deal with this as a family bystander? One is playing emotional mind games with the other and I feel so crap at helping my mother.

My family never had the ups and downs others seemed to have when I was growing up, so I have no experience on how to navigate the drama.

I have signposted my mother to Citizens advice, friends who have been in similar boat, etc etc but she's not ready to tell anyone apparently, and still thinks there is a chance of reconciliation whereas my father is acting like that's not going to happen. Yes, it's THEIR business and issue to solve but my mother is quite vulnerable and terrible at advocating for herself in conflict. She's absolutely blindsided.

How do you help as the adult daughter in this scenario? I'm worried sick.

Please no nastiness, I've barely slept, I just want to hear how you helped your parents or friends start the process of separation. They have joint assets but would be skint AF if they divorce, and I don't have the means to help financially.

I’m so sorry for you. Just before covid my parents separated and had to live together through lockdown and finally divorced in 2021 after 27 years married. A lot has come out about what’s gone on in the past and it’s been really hard at times with one parent threatening suicide.

I do have a younger brother, but as the eldest I was stuck in the middle and spent the entire time as the middle man. Neither would speak to each other and I was the communicator between the two. I hated how they both put my in this position.

Now we’re a couple years after it all, I’m still adjusting. Not sure how we even got through it if I’m honest, but we all have. Both parents have now bought new properties and it’s becoming more normal. I dislike Christmas now and birthdays etc. My Mum is so much happier, however, I think my Dad regrets it. Just take one day at a time. You aren’t alone and in a funny sort of way it’s really changed my outlook on life.

 

[really_whythough]

I have worked for the same company for nearly three years now, with two of those years being in a secretarial role and the last six months having moved over to a professional service role which involves studying for exams and gaining a qualification which is really different to what I've done before, but has great progression opportunities once I've spent three years doing those exams.

I am really, really struggling. I'm trying my hardest not to get into the mindset of hating my job, but at the moment it seems to be going that way. I don't like how much the pressure has increased and I don't particularly enjoy what I do. I also have to fund my own qualification which is proving to be really expensive (work would usually pay for this, but it would have meant taking a considerable pay cut of around £8k a year which we can't afford) so either way it's sort of lose-lose.

I would love my old job role back but it isn't possible as we have rehired for it, so I think my only option would really be to go elsewhere. I do have a great partner of the firm who wants to see us all succeed and she had said before that if this didn't work out for me, she'd find somewhere else for me to go in the firm but my old job role is already overstaffed as we have one poor secretary in the pool that is just basically a spare part already (and shes only part time compared to my full). I have an appraisal due around the end of March in which I get to discuss everything with the partner then, but I'm now wondering if I should stick it out and see the outcome of my appraisal, or if I should begin to apply for other roles and update my CV and see if I can have a back-up option available for if things really don't get better. I love my firm but it can be archaic, with little benefits for things like maternity or parental leave, no sick pay, etc and my new role just isn't really what I expected it to be whatsoever, with loads of external pressure as I can't study for my exams during the working day etc and so find myself with just zero free time.

I find some of the people I work with to be quite draining too as I definitely don't gel with one of the people who I share an office with as I find his opinions really misogynistic, racist and generally bigoted.

I would normally sit down and discuss this kind of thing with my partner but he has recently experienced a bereavement which is really affecting him and I had the revelation of just how much I dislike my job at the same time as this bereavement. I don't then want to hassle him with my issues when it's so fresh for him, so wondered if anyone here has been through the same or similar and what worked best for them.

Sorry to hear you are going through all that. I’m afraid I don’t have experience to share as I’m self-employed but if I were you. I’d use the March review date as a sort of fork in the road…

Use this time to prepare yourself to raise the issues with your employer and to be ready to go down one path if they improve things as you need them to or another if they don’t.


Updating your CV and getting in the right mindset for a career move is great to do whether you end up moving or not. It will help you assess your own worth and achievements and stand you in good stead to negotiate.


If someone in the office is expressing views that are racist/bigoted/etc keep a thorough log of this as they need to act to stop that, for everyone’s sake.

Sending you strength!

 

[JadeyJ]

same i struggle hugely in the period between christmas and new year (and i HATE new years in general): i can’t focus on anything good and just think about what i didn’t do last year and (like you say) all the horrible stuff that is bound to happen to me next year. i can’t wait until we’re actually into january and the actual new year stuff can stop.

sending you lots of love not long before the night is done and we can move forward x

It’s an awful feeling isn’t it and trying to hide it so not to bring others down.

Thanks so much 🩷 sending you massive hugs xx

 

[doodlebug]

Hi all, have posted on these threads before and you were all really lovely and helpful.

Not sure if there is a specific thread for work drama but this seems the most active thread for venting. I’ll try to keep it short so in summary I started a new job at the end of last year and it has been hell.

I am the most junior member of a small team and my main problem is that no one works with me. My work is dependent on being given things to do by the rest of the team due to the nature of my role (I can’t be autonomous). I feel like shit because I’m not learning or growing at all because I’ve been sidelined to admin only despite this not being what was promised. It wasn’t this bad when I first started but in March, a new guy of similar seniority to me was seconded to our team and everyone pounced on him in lieu of me ever since then I haven’t gotten a look in. I even got taken off something I was working on so he could have it as it would be “good experience for him”.

It’s been brewing for a while but I have reached breaking point. I’ve never been in this position before why I’ve been iced out by an entire team and left to twiddle my thumbs. This one woman treats me like her PA and only ever asks me to do things that are borderline insulting. I wouldn’t even mind if she worked with me otherwise but she doesn’t.

Recently it’s become apparent to me just how bad it is because the other guy I mentioned will be completely slammed but people still will not come to me for work, and I’ve been left with very little to do. I raised it with our team leader but she didn’t have much sympathy (she’s guilty of this too and tbh is pretty much the person telling everyone to work with this other guy). She was just like, it’s a time of change for our team (which it is as we just acquired another company and our team is expanding) and she just said to make sure I let the new team leader know I’m ready and willing to go - but it doesn’t really fix the original issue that everyone on our original team seems to have an issue with me. I feel like everyone knows something I don’t. My line manager who isn’t in my team and I was able to open up to him about the situation as he’s not directly involved. He was very kind and just advised me to speak to our team leader, which I did.

There is one person in our team who does work with me but she is legit the only one. It’s almost embarrassing because I can tell she feels sorry for me. I plan on also telling her; I tried to over teams on Friday but she wasn’t really getting it. Is it ok to outright ask her if she knows what the deal is with the rest of the team? Because there’s no way she doesn’t see it too.

Spoiler: Other stuff

My main gripe is my career as I feel so stuck and like I can’t progress here. However, socially things are really bad too and I feel like an outsider. I’m often left off of invites/emails and find out information from people not even in my team. For example, there have been two social events where I was accidentally left off the invite and only found out something was happening when someone else innocently brought it up and I had no idea what they were talking about. Everyone in the team gets a birthday card and mine was missed.

There have been a couple of instances at drinks when I’ve expressed dissatisfaction to a couple people (just saying I don’t feel like I’m learning a lot or doing a lot) and I feel like they’ve gone to the team and bitched about me or something. It’s not a safe space let’s put it that way.

To make it worse, the guy who had my job before me, they all really loved him and go on and on about him. Kind of like when you go on a date with someone and they talk about their ex?

I feel like when I leave the room people talk about me. There have been a couple times I’ve done something different with my hair and no one will say anything but they will say it to each other, for example. For my part I will admit I am extremely shy and am not in the office as much as everyone else (initially because my commute with 3.5 hours) but now I have moved but now my mental health is really bad and some days I physically cannot bring myself to get out of bed and come in. I know it’s a bad look but I have depression and it’s really gotten worse recently. My heart is so heavy all the time and the days I go into the office, I just come home and cry. I am really struggling at the moment so would appreciate any thoughts. Apologies if this doesn’t make sense. There are so many nuances I could add but this post would be far too long.

There were a couple of instances when I first joined of really odd playground/mean girl behaviour which was hurtful caused me to completely retreat into myself. So from early on I was not very forthcoming or friendly - just very reserved and quiet. So I get why if I raised something formally the retort might be well you never engage with us and you never come in.

Ultimately my paranoia makes me think I am being iced out on purpose in hopes I will leave. That’s genuinely how it feels.

 

[FoksiOska]

My 15 month old has completely forgotten how to sleep at night it would seem. This has been going on for weeks.
I know its normal and probably developmental blah blah blah but fucking hell it is tough. I also know I'm not alone and there's thousands of parents going through this too however its hard not to feel alone when you're sat in your chair in the middle of the night desperately trying to get them off to sleep, only for them to start screaming as soon as they're back in their cot.
I need to vent, because I don't know how much longer I can take this.

 

[princessmaire80]

I have a really trivial problem compared to some on here but I could do with a bit of impartial advice.
I have a good friend who lives at the other end of the country. Due to this I don’t see her much. She has no family so I’m her next of kin as well.
Recently she’s met a new partner. Things have been a little rocky but they seem okay at the moment. I have met this new partner and neither of us have any issues with the other, all good there.
It’s my friend’s birthday next month and before she met her partner we had arranged that we would go to a sporting fixture together, and that I would pay for the hotel, drinks and dinner as a birthday gift (the ticket is free as I’m a wheelchair user and so she goes free as my companion) This is a rare treat for friend as she is unable to work due to severe disability, so she doesn’t have a lot of cash. I am also severely disabled but lucky enough that I can still work.
However she was due to see her partner the weekend of this fixture, and was intending to get the train over the day after our evening out. But partner has now said they want to come and sit in the hotel room and wait for us to come back (we need separate rooms due to our respective medical conditions)
Now I know that it’s not going to work like that, and also would I be completely unreasonable by saying right, if she’s going to come and sit in the room, she can pay towards it as I’m paying for my friend not for her?! She is working, she has a good job and is not short of cash so it won’t be an issue for her. There’s no chance that the partner could come to the sporting fixture but I have a feeling that the night will be cut short as said partner will start whinging (she’s got a lot of form for this) I would feel bad for my friend as it’s supposed to be her birthday celebration.
Do I a) put my foot down entirely and say no, if she comes I don’t;
B) say okay fine whatever but if she comes she can contribute towards the room;
C) just do nothing? I don’t know if I’m being totally unreasonable but I object to paying out loads of money to feel like a gooseberry, especially when originally my friend agreed totally to tell her she couldn’t come. And also it’s going to be at least 4-5 months before I get to see my friend again.
Advice would be appreciated!

 

[Forallthoseasking]

God I'm exhausted today so need a vent because I can't vent to my partner on this topic.

We went to see his best friend and wife today. I'm going to call her Laura.

Laura and I get along but we don't have much in common, just very different people, nothing bad. However things always get a bit awkward on anything to do with money.

Basically, fiance and I make good money. I probably make what both Laura and her husband do combined. However they have loads of supportive family nearby who do 80% of the childcare for their little boy for free and her stepdad paid for half their wedding. They may not make much but they get support! My fiance and I do not have that sort of support so every expense is paid for by us and usually we end up having to prop up family in emergencies.

I got laid off in early 2023 and was out of work for most of the year so my savings took a hit and our wedding plans got scaled back as much as they could, mostly on things like invites. Rather than go to a stationer, we got a Vistaprint black Friday deal for example. No matter how much money you make, having 9 months with no pay and a wedding to plan/pay for is stressful.

Laura will make comments like "oh I didn't think YOU would even think of something like Vistaprint for your wedding?" or "surely you'll want the Instagram vibe £1000 cake" which I usually just brush off to not cause a scene.

Today though, general talk turns to kids in future and she was saying about how tough money was over mat leave. I'm empathetically nodding along as I'm also worried about that in future when my time comes. My fiance then says something about how I have been saying the same and one thing I was sad about being laid off was that my old company had a great maternity package but that is no more. Laura then turns to me and says, in a pretty aggressive tone, "well you don't need to worry about stuff like that do you? With the amount you two are on??".

Bear in mind, she doesn't actually know how much we make unless she has researched how much our sort of jobs pay.

I was pretty stunned because it felt like she wanted a fight or to prove a point? I said nothing and her husband moved the chat along quickly. We then left not long after.

I just feel like the more time I spend with this girl, the more comments like this come up and the less I like her. Its not like I'm walking in wearing designer clothes or flashing a set of Ferrari keys or something when I see her I don't know what to do because she is the wife of the guy who will be my future husbands best man so she's gonna be about for a long time!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Even if there was nothing else you CAN still grieve about your dad. What an absolutely ignorant, insensitive comment.

People need to think about their words, STILL, and JUST, and words like this which twist a sentence. If she just said family stuff happening? It hits soooooo differently. Adding that word adds judgement and no one has the right to judge people's reactions to stress, grief, difficulties in life.

Your reaction is who you are, its the childhood traumas youve lived through, the baggage you carry from broken promises, heartbreaks, illnesses and loss. It absolutely infuriates me... sorry i feel like im derailing to get out of my pram about it but people have done the same to me in the past and its just bullshit!

Anyway, i hope you are feeling ok despite ALL the family things. Whatever you're feeling is valid.

It’s weird I thought about this yesterday. About what people say and how others receive it.
I came to the conclusions both can be in the right or in the wrong. Because like you said we are the product of our environments and experiences. Factor in the fact when you are emotional etc and a simple comment can really cause damage

 

[JustHereForTheAgriculture]

I’m so very sorry this has happened to you.
Rejection is an awful feeling, even more so if it’s by people we care about.
How did you find out? Was it said to you maliciously?

It might be worth talking it over with your aunt. Is the reason a 100% certainty?

Thank you. I think it threw me so much because it was about my disability. Had it have been something less personal, maybe it wouldn’t have affected me so much.

I didn’t find out in a malicious way. It was actually my sister who told me. I felt awful because apparently she found out as a teenager so that must have been hard.

It does seem pretty certain so I don’t think there’d be much point in bringing it up. I imagine if she were to apologise or anything it would feel more like ‘sorry you found out’ kind of thing.
But I don’t know.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I'm so disappointed in myself. I always compare myself to people who graduated with me and have made big moves and thrive in their career while i only got jobs that are a total joke and currently staying at home... it really affects my self esteem...

Try to look on the other side of the coin too. There will be people doing worse. When I feel like I haven’t achieved enough I remind myself some of my classmates have already passed away and there are a few really struggling and/or homeless.

It puts things in perspective when you don’t compare yourself to the top but seeing how bad things could’ve been

 

[Kim Mild]

Feeling quite down and angry. Often can pinpoint this to hormone but not this time. I now wonder if I'm actually just being treated unfairly.

 

[really_whythough]

Thank you, yes I’ve got some time off next week and have been saying to my husband that I would like to do two nights at one of the local hotels that have family rooms. He’s very reticent about it I don’t think he realises just how on the floor my MH is. I will look up Dr Neff, thanks so much for your reply, I genuinely appreciate your words.

I’ve had similar with my partner, we’re both going through stuff and he just doesn’t seek comfort or rest in the same way as me. Plus MH is so personal, sometimes people really just can’t understand.

If a little break doesn’t seem to be a priority for him, could you just make it a priority for you?

I spent literally one night house/plant sitting for a friend and just not being surrounded my stuff and usual situation gave me a slight mental gear change. Still have the same to deal with but even a few hours outside of routine helped.

Go super easy on yourself today and if another dreaded zoom meeting gets into the schedule, maybe you’ll experience an internet outage?!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I need your advice guys and girls. Reading reddit drives me insane because of hateful comments about Russians. The level of hatred is something I can't deal with. I cry every day, I'm angry every day, and I feel like me mental health is broken. I realize that I need to see a doctor, but honestly, I don't see how it could help me (I might be wrong, though!); I think it's more important that I need to change the way how I think and react emotionally, and meds will only make me drowsy... Can you please convince me to stop obsessively reading reddit and hateful comments? This is my main problem, I suffer from it but can't control it. I used to read a lot of books, but nowadays I can't focus on any book for 5 minutes. Literally any advice, any words of support would be much appreciated! I love all of you, best forum out there.

You need somethinf to distract you. A hobby or visiting friends etc. When I had severe anxiety I found journalling really helped. Also spending time in nature ie walking.
If you can’t resist your phone you can get an apps that will lock your phone so you can’t use the apps. Even better if you can delete the Reddit app for now

 

[tomato_paste]

Seriously if men got this, there would be whole districts providing menstrual aid services and they’d work a 3 week month maximum.

And they'd still pretend they're the more "logical" gender

 

[really_whythough]

so last year I suggested a close friend and her partner to go on holiday with us, he turned so abusive towards her at night when we were out the first 2 nights then she started dodging us at every chance. We barely spoke and it wasn’t the holiday my friend was planning I noticed a lot of bruising when she walked by us barely able to look at me, at the end of the holiday we never even spoke at airport so I tried several times to arrange meeting up with her after no reply to messages at the time then all of a sudden after weeks I’d get a reply your message was muted dunno why… asked me to go wedding dress shopping booked the time of work… silence again another reply you were muted, am I crazy thinking he gets access to her phone and does this or is she ignoring me? Get a message inviting me to hen party then silence seen recently she had her hen party none of her friends that I recognise but the husband to be stuck there, I’m not seeing anything on my feed unless I go into her timeline. She messaged asking for my address for the invite to be posted but I never got it, I am sick with worry about it I get the feeling he is cutting her off from her friends. Her wedding is coming up this weekend I’m obviously not invited but I can’t stop worrying she making a huge mistake any advice appreciated thanks

Do everything within your power to see her face to face on her own before the wedding. This sounds like Domestic Violence and Coercive Control. Both criminal offences.

Speak to her family. Speak to her other long term friends. If other people see this issue you all need to band together and let her know she has a safety net and people are there to help her if she wants to leave. She might not be able to at this point but if you do it gently, she’ll never forget and will find you when she is able to make a break.

 

[Forallthoseasking]

A bit of a lighter vent today but WHY is free Spotify so terrible and getting worse by the day??

I don't use Spotify that much (I'll have a month of constant use then 4 months of nothing) so to save some money I figured I would cancel my subscription as it was going up in price again.

I go to play some Dua Lipa this morning while getting ready and it brings up Rod Stewart and a survey question about higher education?? I just want to listen to Levitate in peace dammit

 

[JadeyJ]

God I'm exhausted today so need a vent because I can't vent to my partner on this topic.

We went to see his best friend and wife today. I'm going to call her Laura.

Laura and I get along but we don't have much in common, just very different people, nothing bad. However things always get a bit awkward on anything to do with money.

Basically, fiance and I make good money. I probably make what both Laura and her husband do combined. However they have loads of supportive family nearby who do 80% of the childcare for their little boy for free and her stepdad paid for half their wedding. They may not make much but they get support! My fiance and I do not have that sort of support so every expense is paid for by us and usually we end up having to prop up family in emergencies.

I got laid off in early 2023 and was out of work for most of the year so my savings took a hit and our wedding plans got scaled back as much as they could, mostly on things like invites. Rather than go to a stationer, we got a Vistaprint black Friday deal for example. No matter how much money you make, having 9 months with no pay and a wedding to plan/pay for is stressful.

Laura will make comments like "oh I didn't think YOU would even think of something like Vistaprint for your wedding?" or "surely you'll want the Instagram vibe £1000 cake" which I usually just brush off to not cause a scene.

Today though, general talk turns to kids in future and she was saying about how tough money was over mat leave. I'm empathetically nodding along as I'm also worried about that in future when my time comes. My fiance then says something about how I have been saying the same and one thing I was sad about being laid off was that my old company had a great maternity package but that is no more. Laura then turns to me and says, in a pretty aggressive tone, "well you don't need to worry about stuff like that do you? With the amount you two are on??".

Bear in mind, she doesn't actually know how much we make unless she has researched how much our sort of jobs pay.

I was pretty stunned because it felt like she wanted a fight or to prove a point? I said nothing and her husband moved the chat along quickly. We then left not long after.

I just feel like the more time I spend with this girl, the more comments like this come up and the less I like her. Its not like I'm walking in wearing designer clothes or flashing a set of Ferrari keys or something when I see her I don't know what to do because she is the wife of the guy who will be my future husbands best man so she's gonna be about for a long time!

She sounds like the green eyed monster is eating her up. Even if you were driving a Ferrari and wearing designer clothes, you earned that money and can spend it on whatever you like, it’s none of her business. I have no solutions because I experience it myself, I do find it therapeutic to stick 2 fingers up at them when we part company though!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I would say sorry, I've done my budget for the month and I wasn't expecting to have to contribute 20 quid unexpectedly. Say sorry but times are hard, etc, I have budgeted for my bills and food for the rest of the month.

I did think that. We got paid today as well 🥲

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Posted on other threads but I also need to let it out as I can’t talk to friends or family about this
Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a shit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.

It sounds like he might be suffering from depression with what happened. You will need to sit down and discuss this, especially if it's a strain on the household finances.
These conversations are difficult at the best of times so go into it deciding to be calm and non-combative no matter how irate he might get. Personally I would set an agreed date he needs a job by or he will need to move out