Support for anyone that needs to vent #4

[really_whythough]

It’s difficult to do this as he has moved her away from the area “half way” between there homes but when I suggest going to. Meet for coffee I don’t get a reply, I don’t know her address she had broke connections with a lot of people in our group of friends but I still kept in touch but was horrified to see this infront of my eyes on holiday

Do you know where her family are? Do you know where she works?

 

[karpusha]

I need your advice guys and girls. Reading reddit drives me insane because of hateful comments about Russians. The level of hatred is something I can't deal with. I cry every day, I'm angry every day, and I feel like me mental health is broken. I realize that I need to see a doctor, but honestly, I don't see how it could help me (I might be wrong, though!); I think it's more important that I need to change the way how I think and react emotionally, and meds will only make me drowsy... Can you please convince me to stop obsessively reading reddit and hateful comments? This is my main problem, I suffer from it but can't control it. I used to read a lot of books, but nowadays I can't focus on any book for 5 minutes. Literally any advice, any words of support would be much appreciated! I love all of you, best forum out there.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Why is every hobby these days just another extension of work? Like, let me be shitty at knitting in peace, I don't want nor need a side hustle and I'm not striving for perfection here - all I want is to have fun!

Fucking commodification, everything's for profit these days and I'm fucking sick of it.

Excuse me while I go hide in the corner

whispers *I love money and will sell any old shit for money*

 

[gossqueen1989]

so last year I suggested a close friend and her partner to go on holiday with us, he turned so abusive towards her at night when we were out the first 2 nights then she started dodging us at every chance. We barely spoke and it wasn’t the holiday my friend was planning I noticed a lot of bruising when she walked by us barely able to look at me, at the end of the holiday we never even spoke at airport so I tried several times to arrange meeting up with her after no reply to messages at the time then all of a sudden after weeks I’d get a reply your message was muted dunno why… asked me to go wedding dress shopping booked the time of work… silence again another reply you were muted, am I crazy thinking he gets access to her phone and does this or is she ignoring me? Get a message inviting me to hen party then silence seen recently she had her hen party none of her friends that I recognise but the husband to be stuck there, I’m not seeing anything on my feed unless I go into her timeline. She messaged asking for my address for the invite to be posted but I never got it, I am sick with worry about it I get the feeling he is cutting her off from her friends. Her wedding is coming up this weekend I’m obviously not invited but I can’t stop worrying she making a huge mistake any advice appreciated thanks

 

[tomato_paste]

Excuse me while I go hide in the corner

whispers *I love money and will sell any old shit for money*

Nah don't get me wrong, glad that people have more avenues to sell their stuff with the internet, but, especially if you're into crafts, people try and convince you to flog your stuff on Etsy or wherever.

 

[MacPishFlaps]

Im so sorry for your losses and having to be there for your poor mum while still in early grief over your friend.

I’ve found it helpful to go to work and try for short periods to ‘switch off’ deep sadnesses, make sure to allow yourself plenty of other space and time to feel your feelings though. Perhaps work can be where you really show up for yourself and your role?

Take detailed verbatim notes about whatever your boss says in case you need it in future. Might be worth questioning it in email after he’s said it out loud as if he’s breaking any legislation he’ll quickly backtrack.

sending hugs. Xx

Thank you so much. Today was pretty awful at work, one half of the office is avoiding me as they don't know what to say re my friend dying and my boss didn't speak a word to me!

You are absolutely right though, work is where I thrive and I have carved out an excellent career over 24 years in the same sector. Anything my boss suggests, he will be advised to put it in writing. You can't change someone's role while they are signed off and also, a bit of compassion wouldn't go a miss. Maybe let me get my feet in the door before you start talking about job changes!

 

[cuttle90]

Looks like you're struggling with boundaries with your mum and the narc, otherwise you'd not feel the need to lie about it. I totally get it btw, sometimes it's just easier to lie about stuff than deal with the demands on your time when people find out you have "free" time. But it's not healthy, you should feel free to say you had the day off and leave it at that - which tells you a lot about how your relationships with them are not great.

Also, like, total overreaction from your mum, and the stalker shit from your ex is creepy AF.

Setting boundaries is something you need to practice just like anything in life; nobody is born a natural boundary setter. Also, healthily adjusted adults aren't mad at you for setting a boundary and will simply accept it. I have narc parents and they're the ones who rail against my boundaries, get angry with me for saying no, try to needle and manipulate me into doing what they want me to do.

You know who doesn't? My well adjusted friends. Yeah, they ask stuff off me as do I off them, but when I'm busy or not in the mood I say "Sorry, that won't work for me" and they say, "cool, maybe next time". And the funny thing is, with narcs you have to be sooooo careful not to JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). But with my friends I WANT to do that. I tell them honestly why I don't have time - even if it's just because I feel like vegging out on the sofa - and they totally get it and ask me if I'm ok instead.

Mabe writing down your healthy relationships and how they compare to the ones where you feel the need to lie is a good start?

Also, don't be surprised in the future if you find that a lot of the time, your boundaries don't need to be articulated as verociously as you have to with narcs. Regular people don't push and push and push until you explode. It takes time to learn, but you'll get there.

Wow, this is enlightening.
You are so correct - I need to read and re-read and process but thank you so much.

 

[I_mean_reaaaalllly]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and by the sounds of it quite by yourself. It's such a hard place to be in, the anger, the grief, the tiredness, the utter sadness of it all. I'm so so sorry love, sending you tons of hugs if you want them, and strength and a peaceful cup of tea so you can catch a breath.

Can you find it within yourself to carve out some time for just you, even if it is just to sit and grieve? Even if your partner doesn't "get" mental health I think he needs to step up here if he isn't already and make that possible for you. Which means taking care of the small things that pile up, like the chores and the shopping and the homework and so on, but also possibly managing your interactions with your mum. Is she lucid enough to put on a mask towards outsiders? I know it's not her fault she's so nasty towards you but some people in her situation tend to mask towards less familiar people still, the ingrained habit of not being too open with people who aren't immediate family. Maybe he can answer the phone instead of you for a bit, because you're "busy". Or maybe he will finally understand more of what's happening instead, which would also not be a bad outcome.

There is always the option of not answering the phone but I guess that is a hard choice to make because we do worry for them and it's easier to be hurt than hurt them, because they don't understand.

Do you maybe have the option to do some grief counseling or talk to a therapist? Or maybe there are support groups around you where you can speak to people who understand and have gone through this too.

About your kids - I'd say be as honest as you can with them (in an age appropriate way of course). Mental health issues are an illness and the more they understand that, the easier it will be for them. Gran's very very ill and it makes her nasty and unkind. Doesn't mean they can't love her, because if they had a good relationship with her before they probably do; it just means that they need to love themselves more and stay away for their own protection. And assure them that it's not on them to manage this, or their feelings about this, by themselves. Have an open door policy when it comes to questions about her, and do share your feelings with them, let them know they're not alone with missing her or hating her sometimes for her behaviour or any of those big big emotions kids feel. Make space for their feelings if you can.

And finally, how much of your mum's care rests on you shoulders? Is there anything that can be done to get more professional help to take some of that load off your shoulders? Any meds she could take that might help her stay calm? I know Lithium has fallen out of favour a bit but it sometimes can be very helpful when people are so deeply stuck in their psychosis. Additionally, has she been evaluated for dementia?

Thank you so much for your lovely reply, you sound incredibly knowledgeable.

My husband is fabulous, he knows I have tough days and he steps up without even thinking. He works long hours but is always ready to help even when I don’t know I need it. He often speaks to my mum on the phone too.

She does present differently to people she is less familiar with. The ward psychologist has said she feels comfortable with me so can be open and she doesn’t feel any need to moderate what she is saying. She definitely masks a lot which concerns me for when she does eventually go home. We have been very honest with our children, they saw the initial decline and unfortunately our daughter was the initial focus of the negative delusions so she has become quite closed off to grandma, she lives her very much but I think she’s trying to protect herself. Our son is very sensitive and had a very close bond with my mum. A lot of her frightening delusions were about him being tortured and attacked, very different to the delusions and voices relating to his sister.

I am having ad hoc psychology input and I’m awaiting EMDR through occ health at work. I am taking antidepressants and my gp is wonderful.

As my mum has been detained under section 3 of the MHA, she is eligible for section 117 aftercare so she will get whatever care she needs. I will be her carer in every other sense of the word.

The psychiatrist has tried multiple medications, the only one that has had any effect is Risperidone, however this is causing low potassium so she is being monitored. She also has PRN lorazepam for when she gets agitated and upset, thankfully this happens far less frequent than it did at the start of this nightmare when she was absolutely fraught constantly.

We were told about 8 weeks ago that the medics suspected my mum may have Lewy body dementia however due to her improvement on risperidone and her improving function this was discounted. The diagnosis has been confirmed as late onset psychotic illness.

I’m just so frustrated and resentful, I want so badly to tell people how poorly my mum has been treated by my sister and my nephews and how their selfish actions have resulted in this. I don’t know how to manage my feelings, I’m so confused.

 

[really_whythough]

The problem is no matter how I approach it she doesn’t ever see the wrong she see’s everyone is jealous of her being happy I went through it before advising her about a boy she didn’t listen ended in a row that I was jealous I distanced myself moved on she got back in touch gave her a chance some of the things she said were very hurtful but I forgave that I don’t know if I could go through it all again to end up being the baddy she can be very manipulative

I mean, obviously it’s not up to you to control her or save her or be in charge of her life. Nobody is perfect but also what you saw on holiday sounds like serious domestic abuse and no-one deserves that.

If you are worried enough to be writing here you obviously care, even after what you’ve been through. Hopefully her family care also? Can you seek their opinion and assistance perhaps?

Keep yourself safe though and I hope it’s not too distressing. She’s lucky to have a true friend like you.

 

[Blondeangel2515]

I’ve just had a phone call from the police my ex has done a complaint of harassment to me but I’ve not messaged in 4 weeks so would he have gone to them recently? Because if he has it’s really really odd considering he was messaging me 24/7 for a week in March after not hearing anything for 18 months I’ve only messaged him twice since then once to explain why I snitch on him a second time round and the last to remind him I’m not mad at him and I don’t see him as a bad person I get he’s probably in love with two people. I told his current gf family because she had her privacy changed since the first time round and i couldn’t couldn’t be bothered with the abuse,
The thing is I don’t think it was him that’s done the complaint when we were talking he was telling me how he sees himself as he use to be fun before all this, he wants babies when he’s 32, how his girlfriend reacted the first time round and how he misses the thing we had and how he would unblock and block me because he wants to check up on me. He even messages my mate sometimes to see how I am or see pics of It’s bad because it was like nothing happened which makes me think it was his girlfriend.
They even called me by my middle name not my first name.
like im not worried because I’m not planning on messaging but I’m more worried over him if this is her doing it

 

[gossqueen1989]

I just read about a thing called ‘Claire’s Law’ which means partners can request information about any history of Domestic Violence. Could be worth looking into?
Hope it’s not weighing too heavily on you still.

I spoke to few mutual friends, had a call from my friend claiming I was trying to ruin her big day and there’s a reason I wasn’t to be at the wedding… slandering her husband to be. The friends I spoke to haven’t been socialising in their company it’s just a quick hello if they happen to see at shop so they have never witnessed anything but are miffed at the fact none of us were invited but acquaintances that she didn’t get on with are invited I didn’t know this. I haven’t been great since speaking to my friend there’s nothing more I can say as she had threatened he will take it legal if he hears anything more, all I did was tell the mutual friend what had happened on holiday and some events that’s is questionable about messages being ignored and muted that she didn’t know about.

 

[gossqueen1989]

You’ve done your best. The rest is up to her. Well done and I hope you and the other friends can move on and that she’s not in danger, just delusion!

Thank you, I’ll always be there for her

 

[tomato_paste]

Posted on other threads but I also need to let it out as I can’t talk to friends or family about this
Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a shit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.

Well he is a shit dad, he's not taking care of his kid or his family. He knows. Maybe you need to let it hit him fully. No soothing him, no placating his ego. You don't need to argue with him either, but stop disagreeing with him, which we're so often doing. If he says "I'm a shit dad" - don't disagree. If you're up for it you can even nod and say, "The way you're acting with finding work and supporting this family? Yes, you're behaving like a shit dad.". Make it about his behaviour instead of his being - maybe it will help him see reason.

I know it's painful but if he doesn't get his head out of his ass, make some plans. Can you imagine staying with him for the rest of your life if he continues on like this?

If not, what are you options? Can you afford a place? What about child care? What about jobs? Think it through. It's probably pretty daunting but it pays to be prepared.

One last resort you could pull is to call your mother- in- law if she's someone you trust and can count on, or even both his parents and let them know about his actions or lack thereof.

 

[TheGlossy]

I feel the Universe is really conspiring against me.

2022 was a difficult year for me and I wanted to turn a new leaf in 2023 by traveling more as it’s one of the few things that reduce my anxiety and make me happy.

I had a few great trips at the beginning of the year, then they all came to a halt over a strange string of bad luck:

- I had a trip booked to Spain in August. I was super excited about it. On the day, I overslept and missed the flight. I was heartbroken but decided to get over it and book a flight to Rome for November.
- As I was shutting things down and getting ready for bed last night ahead of my flight to Rome this morning, my apartment water pump started going wild emanating a loud motor noise. I waited and the noise kept going only to realize water was leaking from it. I said I’d wait and watch - the noise kept going all night to the point where it can be heard from the building hallway. As I don’t have anyone who can look after this while I’d be away, I had to cancel my trip and stay at home to get this sorted. I can’t bear to be in apartment because the noise is so loud, it’s like being in a factory.

I’m so annoyed and heartbroken that this is the second time in a row I’m planning a trip and had to cancel for reasons beyond my control 🥲. I don’t know what’s going on aside from back luck.

 

[Jadejones9596]

jade i was thinking of you recently - i’m so sorry to hear that you’re in such a low place right now

all i can say is to please please avoid making men, or finding someone, the centrepoint of your happiness or self-worth. that can only come from you and should be for yourself not with the hopes of being able to attract a man. the dating world is so fickle right now that i worry that continually sets you up for disappointment.

It’s so nice to hear from you lovely! I went lower and lower after when I used to speak to you all on the dating thread. I thought I was ready to go back on the apps but clearly not! I’m really trying to focus on my self worth and being good enough for me, but I don’t really know how sometimes!
Hope you’re doing well? So nice to hear from you x

 

[Blondeangel2515]

I would have everyone block both of them. They both don't sound right in the head. Don't worry about him, he isn't your responsibility. You can find someone better.

They are I just want to know would this be something they’ve done recently or not because it just seems very out the blue to receive a phone call when my last message was 4 weeks ago just strange

 

[flutternutter]

Honestly why are people so rude? I’m going through a break up right now, and I messaged a friend last week to see if she fancied meeting for a coffee/drink tonight. She messaged back saying yes but said she’d need to be home by 8, which I said was fine, and if easier I could just come to hers. She didn’t reply to that. This morning I messaged just to check we were still on and she said yeah, should be but she’d let me know later. I said that’s okay, just let me know either way. It’s now 18:45 and she hasn’t messaged. It’s upset me as these little events and getting out the house are all that’s getting me through right now; and the lack of reply is just horrible.

Wow not even a txt? sorry

My vent is I cant even vent for LITERAL legal reasons about what I want to vent about! And its absolutely ridiculous! The most petty of petty things in the world and now I am in a position of utter hell where I can't talk to anyone and all the "adults" are playing dress up to act as if its all very serious and must be dealt with appropriately. And this is my actual life. The impact will be on me. Im already absolutely depressed and would absolutely (but i wont dont worry...) love to do something right infront of them to traumatise them and fuck them up the same way i am!

 

[Kim Mild]

Could it be the weather? I find that the recent constant rain and grey skies have made me moody and miserable
---

Could it be the weather? I find that the recent constant rain and grey skies have made me moody and miserable

It's been gorgeous sunshine here this weekend for a change. I've noticed people don't always treat me the way they want to be treated themselves so maybe my feelings are justified

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Just don’t do and say anything. It wasn’t your responsibility to check that an adult can use a parking meter.
And if he asks then just say “no, sorry”. I wouldn’t pay and I’m quite direct so probably would say something if hints were being dropped

Thank you. When the other passenger said to me when we were alone that she feels awful and is going to give money towards it, I just looked at her and said (because we don’t know for sure if our manager had the fine yet) well, let’s not do anything until we know for sure she has got a fine.
Turns out she, the manager, got home last night and had got her fine in the post yesterday while at work. 🫠 so now I won’t hear the end of it. Especially as she even says herself, she plays the single parent card.
Ffs.

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Just to clarify, the fine was against the managers car?

In that case, it's their fault, their car, they pay the fines. Id personally be looking at going to the person who deals with expenses or travel in the company (or HR?) for some advice on this situation.

As a manager, if I was them, I'd be forking out the money rather than putting it on my team. Your manager sounds like an arse from this imo

Yes, sorry, it’s against their car.
How do I brooch the subject?! I don’t think they will ask me, but as my other colleague is going to offer to contribute, I’ll feel put on the spot.

Another member of our team also got a fine but he held his hands up and said he probably didn’t put enough money on the ticket. He’s paid his, but made a joke this morning about how I should contribute to a third of my manager’s fine! (He brought the letter in and it has a photo of him entering and leaving the car park)

It’s been passed onto the person who arranged the volunteering and all they have said they will make people aware at the next one.

As I said above, my manager has already been dropping heavy hints about making donations to their charity event, so I’m already reluctant to part with anymore money.