Hope this is the right place for this, so bare with me.
A friend of mine recently broke up with their partner and they were both living in the partner's mother's house - when we found out the news, we offered the friend our spare room to stay in until they got back on their feet.
They moved in, and for a few weeks all was fine - the friend then told us that the reason the relationship had broken down was because the partner had come out as gay. A surprise, but ultimately we chatted about how it was the better of all outcomes as it really isn't something you could help or have foreseen (rather than say, had the partner cheated, for e.g.)
Our friend then went on to tell us that they had both known about this for months and had basically been talking it all through so they're both in a good place. Happy days, or so we thought.
When the friend moved in, because we were under the impression they were reeling from it all, we didn't give them a timeline of how long they could stay as we didn't think it was fair as they were going through it all. Turns out that due to them and ex having talked about this for so long, the friend was actually in a really good place with it all. They are an introverted character so we have asked a few times how they're getting on etc, but have just got quite topline responses so we haven't pressed on it.
We haven't been charging the friend rent, but have said just give us money towards bills each month, which they have done. Ultimately, because we wanted them staying with us to not be a financial burden and the plan was to provide an environment where the friend can save as much money as possible, which may be too nice on our part, but we know how hard it is to save money when something unexpected like a relationship breakdown/unexpected house move happens. They constantly also mention money, and how they've had a good pay cheque from work this month/last month, but then proceed to tell us what they have spent that extra money on, or we just see the volume of things they've ordered come through the door. Am I wrong to find this like a complete slap in the face? The minimal amount they are paying us towards bills is to enable them to save as much money as possible so they can move out and into their own place, so for them to be flaunting that in my face makes me think the friend isn't that concerned with saving any money at all. I'm all for treating yourself, but the amount this person is spending and on complete crap just makes me feel like I'm living with a teenager rather than a grown adult.
Cut to 3 months later. The friend comes back from a party drunk and proceeds to talk to us about the situation with the ex-partner, but it all sounds like they are actually part of a weird cult. Everything our friend was saying sounded so scripted and like they had a rehearsed answer for everything - it was the most bizarre thing.
They kept referring to the ex as their 'best friend' and emphasising the best friend part as though they were a child. Saying that they still speak all day every day as they are so close, they watch TV shows together rather than separately, it's bizarre. Our friend also kept bringing up the fact that his ex now being gay 'wasn't an issue' as though we had made it an issue (I told him, I couldn't care less if the ex was from outer space, their sexuality is not even something that crosses my mind). When we encouraged our friend to take a break from their ex and see other people - not even from a dating perspective but more as a form of socialising as the friend doesn't leave our house - they got quite defensive and said they and their ex (we never asked) aren't ready to date and once they were then they would have that conversation.
We then pressed and said 'surely, that is you asking for permission though?' the friend proceeded to bang on about how it was because they were 'best friends' and wouldn't do anything to hurt the other one.
There was lots of other strange things our friend came out with but it's too much to write here, but the whole conversation made the friend sound like they was severely brainwashed - we were in awe listening to the things they were coming out with.
Our friend is also still seeing the ex every day after work which we shrugged off but now we know they are essentially still in a relationship but minus the intimacy, we don't know what to do.
We pressed the friend on what he's planning to do in terms of living arrangements, and they said that they weren't sure they could afford to live by themselves (which is the first time they've mentioned anything about their next steps), so when we asked our friend if they would move in with the ex our friend was convinced they wouldn't live together again, despite giving us the speech about how close they still were. So does that mean our friend is just hoping to stay living with us permanently?!
I was quite taken aback by our friend's response about their living situation, and to be honest felt a bit like our friend is now taking our kindness for granted - we've had lots of friends comment on how lucky the friend is to have had us help them out, and not that I need validation from our friend that we've done them a massive favour, but it just feels like their head needs a shake.
Now we face a bit of a tricky situation as we never gave the friend an end-date to staying with us as we didn't imagine it would have to go on for very long, but after the weird conversation with them when drunk, we now feel like the friend has stepped way too far over the mark and we're now wanting them to go, but we feel like bad guys.
Any advice on this would be great - I'm going to speak to the friend later and get an idea of their movements, but I just feel like I'm driving myself crazy with how much this has pissed me off.
Thanks everyone x
A friend of mine recently broke up with their partner and they were both living in the partner's mother's house - when we found out the news, we offered the friend our spare room to stay in until they got back on their feet.
They moved in, and for a few weeks all was fine - the friend then told us that the reason the relationship had broken down was because the partner had come out as gay. A surprise, but ultimately we chatted about how it was the better of all outcomes as it really isn't something you could help or have foreseen (rather than say, had the partner cheated, for e.g.)
Our friend then went on to tell us that they had both known about this for months and had basically been talking it all through so they're both in a good place. Happy days, or so we thought.
When the friend moved in, because we were under the impression they were reeling from it all, we didn't give them a timeline of how long they could stay as we didn't think it was fair as they were going through it all. Turns out that due to them and ex having talked about this for so long, the friend was actually in a really good place with it all. They are an introverted character so we have asked a few times how they're getting on etc, but have just got quite topline responses so we haven't pressed on it.
We haven't been charging the friend rent, but have said just give us money towards bills each month, which they have done. Ultimately, because we wanted them staying with us to not be a financial burden and the plan was to provide an environment where the friend can save as much money as possible, which may be too nice on our part, but we know how hard it is to save money when something unexpected like a relationship breakdown/unexpected house move happens. They constantly also mention money, and how they've had a good pay cheque from work this month/last month, but then proceed to tell us what they have spent that extra money on, or we just see the volume of things they've ordered come through the door. Am I wrong to find this like a complete slap in the face? The minimal amount they are paying us towards bills is to enable them to save as much money as possible so they can move out and into their own place, so for them to be flaunting that in my face makes me think the friend isn't that concerned with saving any money at all. I'm all for treating yourself, but the amount this person is spending and on complete crap just makes me feel like I'm living with a teenager rather than a grown adult.
Cut to 3 months later. The friend comes back from a party drunk and proceeds to talk to us about the situation with the ex-partner, but it all sounds like they are actually part of a weird cult. Everything our friend was saying sounded so scripted and like they had a rehearsed answer for everything - it was the most bizarre thing.
They kept referring to the ex as their 'best friend' and emphasising the best friend part as though they were a child. Saying that they still speak all day every day as they are so close, they watch TV shows together rather than separately, it's bizarre. Our friend also kept bringing up the fact that his ex now being gay 'wasn't an issue' as though we had made it an issue (I told him, I couldn't care less if the ex was from outer space, their sexuality is not even something that crosses my mind). When we encouraged our friend to take a break from their ex and see other people - not even from a dating perspective but more as a form of socialising as the friend doesn't leave our house - they got quite defensive and said they and their ex (we never asked) aren't ready to date and once they were then they would have that conversation.
We then pressed and said 'surely, that is you asking for permission though?' the friend proceeded to bang on about how it was because they were 'best friends' and wouldn't do anything to hurt the other one.
There was lots of other strange things our friend came out with but it's too much to write here, but the whole conversation made the friend sound like they was severely brainwashed - we were in awe listening to the things they were coming out with.
Our friend is also still seeing the ex every day after work which we shrugged off but now we know they are essentially still in a relationship but minus the intimacy, we don't know what to do.
We pressed the friend on what he's planning to do in terms of living arrangements, and they said that they weren't sure they could afford to live by themselves (which is the first time they've mentioned anything about their next steps), so when we asked our friend if they would move in with the ex our friend was convinced they wouldn't live together again, despite giving us the speech about how close they still were. So does that mean our friend is just hoping to stay living with us permanently?!
I was quite taken aback by our friend's response about their living situation, and to be honest felt a bit like our friend is now taking our kindness for granted - we've had lots of friends comment on how lucky the friend is to have had us help them out, and not that I need validation from our friend that we've done them a massive favour, but it just feels like their head needs a shake.
Now we face a bit of a tricky situation as we never gave the friend an end-date to staying with us as we didn't imagine it would have to go on for very long, but after the weird conversation with them when drunk, we now feel like the friend has stepped way too far over the mark and we're now wanting them to go, but we feel like bad guys.
Any advice on this would be great - I'm going to speak to the friend later and get an idea of their movements, but I just feel like I'm driving myself crazy with how much this has pissed me off.
Thanks everyone x
. You’ve been a great friend but it’s not really the problem. If this person has a great pay check and is ordering loads of things then I’m sure they can afford to rent a flat or something …
but I’m sure they wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round. That’s how I always look at things. From their point of view they should Treat people how they want to be treated .. totally taking liberties with you
