Support for anyone that needs to vent #3

[Tommyb]

I really hope someone can advise me here,.,

I’ll try keep it short! So it’s my daughters 9th birthday on Sunday and her dad is being absolutely ridiculous. Backstory:he’s been in prison on/off all her life. She had no knowledge of him upto a year ago. Previous domestic abuse and mental abuse towards me. I’ve moved twice because of him. Textbook narcissist and I stupidly gave him a chance. My daughter has never really took to him but I wanted to give him the chance. We fell out a while ago because of his opinions on gay/trans/lesbians. He said some horrible things in front of my daughter then shouted at me in front of her. He never sends money on time for her. Closed CMS because he can’t be bothered with UC while working on the side. Is generally horrible towards me. Nothing is ever his fault. Hasn’t seen her in months even before we had issues he went months without seeing her. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with autism so I guess I’m extra protective of her and more aware of how negatively he will affect her.

Anyway. I asked him whether he wanted to come the day before or the day after as she has specific plans she wants to do (tea party with her nana and stay over, shopping with me) she doesn’t want to see him. He’s turned it all on me and is blaming me for how she feels. He’s saying he will just turn up regardless of how I feel or how my daughter wants her day to be. He walks in my home filming her so he can brag about buying her one gift. He has no respect for me or our privacy. What can I do? I’m planning to be out all day but he will turn up and be nasty. I don’t know what to do? Any advice would honestly mean the world. I’m sorry this ended up so long! I have no one to speak to about this

Honestly...stop contact. Stop facilitating contact. I know your instinct is to have two parents in her life but from what you have said she is better off without him. You said she hasn't seen him in months so I'm not sure why you would contact him about her birthday.

I have been the child in this scenario and I'm so so glad my mum did what she did. My opinion is you need to cut contact and tell him you will not have inconsistency in your daughter's life and if he wants to sort out regular contact (and CMS) to arrange a mediator and you will gladly work with him. You have to put the ball in his court and stop facilitating this. He will only let her down more and that is much harder than being used to living without him trust me.

 

[Ashshakur93]

Honestly...stop contact. Stop facilitating contact. I know your instinct is to have two parents in her life but from what you have said she is better off without him. You said she hasn't seen him in months so I'm not sure why you would contact him about her birthday.

I have been the child in this scenario and I'm so so glad my mum did what she did. My opinion is you need to cut contact and tell him you will not have inconsistency in your daughter's life and if he wants to sort out regular contact (and CMS) to arrange a mediator and you will gladly work with him. You have to put the ball in his court and stop facilitating this. He will only let her down more and that is much harder than being used to living without him trust me.

Hi, thank you

I didn’t contact him he contacted me. As I know he will come and cause a scene I try to placate him but I’m always the bad guy regardless of what I do. I was also the child in a similar situation and wished my mum took us away from him. I can’t move again. I can’t get any orders until he actually hurts me. He will turn up at any point. He won’t take me to court I have told him to do this and he ignores me and turns up. I’m hesitant to involve the police as I’ve obviously been an idiot and had contact with him. I honestly want him out of our lives but he won’t leave us

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Hi, thank you

I didn’t contact him he contacted me. As I know he will come and cause a scene I try to placate him but I’m always the bad guy regardless of what I do. I was also the child in a similar situation and wished my mum took us away from him. I can’t move again. I can’t get any orders until he actually hurts me. He will turn up at any point. He won’t take me to court I have told him to do this and he ignores me and turns up. I’m hesitant to involve the police as I’ve obviously been an idiot and had contact with him. I honestly want him out of our lives but he won’t leave us

You NEED to speak to the police. You don’t have a choice.

 

[Ashshakur93]

You NEED to speak to the police. You don’t have a choice.

Thank you deep down I know this I’m just so scared of the backlash.

 

[Tommyb]

Hi, thank you

I didn’t contact him he contacted me. As I know he will come and cause a scene I try to placate him but I’m always the bad guy regardless of what I do. I was also the child in a similar situation and wished my mum took us away from him. I can’t move again. I can’t get any orders until he actually hurts me. He will turn up at any point. He won’t take me to court I have told him to do this and he ignores me and turns up. I’m hesitant to involve the police as I’ve obviously been an idiot and had contact with him. I honestly want him out of our lives but he won’t leave us

I understand completely. But you will be saving your daughter and yourself alot of issues in the future by dealing with this now when she is still young. See you gave into a bully and the bully didn't stop... They just escalate. You must involve the police. It doesn't matter that you picked up contact at all. You have done nothing wrong. Also please tell friends and family what is happening. You need to share the problem out abit and get some support try to have someone with you if you know he's coming round. You need witnesses and you need him to hang himself by his own rope so to speak.... Let him kick off and let the police deal with it. Xxx

 

[tspnwn]

I feel so pathetic and I know I'm being ridiculous. My abusive ex moved on to someone who's a lot younger, prettier and slimmer than me. I was the one who ended it, I genuinely don't mean it like I'm jealous and want him back. He did a number on my mental health and self esteem - I think I just resent him being happy to be honest - as though he gets to carry on without a care but I'm left with all the scars of the relationship?

 

[Slaybutter]

@tspnwn I get what you’re saying… on the bright side hes someone else’s problem now

 

[lurkingaround123]

Last night my boyfriend invited me to a meal with him and some of his friends who I have only met once, and they were painfully rude to me, and unbeknownst to one of the girls she was the topic of a massive argument we had

(he was going out for the day and said 'im going with xxx, the girl you dont like' which upset me and resulted in us arguing, me doing something not nice which upset him and him completely blanking me for the day, telling them a one sided version of the story and basically making me out to be a psycho whilst airing our dirty laundry)

I asked if we can just talk about it, as the meal is on Wednesday next week and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed on the day. He said yes and we started speaking about it, it got on to the above issue and he then told me that whilst he was away with different friends last week, the lad who was out for the day with them was taking the piss out of him for being 'on a leash' and when confronted by my boyfriend said 'yeah well what about that day where she was calling you' my bf said he stuck up for me and was really pissed off at his mate, felt pissed off by him for most of their trip. Obviously this is difficult to hear and although he said he regrets being so bitchy on the day of the argument it has upset me that he's put me in this situation.

Whenever I ask to speak about something or communicate my emotions, it becomes a huge big thing, so whereas I just wanted to speak about this situation and the meal, he then out of the blue tells me I make him feel smothered and like he gets no space.
When he elaborates he says he doesn't get to go to the gym because I come over too soon after work, he turns down plans like post work coffee with mates etc because he doesn't want to upset me? He also says he feels like he can't do things without me (baring in mind he's just come home from Ibiza)
He used the example of the other week when he said he'd get to mine at 5, but showed up at 6 and I was annoyed. I said to him in that instance I was pissed off because I didn't get to go to the gym because I expected you sooner, and I am also a fully functioning person with things to do. I don't necessarily feel good if I ask him to do something and he says no, but feel like he plays up like he has to report everything in to me and can't just live his life, which is not true, I just like communication. I brought up the fact I've met friends for food then gone to his after and there's no issue in doing things like that if you want to fit both in too.

From all that you'd think its me asking him to do things constantly but it is equal! He plans to see me just as much as I plan to see him. After all this nonsense, I felt upset. Because I am upset, he then gets in a mood with me for being upset. I said it hurts how we can't discuss anything without it becoming 'yeah well you do this you do that' or him turning it around and saying 'yeah well your mate made me feel like xyz' as a response to me talking about something. It is the most childish thing I think I have ever experienced. We don't argue a lot but when we do he is devoid of all emotion, monotone, staring in to space, whilst saying things which make me cry. He's booked in with a counsellor, so I know he's trying to work on it but I feel like absolute tit and can't shake it off. I don't want to say it to my mates because I don't want to get in to the kind of situation where you slag someone you love off to people and they start to dislike them

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Last night my boyfriend invited me to a meal with him and some of his friends who I have only met once, and they were painfully rude to me, and unbeknownst to one of the girls she was the topic of a massive argument we had

(he was going out for the day and said 'im going with xxx, the girl you dont like' which upset me and resulted in us arguing, me doing something not nice which upset him and him completely blanking me for the day, telling them a one sided version of the story and basically making me out to be a psycho whilst airing our dirty laundry)

I asked if we can just talk about it, as the meal is on Wednesday next week and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed on the day. He said yes and we started speaking about it, it got on to the above issue and he then told me that whilst he was away with different friends last week, the lad who was out for the day with them was taking the piss out of him for being 'on a leash' and when confronted by my boyfriend said 'yeah well what about that day where she was calling you' my bf said he stuck up for me and was really pissed off at his mate, felt pissed off by him for most of their trip. Obviously this is difficult to hear and although he said he regrets being so bitchy on the day of the argument it has upset me that he's put me in this situation.

Whenever I ask to speak about something or communicate my emotions, it becomes a huge big thing, so whereas I just wanted to speak about this situation and the meal, he then out of the blue tells me I make him feel smothered and like he gets no space.
When he elaborates he says he doesn't get to go to the gym because I come over too soon after work, he turns down plans like post work coffee with mates etc because he doesn't want to upset me? He also says he feels like he can't do things without me (baring in mind he's just come home from Ibiza)
He used the example of the other week when he said he'd get to mine at 5, but showed up at 6 and I was annoyed. I said to him in that instance I was pissed off because I didn't get to go to the gym because I expected you sooner, and I am also a fully functioning person with things to do. I don't necessarily feel good if I ask him to do something and he says no, but feel like he plays up like he has to report everything in to me and can't just live his life, which is not true, I just like communication. I brought up the fact I've met friends for food then gone to his after and there's no issue in doing things like that if you want to fit both in too.

From all that you'd think its me asking him to do things constantly but it is equal! He plans to see me just as much as I plan to see him. After all this nonsense, I felt upset. Because I am upset, he then gets in a mood with me for being upset. I said it hurts how we can't discuss anything without it becoming 'yeah well you do this you do that' or him turning it around and saying 'yeah well your mate made me feel like xyz' as a response to me talking about something. It is the most childish thing I think I have ever experienced. We don't argue a lot but when we do he is devoid of all emotion, monotone, staring in to space, whilst saying things which make me cry. He's booked in with a counsellor, so I know he's trying to work on it but I feel like absolute tit and can't shake it off. I don't want to say it to my mates because I don't want to get in to the kind of situation where you slag someone you love off to people and they start to dislike them

He sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings. And also blames you for every thing. Why would he put you in a situation like that with his mates ? How long have you been together. And can I ask how old you are ?
Do you want to be with someone who essentially gaslights you every opportunity he gets? He’s your boyfriend he shouldn’t make you feel like a psycho.
Communication is big factor in a relationship and he can’t do that well by the sounds of it
I’d recommend some space and see how you feel
Sometimes you’re better off without people like this

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Last night my boyfriend invited me to a meal with him and some of his friends who I have only met once, and they were painfully rude to me, and unbeknownst to one of the girls she was the topic of a massive argument we had

(he was going out for the day and said 'im going with xxx, the girl you dont like' which upset me and resulted in us arguing, me doing something not nice which upset him and him completely blanking me for the day, telling them a one sided version of the story and basically making me out to be a psycho whilst airing our dirty laundry)

I asked if we can just talk about it, as the meal is on Wednesday next week and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed on the day. He said yes and we started speaking about it, it got on to the above issue and he then told me that whilst he was away with different friends last week, the lad who was out for the day with them was taking the piss out of him for being 'on a leash' and when confronted by my boyfriend said 'yeah well what about that day where she was calling you' my bf said he stuck up for me and was really pissed off at his mate, felt pissed off by him for most of their trip. Obviously this is difficult to hear and although he said he regrets being so bitchy on the day of the argument it has upset me that he's put me in this situation.

Whenever I ask to speak about something or communicate my emotions, it becomes a huge big thing, so whereas I just wanted to speak about this situation and the meal, he then out of the blue tells me I make him feel smothered and like he gets no space.
When he elaborates he says he doesn't get to go to the gym because I come over too soon after work, he turns down plans like post work coffee with mates etc because he doesn't want to upset me? He also says he feels like he can't do things without me (baring in mind he's just come home from Ibiza)
He used the example of the other week when he said he'd get to mine at 5, but showed up at 6 and I was annoyed. I said to him in that instance I was pissed off because I didn't get to go to the gym because I expected you sooner, and I am also a fully functioning person with things to do. I don't necessarily feel good if I ask him to do something and he says no, but feel like he plays up like he has to report everything in to me and can't just live his life, which is not true, I just like communication. I brought up the fact I've met friends for food then gone to his after and there's no issue in doing things like that if you want to fit both in too.

From all that you'd think its me asking him to do things constantly but it is equal! He plans to see me just as much as I plan to see him. After all this nonsense, I felt upset. Because I am upset, he then gets in a mood with me for being upset. I said it hurts how we can't discuss anything without it becoming 'yeah well you do this you do that' or him turning it around and saying 'yeah well your mate made me feel like xyz' as a response to me talking about something. It is the most childish thing I think I have ever experienced. We don't argue a lot but when we do he is devoid of all emotion, monotone, staring in to space, whilst saying things which make me cry. He's booked in with a counsellor, so I know he's trying to work on it but I feel like absolute tit and can't shake it off. I don't want to say it to my mates because I don't want to get in to the kind of situation where you slag someone you love off to people and they start to dislike them

how old are you & your boyfriend? You sound like you are probably quite young?

 

[lurkingaround123]

He sounds like he doesn’t care about your feelings. And also blames you for every thing. Why would he put you in a situation like that with his mates ? How long have you been together. And can I ask how old you are ?
Do you want to be with someone who essentially gaslights you every opportunity he gets? He’s your boyfriend he shouldn’t make you feel like a psycho.
Communication is big factor in a relationship and he can’t do that well by the sounds of it
I’d recommend some space and see how you feel
Sometimes you’re better off without people like this

how old are you & your boyfriend? You sound like you are probably quite young?

He said he was with them at the time and exclaiming what I'd done was his first reaction, in my opinion that is really catty and not what I'd personally do. We've been official 6 months and we're 27/28 (far too old for this) His mate who was bitching in Ibiza is a lot younger though.

If I say something has upset me or ask to talk about something, it always gets flipped in to a huge deal, and he'll say quite upsetting things with a stone cold face, and then can't comprehend why my sadness lasts long. He just goes stone cold and sweeps things under the carpet. Even if its post disagreement reflection on the situation, I can say 'yes I apologise for saying this, I didn't mean to make you annoyed' but he will defend all his actions as though life depends on it. It's always 'yeah but' or 'well no not really'. From what I gather this is a childhood issue, which is why I encouraged him to speak to a counsellor in the first place. I find his response to anything really childlike, a cross between a toddler going all stone cold because they've been told no and a teenager saying mean things to a parent with no care because of their hormones.

I'm glad we've spoken about the whole after work thing, because I like my routine being finish work 4pm, gym until 5pm, home, shower, see him. He finishes later than me, we both have keys to each others places so I even suggested if you're busy later than me one evening or vice versa but we still plan to see each other why not just let ourselves in to whoever's house we're staying at and start cooking tea or whatever. You can have plans and then see your partner later, or even just have plans in general and not. He just automatically assumes everything is a problem for me and by the sound of it walks around on unnecessary eggshells, I am also overaccommodating by missing things from my routine because he's suggested a time etc which is also wrong.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

He said he was with them at the time and exclaiming what I'd done was his first reaction, in my opinion that is really catty and not what I'd personally do. We've been official 6 months and we're 27/28 (far too old for this) His mate who was bitching in Ibiza is a lot younger though.

If I say something has upset me or ask to talk about something, it always gets flipped in to a huge deal, and he'll say quite upsetting things with a stone cold face, and then can't comprehend why my sadness lasts long. He just goes stone cold and sweeps things under the carpet. Even if its post disagreement reflection on the situation, I can say 'yes I apologise for saying this, I didn't mean to make you annoyed' but he will defend all his actions as though life depends on it. It's always 'yeah but' or 'well no not really'. From what I gather this is a childhood issue, which is why I encouraged him to speak to a counsellor in the first place. I find his response to anything really childlike, a cross between a toddler going all stone cold because they've been told no and a teenager saying mean things to a parent with no care because of their hormones.

I'm glad we've spoken about the whole after work thing, because I like my routine being finish work 4pm, gym until 5pm, home, shower, see him. He finishes later than me, we both have keys to each others places so I even suggested if you're busy later than me one evening or vice versa but we still plan to see each other why not just let ourselves in to whoever's house we're staying at and start cooking tea or whatever. You can have plans and then see your partner later, or even just have plans in general and not. He just automatically assumes everything is a problem for me and by the sound of it walks around on unnecessary eggshells, I am also overaccommodating by missing things from my routine because he's suggested a time etc which is also wrong.

Never overaccomodate for someone who won’t do the same for you. As I don’t know him but going off what you’ve said I’d say he sounds really childish and not willing to accept responsibility for the way he makes you feel sometimes
I agree it does sound childish. I would remove yourself from seeing his friends from Now on.
I’m still a bit confused as to what’s actually happened I’ll read it again. But it sounds like you can do a lot better
How come you don’t like this girl? And did he just go out alone with her ?

 

[lurkingaround123]

The initial issue with the girl is that he invited me to meet his mates, and they walked in, looked me up and down and didn't say a word to me It was orchestrated by this other lad, but she joined in with it so my first impression is obviously a bit weird (these are all medical professionals, all pushing 30). He went to the festival with her and this young lad he's mates with. They're not all in the same friend group.

To kind of TLDR the issue, I asked to talk about feeling nervy to meet his mates again, he told me something which upset me and then said i smother him. Makes no sense at all I am not surprised you're confused

I'm annoyed because we have plans with his family all weekend, and then plans with mine Monday, with his friends Wednesday and we have tickets for 3 different things on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

He's asked for space in terms of seeing me 4/5 days a week instead of 5/6, which works for me, but he's literally the one who's booked in everything next week bar Monday, so I can't really win can I

 

[BettyCrockerr]

The initial issue with the girl is that he invited me to meet his mates, and they walked in, looked me up and down and didn't say a word to me It was orchestrated by this other lad, but she joined in with it so my first impression is obviously a bit weird (these are all medical professionals, all pushing 30). He went to the festival with her and this young lad he's mates with. They're not all in the same friend group.

To kind of TLDR the issue, I asked to talk about feeling nervy to meet his mates again, he told me something which upset me and then said i smother him. Makes no sense at all I am not surprised you're confused

I'm annoyed because we have plans with his family all weekend, and then plans with mine Monday, with his friends Wednesday and we have tickets for 3 different things on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

He's asked for space in terms of seeing me 4/5 days a week instead of 5/6, which works for me, but he's literally the one who's booked in everything next week bar Monday, so I can't really win can I

I’ve just gone back and read over your previous posts as I knew I recognised your username…..

Honestly, you need to spend some time single and work through your own issues and then in time find a healthy stable relationship with a grown up mature man. This nonsense with this guy you’re with now is just immature bullshit. It shouldn’t be this hard/there shouldn’t be this much drama. Seriously.

 

[Usagisakura90]

Its really hard being a parent of a special educational needs child I love her but I never saw this as my life, especially with one who is waiting for support, doesn't sleep very well, can't manage their emotions that well and is being bullied by the nasty cows in her class. Not being allowed at school for most of lockdown didn't help which put her even further behind she's in year 5 and working at year 1 level.

School is rubbish but only one year left and secondary school, that's a whole different thing though so another thing to be worried about, at least the one she will go to is top rated for help with SEN children but that won't help with the noticeable gap.

 

[lurkingaround123]

I’ve just gone back and read over your previous posts as I knew I recognised your username…..

Honestly, you need to spend some time single and work through your own issues and then in time find a healthy stable relationship with a grown up mature man. This nonsense with this guy you’re with now is just immature bullshit. It shouldn’t be this hard/there shouldn’t be this much drama. Seriously.

I agree it is ridiculous. This is my first relationship in 8 years, and I spent months in counselling working on my issues before deciding to date, but when he acts like this it brings out my anxious attachment style. He's avoidant and puts that on me.

I won't end things over this, I am aware by only writing what he does in bad situations it inevitably sounds worse than it is, but his lack of communication skills makes me feel trapped. I know hes made steps to work on it but its doing my head in. He's the most thoughtful, caring, nice guy when hes being himself, but at the first sign of me saying something difficult for him to hear or agree with its all guns blazing.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I agree it is ridiculous. This is my first relationship in 8 years, and I spent months in counselling working on my issues before deciding to date, but when he acts like this it brings out my anxious attachment style. He's avoidant and puts that on me.

I won't end things over this, I am aware by only writing what he does in bad situations it inevitably sounds worse than it is, but his lack of communication skills makes me feel trapped. I know hes made steps to work on it but its doing my head in. He's the most thoughtful, caring, nice guy when hes being himself, but at the first sign of me saying something difficult for him to hear or agree with its all guns blazing.

This is self sabotage though. You know deep down this relationship isn’t going to work long term; you know it. So why are you flogging a dead horse? I don’t understand.

he’s a thoughtful, caring, nice guy when you are doing what he wants, keeping quiet and not challenging him on anything or having a mature adult relationship. The second you ask him for anything more he reacts the way he does, the arguments start etc - that’s the way he is. It’s not going to change. You are on different pages here - and he sounds desperately immature.

 

[TheGlossy]

I was put forward for a Manager role that requires 5 / 6 years experience in the industry. I have 7.

I went through the first interview and they came back saying they would like me to progress to a second interview but with a more "junior" role in mind. This junior role is the exact same title I had when I left my previous company 3 years ago. These companies operate by a ranking progression every 3 years in the sense of (Associate 1-3, Senior Associate 1-3, Manager 1-3 etc). They want me to attend the second interview for a Senior Associate 1 position when I was already a Senior Associate 1 three years ago in a similar firm. Logically, I should be at manager level now especially as I have more than the required experience in the job description.

This is huge blow to my confidence because despite my experience and the fact that I interview well, I'm not deemed to be good enough for other than a junior role.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I was put forward for a Manager role that requires 5 / 6 years experience in the industry. I have 7.

I went through the first interview and they came back saying they would like me to progress to a second interview but with a more "junior" role in mind. This junior role is the exact same title I had when I left my previous company 3 years ago. These companies operate by a ranking progression every 3 years in the sense of (Associate 1-3, Senior Associate 1-3, Manager 1-3 etc). They want me to attend the second interview for a Senior Associate 1 position when I was already a Senior Associate 1 three years ago in a similar firm. Logically, I should be at manager level now especially as I have more than the required experience in the job description.

This is huge blow to my confidence because despite my experience and the fact that I interview well, I'm not deemed to be good enough for other than a junior role.

Are we talking about the same job you’ve already told us multiple times that you hate/you struggle with/no support from anyone/you are expected to do everything/they wouldn’t give you a break when your father died/the contact you at all hours of the day and night and expect you to jump???????

 

[TheGlossy]

Are we talking about the same job you’ve already told us multiple times that you hate/you struggle with/no support from anyone/you are expected to do everything/they wouldn’t give you a break when your father died/the contact you at all hours of the day and night and expect you to jump???????

No, it's a different company.

The situation has gotten far worse at my current job (the one you highlighted), so I am trying to exit as fast as I possibly can.