Thank you for all of your concern and advice last night, it does mean a lot that I had somewhere as an outlet when I felt at my most vulnerable. Sadly discovered he genuinely does feel suicidal, or at least has strong thoughts of suicide due to work but last night it all boiled over and now he is going to get professional help. We'll be ok, he's never ever behaved like this before and I truly believe it won't happen again
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@Games345 Hope you are all ok and best wishes x
Look after yourself too
My relationship with my parents is so toxic and strained. So much trauma over the last 15 years or so and I'm debating just cutting contact. I literally don't even know where to start in explaining it all 
I already feel like I don't have parents and I'm alone in the world apart from my own children.
I already feel like I don't have parents and I'm alone in the world apart from my own children.We are sometimes under an illusion, that family is everything. Blood is thicker than water, we have Mother's day, Father's day......My relationship with my parents is so toxic and strained. So much trauma over the last 15 years or so and I'm debating just cutting contact. I literally don't even know where to start in explaining it all
Strip back that illusion and you will find that each and every family is unique. Sometimes we want to look up to our Parents for comfort, support, education, guidance, love, but what we get back is a person who is selfish, self-serving, arrogant, ignorant (the list can go on....).
I have personally, made the choice to close the door on a very toxic set of people in my life. There was a song a few years ago which had a line "if you tolerate this, then your children will be next" (admit, I'm not a fan of the song lol, but the words are very meaningful).
For me, the limit was when I realised that in "doing the right thing" and allowing these people around my children, they were simply repeating the same vile, toxic ways that had left me very broken. Did I want that for my children? hell no. I did try and discuss it, offer solutions to things, but they were simply batted away and I was put down, this indicated to me that I had two choices.
One was to keep plodding, keep feeling worthless, pointless and allow my children to go through the same journey.
Two, stop this from continuing further, for me and my children.
I opted for Two, it's been well over 10 years for some and 15 for others and I can honestly tell you, for the first time in my life, I could breath. Like actually feel this huge monster climb off my shoulders, stop weighing me down and I could walk taller, calmer, happier. Even that took a little while to adapt to. But if felt so good and I finally understood just how awful my life had been prior to that.
I have not had regrets. Not one. I hear through mutuals that the other parties continue to squabble, fall out, hurt each other. I feel nothing, not even numb, actually nothing.
My children are now in their 20's and haven't ever felt like they missed out, because once the garbage was removed, decent folk became part of my family and friends and we have been able to make new memories and fun.
I hope that might inspire you to consider what you'd like to do. Sending you love x
Thank you for your reply. For me I think I'm almost waiting for my nan who is 80 now to pass away, as I know it would break her heart if I did cut contact from the family. She's been through so much in her life I couldn't do that to her, and I couldn't keep a contact with her without seeing everyone else due to the proximity of where they live. So I think for now its step away but not a total cutting off, its putting the foot down on Christmases and things like that that - no im not going to travel to you and be uncomfortable all day long. I guess I need to learn to let the things my mother does to hurt me slide off for now, and to an extent I do, but still everytime I see her and her husband im left feeling hurt, annoyed, embarrassed and gernally a bit pissed off!!
I can understand you waiting a little while. You can take small steps to begin making things calmer for yourself. This will feel like you are using new muscles you haven't used before
If you normally visit say every week, you can start to move that to every fortnight, then every month. If you phone each day, start to phone every 3/4 days then once a week. You'll find as you put a little space between you, it gives you a bit more courage and faith in yourself and your ability to do just fine without all the aggro. x
My relationship with my mum is toxic, strained, any negative word under the sun completely describes it. Last year I made the decision to cut her and her family off due to a really traumatising event last year.My relationship with my parents is so toxic and strained. So much trauma over the last 15 years or so and I'm debating just cutting contact. I literally don't even know where to start in explaining it all
It's instilled in our brains that we are supposed to keep our family in our lives regardless of what they do to us etc but as soon as somebody's negative impact really outweighs the positive on your life, it's important to realise that they need to go if you are in a position to do so.
Getting rid of them was a good thing I've done for myself and I'm now in the process of getting therapy to heal from the things they've put me through.
I hope you find the strength to do the same x
This is the last nail in the coffin with my employer. I was off on sick leave for a 3 weeks last month (one week 1 annual leave and 2 weeks sick leave). The company provides full sick pay based on the employee handbook and contract. I took a look at my upcoming salary and they deducted those 2 weeks from my salary, leaving me with a reduced one. It's my first time ever going on sick leave, so it's not like I'm abusing the system. I think my previous manager never submitted my note to HR for payroll purposes.
I really needed the money this month because I have some legalities related to my dad's death I need to sort out. I honestly can't believe this. I don't know if it's a case where my manager didn't do their job or HR, but it is not fair I was not told they were not going to pay me at all for those 2 weeks when the employee handbook stipulates we get full pay. I've reached out to HR to understand what exactly happened because my manager has left. Hopefully, it will get sorted. My manager kept saying "take all the time you need" but that's because he knew full well they were screwing me over and all that time would be deducted from my salary.
I'm honestly on the verge of tears now because I can't do this anymore. Out of everything, I can't on top of his handle this.
I really needed the money this month because I have some legalities related to my dad's death I need to sort out. I honestly can't believe this. I don't know if it's a case where my manager didn't do their job or HR, but it is not fair I was not told they were not going to pay me at all for those 2 weeks when the employee handbook stipulates we get full pay. I've reached out to HR to understand what exactly happened because my manager has left. Hopefully, it will get sorted. My manager kept saying "take all the time you need" but that's because he knew full well they were screwing me over and all that time would be deducted from my salary.
I'm honestly on the verge of tears now because I can't do this anymore. Out of everything, I can't on top of his handle this.
Speak to HR, clarify what’s going on. If it’s a mistake, you’ll get the money but maybe next month. As for the costs relating to your fathers estate - what are you doing…? Why on earth are you paying for anything regarding it??????!!!! Seriously?????? It’s not your responsibility. Your mother is his next of kin and the benefactor of his will - she can pay whatever it is that needs paying!!!!!! Stop absorbing all of these extra pressures and costs that are nothing to do with you.
@TheGlossy As Betty says, your main priority right now, is to get the pay situation sorted out. Make sure you show attachments of the handbook, with highlighted areas and if your manager put anything in writing about taking time off, show that too.
It's irrelevant that the Manager has now left, at the time, they were the Manager in charge of your team. Don't let them fob you off at all. If you need to pull your belt in financially (because as Betty says, they might fix things, but put it onto next month's wages instead of sending it now), then have a look at all your bills (things like gas/electric/council tax type stuff) and contact each of them to see if they offer any sort of payment holiday scheme.
I am very much feeling for you with regards to the family situation. So let's break this down a bit as I feel you are very probably overwhelmed at the moment.
For you, it's still incredibly early days of grieving. Remember that you have had a difficult situation familywise, so your way of grieving may look completely different to how others would do so. You aren't gathered together in a living room, showing family albums, watching videos together and letting some tears out.
There is no correct or incorrect way to grieve, it has no time limit, no use by date, it's going to work it's own way through and if you don't take a little bit of time for yourself, it could well creep up on you and whack you big time in a few weeks, or months, making you ill. So you could do with some peace and quiet to process everything, so your mind, heart and body can all breath and think.
Your family (Mum and siblings) are clearly designating you as their Driver (of the estate paperwork) so I'm going to tell you, there are also taxi's, buses, trains and planes out there ok and you can hang your keys up, without feeling any guilt at all.
I want you to do one thing (and frankly and honestly, you don't even owe this) but I know that you are a decent person, you do have a heart and I don't want you to feel sad, bad or in pain because you feel you didn't do something.
Find a Solicitor, in their area (not yours) who covers family law, wills and probate. That is the section of law needed. Now this person will take a fee for their time, their services and so on, but you know what? You are NOT covering it. The family, who are receiving a roof over their heads, food in their tums, money should Mother pass and leave it to them (and she may not do that either) they can all get together and assist her with the help of a paid professional.
Should you screw up, forget something, not do it right, you could potentially cost them a lot of money and stress, I promise you, you don't want that, so for your own safety and health, I'm asking you to please arrange the Solicitor numbers, then pass it to the family and let them do the ringing round, booking and working with to sort the financial stuff out.
You can then removed yourself from that mega pile of steaming stress and pain and take very good care of yourself. How does that sound to you? x
It's irrelevant that the Manager has now left, at the time, they were the Manager in charge of your team. Don't let them fob you off at all. If you need to pull your belt in financially (because as Betty says, they might fix things, but put it onto next month's wages instead of sending it now), then have a look at all your bills (things like gas/electric/council tax type stuff) and contact each of them to see if they offer any sort of payment holiday scheme.
I am very much feeling for you with regards to the family situation. So let's break this down a bit as I feel you are very probably overwhelmed at the moment.
For you, it's still incredibly early days of grieving. Remember that you have had a difficult situation familywise, so your way of grieving may look completely different to how others would do so. You aren't gathered together in a living room, showing family albums, watching videos together and letting some tears out.
There is no correct or incorrect way to grieve, it has no time limit, no use by date, it's going to work it's own way through and if you don't take a little bit of time for yourself, it could well creep up on you and whack you big time in a few weeks, or months, making you ill. So you could do with some peace and quiet to process everything, so your mind, heart and body can all breath and think.
Your family (Mum and siblings) are clearly designating you as their Driver (of the estate paperwork) so I'm going to tell you, there are also taxi's, buses, trains and planes out there ok
and you can hang your keys up, without feeling any guilt at all.I want you to do one thing (and frankly and honestly, you don't even owe this) but I know that you are a decent person, you do have a heart and I don't want you to feel sad, bad or in pain because you feel you didn't do something.
Find a Solicitor, in their area (not yours) who covers family law, wills and probate. That is the section of law needed. Now this person will take a fee for their time, their services and so on, but you know what? You are NOT covering it. The family, who are receiving a roof over their heads, food in their tums, money should Mother pass and leave it to them (and she may not do that either) they can all get together and assist her with the help of a paid professional.
Should you screw up, forget something, not do it right, you could potentially cost them a lot of money and stress, I promise you, you don't want that, so for your own safety and health, I'm asking you to please arrange the Solicitor numbers, then pass it to the family and let them do the ringing round, booking and working with to sort the financial stuff out.
You can then removed yourself from that mega pile of steaming stress and pain and take very good care of yourself. How does that sound to you? x
To add to this Glossy, maybe see if they can do run an emergency payroll? I’ve had something similar happen in terms of sick pay and they did that for me.
@BettyCrockerr @didn't want to join
Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate it
I sent an email to HR as soon as I saw the amount due to be paid. They have not responded to me yet. This week is a bank holiday week over here, so chances are, any correction will be reflected next month. The bills and day to day expenses are sorted, so this won't impact them. My main issue is that I was planning on helping my family out this month instead of putting into my savings and it seems that with my reduced salary, I will have to just stick to my day to day expenses. Perhaps it is a sign I should hold off, I don't know.
The image about buses, trains and planes really made me laugh @didn't want to join! Thank you for that, I really needed it!
I think my grief is getting mixed up with pressure from all angles and I'm losing all patience. It's turning into anger. Anything can throw my off the edge. I honestly have to admit that I am annoyed because I have the burden of dealing with my dad's estate, while my siblings and mother are not doing anything. They're just grieving and living their lives (and complaining things are moving slowly). Therefore, I find myself in a situation where my grief is intellectualized, not felt and instead of focusing on myself, I'm focusing on everyone else around me.
My dad did not have a complex estate. He just had a mortgage protection on the house and a life insurance (and a debt or two). I have a legal and financial background, so these things are not overly complicated for me to understand. They live in France, so the laws are quite different over there. You don't really need a lawyer for these things. If the estate is under a particular threshold and there was no will involved (as it is the case for my dad), there is no requirement for a lawyer. Most people tend to sort these things out themselves. The paperwork is quite straight-forward, but time-consuming and French administration is highly bureaucratic, so everything takes ages. I know in the UK / US / Ireland, it is customary to hire a lawyer, but it's not really the case in France. It's the pressure to get everything done at a distance and my mom's pressure and work (just last week I did 15 hours of overtime) that's getting to me.
I keep supporting everyone, but I have no one supporting me in real life. Everyone is piling their expectations on me and I'm stuck in the middle. I have a hard time saying "no" (it already took a lot of out me to go on sick leave) and I would feel guilty not assisting with my dad's paperwork at this stage. It's more guilt that's pushing me to do all these things. I however simply don't think it's fair my mother and brother only reached out to me to place this burden on me and have done nothing to help at all. I don't think my family is in a position to hire an external party even if they wanted to. My dad left them with a few debts (not a lot, but to them it is), so they're trying to keep their head above water. I can't just drop them and force them to hire someone when they don't have the means to. It would be like kicking someone when they're down.
They robbed me of so many things in this process - actually I was robbed of the entire grieving process I feel as though.
Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate it
I sent an email to HR as soon as I saw the amount due to be paid. They have not responded to me yet. This week is a bank holiday week over here, so chances are, any correction will be reflected next month. The bills and day to day expenses are sorted, so this won't impact them. My main issue is that I was planning on helping my family out this month instead of putting into my savings and it seems that with my reduced salary, I will have to just stick to my day to day expenses. Perhaps it is a sign I should hold off, I don't know.
The image about buses, trains and planes really made me laugh @didn't want to join! Thank you for that, I really needed it!
I think my grief is getting mixed up with pressure from all angles and I'm losing all patience. It's turning into anger. Anything can throw my off the edge. I honestly have to admit that I am annoyed because I have the burden of dealing with my dad's estate, while my siblings and mother are not doing anything. They're just grieving and living their lives (and complaining things are moving slowly). Therefore, I find myself in a situation where my grief is intellectualized, not felt and instead of focusing on myself, I'm focusing on everyone else around me.
My dad did not have a complex estate. He just had a mortgage protection on the house and a life insurance (and a debt or two). I have a legal and financial background, so these things are not overly complicated for me to understand. They live in France, so the laws are quite different over there. You don't really need a lawyer for these things. If the estate is under a particular threshold and there was no will involved (as it is the case for my dad), there is no requirement for a lawyer. Most people tend to sort these things out themselves. The paperwork is quite straight-forward, but time-consuming and French administration is highly bureaucratic, so everything takes ages. I know in the UK / US / Ireland, it is customary to hire a lawyer, but it's not really the case in France. It's the pressure to get everything done at a distance and my mom's pressure and work (just last week I did 15 hours of overtime) that's getting to me.
I keep supporting everyone, but I have no one supporting me in real life. Everyone is piling their expectations on me and I'm stuck in the middle. I have a hard time saying "no" (it already took a lot of out me to go on sick leave) and I would feel guilty not assisting with my dad's paperwork at this stage. It's more guilt that's pushing me to do all these things. I however simply don't think it's fair my mother and brother only reached out to me to place this burden on me and have done nothing to help at all. I don't think my family is in a position to hire an external party even if they wanted to. My dad left them with a few debts (not a lot, but to them it is), so they're trying to keep their head above water. I can't just drop them and force them to hire someone when they don't have the means to. It would be like kicking someone when they're down.
They robbed me of so many things in this process - actually I was robbed of the entire grieving process I feel as though.
Can I ask, why is it you feel that you need to financially support your mother and your two adult siblings? When you don’t have any semblance of a relationship with your mother, and when your siblings are both adults?@BettyCrockerr @didn't want to join
Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate it
I sent an email to HR as soon as I saw the amount due to be paid. They have not responded to me yet. This week is a bank holiday week over here, so chances are, any correction will be reflected next month. The bills and day to day expenses are sorted, so this won't impact them. My main issue is that I was planning on helping my family out this month instead of putting into my savings and it seems that with my reduced salary, I will have to just stick to my day to day expenses. Perhaps it is a sign I should hold off, I don't know.
The image about buses, trains and planes really made me laugh @didn't want to join! Thank you for that, I really needed it!
I think my grief is getting mixed up with pressure from all angles and I'm losing all patience. It's turning into anger. Anything can throw my off the edge. I honestly have to admit that I am annoyed because I have the burden of dealing with my dad's estate, while my siblings and mother are not doing anything. They're just grieving and living their lives (and complaining things are moving slowly). Therefore, I find myself in a situation where my grief is intellectualized, not felt and instead of focusing on myself, I'm focusing on everyone else around me.
My dad did not have a complex estate. He just had a mortgage protection on the house and a life insurance (and a debt or two). I have a legal and financial background, so these things are not overly complicated for me to understand. They live in France, so the laws are quite different over there. You don't really need a lawyer for these things. If the estate is under a particular threshold and there was no will involved (as it is the case for my dad), there is no requirement for a lawyer. Most people tend to sort these things out themselves. The paperwork is quite straight-forward, but time-consuming and French administration is highly bureaucratic, so everything takes ages. I know in the UK / US / Ireland, it is customary to hire a lawyer, but it's not really the case in France. It's the pressure to get everything done at a distance and my mom's pressure and work (just last week I did 15 hours of overtime) that's getting to me.
I keep supporting everyone, but I have no one supporting me in real life. Everyone is piling their expectations on me and I'm stuck in the middle. I have a hard time saying "no" (it already took a lot of out me to go on sick leave) and I would feel guilty not assisting with my dad's paperwork at this stage. It's more guilt that's pushing me to do all these things. I however simply don't think it's fair my mother and brother only reached out to me to place this burden on me and have done nothing to help at all. I don't think my family is in a position to hire an external party even if they wanted to. My dad left them with a few debts (not a lot, but to them it is), so they're trying to keep their head above water. I can't just drop them and force them to hire someone when they don't have the means to. It would be like kicking someone when they're down.
They robbed me of so many things in this process - actually I was robbed of the entire grieving process I feel as though.
@TheGlossy
I noticed you very elegantly explained about French law and why there is no need for a Solicitor (lawyer). So re-read that as if another person was sharing that with you, you'd note that a) it's very simple and straightforward b) it doesn't cost anything.
We'll pause and reflect. Your Brother is not a child, I'm sure you mentioned he's a good age to understand and help.
He appears to have a relatively quiet life, with not much being asked of him.
When this estate is settled, do you believe that you might be given any sort of little amount or maybe a little token item, like cufflinks (so you could pass them on one day to a child of yours, as a family heirloom?) or a little ornament that came from a holiday you shared as a child? That sort of thing.
If the answer is probably a no, then what's happening is that they are fueling their lives from your life petrol and not paying you for it. You are right to be concerned for your wage shortage, but they are doing a similar thing and you are not noticing, they are also short-changing you.
I want you to really understand, this isn't simply the elder child, the one with the training and knowledge taking charge for all, you are in effect, being taken full advantage of and it's not fair or ok.
This is why I'm suggesting you offer them details for someone to take over what they are asking of you........ once they see how much it may cost, they will take over themselves (and possibly, although doubtful, realise how much you were actually trying to do).
At this time, even before this situation developed, you were noting things in your life that you wanted to update, change or consider.
If you are able to pop this back to them, then you can focus on you and where you want to be.
I noticed you very elegantly explained about French law and why there is no need for a Solicitor (lawyer). So re-read that as if another person was sharing that with you, you'd note that a) it's very simple and straightforward b) it doesn't cost anything.
We'll pause and reflect. Your Brother is not a child, I'm sure you mentioned he's a good age to understand and help.
He appears to have a relatively quiet life, with not much being asked of him.
When this estate is settled, do you believe that you might be given any sort of little amount or maybe a little token item, like cufflinks (so you could pass them on one day to a child of yours, as a family heirloom?) or a little ornament that came from a holiday you shared as a child? That sort of thing.
If the answer is probably a no, then what's happening is that they are fueling their lives from your life petrol and not paying you for it. You are right to be concerned for your wage shortage, but they are doing a similar thing and you are not noticing, they are also short-changing you.
I want you to really understand, this isn't simply the elder child, the one with the training and knowledge taking charge for all, you are in effect, being taken full advantage of and it's not fair or ok.
This is why I'm suggesting you offer them details for someone to take over what they are asking of you........ once they see how much it may cost, they will take over themselves (and possibly, although doubtful, realise how much you were actually trying to do).
At this time, even before this situation developed, you were noting things in your life that you wanted to update, change or consider.
If you are able to pop this back to them, then you can focus on you and where you want to be.
To be honest, I feel as though I have to. My brother and mother have strong tempers and I know that if I choose not to help, they will track me down and send me abusive / vile emails. It happened in the past. I don't think my dad would want me to let them down either, at least, not my siblings. My brother, I agree, is being unreasonable. He is 25 and should be assisting with these matters and get a proper job instead of sleeping all day and just waking up to see his friend and dine out.
I moved out to go to college abroad at 18 and I worked my behind off to find a job when I finished college at 24. I literally didn't have a penny in my pocket and moved to another country with less than €100 which I managed until I got my very first pay. I hate to admit it, but at the time, I even had to couch surf at two strangers until I got my first pay. All because my parents refused to give me a penny to help me when I had drained my college grants to help them out on various occasions. It taught me a lot.
My brother has always been the "golden" child. He can do no wrong. My mom originally told me my brother wanted to find me after my dad's death (as I said before, we were estranged for 6 years) because he "needed his sister" then she admitted to me during my visit that they didn't know what to do with the paperwork when my dad first died and my brother told her "don't worry, I'll track TheGlossy down and she'll take care of it all". It was a slap in the face.
@didn't want to join A lot of what you said rings true, unfortunately. I'm not getting anything from this estate for sure. My mother is the sole beneficiary and she certainly won't give me a penny because she says she needs the money to take care of my (adult) siblings. I never asked for any money but I know I won't get any. We don't have any family heirlooms, so nothing unfortunately. Only a bunch of pictures.
My mother told me that once I'm done with all the death-related paperwork, she's looking to sell the family home towards the end of the year and I will need to conduct the process. Personally, once I sort out the death-related matters, that is it. I'm not getting myself involved in another stressful administrative cycle that could take years and that I have no expertise on. I told her she will have to hire a professional because I'm not a real estate agent or lawyer and she said no - at that point I just said then it won't get sold and that's it. I can't put my life on hold to be their life-long servant while getting zero gratitude or respect and back to back tantrums from a grown woman who can't understand that estate processes are time lengthy.
While I cut her some slack that she did not get an education when she was a child, she moved to a developed country and my dad enrolled her in various schools to learn how to write or read and in almost 30 years of attending bi-weekly lessons, and she still can't write a single sentence. She's shown no effort to emancipate herself and directed her energy towards the wrong things. I have aunts who grew up with absolutely non education and within 5 years of them moving to a new country, they learned the language and even got their driving licenses and a jobs. It drives me insane that both my brother and her who were given the tools to fend for themselves choose to be passive.
They are indeed fuelling their lives from my life petrol and showing no appreciation whatsoever. I haven't been able to properly focus on my grief or next steps for changes I want to make. I hate to think this way because I feel selfish, but the reality is that they don't care about me much anyways.
I moved out to go to college abroad at 18 and I worked my behind off to find a job when I finished college at 24. I literally didn't have a penny in my pocket and moved to another country with less than €100 which I managed until I got my very first pay. I hate to admit it, but at the time, I even had to couch surf at two strangers until I got my first pay. All because my parents refused to give me a penny to help me when I had drained my college grants to help them out on various occasions. It taught me a lot.
My brother has always been the "golden" child. He can do no wrong. My mom originally told me my brother wanted to find me after my dad's death (as I said before, we were estranged for 6 years) because he "needed his sister" then she admitted to me during my visit that they didn't know what to do with the paperwork when my dad first died and my brother told her "don't worry, I'll track TheGlossy down and she'll take care of it all". It was a slap in the face.
@didn't want to join A lot of what you said rings true, unfortunately. I'm not getting anything from this estate for sure. My mother is the sole beneficiary and she certainly won't give me a penny because she says she needs the money to take care of my (adult) siblings. I never asked for any money but I know I won't get any. We don't have any family heirlooms, so nothing unfortunately. Only a bunch of pictures.
My mother told me that once I'm done with all the death-related paperwork, she's looking to sell the family home towards the end of the year and I will need to conduct the process. Personally, once I sort out the death-related matters, that is it. I'm not getting myself involved in another stressful administrative cycle that could take years and that I have no expertise on. I told her she will have to hire a professional because I'm not a real estate agent or lawyer and she said no - at that point I just said then it won't get sold and that's it. I can't put my life on hold to be their life-long servant while getting zero gratitude or respect and back to back tantrums from a grown woman who can't understand that estate processes are time lengthy.
While I cut her some slack that she did not get an education when she was a child, she moved to a developed country and my dad enrolled her in various schools to learn how to write or read and in almost 30 years of attending bi-weekly lessons, and she still can't write a single sentence. She's shown no effort to emancipate herself and directed her energy towards the wrong things. I have aunts who grew up with absolutely non education and within 5 years of them moving to a new country, they learned the language and even got their driving licenses and a jobs. It drives me insane that both my brother and her who were given the tools to fend for themselves choose to be passive.
They are indeed fuelling their lives from my life petrol and showing no appreciation whatsoever. I haven't been able to properly focus on my grief or next steps for changes I want to make. I hate to think this way because I feel selfish, but the reality is that they don't care about me much anyways.
trust me when I say this; you absolutely, categorically, 100% have no obligation whatsoever to financially prop up these people. None. They are all grown adults and frankly their situations are neither here nor there. They treat you like absolute tit, they are abusive towards you and you still
Going to put yourself out and hand them money? Come on. You know that’s not right.
your mum must have money/access to money? If not, why not? That’s her own mess to sort out. Your brother is a grown man. You are not responsible for him, his life, or his finances.
I really really really wish that you would just take a step back here;
stop for second and think about this logically. This is just madness.
They are related to you by blood but these people are not your family, they are awful to you, treat you badly, you won’t get any thanks for helping them with the will/paperwork, you won’t get anything from your fathers estate, and all you are going to do is pile yet more stress, drama, frustration and sadness on your plate when you can make a choice not to.
This is the point now where you need to stand up for yourself and just stop. Stop all of this and just let all of this bull end.
Hi all. I would be grateful for some advice. I have a friend I have known since childhood, so over 20 years. She lives in another country but we message daily and see each other when we can. Over the years she has had a lot of things go wrong in her life and slowly she has become very negative in her outlook. I am the opposite and we have clashed over this in the past. Things came to a head last year and we didn't talk for some time. Anyway, we got past that and things were ok again but I had started to try to distance myself from her as I find it hard talking to her a lot due to how different her views are from mine and how negative she is. Things have got a lot worse for her in the last few months (loss of job, money problems, not being able to get certain qualifications, being ghosted and dumped by men, losing friends) and she has started having
. She said she's getting help. Due to her money problems, she is at home all day and told me she is trapped in her house. She hasn't reached out to family for help and only one other friend really knows the extent of what's going on. I feel stuck because I feel I need to check in with her and she if she's ok but as soon as I talk to her I feel anxious and really don't enjoy it. I can't tell her anything about myself as I don't want to trigger her (anything small like getting my nails done can trigger her as she will say she can't afford to get hers done, for example). I don't feel I can abandon her (especially as a lot of her negative thoughts stem from her friends losing touch with her) and would feel horrible if something happened to her. Essentially, I feel guilted into talking to her and on eggshells in case I say something wrong. Her situation is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I feel it has been one sided for a long time and we have really become different people. I just don't know what to do!
suicidal thoughts
It can be hard to reach out to family and since you live in different countries it’s probably easier to offload all her problems when talking to someone she can’t actually see face to face. Often the things life throws at you can dampen your outlook on things, however I do think her being triggered by you getting your nails done is a bit ridiculous. It’s not your fault she can’t afford that. You could try just being there for her to talk too, as that might help her get some things off her chest and if it gets too much then you could just say to her that you’re sorry for the way things have turned out for her but you can’t just be someone for her dump all her negative thoughts onto. You’re her friend not a therapist!
It can be hard keeping friends you’ve known since childhood as people change so much and I know you want to keep that friendship but a friendship works both ways. She shouldn’t be bringing you down because she’s struggling and you shouldn’t feel like you can’t share things about your own life because it might trigger her.
@yankydoo
Over time, we all have lots of life experiences and grow and sometimes, people we enjoyed in our childhood become adults we may not have as much in common with anymore.
When the other person has some health concerns (mental or physical) it can make it feel difficult to detach or distance. The love and friendship you once shared, leaves you with a little guilt or uncomfortable feeling, to simply finish things and walk away.
The first thing you need to consider is if you want things to change or things to end. Don't simply stick with your friend, out of habit or some sense of loyalty due to the length of time your friendship has survived so far. You may have realised your friend won't change.
See if you can make some suggestions to your friend about where to find help and support local to them. Counselling or maybe even a group, perhaps their GP? That will help them to not only have immediate support and care, but also there may be an underlying reason why they feel this way and medication, treatment, therapy could help them going forwards (whether you are there or not).
Once they have those things to consider (again, you can't force anyone to have help, but it's good to let them know about it) then you can begin to either consider being up front and telling your friend that you feel you may have grown apart and wish them well and detach from your friendship.
Or you could simply detach completely and not answer any further contact from them.
You do have every right to look after yourself and sometimes being in touch with someone who can't celebrate your good days, your achievements, your fun things, your life, despite whatever they have going on (and I don't say that in any rude way) then it does make it nigh on impossible to reach any middle ground and the friendship to bring any value to you both.
Over time, we all have lots of life experiences and grow and sometimes, people we enjoyed in our childhood become adults we may not have as much in common with anymore.
When the other person has some health concerns (mental or physical) it can make it feel difficult to detach or distance. The love and friendship you once shared, leaves you with a little guilt or uncomfortable feeling, to simply finish things and walk away.
The first thing you need to consider is if you want things to change or things to end. Don't simply stick with your friend, out of habit or some sense of loyalty due to the length of time your friendship has survived so far. You may have realised your friend won't change.
See if you can make some suggestions to your friend about where to find help and support local to them. Counselling or maybe even a group, perhaps their GP? That will help them to not only have immediate support and care, but also there may be an underlying reason why they feel this way and medication, treatment, therapy could help them going forwards (whether you are there or not).
Once they have those things to consider (again, you can't force anyone to have help, but it's good to let them know about it) then you can begin to either consider being up front and telling your friend that you feel you may have grown apart and wish them well and detach from your friendship.
Or you could simply detach completely and not answer any further contact from them.
You do have every right to look after yourself and sometimes being in touch with someone who can't celebrate your good days, your achievements, your fun things, your life, despite whatever they have going on (and I don't say that in any rude way) then it does make it nigh on impossible to reach any middle ground and the friendship to bring any value to you both.
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