Support for anyone that needs to vent #2

[Sheabutter]

Thank you very much for your kind response. I’ve talked with my therapist today. Unfortunately, I can’t do more than one session a week but I have let her know my concerns around communicating “boundaries” (air quotes because I’m not even sure if they are my actual boundaries or ones I put up for self defense unnecessarily) and she said if the other person seems fine with me, then I should not ruminate or address it over and over again. So, with my therapist’s recommendation, I am working on not staying stuck on a blip in an otherwise great relationship and not talking about it over and over again because then it might become a strain. Right now, I am trying to tell myself I am going to be fine. Thank you for your kind words. I took Monday off to tend to myself and then yesterday, I texted him casually after work hours. I did slip in a small apology saying hey, if I was standoffish or awkward, I apologize because I am not used to having people over but I had a great weekend. He said no need to apologize at all as he didn’t find me awkward or anything. And then asked me if I’d like to meet up again this week for a hike. So, I am trying to think that things are all good. I am also trying to not obsess over the texting chat anymore (or at least not bring it up again or apologize again and again).

Well done!!! Have a great time!

 

[veevee04]

My OH is such a lazy man sometimes the house is a pigsty he works from home I'm currently working 50 hour weeks on my nursing placement. He wouldn't even go to the shop last night to buy some Calpol 6 plus for our daughter who had a sore throat I'd just got in from working a 13 hour shift. I'm sick of doing all the emotional and most of physical labour. He won't ever go shopping I kicked off went and got it he then asks how much he owes me and starts loading the dishwasher as he could tell I was fuming. I did want another baby but the thought of starting again with a newborn and a lazy bloke has put me off.

 

[didn't want to join]

My OH is such a lazy man sometimes the house is a pigsty he works from home I'm currently working 50 hour weeks on my nursing placement. He wouldn't even go to the shop last night to buy some Calpol 6 plus for our daughter who had a sore throat I'd just got in from working a 13 hour shift. I'm sick of doing all the emotional and most of physical labour. He won't ever go shopping I kicked off went and got it he then asks how much he owes me and starts loading the dishwasher as he could tell I was fuming. I did want another baby but the thought of starting again with a newborn and a lazy bloke has put me off.

A few months back, a couple of people within my household made a jovial comment, which descended into all out war, over who did the most, who wasn't pulling their weight and so on.

I was shocked to actually hear the person who did minimum things feeling they were the hardest working person both in and out of the house.

So to get some sense back into the household, we decided for a week, to write down what we did (not a minute by minute thing) a kind of mini diary of events.

One person had worked 9-4.30 on their sheet. Another had various things like washing up (once) and their day hours at work.

It was then discovered that one person, when all the hours were added up of work and taking care of household things, did almost 2 and a half times what others did.

We then set up a system of things to assure that many household things were shared a little more evenly round.

Occasionally, others don't realise how much they leave for others to do, it's good to remind them and discuss it

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Aggghhh! I need a rant about my soon to be ex husband. He's been really difficult about various things, including childcare.
He keeps threatening that he won't look after the children whilst I'm at work. I've already had to adjust my work hours because he won't cover my whole shift pattern. I can't quite believe he'd happily force me to leave my job. Who does that?!

He's also refusing to look after them whilst I attend two social things. Both of which were booked before we separated and which he had previously agreed (after the separation) to help with. One is a concert next month which I was really looking forward to and the other is a weekend away later in the year for a milestone birthday. I know these are really trivial compared to the major potential work problem but I don't go out very often and I'm just really disappointed.

I'm really trying not to let it get to me. I know it's all just part of a coercion type issue from him. I just don't understand how someone can be so spiteful. I also feel it's really off of him to be using the children as part of a way to get at me. I don't know if I'm over reacting with the last bit though because it's not like they are aware of what he's doing.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Aggghhh! I need a rant about my soon to be ex husband. He's been really difficult about various things, including childcare.
He keeps threatening that he won't look after the children whilst I'm at work. I've already had to adjust my work hours because he won't cover my whole shift pattern. I can't quite believe he'd happily force me to leave my job. Who does that?!

He's also refusing to look after them whilst I attend two social things. Both of which were booked before we separated and which he had previously agreed (after the separation) to help with. One is a concert next month which I was really looking forward to and the other is a weekend away later in the year for a milestone birthday. I know these are really trivial compared to the major potential work problem but I don't go out very often and I'm just really disappointed.

I'm really trying not to let it get to me. I know it's all just part of a coercion type issue from him. I just don't understand how someone can be so spiteful. I also feel it's really off of him to be using the children as part of a way to get at me. I don't know if I'm over reacting with the last bit though because it's not like they are aware of what he's doing.

He’s using the children to control you and to hurt you.
First off - you need to get something more robust and legally binding in place regarding childcare.
secondly - you need to find another avenue of childcare so that you aren’t reliant on him. Can you ask a relative/friend to have the kids for these 2 times you’ve mentioned? To remove your ex from the entire scenario?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

He’s using the children to control you and to hurt you.
First off - you need to get something more robust and legally binding in place regarding childcare.
secondly - you need to find another avenue of childcare so that you aren’t reliant on him. Can you ask a relative/friend to have the kids for these 2 times you’ve mentioned? To remove your ex from the entire scenario?

There isn't anyone else to have the children unfortunately. My parents are already helping a fair bit but they are older and not in the best health and I just can't put on them anymore.

I've given the concert tickets to the friend I was going with. Better someone uses them. The weekend I'll just cancel but I can't get a refund on what I've already paid unfortunately.

Work wise, my hours are antisocial. Currently he comes and stays here to have them and when he does that I go to my parents overnight after work. My early shifts are too early for before school clubs. Unfortunately it means I am reliant on him for childcare. Which he is clearly playing on.

He's rented a room in a converted resential home, with a shared kitchen and bathroom, so he cannot have the children to stay with him. He earns enough money to have rented somewhere more suitable but has chosen not to.

The childcare arrangements will be part of the divorce. It's become clear that a more causal arrangement won't be suitable and it will have to go through court which is going to cost a lot according to my solicitor.

Everything is just so slow. I filed for divorce weeks ago but I'm not even sure he's recieved the paperwork yet so I'm worried once he does that will cause a problem too. There is other stuff going on within the situation that complicates it although I have got support from Women's Aid with that and they have been absolutely brilliant.

I'm trying to keep focused on that whatever happens I'm better off because I have removed us from a toxic situation. I'm truly happier in myself than I've been for a long time and the children seem much happier too. It's just really stressful.

 

[Blue Rose]

My dad just found out my sister sh and he’s flipping out. He’s acting as if she hurt him and I’m worried he’s going to blame it on me because he knows I used to do the same. Tbh I wish she’d just covered it up. She’s always walking around in T-shirts and sits next to him so it’s no surprise he saw it.
Why does he have to act like this? He’s just yelling at her now acting as if she’s done something horrible. Tbh he’s probably the reason she did it since he’s being so hard on her about school work.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

My dad just found out my sister sh and he’s flipping out. He’s acting as if she hurt him and I’m worried he’s going to blame it on me because he knows I used to do the same. Tbh I wish she’d just covered it up. She’s always walking around in T-shirts and sits next to him so it’s no surprise he saw it.
Why does he have to act like this? He’s just yelling at her now acting as if she’s done something horrible. Tbh he’s probably the reason she did it since he’s being so hard on her about school work.

Yet again, a situation with your sister & Dad are you turn it around and make it all about you and you blame your sister. There’s a pattern here.

Is your mum around or is it just you and your Dad & sister?

 

[Sheabutter]

My dad just found out my sister sh and he’s flipping out. He’s acting as if she hurt him and I’m worried he’s going to blame it on me because he knows I used to do the same. Tbh I wish she’d just covered it up. She’s always walking around in T-shirts and sits next to him so it’s no surprise he saw it.
Why does he have to act like this? He’s just yelling at her now acting as if she’s done something horrible. Tbh he’s probably the reason she did it since he’s being so hard on her about school work.

Just because you have a history of sh that does not mean that it’s your fault if your sister does it too. If you really are in a position that your dad is liable to blame you, perhaps it is time to move out. Get the best loan you can find. Take care of yourself, please

 

[fusspot]

I’m so tired of never being listened to, particularly by those closest to me and especially by my OH.
I’m 100% aware that I must have a problem in the way I communicate that makes people switch off or disregard what I say, but I’m going through such a tough time at the moment and it’s making me feel so lonely that I don’t seem to be able to connect with anyone. Plus I have to acknowledge that I must be a bit of a bore!
I know that, compared to the problems some have posted on here, and in the grand scheme of things generally, it’s a small thing. But this morning it’s become apparent that my OH just switches off completely when I talk ( too long to explain but it wasn’t a small issue that we were discussing) and I just feel so hurt that I need to rant somewhere!
Sending best wishes to all for a better day ahead x

 

[didn't want to join]

My dad just found out my sister sh and he’s flipping out. He’s acting as if she hurt him and I’m worried he’s going to blame it on me because he knows I used to do the same. Tbh I wish she’d just covered it up. She’s always walking around in T-shirts and sits next to him so it’s no surprise he saw it.
Why does he have to act like this? He’s just yelling at her now acting as if she’s done something horrible. Tbh he’s probably the reason she did it since he’s being so hard on her about school work.

Are you able to talk with your Dad at all? Adult to adult? or is he more stern and wouldn't engage in that type of conversation?

(in case anyone reads my words and thinks I'm cool about an older male speaking to a younger female in any kind of way, understand that many religions, cultures, nationalities, age ranges can mean that some Parents have a whole other way of working and Parenting with their children, they may indeed, not be ok, but it's important to work within those parameters to ensure everyone's safety).

It's clearly distressing for both yourself and your Sister, if SH is happening or has happened. This can be a way of releasing tension, letting go of pain, taking back control we feel is lost. There is no judgement about this, it's something that happens and it shows that support and a change is required in order to allow you both to feel safe and comfortable.

The fact your Sister is being a little more open (sitting next to him, while the markings may be visible) seems as though she wants to let him know, maybe start a conversation and let it all out. She is very young and very probably overwhelmed.

You have also been through this journey at a similar age, so I have no doubt you can understand how she's feeling and in fairness, that may well be opening up old mental wounds for you too.

I talk to a lot of people, so forgive me not recalling straight away, but are you at Uni/College? I'm asking because they often have supportive counsellors and teams available to Students who could assist you with gaining help for you both x

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I'd like a vent please.

I caught up properly with an old friend this week, contact has been occasional over the past 2 years, COVID, we live in different places.

I've been a good friend and go to his appointments with him, am up to date with birthdays, Xmas presents etc. He had been telling me he had my birthday and Xmas presents so I jokingly asked him where they were this week and he said he'd given them away!!!

Isn't this outrageously rude?? I was lost for words and felt quite hurt!

 

[didn't want to join]

I’m so tired of never being listened to, particularly by those closest to me and especially by my OH.
I’m 100% aware that I must have a problem in the way I communicate that makes people switch off or disregard what I say, but I’m going through such a tough time at the moment and it’s making me feel so lonely that I don’t seem to be able to connect with anyone. Plus I have to acknowledge that I must be a bit of a bore!
I know that, compared to the problems some have posted on here, and in the grand scheme of things generally, it’s a small thing. But this morning it’s become apparent that my OH just switches off completely when I talk ( too long to explain but it wasn’t a small issue that we were discussing) and I just feel so hurt that I need to rant somewhere!
Sending best wishes to all for a better day ahead x

What you've posted there, could actually word for word be written by me. I know for a fact (even on Tattle lol) I stick out like a sore thumb and don't fit in

For me, I spent a few years at home with ill health, caring for a dying person and my range of other people became a very small circle. At one point, I found myself sobbing to the Postie simply because they were the only human to ask "how are you today?". It's so easy to become shut down and out of touch of how to converse with others.

I'd tell family the same thing at least 5 times, because it was all I had to offer on the chat front

So for you, it may well be that you are not boring, or can't communicate, it may be that you are stuck in rut and it's left you feeling a little flat (and with Covid - who isn't feeling like that right now?). Although you may feel others have a lot going on, this is a lot for you, so you have every right to speak out about your feelings.

With your OH, there's a few things, I know at the moment, people are working longer hours to catch up on things that have grown over lockdown, so if your OH has a long day, maybe chatting on a phone all day, then they won't really want to chat away, they are just tired. For those occasions, sometimes it's good to just let them go to the loo, chill a bit, then ask them to let you know when they are free for a natter and catch up. Being pounced on as soon as you get in, never sets up a good platform to engage with each other. One of you resents it as you are tired and drained, the other resents it because nobody listens.

If you both have weekends to share, then see if you can organise some couple/family things to do (if you have children, see if you can both have a few date night type things), we can lose some of our ability to chat and have fun, because life is a treadmill and boring (not us) x

 

[fusspot]

What you've posted there, could actually word for word be written by me. I know for a fact (even on Tattle lol) I stick out like a sore thumb and don't fit in

For me, I spent a few years at home with ill health, caring for a dying person and my range of other people became a very small circle. At one point, I found myself sobbing to the Postie simply because they were the only human to ask "how are you today?". It's so easy to become shut down and out of touch of how to converse with others.

I'd tell family the same thing at least 5 times, because it was all I had to offer on the chat front

So for you, it may well be that you are not boring, or can't communicate, it may be that you are stuck in rut and it's left you feeling a little flat (and with Covid - who isn't feeling like that right now?). Although you may feel others have a lot going on, this is a lot for you, so you have every right to speak out about your feelings.

With your OH, there's a few things, I know at the moment, people are working longer hours to catch up on things that have grown over lockdown, so if your OH has a long day, maybe chatting on a phone all day, then they won't really want to chat away, they are just tired. For those occasions, sometimes it's good to just let them go to the loo, chill a bit, then ask them to let you know when they are free for a natter and catch up. Being pounced on as soon as you get in, never sets up a good platform to engage with each other. One of you resents it as you are tired and drained, the other resents it because nobody listens.

If you both have weekends to share, then see if you can organise some couple/family things to do (if you have children, see if you can both have a few date night type things), we can lose some of our ability to chat and have fun, because life is a treadmill and boring (not us) x

Thank you I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to post this.
What you say is very true, and very sensible, and spookily accurate.
I’ll resolve to try hard to park my neediness (my words, not yours ) until a time when OH is more disposed to listen, and if truth be told, our time together for months has been severely restricted by the needs/wants of wider family and other issues that have been going on - including a bereavement that has affected me very deeply.
Thank you for being the voice of reason it’s helped me a lot. I’m going to try and build in a couple of hours once a week where we make the effort to get out of the house and away from distractions to see if things improve.
I do have to broaden my horizons a bit; my world has become very small. This is something I aim to work on when I’m in a better mindset.

 

[didn't want to join]

I'd like a vent please.

I caught up properly with an old friend this week, contact has been occasional over the past 2 years, COVID, we live in different places.

I've been a good friend and go to his appointments with him, am up to date with birthdays, Xmas presents etc. He had been telling me he had my birthday and Xmas presents so I jokingly asked him where they were this week and he said he'd given them away!!!

Isn't this outrageously rude?? I was lost for words and felt quite hurt!

I guess, if he bought things like chocolates or flowers, two years down the line, they aren't going to be doing so well So it was kind of him to donate them for others to enjoy.

I can see why you might feel offended by it, he could have offered a lunch instead? so you could both enjoy that as a celebration.

Is it possible your friend could be struggling financially? He might not of had funds to actually purchase gifts (a lot of folk have limited funds due to Covid, furlough etc.,) I noted your point about appointments (not prying here) if they were medical, he might be on ESA or PIP and they aren't a big budge to allow for extra things (or even a lot of necessities).

It's possible, to spare any blushes, he's brushed that conversation away, by saying he's gifted items away.

Thank you I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to post this.
What you say is very true, and very sensible, and spookily accurate.
I’ll resolve to try hard to park my neediness (my words, not yours ) until a time when OH is more disposed to listen, and if truth be told, our time together for months has been severely restricted by the needs/wants of wider family and other issues that have been going on - including a bereavement that has affected me very deeply.
Thank you for being the voice of reason it’s helped me a lot. I’m going to try and build in a couple of hours once a week where we make the effort to get out of the house and away from distractions to see if things improve.
I do have to broaden my horizons a bit; my world has become very small. This is something I aim to work on when I’m in a better mindset.

You're not needy at all, you are entitled to feel loved, heard, supported and cared for, that you are an important person to your Partner

I used to juggle caring, a couple of kids under 5, a full time company that I owned and the minute 5.30pm came, my then H would come in and I'd want to drop the kids on him to bath, him to magically hear my telepathic beams saying "bring in a takeaway" and listen while I tell you how pants my day has been

Meanwhile, he'd had every Client call him names, be demanding and been left with no lunch break, no lunch as he'd left his money behind as he'd been playing with the kids for 3 mins before he left for work and they'd spirited it out of his pocket so he's arrived home, desperate for the loo, food, calm and quiet.

When you step back, sometimes switch seats with the other person and understand each other (not one over the other, big difference there) then you realise you are both in it together, it's hard and draining. I know folk bandy the old "be kind" thing about, but it's important to be kind to ourselves and understanding of our family x

 

[Blue Rose]

@Sheabutter

Thankfully he didn’t talk to me about it. Me and my other sister managed to avoid seeing him after he went off to talk to our mum about it. I’m not sure if my mum said something to him because he’s acting as if nothing happened last night and hasn’t said anything to me about it. I think I got a head of myself because when he was getting ready cross last night after first noticing he said that’s what I used to do and was really angry but as my mum was out of the room and he wanted her to be involved he dragged my sister upstairs with him, so I avoided being brought into the argument. I was very distressing hearing him scream at her and her crying so badly. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her cry that much, but I think it’s all going to be swept under the carpet now. A similar thing happened when my parents found out about me. We had a few arguments, mainly just me being yelled at, and then it was all forgotten. Although my dad was still very angry with me for months after and wouldn’t let me forget it, but I don’t think he’s going to do that with my sister, maybe he’s realised it just makes things worse.

I actually just got an email about reapplying for student finance and was seriously considering taking out a maintenance loan and moving out. I might wait until things have died down a bit and maybe mention it to my parents. I don’t think I can just arrange everything and move out without telling than as I don’t want to ruin our relationship as it took years for me to get my dad to forgive me. Living at home has meant I’ve barely made any friends and basically live as if I’m still in school so I would love to get out and hopefully that’ll be a good enough reason for them to let me.

@didn't want to join

I probably was a bit harsh about her not covering her arms. She’s always been weird about wearing jumpers (she’ll complain that she’s cold but still just sit there in a T-shirt) so it’s probably just second nature to her to not cover up as much. She definitely didn’t want him to notice though as she desperately tried to hide her arm once he noticed and he even after dragged her upstairs to speak our mum about it he was screaming at her to let him see.

My dad’s Indian and has the mind set that nothing could ever be wrong with our family because we have everything we could need financially and therefore have no reason to feel sad. I do wonder sometimes if he himself has some kind of unresolved issues (like with his own dad) that he’s never dealt with perhaps because of the culture he grew up in of keeping everything hidden and never disrespecting elders. I don’t think I ever could talk to him about it since he gets angry very easily and nothing good would come out of it.

I did try my university’s counselling service but the session was very awkward. It was online so I had to whisper to make sure my parents wouldn’t hear and the counsellor kept just waiting for me to talk even after I’d finished saying what I wanted to. They also never sent me an email to book another appointment so I think I’ll just wait until I’ve got my degree and a job and see if I want to pay to see someone then.

 

[didn't want to join]

@Blue Rose

Many years ago, as a teen, I watched a show by a lady called Ricky Lake (usa) she used a phrase, which I've held very close to my heart now, for over 30 years.

She explained about "break the chain". I grew up in a household where one of my parents had been beaten (not smacked) as a child and therefore when they had me, they continued to parent that way. I didn't ever want to be a parent like that, to have my child ever fear me, so I listened with interest as she explained how we stop learned behaviour, don't tolerate them, don't accept them, we make it our firm belief to "break the chain" of it continuing to other generations or family members.

We cannot be indifferent to how our Parents were raised, what they have been through, but equally, we cannot be held to pay for that either. You and your Sister are in a very uncomfortable, difficult situation, it's not fair on either of you. While you are trying very hard to be a respectful child, your parent isn't being quite so respectful towards you both.

If you feel you cannot address this with him, please seek help via your Student facilities (do you go into the building at all?) If you can't approach the student team in person, then email and explain, it's impossible for you to hold a private conversation where you cannot be overheard, so there is no privacy in which to hold your safe and confidential sessions. They should be able to work out another route of support and help for you and your sibling/siblings. x

 

[ejej123]

Today I’ve put an offer in for a house with my partner(!!!) My parents just do not understand the current state of the market and the level of competition. They don’t seem happy or excited for me which I’m finding really difficult… I’m an adult with a child so I’m frustrated at myself for feeling anxious about their potential disapproval (mainly my mother’s). Why oh why do I constantly feel the need to get their approval?!?

 

[Blue Rose]

@Blue Rose

Many years ago, as a teen, I watched a show by a lady called Ricky Lake (usa) she used a phrase, which I've held very close to my heart now, for over 30 years.

She explained about "break the chain". I grew up in a household where one of my parents had been beaten (not smacked) as a child and therefore when they had me, they continued to parent that way. I didn't ever want to be a parent like that, to have my child ever fear me, so I listened with interest as she explained how we stop learned behaviour, don't tolerate them, don't accept them, we make it our firm belief to "break the chain" of it continuing to other generations or family members.

We cannot be indifferent to how our Parents were raised, what they have been through, but equally, we cannot be held to pay for that either. You and your Sister are in a very uncomfortable, difficult situation, it's not fair on either of you. While you are trying very hard to be a respectful child, your parent isn't being quite so respectful towards you both.

If you feel you cannot address this with him, please seek help via your Student facilities (do you go into the building at all?) If you can't approach the student team in person, then email and explain, it's impossible for you to hold a private conversation where you cannot be overheard, so there is no privacy in which to hold your safe and confidential sessions. They should be able to work out another route of support and help for you and your sibling/siblings. x

I totally agree about the “break the chain” idea, I remember my dad saying it was ok that he hit me since that’s how he was disciplined. If I ever have children I would never behave the way he has and I’m hoping as a teacher I can help children understand they’re worthy no matter what their parents say/do.
I’ve actually just finished the teaching element of my course for this year and will just be on placement now. I think I will email the services and explain I can’t do virtual meetings.
Thank you and @Sheabutter for your kind words and advice. Xx

 

[Sheabutter]

@Sheabutter

Thankfully he didn’t talk to me about it. Me and my other sister managed to avoid seeing him after he went off to talk to our mum about it. I’m not sure if my mum said something to him because he’s acting as if nothing happened last night and hasn’t said anything to me about it. I think I got a head of myself because when he was getting ready cross last night after first noticing he said that’s what I used to do and was really angry but as my mum was out of the room and he wanted her to be involved he dragged my sister upstairs with him, so I avoided being brought into the argument. I was very distressing hearing him scream at her and her crying so badly. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her cry that much, but I think it’s all going to be swept under the carpet now. A similar thing happened when my parents found out about me. We had a few arguments, mainly just me being yelled at, and then it was all forgotten. Although my dad was still very angry with me for months after and wouldn’t let me forget it, but I don’t think he’s going to do that with my sister, maybe he’s realised it just makes things worse.

I actually just got an email about reapplying for student finance and was seriously considering taking out a maintenance loan and moving out. I might wait until things have died down a bit and maybe mention it to my parents. I don’t think I can just arrange everything and move out without telling than as I don’t want to ruin our relationship as it took years for me to get my dad to forgive me. Living at home has meant I’ve barely made any friends and basically live as if I’m still in school so I would love to get out and hopefully that’ll be a good enough reason for them to let me.

Wait, what did you do to him?

When it’s your name on the loan you don’t need their permission to move. If they want to co-sign a loan that gets you a better rate, that’s great.
But by being in charge of your financial situation, you will have control over your living situation and you can get out from under their thumb.