I'm one of the mugs that shelled put for a full analysis.
So it began like this....
"Wow babe you're a gorgeous lady"... now,
duck off with your effusive bollocks, I'm not a babe or gorgeous so dont come at me with the "You-must-start-with-positivity" bullshit mkay? I'm old enough to be your
bleeping mum.
soooooo....
My colouring analysis. It was totally way off. Bad times. The clothes, having stated the parts I wished to hide, were what my stylist decided to show off... thanks hun, glad you read my profile I'd written... took me 2 seconds to write down the 4 areas I didnt want highlighting... roughly 2 seconds longer than you gave a
tit to read it...
Then she gave me a long list of pictures stating what the item was "coat" "high waisted jeans" "dress"... as if she'd taken them from a child's "my first English book" ... Great, where they from? ... Who
bleeping knows...that was obv too much effort... not even in my "colours"... still, I have 2 sheets that my grandkids can use to learn to read... "Point to the chunky heel" "find the white trainers" "find the leopard print"... bet there's a few of us that could do that by the sounds of it?
So I had to follow the fb group to find out what I could wear... so far I was 70 nicker down and none the
bleeping wiser.... so Facebook, can't ask for advice based on my season and shape cos "secret, hun" so I'm sat watching middle aged woman after middle aged woman whack on a kimono or a band tshirt and some clumpy white trainers or proper 80s vegan style sandals in the hope of not looking middle aged, whilst standing in front of an IKEA mirror surrounded by next tags and return labels and ask "does this suit me" (because they have no
bleeping clue either, because they got the same bullshit pamphlets..).. oh and on a night out, why not try out a long dress with clumpy trainers and a leather or denim jacket... like the 3000 other women wandering around the highest street on a night out too, the
bleeping tea-dress army was in force last time I ventured out to the local... fucks sake, was not feeling too spesh ...
I decided enough was enough, I wanted to see what our Suze was all about, so I dusted off the Gram, Oh,
duck me, turns put she dresses like early 80s Jimmy Somerville/ Roland Rat or an extra from "Aint half hot Mum"... and I paid this woman to advise me on what to wear, when she looks like she's dressed in physical-sarcasm... and the
bleeping Kaz bands???Im guessing hide her ears from the annoyed mutterings of pissed off women like me who paid a
tit ton to get a pinterest pamphlet and royally mugged off.. Kaz band should be renamed the "la la la I can't
bleeping hear you band".. and now she wants to charge the same price again, yearly, for this advice... nah mate.
Here's my advice...
Wear what makes you
bleeping happy...