Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[DameCarlotta]

Coming here from the main thread!
Just coming here to say … not sure what possessed me to do it but I decided to make jacks fiery upside down pineapple chicken.

I am indeed one of those heathens that’s likes fruit in my dinner but let me assure you that she has the most awful palette and that recipe was definitely not tested…

I shall begin, firstly I didn’t realise slop along was a thing, if I’d have known I’d have taken pictures!

i read the ingredients and immediatly thought there wasn’t enough spice, so I did adjust them, basically added much more than jack, i also used fresh lime as I had one hanging around. I also note jack mentions she purposefully left out salt as the 1 tbsp of soy would provide ‘all the salty lip smack it needs’
IT DOES NOT.
so I whacked in plenty more soy sauce.
I added all the ingredients to my food processor (bought in the mid 90s, still going strong) as I’m can’t afford a decent bullet blender as jack suggests.
it’s impossible to make the smooth paste she describes with a food processor, the marinade resembled 6week old dish water but hey, who am I to judge!
I poured onto my chicken in a bowl (not a plastic bag as I hate plastic waste)
stired it all with a spoon and covered and shoved in the fridge over night.
upon removing the bowl the next day, well … it simply looked like I’d fridged a bowl of vomit
never the less, I plucked my chicken from said bowl and put into a dish, poured on the remaining mix, topped with the pineapple slices and put in the oven.
I would personally never cook chicken thighs for an hour on gas mark 5 with this type of marinade but I thought I’d try, NOPE!

alllllllll the liquid from the blended onion combined with the pineapple juice so that my chicken was now swimming in a sea of vomit looking grimness.
so after 45mins of cooking, I took the chicken from the dish and transferred to a baking pan, whacked the heat to gas mark 7/8 and had to cook for another 20+ mins to they and ‘dry off’ some of this mess.
couldn’t bare to waste the pint + or so of left liquid so put in a sauce pan, thickened it to make a ‘sauce’ which I still had to add salt to, even though I’d already added so much extra soy.

eventually after using a million kwhs of gas the chicken looked semi reasonable.

I served with rice and broccoli (which I over cooked as I had a nightmare placing an online order )

the flavour was ok (with the adjusted spices) it’s the ‘method‘ that ruined this for me
it was edible but I won’t make it again

 

[IcanSpellBéchamel]

So if you had made this recipe according to the instructions, tender heart, would you award it

0 - Dog tit
1 - Dire
Or
2 - Terrible?

I am assuming from your gentle, painstaking description that it isn’t going to rise above 2 on the best day.

 

[DameCarlotta]

If I had not had adjusted,

Drum roll please … 0

 

[MancBee]

I was going to write up my notes about the peach drizzle cake recipe that I made for the thread, but time is just not my friend at the moment. My OH (still here etc etc) said why don't I just post the pictures, they tell the whole story. So a brief overview followed by pictures it is.

I stuck to the recipe to the letter, no variation whatsoever. The cake mixture looked OK until I added the peaches. The peach to cake ratio was way out.

It started to bake OK, but then it sort of erupted and jelly like mixture bubbled out.

The cake fell to bits, tasted absolutely disgusting, a sort of slimy over sweet strange taste, with a horrible aftertaste. Why does all her food have a nasty aftertaste? It ended in the bin.

Anyways here are the pictures, behind a spoiler as there's lots. For some reason I can't put them behind a spoiler...so enjoy.

ETA Can a mod spoiler the pics please?

 

[BlairWaldorf86]

Well done @MancBee, glad to see the famous horse spunk being put to good use

 

[MancBee]

Well done @MancBee, glad to see the famous horse spunk being put to good use

I couldn't get a horse so had to improvise,

 

[FlirtyThirty]

I was going to write up my notes about the peach drizzle cake recipe that I made for the thread, but time is just not my friend at the moment. My OH (still here etc etc) said why don't I just post the pictures, they tell the whole story. So a brief overview followed by pictures it is.

I stuck to the recipe to the letter, no variation whatsoever. The cake mixture looked OK until I added the peaches. The peach to cake ratio was way out.

It started to bake OK, but then it sort of erupted and jelly like mixture bubbled out.

The cake fell to bits, tasted absolutely disgusting, a sort of slimy over sweet strange taste, with a horrible aftertaste. Why does all her food have a nasty aftertaste? It ended in the bin.

Anyways here are the pictures, behind a spoiler as there's lots. For some reason I can't put them behind a spoiler...so enjoy.

ETA Can a mod spoiler the pics please?


View attachment 1954814View attachment 1954815View attachment 1954816View attachment 1954820View attachment 1954822View attachment 1954823View attachment 1954824View attachment 1954825View attachment 1954827View attachment 1954828View attachment 1954829View attachment 1954830View attachment 1954831View attachment 1954832View attachment 1954833View attachment 1954834View attachment 1954835View attachment 1954836View attachment 1954837View attachment 1954838

Urgh!

 

[Nurseali]

It actually looked okay till about the fifth from last picture.
Was like watching the grand national with your horse out front and at the last moment it just all turns to tit
Well done anyway

 

[Emmapism]

What's your ranking Manc? I can't recall what was what but out of 5?

Was it a 0? Dogshit?

 

[Eurgh]

First the stuffing now this. @MancBee we salute you. What a trouper.

 

[MancBee]

What's your ranking Manc? I can't recall what was what but out of 5?

Was it a 0? Dogshit?

Yes, absolutely.

I wouldn't give it to a dog. The slimy peaches and weird textured sponge just didn't go together.

 

[blurstoftimes]

@MancBee i know what has gone wrong, your oven is far too spotless for a jack monroe recipe

 

[MancBee]

@MancBee i know what has gone wrong, your oven is far too spotless for a jack monroe recipe

Funny story, the oven kept tripping the fuses as there was a fault. The repair man came and said "have you ever used this oven?"

I use the oven most days and it is over 10 years old! I do tend to clean it once a week as I hate doing it when it gets dirty.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

I was going to write up my notes about the peach drizzle cake recipe that I made for the thread, but time is just not my friend at the moment. My OH (still here etc etc) said why don't I just post the pictures, they tell the whole story. So a brief overview followed by pictures it is.

I stuck to the recipe to the letter, no variation whatsoever. The cake mixture looked OK until I added the peaches. The peach to cake ratio was way out.

It started to bake OK, but then it sort of erupted and jelly like mixture bubbled out.

The cake fell to bits, tasted absolutely disgusting, a sort of slimy over sweet strange taste, with a horrible aftertaste. Why does all her food have a nasty aftertaste? It ended in the bin.

Anyways here are the pictures, behind a spoiler as there's lots. For some reason I can't put them behind a spoiler...so enjoy.

ETA Can a mod spoiler the pics please?


View attachment 1954814View attachment 1954815View attachment 1954816View attachment 1954820View attachment 1954822View attachment 1954823View attachment 1954824View attachment 1954825View attachment 1954827View attachment 1954828View attachment 1954829View attachment 1954830View attachment 1954831View attachment 1954832View attachment 1954833View attachment 1954834View attachment 1954835View attachment 1954836View attachment 1954837View attachment 1954838

OK but this still looks better than any of the housebrick versions of this cake that home economists have rustled up for the various publications it’s appeared in. Chapeau for your (slightly too) tender crumb, dearheart! Drop your PayPal for cashos, thanks for all you do.

 

[Lazarus]

@MancBee cake looks dire, but may I echo the sentiments from others and commend you on a beautifully clean oven?
Mine sadly does not look like that as it’s been about 3/4 weeks since it was properly cleaned but I’ll do it this week. What do you use? Mr Muscle spray?

 

[MancBee]

@MancBee cake looks dire, but may I echo the sentiments from others and commend you on a beautifully clean oven?
Mine sadly does not look like that as it’s been about 3/4 weeks since it was properly cleaned but I’ll do it this week. What do you use? Mr Muscle spray?

Yes I do use Mr Muscle. The fumes can be a bit overwhelming though.

The wire racks and bars I soak in a strong solution of biological washing liquid (clothes washing stuff) for an hour or so. They come up spotless.

 

[Lazarus]

Yes I do use Mr Muscle. The fumes can be a bit overwhelming though.

The wire racks and bars I soak in a strong solution of biological washing liquid (clothes washing stuff) for an hour or so. They come up spotless.

That’s what I use too. In the quarter of an hour since I last posted; I’ve taken the racks out, casually wiped down the inside of the oven which seems fine and I’m soaking some of the racks in the foamy Mr Muscle stuff. The glass is clean too. Just washed it with a scouring pad and then buffed it up with glass cleaner, but will give the inside of the oven a proper going over at the weekend. It’s the little brown splash marks on the sides and at the back I struggle with (and the racks).
Mr Laz and I are both vegetarian so there’s no meat in my oven, ever, but these wee marks are stubborn.
Will put some of the racks and the tray in a hot dishwasher cycle later and have plonked some in the sink with a bit of Daz to see what comes up best!
As you can see, bottom of the oven is fine; it’s the brown spots on the back I can’t get rid of. Will get stuck in at the weekend. Maybe I’m not putting enough elbow grease into it!

 

[Emmapism]

Now want to clean my oven and I hate cleaning my oven #influenced

 

[MancBee]

That’s what I use too. In the quarter of an hour since I last posted; I’ve taken the racks out, casually wiped down the inside of the oven which seems fine and I’m soaking some of the racks in the foamy Mr Muscle stuff. The glass is clean too. Just washed it with a scouring pad and then buffed it up with glass cleaner, but will give the inside of the oven a proper going over at the weekend. It’s the little brown splash marks on the sides and at the back I struggle with (and the racks).
Mr Laz and I are both vegetarian so there’s no meat in my oven, ever, but these wee marks are stubborn.
Will put some of the racks and the tray in a hot dishwasher cycle later and have plonked some in the sink with a bit of Daz to see what comes up best!
As you can see, bottom of the oven is fine; it’s the brown spots on the back I can’t get rid of. Will get stuck in at the weekend. Maybe I’m not putting enough elbow grease into it!

Maybe try some barkeepers friend (make sure you rinse it off well) or some Cif cream. Though that oven is cleaner than most peoples I would bet.

 

[Captainmouse]

Funny story, the oven kept tripping the fuses as there was a fault. The repair man came and said "have you ever used this oven?"

I use the oven most days and it is over 10 years old! I do tend to clean it once a week as I hate doing it when it gets dirty.

Recipes so bad even the oven does a runner