Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[heastlanda]

Oh lordy are you all in for a treat. I didn't make this for my lunch as I thought I would be kind and involve my 13 year old, Miss Heastlanda (MH). All photography by her.

1. The ingredients.

I had everything in stock except for the chocolate. Switched the malt vinegar for red wine vinegar and used a chicken stock cube because that's all I had. Ingredients are interchangeable, right? Rice not in this photo as I buy it in 20kg sacks and I'm not hoiking one of those on my worktop.

2. Garlic and onions.
The recipe instructed us to 'saute' the garlic and onions in a tablespoon of water in the microwave. So we did. FYI Jack, nuking things in water in the microwave is not sautéing them. The only thing that will happen is you will stink out your kitchen. MH asked me 'why does it smell so weird?'

3. Everything else.

MH is now whining because she thinks it's a waste of good chocolate. I give her the rest of the bar to shut her up even though I had planned to eat it myself. Instructed to mix everything in the jug so I did. Maybe this might just work......

4. I was wrong. Very, very wrong

This took 7 minutes to cook in my microwave. While it's cooking my kitchen now smells strongly of burning rubber. Take it out and the first thing MH says is that it looks like diarrhoea. Yummy.

5. The proof is in the tasting

Continuing with the festive theme we've gone for a Grinch bag for life this time. All arrangement is courtesy of MH, including the spoon stood up in the middle. Vinegar and salt delicately sprinkled over the top. MH and I both take a generous spoonful. It's absolutely bleeping disgusting. . MH makes the point that it's not chilli without any actual chilli in it and why does it taste so disgusting if we used good ingredients. If you want to know what chocolate and tomato flavoured risotto with undertones of burnt rubber tastes like, then this is the dish for you.

Scoring to follow.

 

[Lostcat]

I would be interested in a good chicken liver bolognese but I know that Jack's will be terrible!

Felicity Cloake has a good solid recipe here:

How to make perfect bolognese

It’s a dish surrounded by heartfelt and conflicting advice – most recently from Mary Berry, who uses white wine and cream – but with no definitive recipe. How do you make bolognese sauce, and what do you serve it with?

www.theguardian.com

It's a combination of minced beef, bacon and chicken livers, so the liver taste is less...pronounced, but it is a very hearty and savoury dish, and she details all the different chefs she consulted and iterations she made and tested before deciding on this recipe.

I do like Felicitys' recipes -she always tells you the "whys" and "hows" of the reason a recipe works, and gives suggestions on things to change in it if you feel so inclined.

 

[That Forensic Man]

These battered sardines and battered anchovies have intrigued me, does anyone have a recipe please? Considering it.

Battered anchovies, this was also in A Girl Called Jack

Private Site

Battered sardines is in Tin Can Cook @Notmycat

 

[Foxvint]

I want slut spaghetti to go with my slapper semolina now. Also who the duck is leaving Nigella for that braying horse Trinny

 

[heastlanda]

Scoring.
Ingredients. 4/5
As my 13 year old put it, they are all good ingredients

Recipe. 3/5
Fairly easy to follow recipe and timings pretty much spot on. 1 point knocked off for no chilli and 1 point knocked off for the chocolate. 2 squares is just too much

Visual appeal. 1/5
'It looks like diarrhoea, Mum'

Texture. 1/5
What texture?

Taste. 1/5
Like chocolate and tomato flavoured risotto. Might be appealing to some but definitely not to me.

Portion size. 1/5
This actually makes a huge cereal bowl full. Shame it's so downright bleeping gopping no fucker in their right mind is actually going to want to eat it. If this was in any way edible (which it isn't) half of this would still be a sufficient portion.

Final scores:
Miss Heastlanda: 1 out of 5
Me: 1 out of 5. Its so dire its inedible.

 

[Captainmouse]

I love chicken livers and buy them in a small frozen tub from Asda for about 70p (used to be 50p but the VBI will tell me the % change). I know loads of people don't like them, they are a strong tasting food but a lot nicer than lamb/ cow liver with a much better flavour. More supermarkets will get them in stock over the next few weeks as a lot of people use them for Christmas recipes.

My fave chicken liver recipe is based on Nandos Portuguese chicken livers, I just marinade them in peri peri sauce and fry.

I would be interested in a good chicken liver bolognese but I know that Jack's will be terrible!

Delia uses them in her ragu.
well the book does but bizarrely the website is different send explainos

 

[Notmycat]

Battered sardines and anchovies recipes

 

[hoopdedoo]

"Tarty sauce"? Is this Jack copying Mama Nigella with a recipe title dig at an ex?

@Foxvint I may have the chronology wrong, but I think it was Nigella who left Charles Saatchi, not the other way around, after he tried to strangle her in public. And he took up with Trinny after that.

 

[Captainmouse]

I think the sloppies should have an award for hardest working emoji
poor guy

 

[DaisyJay]

Sardinesca! Bit later than intended - sorry!

The mashed sardines looked very similar to the gunk that's recently been dropped on I'm A Celeb's Matt Hancock. The smell . A before and after picture of the sauce - it was still watery after 30 mins. And salty. I continued cooking for a further 15mins which helped, a little.

Jack didn't say whether to drain the sardines, but looking at the gloop in the tin, I did. She also didn't indicate whether a lid should be used during the simmering stage. I used a splatter guard. I didn't relish the thought of eau de sardine permeating the grouting.

It tasted vile. The sardines where overwhelming. It was so slimey in the mouth. The finished product is one serving.

Mr Knit asked me to rinse the pasta.

I had all of the ingredients bar the sardines which cost 43p each - @That Forensic Man, if you'd like full costings, let me know.

It's another 1 from me.

I've donated £50 of products to The Hygiene Bank.

Nutritional values per serving:

Spoiler: Nutritional Values

View attachment 1733890

oh tender one, that looks like the beginning of a spiffing trifle recipe to me -bung on some custard and lots of sprinkles and you can host a street party with that

 

[That Forensic Man]

Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go

Peanut butter hot chocolate

Private Site

I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.

The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.

It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least 50-75% 344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!

I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)

Microwave mini egg hot chocolate

Private Site

This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).

 

[Notmycat]

Peanut butter hot chocolate

 

[Lostcat]

Microwave mini egg hot chocolate
This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).

Cadburys Snowballs are are very similar to the Mini Eggs - chocolate balls covered in a thin hard candy layer, you should be able to get them no problem at Christmas.

https://www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/all-christmas/cadbury-chocolate-mini-snowballs-bag-80g

 

[That Forensic Man]

Peanut butter hot chocolate

Still only 200ml, I am surprised.

Cadburys Snowballs are are very similar to the Mini Eggs - chocolate balls covered in a thin hard candy layer, you should be able to get them no problem at Christmas.
View attachment 1736544

https://www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/all-christmas/cadbury-chocolate-mini-snowballs-bag-80g

Oh go on then, twist my arm!

 

[Dogrose]

Oh lordy are you all in for a treat. I didn't make this for my lunch as I thought I would be kind and involve my 13 year old, Miss Heastlanda (MH). All photography by her.

View attachment 1736082

1. The ingredients.
View attachment 1736070
I had everything in stock except for the chocolate. Switched the malt vinegar for red wine vinegar and used a chicken stock cube because that's all I had. Ingredients are interchangeable, right? Rice not in this photo as I buy it in 20kg sacks and I'm not hoiking one of those on my worktop.

2. Garlic and onions.
The recipe instructed us to 'saute' the garlic and onions in a tablespoon of water in the microwave. So we did. FYI Jack, nuking things in water in the microwave is not sautéing them. The only thing that will happen is you will stink out your kitchen. MH asked me 'why does it smell so weird?'

3. Everything else.
View attachment 1736096
MH is now whining because she thinks it's a waste of good chocolate. I give her the rest of the bar to shut her up even though I had planned to eat it myself. Instructed to mix everything in the jug so I did. Maybe this might just work......

4. I was wrong. Very, very wrong
View attachment 1736107
This took 7 minutes to cook in my microwave. While it's cooking my kitchen now smells strongly of burning rubber. Take it out and the first thing MH says is that it looks like diarrhoea. Yummy.

5. The proof is in the tasting
View attachment 1736112
Continuing with the festive theme we've gone for a Grinch bag for life this time. All arrangement is courtesy of MH, including the spoon stood up in the middle. Vinegar and salt delicately sprinkled over the top. MH and I both take a generous spoonful. It's absolutely bleeping disgusting. . MH makes the point that it's not chilli without any actual chilli in it and why does it taste so disgusting if we used good ingredients. If you want to know what chocolate and tomato flavoured risotto with undertones of burnt rubber tastes like, then this is the dish for you.

Scoring to follow.

Chapeau! Though I’m a bit sad you didn’t let MH hoik herself up onto the work surface to generate a bit of heart warming ‘why not expose your child to social media’ content.

 

[Lazarus]

Oh lordy are you all in for a treat. I didn't make this for my lunch as I thought I would be kind and involve my 13 year old, Miss Heastlanda (MH). All photography by her.

View attachment 1736082

1. The ingredients.
View attachment 1736070
I had everything in stock except for the chocolate. Switched the malt vinegar for red wine vinegar and used a chicken stock cube because that's all I had. Ingredients are interchangeable, right? Rice not in this photo as I buy it in 20kg sacks and I'm not hoiking one of those on my worktop.

2. Garlic and onions.
The recipe instructed us to 'saute' the garlic and onions in a tablespoon of water in the microwave. So we did. FYI Jack, nuking things in water in the microwave is not sautéing them. The only thing that will happen is you will stink out your kitchen. MH asked me 'why does it smell so weird?'

3. Everything else.
View attachment 1736096
MH is now whining because she thinks it's a waste of good chocolate. I give her the rest of the bar to shut her up even though I had planned to eat it myself. Instructed to mix everything in the jug so I did. Maybe this might just work......

4. I was wrong. Very, very wrong
View attachment 1736107
This took 7 minutes to cook in my microwave. While it's cooking my kitchen now smells strongly of burning rubber. Take it out and the first thing MH says is that it looks like diarrhoea. Yummy.

5. The proof is in the tasting
View attachment 1736112
Continuing with the festive theme we've gone for a Grinch bag for life this time. All arrangement is courtesy of MH, including the spoon stood up in the middle. Vinegar and salt delicately sprinkled over the top. MH and I both take a generous spoonful. It's absolutely bleeping disgusting. . MH makes the point that it's not chilli without any actual chilli in it and why does it taste so disgusting if we used good ingredients. If you want to know what chocolate and tomato flavoured risotto with undertones of burnt rubber tastes like, then this is the dish for you.

Scoring to follow.

This is marvellous, dear heart.
Did you make a conscious choice not to use a chipped bowl like Jack’s?

 

[MistyWindows]

Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go

Peanut butter hot chocolate

Private Site

I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.

The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.

It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least 50-75% 344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!

I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)

View attachment 1736428
View attachment 1736429
View attachment 1736431
View attachment 1736432

Microwave mini egg hot chocolate

Private Site

This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).

Ritter sport is the best chocolate

The mini egg one has always been baffling to me, does she think the shell will dissolve? Surely you’ll just end up with sharp red hot shards at the bottom? Just what you want from a hc, the sensation of trying to drink broken glass.

 

[AyiaKnacker]

Why you cry?
Jacksiop try.
Why you wail?
Jacslop fail.
Why you grin?
Jackslop in bin.
Why you shout.
Jackslop come out.
Why you glum?
It hurt my bum.

Spoiler

I’m still working a 100 hour week reading Slopalong no. 1, so if another ninny has already penned a similar rhyme, i apologise and will pay penance by making a slop.

 

[BubbleDuck]

I am a big fan of mini egg hot chocolate, but ever single recipe I’ve even seen has you chop the mini eggs first so that the chocolate melts and the coating dissolves without burning

This is the recipe I use which amount wise is similar to Jack but has the addiction of drinking chocolate

Recipe - Cadbury Seasonal Hot Chocolate with Mini Eggs

Mondelez Food Service - Recipe

www.mondelez-foodservice.co.uk

Edited to add I don’t steam the milk, I microwave it in bursts . It’s nicer steamed though , it’s more velvety

 

[Blurp]

My mum taught me how to make cakes as a kid. Using granulated sugar instead of caster, and some sort of margarine instead of butter are good economies, otherwise follow the recipe. She made them by hand (no mixer) and the secret is to beat plenty of air in during the butter, sugar and egg stages, then add the sifted flour gently. Making cakes is easy once you know how.

Yup, same here. I still have the Imperial measurements for Victoria Sponge firmly in my head though I cook and otherwise bake in metric. I use the stand mixer (I my Chef with a passion though other kitchen machines are available) with different tools for beating and folding now while beating the eggs by hand first in a separate bowl or cup.