Oh lordy are you all in for a treat. I didn't make this for my lunch as I thought I would be kind and involve my 13 year old, Miss Heastlanda (MH). All photography by her.
1. The ingredients.
I had everything in stock except for the chocolate. Switched the malt vinegar for red wine vinegar and used a chicken stock cube because that's all I had. Ingredients are interchangeable, right? Rice not in this photo as I buy it in 20kg sacks and I'm not hoiking one of those on my worktop.
2. Garlic and onions.
The recipe instructed us to 'saute' the garlic and onions in a tablespoon of water in the microwave. So we did. FYI Jack, nuking things in water in the microwave is not sautéing them. The only thing that will happen is you will stink out your kitchen. MH asked me 'why does it smell so weird?'
3. Everything else.
MH is now whining because she thinks it's a waste of good chocolate. I give her the rest of the bar to shut her up even though I had planned to eat it myself. Instructed to mix everything in the jug so I did. Maybe this might just work......
4. I was wrong. Very, very wrong
This took 7 minutes to cook in my microwave. While it's cooking my kitchen now smells strongly of burning rubber. Take it out and the first thing MH says is that it looks like diarrhoea. Yummy.
5. The proof is in the tasting
Continuing with the festive theme we've gone for a Grinch bag for life this time. All arrangement is courtesy of MH, including the spoon stood up in the middle. Vinegar and salt delicately sprinkled over the top. MH and I both take a generous spoonful. It's absolutely bleeping disgusting. . MH makes the point that it's not chilli without any actual chilli in it and why does it taste so disgusting if we used good ingredients. If you want to know what chocolate and tomato flavoured risotto with undertones of burnt rubber tastes like, then this is the dish for you.
Scoring to follow.
1. The ingredients.
I had everything in stock except for the chocolate. Switched the malt vinegar for red wine vinegar and used a chicken stock cube because that's all I had. Ingredients are interchangeable, right? Rice not in this photo as I buy it in 20kg sacks and I'm not hoiking one of those on my worktop.
2. Garlic and onions.
The recipe instructed us to 'saute' the garlic and onions in a tablespoon of water in the microwave. So we did. FYI Jack, nuking things in water in the microwave is not sautéing them. The only thing that will happen is you will stink out your kitchen. MH asked me 'why does it smell so weird?'
3. Everything else.
MH is now whining because she thinks it's a waste of good chocolate. I give her the rest of the bar to shut her up even though I had planned to eat it myself. Instructed to mix everything in the jug so I did. Maybe this might just work......
4. I was wrong. Very, very wrong
This took 7 minutes to cook in my microwave. While it's cooking my kitchen now smells strongly of burning rubber. Take it out and the first thing MH says is that it looks like diarrhoea. Yummy.
5. The proof is in the tasting
Continuing with the festive theme we've gone for a Grinch bag for life this time. All arrangement is courtesy of MH, including the spoon stood up in the middle. Vinegar and salt delicately sprinkled over the top. MH and I both take a generous spoonful. It's absolutely bleeping disgusting. . MH makes the point that it's not chilli without any actual chilli in it and why does it taste so disgusting if we used good ingredients. If you want to know what chocolate and tomato flavoured risotto with undertones of burnt rubber tastes like, then this is the dish for you.
Scoring to follow.