Charles Saatchi the abusive domestic abuser
They usually come out the day after Xmas. I once saw them on Xmas eve, which made an excellent talking/tutting point for my Nan.
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Charles Saatchi the abusive domestic abuserI want slut spaghetti to go with my slapper semolina now. Also who the fuck is leaving Nigella for that braying horse Trinny
They usually come out the day after Xmas. I once saw them on Xmas eve, which made an excellent talking/tutting point for my Nan.Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go
Peanut butter hot chocolate
I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.
The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.
It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least50-75%344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!
I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)
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Microwave mini egg hot chocolate
This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).
I cant believe she wrote that. Absolutely do not lift a pan of hot oil off the oven if it is on fire.I have not been in the fire service for many years, but is carrying a hot pan of hot oil advisable? I was taught to move it off the heat and put the lid on it.
The bit about not pouring cold water on it is sound, I'll give her that.
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but dear heart i need to know - what actually happens when you fry bacon in lemon juice?!!Oh my God Dinner
Oh My God Dinner, 28p
Oh My God Dinner (or, ‘I Was Going To Make Pasta Alla Genovese And Then I Remembered That Sodding Courgette Rolling Around In My Fridge…’) 55p for 2 portions, or just under 28p ea…cookingonabootstrap.com
Jack's ingredients 10 years ago (my herbs slightly different as I shopped from a different version but interchangeable don't you know.
70g bacon, 11p (£1.09/670g)
1 chilli (free, grows on my window ledge)
80g spaghetti, 6p (39p/500g)
Fistful each parsley, mint, basil (free, grows on my window ledge)
10ml lemon juice, 2p (60p/250ml)
50g green beans, 7p (£1.40/kg, frozen)
20g Brie, 11p (£1.09/200g)
1 garlic clove, 3p (46p for 2 bulbs with average 8 cloves each)
1/2 courgette, 15p (£1.80/kg, 6 in my bag)
The title suggests food you've got knocking around.
I just had:
garlic
spaghetti
Bottled lemon juice.
So from Sainsbury’s , and calculating the cost basted on whether or not I will use the leftovers.
Ok apart from saying frying pan then sauté pan. I don't even know what that is.
And chopping herbs in a cup with scissors. I didn't do that. Used knife and board.And not saying if spaghetti water should be salted.
Verdict
In Friends Joey thinks he is talking on the phone to Estelle when she is dead. (in fact it's Phoebe) Joey says "What's it like there?" Phoebe looks round the phone booth and says "It's all right"
Well this was all right.
Well that's my verdict. Nothing special. Left over veg and growing herbs with spaghetti a good idea, and sauce from brie is quite nice. She could have said what veg you could use with this and if cheap cheese would work.
And it was a modest (in size not price) meal for one.
Oh my god it's dinner suggested to me when you've been busy and not prepared and prep something easy from what you got.
That's fair enough, and spaghetti and veg with a sauce made on brie is fair enough, fits the bill.
IF YOU HAVE GOT THOSE INGREDIENTS IN.
Which I hadn't. So it was neither quick nor cheap.
Incidentally in the comments she was pulled up for only 40 gms per portion. She replied saying she wrote this when things were tough and in future she'd recommend 70 gm
I once ate a battered whitebait thinking it was something else. Worst thing that’s ever happened to my mouth and I include the bindaloo in that. Can’t understand why people like the taste of any fish.FIRST OF ALL there's no way Jack made these
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This is what battered anchovies are meant to look like - more like whitebait than whatever the hell the above is.
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SECOND OF ALL you can't batter tinned anchovies. Dickhead.
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I, OTOH, was absolutely ENTHRALLED when one of my mum's friends made the for me for the first time ever, I must have been about 10 but the memory is burned in my brain. Absolutely love the salty little buggers.I once ate a battered whitebait thinking it was something else. Worst thing that’s ever happened to my mouth and I include the bindaloo in that. Can’t understand why people like the taste of any fish.
I just been back to double check - I fried a bit of bacon with lemon juice and diced courgette. The lemon evaporated. Without the chilli of the recipe the courgette tasted acidy not lemony. So pointless.but dear heart i need to know - what actually happens when you fry bacon in lemon juice?!!
It’s terrifying! Why would you suggest anyone walk anywhere with a pan of oil that’s about to go on fire?! It’s a scenario from the first ten minutes of an episode of Casualty!Omg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?
Slightly outing but Miss Heastlanda is taller than me (she's 5 foot 9). The only way she is getting up on the worktops is if she folds herself in half first to squish under the cupboards cos she ain't fitting any other way.Chapeau! Though I’m a bit sad you didn’t let MH hoik herself up onto the work surface to generate a bit of heart warming ‘why not expose your child to social media’ content.
yes but what you fail to understand dearheart, is that poor people can’t afford graters and some people can’t use graters due to illnesses or injuries. (These people can’t be vegan as they need to wear leather hats to help with the issue). So as you’ve just proved, Jamie’s recipes only serve to show off his enormous level of privilege.I just made That Man's sweet potato, spinach & chick pea meecrowaaahveeee curry from his £1 meals selection. It is beautiful.
He's so clever because he grates the base ingredients which has the effect of allowing it to cook fast but with intense flavour. All timings and processes worked to the letter for me and my equipment. Just realised it is vegan too if you don't add the optional yoghurt (which I haven't bothered with) and it is a substantial meal for two; more for less-greedy people. Obviously it's been thoroughly researched and tested - lovely, I recommend.
ps @That Forensic Man , I donated 3 advent calendars from my kids to the local foodbank following their specific appeal plus ketchup and sugar - £4.50 cash value (I already had sugar and ketchup at home to donate so haven't included that value). Also just a minor FORENSIC detail I know you'll want corrected, my rillettes was from the Asda version of Tin Can Cook, thank you my dear x
eta: vegan clarification
This is such dangerously bad advice, if any water or the wet towel touches the oil it's gonna flash meaning you'd drop the pan and it's gonna explode everywhere including all over youI have not been in the fire service for many years, but is carrying a hot pan of hot oil advisable? I was taught to move it off the heat and put the lid on it.
The bit about not pouring cold water on it is sound, I'll give her that.
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Yes, absolutely xOmg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?
Thankyou tender one!I just made That Man's sweet potato, spinach & chick pea meecrowaaahveeee curry from his £1 meals selection. It is beautiful.
He's so clever because he grates the base ingredients which has the effect of allowing it to cook fast but with intense flavour. All timings and processes worked to the letter for me and my equipment. Just realised it is vegan too if you don't add the optional yoghurt (which I haven't bothered with) and it is a substantial meal for two; more for less-greedy people. Obviously it's been thoroughly researched and tested - lovely, I recommend.
ps @That Forensic Man , I donated 3 advent calendars from my kids to the local foodbank following their specific appeal plus ketchup and sugar - £4.50 cash value (I already had sugar and ketchup at home to donate so haven't included that value). Also just a minor FORENSIC detail I know you'll want corrected, my rillettes was from the Asda version of Tin Can Cook, thank you my dear x
eta: vegan clarification
I've been thinking about this and the advice is somehow more dangerous because she mentions being in the fire service, so she gives her stupidly dangerous advice a veneer of being good advice.This is such dangerously bad advice, if any water or the wet towel touches the oil it's gonna flash meaning you'd drop the pan and it's gonna explode everywhere including all over you
Using a wet tea towel on the handle means all the heat will be transferred to your hand, compared to a dry towel or nothing, so you're more likely to pick it up and then realise it's too hot to hold (because of the wet towel) and then drop it.
And she's so extraordinarily fire conscious as to routinely leave flammable objects on the gas hob and put stupid little cabinet locks on doors, what an absolute twat.
Feel free tender one, I was thinking it's not necessarily related to the slopalong itself so probably wants to go in page 2 after "fake recipes" as dangerous advice or something.updated jack's hazard slops list:
Letting rice sit on the side for ages instead of cooling quickly - allows lots of Bacillus cereus bacteria to grow and give you the shits/food poisoning peanut milk rice pudding
frying tinned potatoes - they can explode due to the water content hot nicoise
storing/infusing herbs in oil - risk of botulism Whoa F*ck Dressing
Microwaving stone fruits to ripen - explodey, doesn't work, could fuck up your microwave microwave ripening fruits
sprout scones because cooked (painstakingly) by the instructions they are fucking raw
Beer battered sardines: advocates that in case of carrying a flaming pan of hot oil outside while holding it with a wet dishcloth is a good/fire service approved idea ...NEVER do this, place a damp NOT sopping wet teatowel over the top to smother the flames or use a fire extinguisher if you're fancy. Risk of SEVERE burns and immolating your shitty bungalow using her method
Not sure if the wiki has been updated with these, i can do it if noone minds me tinkering
Exactly and actual professionals know it's always best to signpost to the proper advice that has been checked and verified etc. versus trying to explain it all over again, telling people outdated stuff etc. but Jack never signposts anything or misses an opportunity to brag.I've been thinking about this and the advice is somehow more dangerous because she mentions being in the fire service, so she gives her stupidly dangerous advice a veneer of being good advice.
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