Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

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That Forensic Man

crystaleyesd said:
Now now surely she deserves some praise for not giving them all a Jackified name. You know she was dying to. Could have been chilli non jack, confit 'jack', fake jack, mock jack...
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She did go with 'The Big Jack' (lol) and not to forget the unforgivable 'breakfast MuckMuffin'

In fact The Jack Reuben is also a jackfruit recipes so make it 11
I'd assumed that was a name thing but not also a jackfruit thing
 
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EllaEm87

Does Jack even understand what makes the “duck” confitted?!! Like it’s a certain texture you’re trying to achieve no?! Salty, salty goodness?
 
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Notmycat

tragedy food - to be fair it's all tragic food

wintercynic said:
The Chickpea Caesar Salad sounds bloody terrifying, just from those words and the knowledge it contains jackfruit.
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chickpea Caesar salad
 

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That Forensic Man

I missed this in a terribly unforensic manner, apologies tender one, the wiki is now updated
Slop well pal x

As I understand it dear heart @Witchfinder Sargeant also made this recipe pre-slopathon
Thankyou for everything you do @Notmycat
 
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VeniVidiVicki

good grief @crystaleyesd you really took one for the team there. Brava!

I’ve never eaten jackfruit and despite you saying that was the nicest bit of the dish, I don’t want to try it
 
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crystaleyesd

Update for the morning crowd.

I couldn't face bringing this mess to the office and feeling the judging eyes of my colleagues as I choked down my slop, so I decided to try it for breakfast. I'm usually one of those people who can eat anything for breakfast - I always wake up ravenous.

But when I retrieved the cassoulet from the fridge, it had somehow gotten worse. I'd foolishly imagined that perhaps the sugar from the Jackfruit and pears might have mellowed out the sauce overnight, but the stench was just vinegar at this stage, which is pretty impressive considering there is no vinegar (it is mentioned in the method but not in the ingredients list so who fucking knows). The slop had turned into stodge so thick you could stand a spooooon in it. My attempts at rescuing it with sugar, paprika and soy sauce failed utterly.



Instead I ate the leftover pears, as god intended, and they were nice. I'm sorry fraus, this is going in the bin

I'm furious because this could have been fine. This was never one of her super budget recipes - if you're going to put the hob on for an hour, take a couple of minutes more to cook off the wine. And why skimp on ingredients once you've got them? A proper spoonful of coffee for the marinade and a couple tablespoons of oil to properly sweat the veg would have improved this immeasurably. Instead it's pale and insipid and if I served this on TV I think I'd simply die of shame.
 
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That Forensic Man

And to think Jack bangs on about leftovers constantly, if there had been any mention of doing something with them the next day I'd be petitioning for a rescore (there wasn't, I checked).
It's shameful that someone who could ill-afford to waste so much food could be duped into thinking leftovers were viable with any/all of her recipes.
 
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Fruitjack

I gave my copy away but I picked my username based on her obsession with it. She ‘discovered’ it years after everyone else then thinks it’s the only possible way to imitate or replace meat.

Regular reminder that when it’s used as it should be, and has been for centuries, in a proper Keralan curry, jackfruit is delicious. It got ruined by stupid idiots constantly making taste of sickly sweet BBQ sauce.
 
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Lazarus

Fraus, I will pause my plans to make tragedy mash this evening. My own ED is not great at the moment; I should have recognised this sooner than I did, but I don’t think it would be helpful to me at the moment to cook this. Especially with Mr Laz away as I know what my eating habits can be like when I’m home alone. Xx
 
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Lucky Escape

Weirdly, she does add sugar in her goulash recipe - but that's the one dish where it shouldn't be needed, as the 5 tbsp of paprika ought to be quite sweet enough by itself.

(The fact that she burns the paprika badly enough to still need the sugar is quite telling - so many of her recipes start with an initial mistake or misunderstanding and then add layers of unnecessary complexity to try to compensate for it. That's not being maverick, Jack, it's just being crap.)
 
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Pocahontas

Moderator
Looks dire.
 
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lurkerfrau

Bringing my slop forward, slop pickers. Was going to do this tomorrow but my other half is working late so knocked this up while the kid was eating dinner.

Chocolate Pear Cake
I have never done any vegan baking so was very curious to try this particularly as a friend’s daughter has a dairy allergy. I have no reference points for vegan baking so can’t tell from the method whether it’s sensible or not. Soon find out!


Had everything in but the tinned fruit (£1.05), the apple sauce (£1) and the coconut milk (£1.50) (

I combined the ingredients slop by slop, stopping to blitz up my (drained) pears.
First up, apple sauce and oil and sugar. Hard to get this to combine fully and there’s a distinct ‘halo’ of oil round the edges.


She says to reserve the pear juice and says she immediately pours this into a glass and drinks it, diluted with water. (Like a greedy goblin, I imagine)

I give this a go too. I didn’t have any vases to hand so had to make do with a glass.


It tasted … like pear juice diluted with water.
Back to my pears


Note the lumpy texture when coconut milk is added to the mix, above. I’ve never baked with coconut milk before so don’t know if this is good, bad or neither. Couldn’t get the lumps out when stirring but maybe that’s ok.

Flour, bicarb, cocoa powder and cinamon goes in. This is way more cocoa powder than I’d usually use for a chocolate sponge cake. Three times as much in fact.


Here’s the batter. Quite lumpy but smells good. I transfer to my loaf tin and even lick the bowl.



At this point she says to put the oven on. I do and wait for what feels like ages, for it to get to the right temperature. It’s a good opportunity to gaze into the distance and question some of my life choices.

In it goes

While it’s cooking, I must admit there’s a lovely cinamonny baking smell through the house. I feel optimistic. Maybe this slopalong is the one.

After it’s been in the oven 45 mins, she says to check it’s done by inserting a clean knife. The test reveals it’s still sloppy so I return to the oven. Then begins a very frustrating period of checking the cake is done every 5 minutes. It’s not. After 20 more minutes I accept that the knife will never come out clean. I’m worried it’ll burn so I remove it and leave it to cool while I deal with my crabbit toddler.

I do the bedtime routine and wonder if I will have an edible cake to enjoy on when she’s asleep.

Here’s my cake fresh from the oven. It’s all cracked but I can live with that.


This bit is from repeated testing to see if it’s ready


Once it had cooled, it looked not bad inasmuchas it was loaf-shaped and seemed solid rather than slop as I feared


And cut into ..


It’s just really disappointing. The texture is more like a pudding or a fondant than a cake or a loaf. You can’t hold up a slice without it all falling to bits. You can’t taste the pears because it’s got far too much cocoa powder in it. You can taste cinamon but no discernible pear flavour. It tastes bitter. Bitter with a hint of cinamon.

Fraus, this is my last slop. Fun as it’s been, I am now fully convinced that the recipes don’t work. Even with my previous efforts, I’ve had the feeling I might have done something wrong along the way. But this was such a simple recipe and I followed it to the letter (apart from baking it 20 minutes longer to try and make sure it was baked through, and not slop.) The texture is wrong, the flavour is horrible.
You’d be better just melting some chocolate over your tinned pears. This is just garbage.

I give it a 1.

I will keep reading the slopathons as they are brilliantly entertaining. But I’m done trying to get an edible bake out of any of her recipes.
 
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Smol Pixel

Despite myself I do keep hoping these recipes will actually work. It is truly shocking how bad they all are.
 
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Lumpyspaceprincess

Me too. You’d be better putting the pears at the bottom of the tin and putting cake mix on top and baking it. I’ve served that with custard before.
 
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That Forensic Man

Thanks for everything you've done tender one x

Scores on the doors:
Fruit Cocktail Cake - 1
Courgette Sultana and Lemon Bread - 1
Lardy cake/buns - 2.5
Chocolate pear cake - 1

https://giphy.com/2t9sDPrlvFpdK
 
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Thank(space)you

I needed a slopalong to cheer me up so thank you
 
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