Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

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Now now surely she deserves some praise for not giving them all a Jackified name. You know she was dying to. Could have been chilli non jack, confit 'jack', fake jack, mock jack...
She did go with 'The Big Jack' (lol) and not to forget the unforgivable 'breakfast MuckMuffin' :sick:šŸ¤®

In fact The Jack Reuben is also a jackfruit recipes so make it 11
I'd assumed that was a name thing but not also a jackfruit thing
 
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Does Jack even understand what makes the ā€œduckā€ confitted?!! Like itā€™s a certain texture youā€™re trying to achieve no?! Salty, salty goodness?
 
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Dinner tomorrow (for one person because Mr Laz is AWAY) will be firecracker sausages with tragedy mash.
Update to follow. Could you do the honours, dear @That Forensic Man
tragedy food - to be fair it's all tragic food

The Chickpea Caesar Salad sounds bloody terrifying, just from those words and the knowledge it contains jackfruit.
chickpea Caesar salad
 

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Dinner tomorrow (for one person because Mr Laz is AWAY) will be firecracker sausages with tragedy mash.
Update to follow. Could you do the honours, dear @That Forensic Man
I missed this in a terribly unforensic manner, apologies tender one, the wiki is now updated
Slop well pal x

As I understand it dear heart @Witchfinder Sargeant also made this recipe pre-slopathon
Thankyou for everything you do @Notmycat
 
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good grief @crystaleyesd you really took one for the team there. Brava!

Iā€™ve never eaten jackfruit and despite you saying that was the nicest bit of the dish, I donā€™t want to try it šŸ¤¢
 
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Update for the morning crowd.

I couldn't face bringing this mess to the office and feeling the judging eyes of my colleagues as I choked down my slop, so I decided to try it for breakfast. I'm usually one of those people who can eat anything for breakfast - I always wake up ravenous.

But when I retrieved the cassoulet from the fridge, it had somehow gotten worse. I'd foolishly imagined that perhaps the sugar from the Jackfruit and pears might have mellowed out the sauce overnight, but the stench was just vinegar at this stage, which is pretty impressive considering there is no vinegar (it is mentioned in the method but not in the ingredients list so who bleeping knows). The slop had turned into stodge so thick you could stand a spooooon in it. My attempts at rescuing it with sugar, paprika and soy sauce failed utterly.

P_20221123_084952.jpg


Instead I ate the leftover pears, as god intended, and they were nice. I'm sorry fraus, this is going in the bin šŸ˜­

I'm furious because this could have been fine. This was never one of her super budget recipes - if you're going to put the hob on for an hour, take a couple of minutes more to cook off the wine. And why skimp on ingredients once you've got them? A proper spoonful of coffee for the marinade and a couple tablespoons of oil to properly sweat the veg would have improved this immeasurably. Instead it's pale and insipid and if I served this on TV I think I'd simply die of shame.
 
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Update for the morning crowd.

I couldn't face bringing this mess to the office and feeling the judging eyes of my colleagues as I choked down my slop, so I decided to try it for breakfast. I'm usually one of those people who can eat anything for breakfast - I always wake up ravenous.

But when I retrieved the cassoulet from the fridge, it had somehow gotten worse. I'd foolishly imagined that perhaps the sugar from the Jackfruit and pears might have mellowed out the sauce overnight, but the stench was just vinegar at this stage, which is pretty impressive considering there is no vinegar (it is mentioned in the method but not in the ingredients list so who bleeping knows). The slop had turned into stodge so thick you could stand a spooooon in it. My attempts at rescuing it with sugar, paprika and soy sauce failed utterly.

View attachment 1753451

Instead I ate the leftover pears, as god intended, and they were nice. I'm sorry fraus, this is going in the bin šŸ˜­

I'm furious because this could have been fine. This was never one of her super budget recipes - if you're going to put the hob on for an hour, take a couple of minutes more to cook off the wine. And why skimp on ingredients once you've got them? A proper spoonful of coffee for the marinade and a couple tablespoons of oil to properly sweat the veg would have improved this immeasurably. Instead it's pale and insipid and if I served this on TV I think I'd simply die of shame.
And to think Jack bangs on about leftovers constantly, if there had been any mention of doing something with them the next day I'd be petitioning for a rescore (there wasn't, I checked).
It's shameful that someone who could ill-afford to waste so much food could be duped into thinking leftovers were viable with any/all of her recipes.
 
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Well done on taking one for the team! That looks like one of Jack's worst slops yet.

If you have some melamine cutlery lying around, you could give the leftovers to the homeless? What's Norwegian for "thank you for all you do"?

BTW to anyone who owns a copy of Veganish, if you ever get really bored, could you tell us what % of the recipes feature jackfruit?
I gave my copy away but I picked my username based on her obsession with it. She ā€˜discoveredā€™ it years after everyone else then thinks itā€™s the only possible way to imitate or replace meat.

Regular reminder that when itā€™s used as it should be, and has been for centuries, in a proper Keralan curry, jackfruit is delicious. It got ruined by stupid idiots constantly making taste of sickly sweet BBQ sauce.
 
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Fraus, I will pause my plans to make tragedy mash this evening. My own ED is not great at the moment; I should have recognised this sooner than I did, but I donā€™t think it would be helpful to me at the moment to cook this. Especially with Mr Laz away as I know what my eating habits can be like when Iā€™m home alone. Xx
 
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Smoked paprika can save many a thing, but I suspect it might have found its' match in this. Oh dear. You poor brave soul.

Again, I do not get why Jack never gets the reader to add a little pinch of sugar to these tomato-based recipes that involve cheap (and therefore very acidic) canned tomatoes and wine. Even a quarter teaspoon of sugar makes such a difference to a recipe, it doesn't make it sugary, it just mellows out the harshness of the other ingredients, especially when there's not much in the way of any fat to mellow it otherwise.
Weirdly, she does add sugar in her goulash recipe - but that's the one dish where it shouldn't be needed, as the 5 tbsp of paprika ought to be quite sweet enough by itself.

(The fact that she burns the paprika badly enough to still need the sugar is quite telling - so many of her recipes start with an initial mistake or misunderstanding and then add layers of unnecessary complexity to try to compensate for it. That's not being maverick, Jack, it's just being crap.)
 
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Update for the morning crowd.

I couldn't face bringing this mess to the office and feeling the judging eyes of my colleagues as I choked down my slop, so I decided to try it for breakfast. I'm usually one of those people who can eat anything for breakfast - I always wake up ravenous.

But when I retrieved the cassoulet from the fridge, it had somehow gotten worse. I'd foolishly imagined that perhaps the sugar from the Jackfruit and pears might have mellowed out the sauce overnight, but the stench was just vinegar at this stage, which is pretty impressive considering there is no vinegar (it is mentioned in the method but not in the ingredients list so who bleeping knows). The slop had turned into stodge so thick you could stand a spooooon in it. My attempts at rescuing it with sugar, paprika and soy sauce failed utterly.

View attachment 1753451

Instead I ate the leftover pears, as god intended, and they were nice. I'm sorry fraus, this is going in the bin šŸ˜­

I'm furious because this could have been fine. This was never one of her super budget recipes - if you're going to put the hob on for an hour, take a couple of minutes more to cook off the wine. And why skimp on ingredients once you've got them? A proper spoonful of coffee for the marinade and a couple tablespoons of oil to properly sweat the veg would have improved this immeasurably. Instead it's pale and insipid and if I served this on TV I think I'd simply die of shame.
Looks dire.
 
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Bringing my slop forward, slop pickers. Was going to do this tomorrow but my other half is working late so knocked this up while the kid was eating dinner.

Chocolate Pear Cake
I have never done any vegan baking so was very curious to try this particularly as a friendā€™s daughter has a dairy allergy. I have no reference points for vegan baking so canā€™t tell from the method whether itā€™s sensible or not. Soon find out!

5AD72FA9-2EDF-4190-9830-6C7DD3FC1191.jpeg

Had everything in but the tinned fruit (Ā£1.05), the apple sauce (Ā£1) and the coconut milk (Ā£1.50) (

I combined the ingredients slop by slop, stopping to blitz up my (drained) pears.
First up, apple sauce and oil and sugar. Hard to get this to combine fully and thereā€™s a distinct ā€˜haloā€™ of oil round the edges.
7DF36496-7796-4001-B4DB-217601224A65.jpeg

4268E3E6-A1CC-4A6F-927A-7D6E806D537C.jpeg

She says to reserve the pear juice and says she immediately pours this into a glass and drinks it, diluted with water. (Like a greedy goblin, I imagine)

I give this a go too. I didnā€™t have any vases to hand so had to make do with a glass.
E6450216-AB03-4435-8F5A-EDDF2DBCF588.jpeg


It tasted ā€¦ like pear juice diluted with water.
Back to my pears
6B5DDCE3-A9E4-472C-87A1-AE24241F402C.jpeg

2FF02C3C-6474-43AD-8D52-7ABCFAAAE5EB.jpeg

E5FA76C9-07E4-43D2-A0B2-574C49CE45ED.jpeg
Note the lumpy texture when coconut milk is added to the mix, above. Iā€™ve never baked with coconut milk before so donā€™t know if this is good, bad or neither. Couldnā€™t get the lumps out when stirring but maybe thatā€™s ok.

Flour, bicarb, cocoa powder and cinamon goes in. This is way more cocoa powder than Iā€™d usually use for a chocolate sponge cake. Three times as much in fact.
CF4CC339-DEA1-452D-BAB9-C387BEE94273.jpeg


Hereā€™s the batter. Quite lumpy but smells good. I transfer to my loaf tin and even lick the bowl.
D2A31C80-13AB-4D93-94E0-1638C27E7AE4.jpeg

83319D23-E9CE-4607-BB74-36FCB4E2112D.jpeg


At this point she says to put the oven on. I do and wait for what feels like ages, for it to get to the right temperature. Itā€™s a good opportunity to gaze into the distance and question some of my life choices.

In it goes

While itā€™s cooking, I must admit thereā€™s a lovely cinamonny baking smell through the house. I feel optimistic. Maybe this slopalong is the one.

After itā€™s been in the oven 45 mins, she says to check itā€™s done by inserting a clean knife. The test reveals itā€™s still sloppy so I return to the oven. Then begins a very frustrating period of checking the cake is done every 5 minutes. Itā€™s not. After 20 more minutes I accept that the knife will never come out clean. Iā€™m worried itā€™ll burn so I remove it and leave it to cool while I deal with my crabbit toddler.

I do the bedtime routine and wonder if I will have an edible cake to enjoy on when sheā€™s asleep.

Hereā€™s my cake fresh from the oven. Itā€™s all cracked but I can live with that.
171355DB-465C-4273-B494-F1619EDE920C.jpeg


This bit is from repeated testing to see if itā€™s ready
820C0A4A-7214-4B14-AE70-AC826B05A56F.jpeg


Once it had cooled, it looked not bad inasmuchas it was loaf-shaped and seemed solid rather than slop as I feared
249B5DF7-772A-43BA-8E68-D8DA41B94DBA.jpeg


And cut into ..
07C0E3D3-D55E-43EE-9990-43F6AA86295B.jpeg


Itā€™s just really disappointing. The texture is more like a pudding or a fondant than a cake or a loaf. You canā€™t hold up a slice without it all falling to bits. You canā€™t taste the pears because itā€™s got far too much cocoa powder in it. You can taste cinamon but no discernible pear flavour. It tastes bitter. Bitter with a hint of cinamon.

Fraus, this is my last slop. Fun as itā€™s been, I am now fully convinced that the recipes donā€™t work. Even with my previous efforts, Iā€™ve had the feeling I might have done something wrong along the way. But this was such a simple recipe and I followed it to the letter (apart from baking it 20 minutes longer to try and make sure it was baked through, and not slop.) The texture is wrong, the flavour is horrible.
Youā€™d be better just melting some chocolate over your tinned pears. This is just garbage.

I give it a 1.

I will keep reading the slopathons as they are brilliantly entertaining. But Iā€™m done trying to get an edible bake out of any of her recipes.
 
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Fraus, this is my last slop. Fun as itā€™s been, I am now fully convinced that the recipes donā€™t work. Even with my previous efforts, Iā€™ve had the feeling I might have done something wrong along the way. But this was such a simple recipe and I followed it to the letter (apart from baking it 20 minutes longer to try and make sure it was baked through, and not slop.) The texture is wrong, the flavour is horrible.
Youā€™d be better just melting some chocolate over your tinned pears. This is just garbage.

I give it a 1.

I will keep reading the slopathons as they are brilliantly entertaining. But Iā€™m done trying to get an edible bake out of any of her recipes.
Despite myself I do keep hoping these recipes will actually work. It is truly shocking how bad they all are.
 
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Me too. Youā€™d be better putting the pears at the bottom of the tin and putting cake mix on top and baking it. Iā€™ve served that with custard before.
 
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Bringing my slop forward, slop pickers. Was going to do this tomorrow but my other half is working late so knocked this up while the kid was eating dinner.

Chocolate Pear Cake
I have never done any vegan baking so was very curious to try this particularly as a friendā€™s daughter has a dairy allergy. I have no reference points for vegan baking so canā€™t tell from the method whether itā€™s sensible or not. Soon find out!

View attachment 1757823
Had everything in but the tinned fruit (Ā£1.05), the apple sauce (Ā£1) and the coconut milk (Ā£1.50) (

I combined the ingredients slop by slop, stopping to blitz up my (drained) pears.
First up, apple sauce and oil and sugar. Hard to get this to combine fully and thereā€™s a distinct ā€˜haloā€™ of oil round the edges.
View attachment 1757825
View attachment 1757828
She says to reserve the pear juice and says she immediately pours this into a glass and drinks it, diluted with water. (Like a greedy goblin, I imagine)

I give this a go too. I didnā€™t have any vases to hand so had to make do with a glass.
View attachment 1757831

It tasted ā€¦ like pear juice diluted with water.
Back to my pears
View attachment 1757834
View attachment 1757835
View attachment 1757836Note the lumpy texture when coconut milk is added to the mix, above. Iā€™ve never baked with coconut milk before so donā€™t know if this is good, bad or neither. Couldnā€™t get the lumps out when stirring but maybe thatā€™s ok.

Flour, bicarb, cocoa powder and cinamon goes in. This is way more cocoa powder than Iā€™d usually use for a chocolate sponge cake. Three times as much in fact.
View attachment 1757837

Hereā€™s the batter. Quite lumpy but smells good. I transfer to my loaf tin and even lick the bowl.
View attachment 1757841
View attachment 1757842

At this point she says to put the oven on. I do and wait for what feels like ages, for it to get to the right temperature. Itā€™s a good opportunity to gaze into the distance and question some of my life choices.

In it goes

While itā€™s cooking, I must admit thereā€™s a lovely cinamonny baking smell through the house. I feel optimistic. Maybe this slopalong is the one.

After itā€™s been in the oven 45 mins, she says to check itā€™s done by inserting a clean knife. The test reveals itā€™s still sloppy so I return to the oven. Then begins a very frustrating period of checking the cake is done every 5 minutes. Itā€™s not. After 20 more minutes I accept that the knife will never come out clean. Iā€™m worried itā€™ll burn so I remove it and leave it to cool while I deal with my crabbit toddler.

I do the bedtime routine and wonder if I will have an edible cake to enjoy on when sheā€™s asleep.

Hereā€™s my cake fresh from the oven. Itā€™s all cracked but I can live with that.
View attachment 1757843

This bit is from repeated testing to see if itā€™s ready
View attachment 1757846

Once it had cooled, it looked not bad inasmuchas it was loaf-shaped and seemed solid rather than slop as I feared
View attachment 1757849

And cut into ..
View attachment 1757850


Itā€™s just really disappointing. The texture is more like a pudding or a fondant than a cake or a loaf. You canā€™t hold up a slice without it all falling to bits. You canā€™t taste the pears because itā€™s got far too much cocoa powder in it. You can taste cinamon but no discernible pear flavour. It tastes bitter. Bitter with a hint of cinamon.

Fraus, this is my last slop. Fun as itā€™s been, I am now fully convinced that the recipes donā€™t work. Even with my previous efforts, Iā€™ve had the feeling I might have done something wrong along the way. But this was such a simple recipe and I followed it to the letter (apart from baking it 20 minutes longer to try and make sure it was baked through, and not slop.) The texture is wrong, the flavour is horrible.
Youā€™d be better just melting some chocolate over your tinned pears. This is just garbage.

I give it a 1.

I will keep reading the slopathons as they are brilliantly entertaining. But Iā€™m done trying to get an edible bake out of any of her recipes.
Thanks for everything you've done tender one x

Scores on the doors:
Fruit Cocktail Cake - 1
Courgette Sultana and Lemon Bread - 1
Lardy cake/buns - 2.5
Chocolate pear cake - 1

 
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Bringing my slop forward, slop pickers. Was going to do this tomorrow but my other half is working late so knocked this up while the kid was eating dinner.



Chocolate Pear Cake

I have never done any vegan baking so was very curious to try this particularly as a friendā€™s daughter has a dairy allergy. I have no reference points for vegan baking so canā€™t tell from the method whether itā€™s sensible or not. Soon find out!



ļæ¼

Had everything in but the tinned fruit (Ā£1.05), the apple sauce (Ā£1) and the coconut milk (Ā£1.50) (



I combined the ingredients slop by slop, stopping to blitz up my (drained) pears.

First up, apple sauce and oil and sugar. Hard to get this to combine fully and thereā€™s a distinct ā€˜haloā€™ of oil round the edges.

ļæ¼

ļæ¼

She says to reserve the pear juice and says she immediately pours this into a glass and drinks it, diluted with water. (Like a greedy goblin, I imagine)



I give this a go too. I didnā€™t have any vases to hand so had to make do with a glass.

ļæ¼



It tasted ā€¦ like pear juice diluted with water.

Back to my pears

ļæ¼

ļæ¼

ļæ¼Note the lumpy texture when coconut milk is added to the mix, above. Iā€™ve never baked with coconut milk before so donā€™t know if this is good, bad or neither. Couldnā€™t get the lumps out when stirring but maybe thatā€™s ok.



Flour, bicarb, cocoa powder and cinamon goes in. This is way more cocoa powder than Iā€™d usually use for a chocolate sponge cake. Three times as much in fact.

ļæ¼



Hereā€™s the batter. Quite lumpy but smells good. I transfer to my loaf tin and even lick the bowl.

ļæ¼

ļæ¼



At this point she says to put the oven on. I do and wait for what feels like ages, for it to get to the right temperature. Itā€™s a good opportunity to gaze into the distance and question some of my life choices.



In it goes



While itā€™s cooking, I must admit thereā€™s a lovely cinamonny baking smell through the house. I feel optimistic. Maybe this slopalong is the one.



After itā€™s been in the oven 45 mins, she says to check itā€™s done by inserting a clean knife. The test reveals itā€™s still sloppy so I return to the oven. Then begins a very frustrating period of checking the cake is done every 5 minutes. Itā€™s not. After 20 more minutes I accept that the knife will never come out clean. Iā€™m worried itā€™ll burn so I remove it and leave it to cool while I deal with my crabbit toddler.



I do the bedtime routine and wonder if I will have an edible cake to enjoy on when sheā€™s asleep.



Hereā€™s my cake fresh from the oven. Itā€™s all cracked but I can live with that.

ļæ¼



This bit is from repeated testing to see if itā€™s ready

ļæ¼



Once it had cooled, it looked not bad inasmuchas it was loaf-shaped and seemed solid rather than slop as I feared

ļæ¼



And cut into ..

ļæ¼





Itā€™s just really disappointing. The texture is more like a pudding or a fondant than a cake or a loaf. You canā€™t hold up a slice without it all falling to bits. You canā€™t taste the pears because itā€™s got far too much cocoa powder in it. You can taste cinamon but no discernible pear flavour. It tastes bitter. Bitter with a hint of cinamon.



Fraus, this is my last slop. Fun as itā€™s been, I am now fully convinced that the recipes donā€™t work. Even with my previous efforts, Iā€™ve had the feeling I might have done something wrong along the way. But this was such a simple recipe and I followed it to the letter (apart from baking it 20 minutes longer to try and make sure it was baked through, and not slop.) The texture is wrong, the flavour is horrible.

Youā€™d be better just melting some chocolate over your tinned pears. This is just garbage.



I give it a 1.



I will keep reading the slopathons as they are brillto ciantly entertaining. But Iā€™m done trying to get an edible bake out of any of her recipes.
I needed a slopalong to cheer me up so thank you
 
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