Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

[FrumpyCat]

My husband is intrigued by my copy of TCC (Tin Can Cook. )

Latest conversation:
Him 'Are people meant to take that book seriously?'
Me ' yes, I think so'
Him 'was it a best seller?'
Me 'I doubt it'
Him 'what's her name?'
Me 'Jack Monroe'
Him I'm going to Google "what do people think of Jack Monroe's tin can cook."''
Finds youtube review for rhubarb and custard crumble.
Watches open-mouthed muttering ' but why would you do that? But the custard and rhubarb are already cooked. That woman said it is a budget recipe, but she put it in the oven for 40 minutes. Even when the book was written, that wasn't budget. Look, she's making her husband eat it! '

He is out this afternoon, so I may attempt ' no cook pasta' from TCC

 

[Slopportunity Knocks]

Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS

We begin.

At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her crappy recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.

I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS

Spoiler: Ingredients

I assembled my ingredients

1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet

= AT LEAST £2.25

I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!

Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?

Spoiler: Method

I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.

“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this tit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”

I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.

Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!

Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so bleeping weird.”

Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,

It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”

Spoiler: The Sloppening - WARNED

Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition

Spoiler: Hot Slop!

After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .

Hot Slop Video - work that slop!

It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.

Spoiler: The finished 'product'

The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)

I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a duck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?

Spoiler: Scoring

Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0

Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog tit. BINNED!

Now duck off! x

 

[dickanddom]

I know it’s not strictly on topic but Vladserver has just targeted me with The Great Snow, some kind of restaurant experience “as snowfall dusts the landscape” etc.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS

We begin.

At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her crappy recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.

I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS

Spoiler: Ingredients

I assembled my ingredients

1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet

= AT LEAST £2.25

I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!

Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?
View attachment 1727291
View attachment 1727305

Spoiler: Method

I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.

“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this tit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”

I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.

View attachment 1727318

Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!

View attachment 1727299
Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so bleeping weird.”

Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,

It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
View attachment 1727321

Spoiler: The Sloppening - WARNED

Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition

Spoiler: Hot Slop!

After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .
View attachment 1727322
Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
View attachment 1727320
It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
View attachment 1727323

Spoiler: The finished 'product'

The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)
View attachment 1727324
I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a duck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?

Spoiler: Scoring

View attachment 1727326
Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0

Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog tit. BINNED!

Now duck off! x

The wet slap of gnocchi hitting the counter

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

Look, she's making her husband eat it! By @FrumpyCat as thread title nomination

 

[LadyGarden]

@Slopportunity Knocks - thank you for your service, that looks truly revolting Excellent use of the purple shampoo gloves, I don't think I could have touched that slop with my bare hands either. It would have been like trying to form gnocchi with a slug's innards

Update on Not Actually Jack's Dal Makhani

Having realised that I had messed this up yesterday, I was both hungover and mortified - about as good a combination as most of Jack's ingredients. As such, I couldn't face eating another portion of the Dal of Shame, so it sat in the fridge gently mocking me.

Thought I'd have it today for lunch. I picked the kidney beans out (not a huge fan) and warmed up a small portion. The onion was definitely more undercooked than I remember the first time round. I suspect that's because I removed the 'middle' texture (beans) so it was a more stark contrast between the soft lentils and much harder onions. It wasn't a nice contrast, the onion definitely needed more cooking.

The remaining dal went in a saucepan with some added water and thin slice of butter. Brought up to medium heat then simmered for 20 minutes. Taken off the heat then left for another 15 minutes with the pan covered. Quick reheat and, along with some plain rice, it was very nice. Bloody long-winded though in order to try and deal with one undercooked ingredient (plus adds to the fuel costs).

Jack, if you learn nothing else in this world then please, for the love of everything that is holy, learn to fry off onions.

 

[Smol Pixel]

Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS

We begin.

At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her crappy recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.

I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS

Spoiler: Ingredients

I assembled my ingredients

1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet

= AT LEAST £2.25

I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!

Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?
View attachment 1727291
View attachment 1727305

Spoiler: Method

I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.

“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this tit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”

I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.

View attachment 1727318

Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!

View attachment 1727299
Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so bleeping weird.”

Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,

It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
View attachment 1727321

Spoiler: The Sloppening - WARNED

Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition

Spoiler: Hot Slop!

After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .
View attachment 1727322
Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
View attachment 1727320
It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
View attachment 1727323

Spoiler: The finished 'product'

The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)
View attachment 1727324
I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a duck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?

Spoiler: Scoring

View attachment 1727326
Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0

Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog tit. BINNED!

Now duck off! x

I nearly spat my tea out at the video of your speedy mashing. Chapeau, tender one. A triumph of literal recipe interpretation.

 

[ThatsNotMyKitten]

OMG @Slopportunity Knocks, what even is that? There is surely no way she’s actually made that herself and thinks the recipe works? My Harold, who has not left, has made gnocchi before and it was dead easy to do. The fact she can duck it up that much is almost a skill in itself.

 

[House of Carbonara]

Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS

We begin.

At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her crappy recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.

I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS

Spoiler: Ingredients

I assembled my ingredients

1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet

= AT LEAST £2.25

I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!

Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?
View attachment 1727291
View attachment 1727305

Spoiler: Method

I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.

“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this tit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”

I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.

View attachment 1727318

Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!

View attachment 1727299
Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so bleeping weird.”

Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,

It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
View attachment 1727321

Spoiler: The Sloppening - WARNED

Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition

Spoiler: Hot Slop!

After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .
View attachment 1727322
Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
View attachment 1727320
It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
View attachment 1727323

Spoiler: The finished 'product'

The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)
View attachment 1727324
I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a duck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?

Spoiler: Scoring

View attachment 1727326
Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0

Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog tit. BINNED!

Now duck off! x

Well done, ninny! We knew it wouldn’t work, but shame all the same. Fresh gnocchi are lovely, and really easy to make. I understand people might be given tins of potatoes, but fresh ones are not wildly expensive. 1 kg potatoes (floury if poss), 300g plain flour, 1 egg and salt will give you perfect gnocchi without wasting anything.
Loved the video.

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

I laughed so much at your mashing @Slopportunity Knocks that the dog came over to see what was up.

Chapeau dear heart

On my special Jamie channel, that man made gnocchi the other day. Reader, they did not look dire

 

[Slop n slide]

Slopportunity Knocks Gnocchi AKA Slop Knocks Gnoc Slops AKA SKGS

We begin.

At the start of this I vowed to follow the recipe to the letter and not make any presumptions/adjustments, I don’t want to be responsible for trying to save her crappy recipe - I see the point of a recipe book is that you have paid someone else to guide you. From what we have seen here so far, JM’s recipes are the equivalent of a Sat Nav slowly, gently, guiding you to drive into a lake.

I did some voice notes as I cooked to help work up my review. My OH was also on hand to forensically document the SKGS

Spoiler: Ingredients

I assembled my ingredients

1 Egg - already had in FREE
100g Flour (no specification so went with plain) - already had in FREE
500g (drained weight - WARNED) tinned potatoes - 55p x 3 = £1.65
A handful of fresh parsley x 60p per packet

= AT LEAST £2.25

I couldn't find how she had costed it - if anyone has a version that estimates a £ per portion please share!

Each tin of potatoes had a drain weight of 180g so I had to decant three tins to reach the 500g goal - Obvs the weights are approximated on the tin but it left me with 132g of potatoes leftover. What do I do with these potatoes Jack - do I bung them in a curry!?!? Why 500g in the recipe?
View attachment 1727291
View attachment 1727305

Spoiler: Method

I was then directed to place the potatoes in a saucepan with water - cold or hot water was not specified so I went with cold. As I was told to use the drained weight (WARNED) I sieved the potatoes and then added them to the pan and put cold water on top.

“Bring to the boil reduce to a simmer and cook to warm through - around five minutes.”
Let’s time this tit, no specification what heat to have on the hob so I went with a happy ‘medium’. 6.27 minutes we reached boiling point so I chose to let them simmer for another 5. Voice Note “These potatoes are going to be hotter than the sun.”

I grabbed a handful of should I say fistful (bit gauche) of parsley and chopped finely. A handful is a lot of parsley.

View attachment 1727318

Once a total of 11 minutes, 27 seconds was up I forensically followed orders and took the potatoes out of the pan with a SLOTTED spoon and mashed them QUICKLY. Here is a video of me mashing quickly rather than my normal ambling, laissez-farre slow mashing style so you can see I fully committed. Steamy!

View attachment 1727299
Stir in parsley and egg. Voice note - “smells so bleeping weird.”

Next add the flour and ‘work’ it into the mash potato. I didn’t sift it because she didn’t direct me to. If she thinks for one second I am using my hands (sorry Caroline) to do this, she is having a laugh, instead I used my cheapest whisk I was okay sacrificing,

It all got so stuck in my whisk. Voice note - “it smells so weird, it’s really hot and I am frightened.”
View attachment 1727321

Spoiler: The Sloppening - WARNED

Warning ahead - this is so gross and sloppy - skip if you are of a delicate disposition

Spoiler: Hot Slop!

After some spoon in whisk action my slop was free. Now comes the part where we are told to ‘tip the mixture our onto a floured surface and USE MY HANDS to work it for a few minutes to create a soft dough." As I had already committed to following the instructions, I could no longer avoid getting my hands in there. It was so WET! I did wear the gloves that came with my purple conditioner and reader, they may have saved my life. I could still feel the hot, slimy lumps oozing around my fingers but as you can see I could still be stuck to my kitchen surface had I not worn the gloves, perhaps that's where those kitchen counter thot shots came from - her Mediterranean arse was stuck to the counter top with wayward gnocchi slop .
View attachment 1727322
Hot Slop Video - work that slop!
View attachment 1727320
It was soft alright but a dough it was not. I think the last time I made this I added more flour to try and get it to a firmer consistency - this time I stuck to the recipe as written. It was physically impossible for me to roll this slop into a long thin sausage - so I used a knife to arrange about a quarter of the slop into 2.5cm long pieces - I even attempted a ridge effect with a fork.
View attachment 1727323

Spoiler: The finished 'product'

The gnocchi did indeed rise in the boiling water to signal they were ‘done’. I was also done. Here is the finished product (the eagle eyed of you may spot that I have added a shop bought gnocchi in the meal - see if you can guess which it is!)
View attachment 1727324
I fed a bit to OH and the texture made him do a little ‘gip’ which was a review in itself. Once he recovered he declared it “dire - it feels slimy and tastes of nothing, but also too much parsley all at the same time.” I tried a bit too - and the closest comparison is what I imagine eating of lumps of old wallpaper paste would feel like, if you mixed it with a duck tonne of parsley. It is inedible, makes a huge mess, takes far longer than just boiling some gnocchi and potentially costs more to produce, whilst also wasting food because of the weird measurements of ingredients - why not base it on the drained weight of one tin of potatoes - why 500g? Why am I even asking this?

Spoiler: Scoring

View attachment 1727326
Ingredients -3 - easy to get but the required amount of potatoes mean you have to buy more than you need. The parsley is pointless and expensive.
Recipe - doesn’t work - 0
Visual Appeal - gip 0
Texture - double gip - 0
Taste - parsley gip - 0

Overall rating - 0.5 somewhere between Dire and Dog tit. BINNED!

Now duck off! x

The speedy mashing ended me. I could FEEL your anguish. I also enjoyed the bonus round of ‘Where’s Gnocchi?TM

 

[That Forensic Man]

I think Jack decides how much she would eat (unsurprisingly a small amount of this gross shite) and divides the recipe by that to determine servings. It's completely disingenous to state "serves 2" just because she'd eat it in two servings/portions. The recurring theme of the servings being less than half the calories a meal should be, plus the photos being either a tiny bowl zoomed in or a normal bowl with 2 or 3 servings depicted, is really starting to paint yet another fraudulent picture to go along with the actual fake recipe photos (let alone the rest of the grift).

I found this which confirms what I suspected, she had 50g pasta in the recipe but then claims to make 100g between her and SB (after being called out, mind). So if she "makes 100g and eats more than SB" implying let's say 60g per portion for Jack why was the recipe even less than this?
She refers to them as "little Jack portions".
This was in 2013 and prior to her first book A Girl Called Jack which was released in February 2014.
My mind is blown that we're here 9 years later with the exact same issue across the board, despite her being advised about this very early on.
I can understand how Jack would agree and then completely disregard it.
I can't understand how it got past the editors and so on.

 

[MavisBeacon]

I found this which confirms what I suspected, she had 50g pasta in the recipe but then claims to make 100g between her and SB (after being called out, mind). So if she "makes 100g and eats more than SB" implying let's say 60g per portion for Jack why was the recipe even less than this?
She refers to them as "little Jack portions".
This was in 2013 and prior to her first book A Girl Called Jack which was released in February 2014.
My mind is blown that we're here 9 years later with the exact same issue across the board, despite her being advised about this very early on.
I can understand how Jack would agree and then completely disregard it.
I can't understand how it got past the editors and so on.

View attachment 1727558
View attachment 1727559
View attachment 1727560

Increasingly I am becoming certain that Jack's whole schtick started as a way of rationalizing an eating disorder.

 

[Malkiavelli]

Here goes!

I chose the RED MUSHROOM CURRY from Jack’s website, as I thought it sounded relatively inoffensive. As it turns out, I was wrong.

I decided to half everything to make 1-2 servings (instead of 2-4). Here’s the link:

https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2018/02/13/red-mushroom-curry-40p-vg-v-df-gf/?amp=1

Ingredients:

She calls this a “hot spicy little number”, but it only has 1/8 tsp chilli flakes for 1-2 people. This is barely visible to the naked eye. FFS. Has she no taste buds?

View attachment 1712213

Cost:

I had everything in already apart from the mushrooms, which cost 60p.

Making the “curry paste” in the blender:

Why is there passata in this? A teeny tiny amount, but still. Red curry paste gets its colour from dried and fresh red chillies, there’s no tomato. (There’s also things like lemongrass, galangal, fish sauce etc. none of which is here.) But passata is red, I suppose, so there is that. But what do I know, Jack is the self-proclaimed food expert.

Anyway, the “paste” is not a paste - slurry is more like it. It is pinkish and tastes overwhelmingly of raw onion. Really unpleasant.

View attachment 1712218

Cooking the “curry”:

The instructions said wash the mushrooms, which I did. Then halved (although Jack’s photo shows them whole), and into the cold pan with a “dash” of oil and some salt until “gently browned”.

I then added the “paste” and simmered for 20 mins, as per instructions.

View attachment 1712231

And here’s the finished product.

View attachment 1712239


Nutrition (for the whole 1-2 person serving):

Calories: 250 (181 from the coconut milk)
Carbs: 16g
Saturated fat: 16g (that’s pretty high for a tiny meal)
Protein: 5g (very low)

That is quite bad enough as a single portion, but if you split it between 2 people, that’s 125 cals each FFS. I’m actually furious that she is passing this off as a meal.

Verdict:

A red curry that’s neither red nor a curry. The dominant taste is raw onion (due to the main ingredient in the “paste” being blended raw onion, I guess), with an unpleasant muddy back note. There is no heat in this at all, and it looks like slurry. Nutritionally, it barely qualifies as a side dish.

Taste: 1/5
Visual appeal: 1/5
Nutrition: 0/5

Revolting

Ps; You guys on these threads are my favourite thing on the internet!

 

[InTheVillage]

Sleepy Potatoes are in the oven!! All I can say for now is that's it's not for someone who can't do a lot of chopping, it's not economical both in terms of ingredients and energy, and finally, for those of u who have commented on small portions, I think I have what you're missing

 

[Smol Pixel]

Reheated the rest of the moussaka as per Jack’s instructions because I was hungry and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I didn’t think it was possible for it to look worse but

And it still tastes like THOROUGHLY rinsed sadness.

 

[TheCat'sMother]

Reheated the rest of the moussaka as per Jack’s instructions because I was hungry and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I didn’t think it was possible for it to look worse but
View attachment 1727694
And it still tastes like THOROUGHLY rinsed sadness.

I want to send a "Laughing, yet being sick" face but can't find one.

 

[here we go again]

I want to send a "Laughing, yet being sick" face but can't find one.

The laumiting is real on this thread.

 

[House of Carbonara]

I found this which confirms what I suspected, she had 50g pasta in the recipe but then claims to make 100g between her and SB (after being called out, mind). So if she "makes 100g and eats more than SB" implying let's say 60g per portion for Jack why was the recipe even less than this?
She refers to them as "little Jack portions".
This was in 2013 and prior to her first book A Girl Called Jack which was released in February 2014.
My mind is blown that we're here 9 years later with the exact same issue across the board, despite her being advised about this very early on.
I can understand how Jack would agree and then completely disregard it.
I can't understand how it got past the editors and so on.

View attachment 1727558
View attachment 1727559
View attachment 1727560

Disingenuous to say the least - a reasonable amount of dried pasta for an adult (especially if that's your main meal in the day) would be 100g. She has done and is still doing so much damage.

Increasingly I am becoming certain that Jack's whole schtick started as a way of rationalizing an eating disorder.

Yep.

 

[Nonah]

Reheated the rest of the moussaka as per Jack’s instructions because I was hungry and it seemed a shame to waste it.

I didn’t think it was possible for it to look worse but
View attachment 1727694
And it still tastes like THOROUGHLY rinsed sadness.

Jesus. This looks like the inside of our food waste bin.