Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

[Falkor]

Why the ever living frig would you fry a scone?

 

[hoopdedoo]

I never knew how invested I was in what Fraus kitchens look like until these threads.

Notice the lack of fraus und herren sitting on their counters looking "sultry" with dirty legs and feet.....

 

[WhyYouCry?]

Notice the lack of fraus und herren sitting on their counters looking "sultry" with dirty legs and feet.....

Just wait until I make my slop…

WARNED

 

[House of Carbonara]

@Hold my beans - fish crumble

@HotesTilaire lentil Bolognese?

Lemon juice on top of a cheese sauce?? Why?

One more fistful and I won't be responsible for the consequences. Ffs.

 

[Emmapism]

Never mind inexplicable eggs, inexplicable lemon juice.

Jack Monroe- Making food complicated and nonsensical since 2011.

 

[MissSL]

I didn’t think there could be much funnier than the JM threads. I was wrong. This thread is LIFE. You Frau’s cooking these ungodly slop recipes is total hilariousness. I hope JM is perusing in her twitter downtime. Not one of the finished products have looked edible yet. You must all be terrible cooks because there is no way JM can’t cook. She can’t lie.

 

[OpalMushroom]

Am tempted to have a look through the vegan cookbook and try something from there. Any suggestions? I assume I’m not allowed to make any alterations.

Might try the Greek style potatoes to ease myself in. I can’t afford to waste food, so I want to make something with a chance of being edible/salvageable to start with.

ETA: ‘Greek styled healthier chips’, sorry. I’m BUSY

 

[BlairWaldorf86]

@Hold my beans the slop plate!!! I cackled so hard I fell off my Cotswold sideboard and expired, send gravediggeros.

Today my OH and I both ate out for lunch (separately ) so we just ate random bits for dinner. The slop made a reappearance.

Not my hand!!!
Apparently “the tomatoes taste quite nice… hmm maybe not. It really is too oily”

This reminded me:

Spoiler: Nutrition

I worked out the calories using the ingredients I used and it was a respectable 459 per portion. The only problem was 250 of this came from the olive oil which there was far too much of. If you took half out that would only leave 334 per portion.

I still need to do a donation, will update when I do.

 

[FrumpyCat]

Even as a #1978truther I think Jack's too young to remember the That's Life "killer red kidney beans", isn't she?

Was it Watchdog that did the dangers of Poptarts, with a whole crew of people queing up to display their burned fingers?

Also had the presenter dress up in full protective gear (including helmet and face mask) to prove that, if you hit it with a hammer, glass would break. Then there was the dangers of concrete.

They don't make telly like they used to.

 

[House of Carbonara]

Never mind inexplicable eggs, inexplicable lemon juice.

Jack Monroe- Making food complicated and nonsensical since 2011.

Inexplicable Eggs - grunge band circa 1990.

Another book idea... How about making a *real*, edible version of the slop cooked so far? Something like - the Original, and voilá! The Edible Version.
Petty, I know. Soz.

 

[Walkdengirl]

@Hold my beans - fish crumble

@HotesTilaire lentil Bolognese?

I chop herbs in a cup but only certain ones, for thyme you need to pick the leaves off the stem as if you chop them like that you would end up with loads of short pieces of sharp twig that would be very unpleasant (and possibly dangerous) to eat. I love the flavour of thyme however a handful seems far too much.

 

[Anyfulekno]

Was it Watchdog that did the dangers of Poptarts, with a whole crew of people queing up to display their burned fingers?

Also had the presenter dress up in full protective gear (including helmet and face mask) to prove that, if you hit it with a hammer, glass would break. Then there was the dangers of concrete.

They don't make telly like they used to.

we spent most of the 80s thinking we were about to die, what with nuclear threat, public safety films and lynn faulds wood on watchdog each week warning us of the many things that were 'a potential death trap'

 

[NellieBoo]

Okay guys - here is the 15 minute, upside down fish pie…..

I gathered my ingredients and weighed them out.

View attachment 1717091
View attachment 1717174

(And yes, that is Maldon Sea Salt in a pinch pot - so what?? Do you want me to STOP EATING SALT??!!!)

The recipe states it serves 4 but my first impressions were that 300g of fish, which equated to 3 fish fillets didn’t seem like much between 4 people.

It also seemed like ALOT of celery!

Into the COLD pan we slop - with a pinch of salt and some cold oil…..

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The instructions tell me to fry the onion and celery (from cold, on my highest burner), for 3 mins, then add the frozen veg and fry for 2 mins more…

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Reader, they were all still raw by the end of the 5 mins, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Then, I added a crumbled stock cube, dried herbs (1tsp), 1 tbsp of flour, stirred it all in and added 300ml of skimmed UHT milk () gradually until it was all blended.

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And then add the fish and covered the pan with a lid - she says the fish should cook in 8 mins
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Near to the end of the fish cooking time, I put 300ml of skimmed UHT milk () in a jug, topped it up with 300ml boiling water, then added the potato flakes and 50g of soft spread..

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The next instruction was to microwave this solid paste for 1 minute, stir it and microwave it again for another 1 minute


So, this recipes states that the whole thing takes 15 minutes in one pan - a la a rip off of THAT MAN when his latest show came out (she posted it the night before he did his upside fish pie episode iirc??)

The total time for the recipe as written down by Jack is:

stir fry onions, celery then veg - 5 mins
add flour, milk etc & fish and cook for 8 mins
microwave instant potato for 2 mins
= 15 mins - MAGIC!

However, the potato was only slightly warm after 2 mins in the microwave so I had to put it in for another 2-3 mins, the veg were not cooked through and the fish took more like 10 mins to cook.

A cynical person might think that the times had been made up just to keep the recipe at 15 mins in total

Anyway, just before serving I stirred in the cheese to the sauce and served the mash in a bowl with the sauce on top.
View attachment 1717155

Verdict:

Taste - the mash was extremely bland and tasted of not much at all - I added a bit of the grated cheese to the top of mash to try to give it some flavour, but this did not help.
The fish part just tasted over poweringly of celery, which was still not cooked through properly and none of the flavours combined together.
There was also very little fish per serving - the dish is mainly a white sauce filled with onion, raw celery and other veg and a few bits of fish On top of bland potato.

Process - quite easy although the timings are all wrong. Also, she doesn’t tell you to grate the cheese, just to stir in the 80g cheese. Also, the mash was not cooked after the 2 mins instructed time in the microwave. It is not a 15 minute meal.

Cost - My total cost was £6.50 for the fish, skimmed milk(), onions, frozen veg and instant mash - I had the cheese and stock cube in so they were free.

Score
3 - Middle Class (not terrible as I did manage to eat it, it just wasn’t very flavoursome and I worked out that one portion only has 344 calories so not very substantial for a main meal.

Reader I would not make this again.

I'm sorry. This stupid '7 years in the making' recipe of upside down fish pie fills me with unimaginable rage. It is NOT an upside down pie. It is fish and veg in a sauce on top of mashed potato. And that is the hill I'm prepared to die on.

This is obviously not a reflection of your cooking dearheart. Just Jack's stupidity.

 

[Nonah]

Was it Watchdog that did the dangers of Poptarts, with a whole crew of people queing up to display their burned fingers?

Also had the presenter dress up in full protective gear (including helmet and face mask) to prove that, if you hit it with a hammer, glass would break. Then there was the dangers of concrete.

They don't make telly like they used to.

I still have a lingering fear of escalators after seeing something about how they crush childrens feet when I was far too young

 

[MistyWindows]

I’m sorry ninnies, I’m a flake and I’m doing my slop on Friday now instead.
I was feeling crappy and hormonal and I didn’t think a trip to one of the roughest parts of town followed by slop with slices of pig’s bumhole would have helped my mood
I’m getting a delivery because it’s cheaper than the tram (who knew? I always thought that deliveries from supermarkets required a month’s notice, a treacherous sea voyage and a valiant horseman.)

 

[Fruitjack]

we spent most of the 80s thinking we were about to die, what with nuclear threat, public safety films and lynn faulds wood on watchdog each week warning us of the many things that were 'a potential death trap'

I still have a little panic attack on an escalator after that rag doll got stuck in it

ooh someone said it first

 

[FrumpyCat]

Oh yes, add the flour *first*...
Has she ever made this?

BBC good food gnocchi recipes say add flour after the eggs. I think BBC good food gives Jack quite a lot of 'inspiration '. for writing recipes.

 

[Smol Pixel]

Having a good old grunk on the older threads and stumbled upon this tweet from the Daily Kitchen Live era. Not sure this squig would appreciate our slopalong

 

[Fleasyweezy]

Am tempted to have a look through the vegan cookbook and try something from there. Any suggestions? I assume I’m not allowed to make any alterations.

Might try the Greek style potatoes to ease myself in. I can’t afford to waste food, so I want to make something with a chance of being edible/salvageable to start with.

ETA: ‘Greek styled healthier chips’, sorry. I’m BUSY

Is Slopathon still going??? I thought I’d missed out but hey, if there’s still a chance to learn how to muller perfectly decent ingredients just to “patent” & wreck a recipe, I’m up for some amusement on Friday night. Just don’t expect me to perch on my tiny worksurface gazing wistfully & longingly into my second iPhone (I own only the one) nor do I have time this week to prepare my hands to anywhere near an appropriate level of grubbiness to come anywhere near the required levels to worship at the altar of Jack. But I will otherwise risk life & limb trying to recreate one of her recipes & without drawing attention from the local authorities nor adding to the burden of the local A&E

 

[Esiren]

Spoiler: Slop Drop

The chilli's done. The recipe was some what baffling as there's absolutely no bleeping timings (except boiling the tit out of beans for 10 mins) so I've had to use a bit of common sense- I have however followed the instructions EXACTLY to the letter. How can a recipe have no timings? Ludicrous.

Ingredients

View attachment 1714827

I had everything in except the wine and chocolate, or so I thought! I had failed at the first hurdle- the all important forensic stocktake. Oh well, beans is beans. We have pinto here instead of kidney. I ploughed on. I'm currently having a car chaos this week so I yomped to the village shop to pick up the wine (£7.95) and chocolate (95p). Definitely more expensive than it could of been, but not every one has access to Asda Jack, sue me. I also wanted to actually drink the wine.

A note here- wine and dark chocolate? Very bougie ingredients for a budget recipe. A brave squig flagged this in the website comments, to which Jack retorted her friends often brought round wine to her dinner parties, and she kept leftovers under the sink. We all know this is a complete fantasy.

Method

The first task for any discerning slop chef- bean rinsing. Here's the money shot.

View attachment 1714825

Rinsed baked beans and pinto beans went into a saucepan with cold water, Jack instructs a rapid boil for 10 minutes followed by a simmer for an unspecified time until they're soft. It struck me at this point perhaps she was getting her dried beans mixed up with her tinned, but I decided the less I thought about Jack's methods the better. Off they boiled.

View attachment 1714842

Whilst I committed the bean massacre, diced onion (no size specified, quelle surprise, so I went smallish) and chopped chilli went into a cold pan with oil. They were joined with - probably my aneurysm now - a 'shake' of paprika and cumin. Barely a smattering.

View attachment 1714871

Now the method here states cook these on a low heat. As the beans were well on their way to obliteration I cranked the heat up slightly to get them going, then lowered. Sounds obvious, but the recipe just doesn't tell you this. Once these were softened, as instructed I added the wine, toms and stock cube to the luke warm pan. I was losing patience here fraus.

It's time to check on the beans.

View attachment 1714884

They're back in the sink, colander's working overtime tonight. The baked beans have taken quite the battering but the pinto's are still holding their own. Into the pan they go.

View attachment 1714920

The dog disappeared at this point, there was a bad, cloying smell emitting from the pan. We cook on- I obediently stirred until the chocolate was melted. Time to serve!

View attachment 1714930

I divided the slop into quarters, and plated. Calories per person - 263. I fart-arsed about at this point creating this performative shot (what on earth did I need a knife for?). The chilli didn't move an inch, solid as a rock. The baked beans have dissolved into a thickening agent. PS. Sorry for the lack of props, I was DONE at this point. Jack provided no serving suggestion short of gormlessly sticking a spoon in her mouth so I popped it on a plate so you can scale it. Pathetic.

Taste

It tastes like beans in tomato sauce, like the ones I rinsed 45 minutes ago. It will come as no surprise to anyone that it tastes of NOTHING. The wine and chocolate are so performative it's laughable. The money you've spent on those ingredients could have been spent on cinnamon, garlic, oregano, crushed chilli flakes, maybe some mushrooms, a tin of sweetcorn, red peppers, smartprice cheddar.. it would be so much better and more nutritious. The wine and chocolate are lovely as a finishing touch in a middle class kitchen but a chilli holds up without them, get the basics right first FFS. It's thoughtless, I don't think more than 10 mins went into writing this recipe. Mumma Jack's best ever? Please.

Verdict

I would have given this a 2 as it's technically edible, but as I had to make up all the timings, it's getting a 1.5. It's a boring meal, completely uninspiring and not worth the 45 mins it took to make. I'm lucky I had the time and resources as an experiment, but I'd be pretty disheartened if I had to serve this to my family. I ate one portion and put the rest in a bowl for the fridge. Worth noting the bowl was the same size as the one Jack was holding on the website- so she's eating 3 portions of this in the photo. Granted food styling and photography isn't exactly accurate, and I wouldn't usually be arsed, but for a budget cook it's incredibly misleading to show triple the portion size as a standard portion.

Donations made to my local foodbank and a dog shelter close to my heart who are struggling with bills at the mo. I'll post the receipts later when I've worked out how to blank out the details.

SO many times I've made a more edible 'chilli' with a tin of baked beans, a tin of chilli beans, and maybe chopped red pepper- with a 'sauce' made from some gravy granules, chilli, tomato puree, any leftover red wine (as if), stock if handy, and whatever seasoning required. The gravy thickens it all nicely, adds some 'beef', and it's cheap and good with chips or whatever, and does actually taste decent. No rinsing or boiling required, and it all goes in a pan.