Single by Choice

[MarthaFarkus]

The thing is I tell people they’re doing my head in and to leave me alone I don’t have a filter so I just come across as rude but I’m really not.

 

[Boogs]

Sorry just out of interest are you a man dating women or a woman dating women?

I’m a woman.

 

[Olgivy]

This is interesting to me, I haven't had a relationship and I think it is partly because I've never met a man who was intellectually stimulating to me, and also attractive. It's one or the other! Not to blow my own trumpet but I am fairly intelligent, it's pretty much my best quality, and I'd be mortified if I had to play that down to a MAN.

Definitely hold out for the intellectual man. But he needs to have the emotional intelligence/feeling component too (VERY RARE). Without it, there will be problems still. The ex before the recent ex was very intellectual, but he was so cold and unfeeling, it was the loneliest relationship I’ve ever had.

So, if you haven’t had a relationship yet, you haven’t missed much. Most men are basic AF. And settling for one, will just give you more problems then it is worth.

 

[petitspois]

Yes, I think a device is your best bet. I did read a review of a plug in vibrator that seemed to have rave reviews but maybe you’d never leave the house @peachesandcreamz

 

[fxckmanet]

Rant for today - My ex came round at the weekend to pick up a book that she'd left here. Whenever I see her all she does is complain, mostly about money, which is her own fault for getting herself into the situation she has and not making the effort to get out of it.

She started complaining that the hob in her new flat doesn't 'recognise' her pans so she can't make hot choc with the Velvetiser sachets, 10 mins of pointless complaining later, she's guilt tripped me into giving her my actual Velvetiser, she literally cried that she couldn't make a decent hot chocolate as if that's a valid problem to cry over "But I'll give you the pot so you can make them on the hob still" - No thanks, I'll have the proper machine that I paid for, especially as the main reason for me buying it is because I have some hand problems where holding kitchen utensils can be painful.

And just to add insult to injury, as she was leaving she asked me if I had a spare vape that I could give her - annoying but wouldn't usually be a problem, but this time it just really shat on my cornflakes.

I had two years of paying all of our bills with no help, and getting myself into debt to support us both, only to still have the shit end of the deal even when we aren't together.

 

[Chocolategoggler]

Being a generally nice person I must remember to invoke my assertiveness training and rather than being astonished at someone's gall at the questions they ask, I need to reply with either a statement, e.g. using the word patronising or ask them why or what makes them say that.
Then continue to ask why or what to whatever answer they give, which usually ends up being long and rambling until they basically stfu with embarrassment.

 

[Chocolategoggler]

On my list to watch......
Interesting comments including "interviewing her like she's an alien":

 

[newtoyou]

Don't get a dog if you are at work all day. It's not fair to leave them alone for so long. But go for it if you love dogs and can leave them for shorter periods. I am generally in the camp of what you can offer a pet rather than what you expect the pet to do for you. Dogs are a huge commitment.
*Hah, sorry, just saw your new post saying you are allergic.

Do you have any neighbors to connect with? Checking in with an elderly neighbor, or something that doesn't take up much time and commitment can quell those lonely times. And they are often even lonelier than you, so it can benefit two parties.

Exercise? Cleaning? Having a specific thing to do right when you get in may help take your mind off the immediate empty house feeling.

Thanks for all the suggestions I should definitely find something to look forward to as I come in. I should say I have a very cosy routine once I’m settled on the couch. I guess it’s like we were saying above, those hollow moments when you first come in to an empty house
---

I go on to the relationships board on Mumsnet and then I feel relieved I'm on my own! Also I remind myself that the odd hollow moments will pass. Cook something nice. Eat chocolate. I've never understood people who say it's depressing to just cook for yourself. I love it because I'm worth it

Excellent tip about mumsnet I love cooking for myself too! You don’t have to worry about what anyone else likes

 

[Quattro formaggi]

Hi singletons! I'm off to a gig on my own this evening (which starts at 10.30pm!! madness lol!). Going to grab a couple of bevs and drink them whilst getting ready before heading on down. Saturday will be spent sleeping in and then maybe a nice walk while it's still dry here.

How are you all spending your weekends?

I’ve sometimes thought about going out on my own.

I’m going a nice walk early tomorrow morning then some Xmas shopping at bluewater and cook a nice meal sat night and watch strictly with a few glasses of vino Sunday swimming then chores around house/garden. That’s the plan anyway. I do usually see family and friends at the w/e but not this one but have a few really busy ones coming up next month so I will enjoy the peace while I can!

 

[Zenchick101]

I’ve discovered a new joy, or I am officially getting old.

Gardening.

Who knew it could be so fun? Lately I seem to be thrilled at the idea of picking my plants for my hanging baskets. Hot pink petunias! And painting my terracotta pots for my rhododendrons. I am even considering getting a straw hat, because we are going all in with the “wild times” over here. Boring bastard. But seriously, the peace I have not dealing with men anymore, is unlike anything I could have predicted. It’s like my bandwidth has expanded, there are seemingly more hours in the day, and I’m much more creative.

It’s interesting, because I offered to cut the next door neighbours lawn last weekend, and while I was edging (not that kind) I could hear the two of em’ arguing. And all I could think was “that used to be me” sat inside in my pyjamas at midday, arguing with some twat who was committed to misunderstanding me. Felt weird to be on the other side, because Lord knows my old neighbours must have heard an f bomb or two. It was all such a waste of time. At one point, I heard her say “oh go on then. walk off like you usually do” And I thought to myself, “they just lose respect for you once you live with them.” It’s that complacency, and casual indifference about my feelings that I don’t want to experience ever again. Or explaining emotional intelligence to a grown adult. It sucked the life out of me. Will I be in a relationship again? Never say never. But the likelihood is that I won’t be. My standards are not of this world, and it’s ongoing, the peace I’m making with that.

Honestly I think they almost lose respect for you when you're the one chasing, pushing things forward and "wanting things". I've had a fwb arrangement for the last two weeks now. Which works great for me because my mind is too occupied with other things. I go to him for a bit of fun to destress from a not fun phase of life. With my mind being elsewhere I'm not the one chasing with texts, or asking for anything I just go with the flow which is surprisingly nice. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'm getting company and affection without the stress of being in a relationship?

Seems like it might be making me more attractive as well.

 

[unidentified]

Agreed - I don't want to live anywhere super rural (I've got a friend who is in quite an isolated part of the West Country and that's too far off the beaten track for me), ideally I'd like to be within 3-5 miles of a supermarket for example but there are quite a few places in the areas I'm looking that I could achieve that but also not be cheek by jowl with other houses. And I'm thinking that being in a village or that close to a town would still give me the option to be social and join clubs and things as and when I felt the need for more human interaction - and if I didn't then I could happily be alone in my country cottage with a dog or two

I think what you’re dreaming of is perfectly ‘normal’ (I say it like that because what is normal).

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I don't doubt myself and after 10+years of my unhappily coupled friends observing my lifestyle, neither do they.

Good for you, but I wasn't speaking for everybody. I was replying to the poster above about her self-doubt comment and speaking within that context.

 

[newtoyou]

i get this too! pretty much the exact moment that i come through the door - especially if i’ve had a bad day at work or if i’m coming home from a trip. i remember coming back in a taxi from a holiday with a friend of mine and her partner met her at the door and was happy to see her and i had a moment of 🥹🥹 i can’t deny that coming home to someone does appeal, even if i would probably then want them to leave if they were in my house for longer than an hour.

i just try and keep busy really! i have a set routine of what i do when i get home (in terms of starting to cook my meal, tattle scroll and sit down, reading) and i find having podcasts on while i’m cooking and then just background music as i read really helps. i’m not a hugely lonely person either but i get you that it’s those small moments where i have a little tug on my heart! (and also when i’m ill),

This makes me feel better I guess we should remember that lots of people would also wish they didn’t have to come home to someone and wish they were alone! I do v similar to you in terms of routine but it is that one moment as I walk though the door. Maybe I’ll put music on before I unlock the door

 

[unidentified]

I’m happy to be a spinster

 

[L3moning]

When I heard about the England footballer who got a yellow card and broke his wrist despite not playing a minute during the last match, my first thought was ‘his poor wife’, no doubt having to put up with his huge moods and anger over the coming months. I’m so glad to live in a peaceful home.

The player in question, Jordan Henderson, is most famous for seemingly supporting the LGBT community then taking money to go and play in Saudi Arabia, which was obviously criticised as hypocritical.

 

[newtoyou]

Might I suggest a pet? They really do help with that "coming home to an empty space" feeling. Great cuddlers too. Unless they're cats. Really might I suggest getting a dog hahaha.

Haha yeh I defo wouldn’t get a cat and am actually allergic to both Although the thought of a dog is Tbh even a fish seems like too much responsibility to me!

 

[shadowcat5]

I have to say it's the women I judge in this scenario (unless it's a case of domestic abuse where the man is coercing her into being this way, that's different obviously). The women I know who are like this get upset when they have kids and the man still wants to go to his sports club or whatever on Saturdays because weekends are supposed to be 'family time', as though just because they've given up their whole identity to be mothers the man is somehow in the wrong for not wanting to do the same. Unless they're going out having fun all weekend and then coming home and moaning that their wife hasn't cleaned and cooked for them, IMO the men just have healthy boundaries, and women would often benefit from being more like that.

My parents were marathon runners when they were younger, and ever since I can remember both of them (separately) spent several hours a week out of the house training, often leaving me home alone once I was old enough. I can't say it ever did me any harm - the opposite if anything, I think it set a really good example of how just because you're in a relationship or nuclear family doesn't mean you have to do everything together and sacrifice all your outside interests. We did plenty of stuff together too, just not every single hour of the day. When you see the way some women are it's no wonder their kids grow up thinking the only thing that matters is getting married and having children of their own, and if they get to 35 without having done either it means their life is a complete failure.

i 100% agree and I wasn’t blaming either party. I think it’s just more the done thing that women seem to give up everything yet men don’t seem to? In relationships and with kids, it’s always the women who seem to do the sacrificing

 

[yogiessexdubs]

This gives me a massive cringe honestly, then when they're challenged online about it they're like 'ooooh well feminism says we're all equal so you should stand!!' it's not even about that, it's about looking like a pathetic childish little boy with no consideration of others.

Yes exactly this, ‘manspreading’ - taking up all the space cos they think they’re ‘hench’, I’m slender but fuckkkk offff.
The sickness I feel when a full grown man is racing me for a seat.
I lived in Dubai (there are lots of other issues) but all of the Arab men would give up their seat for a woman.

 

[peachesandcreamz]

I’m in a very, very long term relationship so probably don’t have the right to post on this board. But I covet the single life - I fantasise about it endlessly and this board only make me want it more. I think I was always meant to live alone and not be in a relationship but various life circumstances have led to me clinging to this relationship far beyond its expiration.

So what makes me stay? Not financial codependency because I’d be ok on my own there. No, apart from the usual difficulty in extracting yourself from a complex, long term relationship and our children together who would be devastated, I stay with him because of practical concerns. Mostly because I don’t drive due to a medical condition and have a limited support network so I worry about getting the kids (both aged 14 and over) to school or if I needed to go to a hospital appointment an hour or two away (this has only happened once in my life so far) or who would help me move house because I’ll probably need to sell up and who would take things to the tip on and on these slightly illogical worries persist, keeping me in co-dependency.

Can anybody assure me that single non-drivers with responsibilities can comfortably exist easily out there in the world?! I know that sounds silly.

I lived alone and didn't drive for about 10 years! As someone else mentioned, I also have an autoimmune disease which calls for regular trips to the hospital. I don't have children, so I can't talk to that side of things, but it is absolutely possible.

Would you consider moving somewhere more "walkable"? Understand that's a big upheaval so perhaps not very practical, if you want Dad in the kids' lives etc, but it makes driving almost completely unnecessary in those sort of cities/towns!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I prefer the word bachelorette to spinster For me the word spinster translates to crazy old cat lady for some reason

Totally. Spinster is such an old-fashioned-sounding word!