Single by Choice

[savedlatin21]

Just weighing in my opinion (this thread is definitely for me). I am 35 years old. From the age of 27-33, I really, REALLY tried hard with the dating thing. Gave it my best intentions, and I feel so bad for my younger self and the absolute sh*t I had to put up with. Some really awful experiences, being absolutely used by men when I was looking for something real and genuine, it's just sad really especially when I tried to start dating 'older' men (ie 37-42) in the hope they'd be more genuine.

The last couple of years of my dating was fuelled by the fact I knew I wanted to buy a house and that it would be more realistic sharing the expenses with a man (sad but true). Well, this year I made my house purchasing a reality and I did it myself. It's been an absolute stretch but I did it, and without needing a man. Now I've done it, my desire to ever date again has fizzled out to 0%. I count myself lucky I've no desire to have a baby and that I'd need to force myself into a desperate dating situation for this. I am so happy ever since I deleted my apps and erased the expectations of people around me to 'find' someone. What needs to change is society's expectations that everyone needs to be coupled up. Women don't need a husband these days, things have changed and society needs to catch up.

 

[mediocrehouseplant]

how do people find answering the question of “so have you found anyone?” Or “when is it going to be you?” at like weddings etc. What do you say that will stop asking forever lol

Not exactly the same, but I've had people directly ask me "so why aren't you married/with anyone?" and I always respond with "just lucky I guess" - it makes others around laugh and I've seen the asker's facial expression change as they're jolted into the realisation that perhaps that wasn't a polite thing to ask.

 

[BanditHealer]

Happy Christmas to us, remember how blessed we are not to have to deal with lazy men and annoying in laws!

 

[shadowcat5]

It’s a good point isn’t it and pretty much what @LaBlonde said. Men are totally ‘allowed’ to be single, women are not. Boils my piss something chronic that.


I literally am but I adore it

you know what is hilarious that I just thought about

men being single = career driven, never found the right one, highly respectable who won’t settle

women being single = unwanted, left on the shelf, probably crazy

when usually the reality is that single men are often single cause they’re insufferable man babies or incels and women are often single because they’re career driven, have a lot of self respect and won’t settle for anyone.

 

[Thatswhattatsaid]

Hello! Not sure if this is the place for me I have been single for 2 years now, I believe by choice a I'm not actively looking for a relationship and the thought of being with another person and starting a relationship again doesn’t interest me in the slightest. I became single at 28 after spending 11 years with the person I thought I was going to marry and have children with. He worked and lived abroad for 6 years of the relationship, said he was doing it for us (incredibly well paid and tax free). In the time he was away he’d come home regularly and for the first 4 years I’d visit him regularly, anyway to cut a very long story short he was living a double life with another woman. I’d been living in his house for almost 2 years after his Mum passed away and we’d put it up for sale and had put an offer on the house of our dreams, He told me he was coming home, it was in the first lockdown and after months of being “stuck” abroad I found out he wasn’t were he said he was at all , he was in fact in the usual place and living with this woman. The manipulation and torment that came after it was horrendous, a little insight, everything I did on the Internet or watched on TV he knew about as he could access it abroad and there’s was CCTV in the house. It was a long drawn out process but when he caught wind of me putting stuff in place to buy my own house it got nasty, he’d send stuff to the house addressed to me for his new house (knowing I had nothing but my clothes, I’d given up furniture to move out of my parents home to his Mums which was fully furnished), he would write and send letters to the printer telling me about the future we could have and how much he loved me but did this so it couldn’t be traced back to him and shared with the other woman (she knew about me) and eventually gave me 2 weeks notice essentially leaving me homeless as the new buyers were moving into the house and he’d be returning to move into his new home that he’d bought for us both, didn’t tell me the details just turned up in the doorstep 3 days before I was due to leave and asked for a hug. For some context he’d spent years telling me he was going to propose, sending me videos of the ring he was having made and on one holiday telling me to get my nails done, not to look in his case and to dress up nice - at the end of the holiday when I asked him why he’d said all these things he told me that I ruined the holiday when I asked if he was moving home permanently, he said he was and yet he hadn’t returned any of his stuff which I then questioned.

It’s taken a long time for me to recover and I’ve done a whole U-Turn on what I want in life, I have no desire to get married or have children. I’m now approaching 2 years living alone, turned 30 this year and have been single since, I look back and recognise a lot of negatives from the relationship and wish I’d listened to the people around me. Despite all this I’m at a point where my closest friends have got married and are now having babies and part of me feels a little bit sad about being stuck and not moving forward or I guess having nice things to celebrate. I’m in a good career and we’ll paid although because of the cost of living tend to live month to month and I’m so sick of listening to the above mentioned friends say “you just need to meet someone” because that’ll solve all my problems.

Eurgh for those interested my ex is now engaged to the other woman, which left me feeling for a long time “what is wrong with me” and has left me questioning myself a lot.

Anyway, there are many day I love being on my own, more days than not for sure.

I am so happy that we can talk on this thread. I always felt so alone being single because I was always surrounded by people who needed to be in relationships. I think it’s worse for women. It feels like society tells women that we’re not complete or we’re unworthy when we’re not in relationships. I believe that’s where the pressure comes from. I have never been in a relationship and always been happy which felt like it was against the grain

Thank you! I feel like you’ve hit the nail on the head for me… “we’re unworthy when we’re not in relationships” - I have friends that will inadvertently isolate me from conversation because I’m single, not married and without kids.

 

[MarthaFarkus]

Just say you’re happy as you are, it’s no one else’s business really why someone is single. People really need to get over this insistence that everyone needs to be in a relationship, it’s outdated and quite frankly - offensive.

 

[shadowcat5]

Thought you lot would enjoy this

 

[qqwertyy]

I’m really not anti-relationships, I’d love to meet someone. But based the experiences I’ve had and the experiences my friends and family have had, the older I get the more certain I am that I’d rather be single than with at best a useless emotionally immature manbaby and at worst an abuser.

The crap some women put up with just because it’s better(?) or easier(?) than being single shocks me. And actually the fact that society considers people in relationships more successful in this imaginary game of life is what annoys me most.

 

[kendallroysdownfall]

Well ladies... I am currently sitting in bed in my chilled bedroom. I'm listening to cheesy soft rock classics from the 80s on Spotify. A church candle is burning on the top shelf of the furniture that I put together myself. I'm drinking hot coffee and downloading some pictures for my journalling scrapbook. My supermarket order will be delivered soon and I'll put together some healthy lunches for work this week. Later on I might walk down to the beach and collect some shells and stones for a project that I'm working on. I wouldn't trade any of this for the world I can't imagine any man fitting into my lovely life.

 

[Nurseali]

I am having a wahey look at how far you have come.moment.

My ex husband was so controlling I wasn't allowed contact lenses and had curfews set when I wanted to go out. Many many rules.

This weekend I am going away with 20 friends to celebrate a birthday.
I would never have been "allowed" when I was with him. I wouldn't have even asked. Just been shopping for bits for it and wanted to cry at how much my life has changed in two years. Like literally started welling up in Superdrug
Everything I thought was a reason I couldn't leave has just not been the issue I expected. It's been so easy that the two years have flown.

 

[Lola Ruby]

I've been wanting to post here for ages. I've been reading all your posts and just want to say I envy you all. I'm coming up to six years in my relationship and have been deeply unhappy for nearly a year - things really came to a head when we moved in together last year. I feel like I've had almost an awakening of sorts - realising things about myself, like how I've been in awful, toxic relationships back to back for years and that I can pretty much attribute it to trauma/not knowing my worth. Realising that most men have little to no basic life skills and are basically just looking for a second mum.

I can't believe some of the shit I've put up with over the years from men - cheating, lying, emotional and verbal abuse etc etc. The relationship I'm in is marginally better and there have definitely been good times but at the moment I am unhappy and find myself longing to be alone, have my own place, my freedom, noone to clean up after (or complain about things like dirty baseboards etc without ever so much as attempting to do anything about it themselves), to travel and not be tied down, and just the space to really work on myself, mentally, emotionally, physically. I have zero savings at the moment and can't afford my own place so I'm stuck for now...

Also I can so relate to the friends who seem to have had complete lobotomies over men. One of my friends has been with her boyfriend for around 3 years now? She got pregnant last year (it was an unplanned pregnancy) and then moved to the city he lives in, "they" bought a house (rather, HE bought the house off a family member - as far as I'm aware her name isn't even on the mortgage, she gave some weird excuse about how they wanted to keep the house in the family, so she's essentially renting from him even though she's the mother of his child?) all within a matter of months. She doesn't know anyone there except for his friends and family and often admits how lonely she feels. I don't see him giving up his life for her. Another friend has been seeing someone for a few months and while I've met him and he seems nice enough, he's so wishy-washy and won't say they're girlfriend and boyfriend even though they are? It's made her feel really shit and insecure. Also I've noticed that she's started to take on his interests - e.g., he's a photographer and now she's suddenly "into photography" too and posting all these artsy photos on Instagram. Lol. Just be yourself!! All of this to say that I've found myself questioning WHY it's so normalised to accept this for ourselves, why we give up so much of ourselves and our lives for men, the same creatures who usually can't even be arsed to wipe away their skid marks in the toilet.

Sorry for this massive incoherent rant and sorry to hijack this thread when I'm not actually single lol - been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I could go on and on but I'll spare you all

Keep being your fabulous selves

 

[sleepflowers]

I went to Tesco after work and it was full of men buying last minute flowers and boxes of chocolates with absolutely zero thought or effort behind them. Made me glad to be single honestly!

 

[Olgivy]

Just some random thoughts this Sunday…

Do any of you people watch? I like to couple watch. I was in Nando’s today, and it was wild the amount of couples who were dressed up to eat their dinner in complete silence. Literally. Sitting across from one another at the table. Men looking out the window. So was the women. What is the point? Might as well eat alone.

I’m loving this era I’m in, where I am decentering men and instead centering myself. No sacrifice compromise, just all about what I want. Society has conditioned us to feel like this is a bad thing, and like we are selfish for not wanting to consider someone else all the time. But lately, I’ve been leaning more into the fact that I love being alone. I love the unconditional love that my daughter and animals give me. I don’t want to “work” for love. I have no interest in dating apps, or chatting shit over WhatsApp with a variety of men. I don’t need or want validation from men. I just want to be love, which is what I already have right here, right now. In abundance.

I wont rule out a relationship for the future. But I’ll never actively look for one. I believe it sends the wrong message to our soul. It tells us that we are “deficient” in some way.

Also, and this isn’t talked about much at all. But I used to feel that I had to “hurry up” to find someone because I’m getting old. And “men don’t want old women.” This misogynistic mindset controlled all of my behaviours when it came to seeking validation from men. I needed to be sexy, have long hair, and wear toe crushing heels. I’d be in so much pain, but it was worth it if a man wanted me right? I did endless self-preening for years and years, and if I’m honest it was a whole lot of work for very little long term payoff. Well, very little payoff of substance that is. I am a smart woman, with a big heart. But in my mind, that meant nothing if a man didn’t immediately think phroar when he looked at me. This is such a toxic mindset to have, yet so many women have it. I had it. I don’t anymore…

You see this mindset on TV, TikTok. Ads. Conversations. It’s everywhere. This incessant “beauty” talk is mainly for the purpose of a male gaze. Would we really want our lips done if we were on an island with just ourselves for company? What’s it all for? I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love expensive skincare, and nice bath products. But part of decentering men has been about being mindful of which aspects of beauty culture I subscribe to. Especially if my decision to partake in something, is fuelled by an inkling that this would make me more “desirable” to a man.

 

[Anne1448]

You know what piss me off more than a man who won't settle?

A man who will drag a woman along for years and won't marry her. Yet will get into a new relationship and marry the new one within months.

I've seen this wayyyy too often with my male friends and acquaintances.

 

[Kezzle1]

This made me smile

 

[Tell.A.Tale]

I’m happily single AND having a baby on my own (by choice). I get a LOT of pity even though this was an active decision and was the result of some clever doctors not a one night stand.

So many people feel sorry for me and I literally look at them and laugh to myself because my god they really don’t sell the married with kids thing to me. Most of them hate each other. Yeah - I’ll raise a child on my own so financially I’ll struggle in comparison but in terms of general well being and happiness I am certain I’ll be better off doing it solo.
No one to resent for not pulling their weight.
No one I have to consult on decisions.
No one I have pretend to be interested in what happened during their day.
No one I have to shave my legs for.
No one else to consider but myself and my child
No one I want to kill for breathing too loudly next to me.
No one else’s washing or skid marks to deal with.
Just me, the baby and the cat and it’s going to be bliss compared to 90% of marriages I see these days.

 

[petitspois]

The first day to day things that I don't miss that come to mind....

1. No putting up with a stinking toilet or drips or pee on the seat or floor
2. No big baby stuff when they are ill
3. No need to coo and nod when they talk, at considerable length, about their strava/bike/run/swim etc..
4. No need to feel like you should have sex when you're not 100% keen
5. Can suit yourself with meals, holidays and house decor
6. No need to deal with in laws
7. No need to feel obliged to tidy up after them and bear the mental load of organising them and their lives

 

[LaBlonde]

Christ, talk about projection.

They can fuck right off with wanting ‘reassurance’ - I hope the poor daughter never realises that she is a disappointment to her mother for being *gasp* SINGLE at *shock horror* 31. And look how her mother just dismisses all her achievements.

View attachment 3979073

great career, own flat, wonderful group of friends…. and yet her own mother feels “so sad” for her because she hasn’t hit some stupid heteronormative box and got a man in her life.

it will always make me so mad that no matter what women achieve, our lives are always seen as sad and lonely if we’re single.

 

[EvilJigglypuff]

I arranged a date tonight, first one in a long time. He stood me up waited in the cold for an hour. I really am better off by myself

 

[margaretta]

A shout out to anyone in this thread who is spending Christmas alone.

It may feel like the perfect day, no rows or arguments, no one fighting over whats on tv. There’s no criticism, you can eat as much food as you want and spend the whole day eating all your favourite chocolates, but it can still be a struggle.

Merry Christmas and much love to you all.