Single by Choice

[LaBlonde]

oh wow thank you for this thread! i feel seen!

i’ve gradually come to terms with the fact that i have a complicated relationship with sex and intimacy - i’m almost certainly on the ace spectrum though i identify heavily as demisexual i suppose.

i don’t like people in my space (even if close friends stay with me for a night or two i’m ready for them to leave) and need alone time: i think i just work best single, when my time is my own and i can focus on what makes me happy. this does sometimes collide with general loneliness but i don’t know if i actually feel it or if i feel like i SHOULD feel it, if that makes sense.

 

[Olgivy]

I’ve discovered a new joy, or I am officially getting old.

Gardening.

Who knew it could be so fun? Lately I seem to be thrilled at the idea of picking my plants for my hanging baskets. Hot pink petunias! And painting my terracotta pots for my rhododendrons. I am even considering getting a straw hat, because we are going all in with the “wild times” over here. Boring bastard. But seriously, the peace I have not dealing with men anymore, is unlike anything I could have predicted. It’s like my bandwidth has expanded, there are seemingly more hours in the day, and I’m much more creative.

It’s interesting, because I offered to cut the next door neighbours lawn last weekend, and while I was edging (not that kind) I could hear the two of em’ arguing. And all I could think was “that used to be me” sat inside in my pyjamas at midday, arguing with some twat who was committed to misunderstanding me. Felt weird to be on the other side, because Lord knows my old neighbours must have heard an f bomb or two. It was all such a waste of time. At one point, I heard her say “oh go on then. walk off like you usually do” And I thought to myself, “they just lose respect for you once you live with them.” It’s that complacency, and casual indifference about my feelings that I don’t want to experience ever again. Or explaining emotional intelligence to a grown adult. It sucked the life out of me. Will I be in a relationship again? Never say never. But the likelihood is that I won’t be. My standards are not of this world, and it’s ongoing, the peace I’m making with that.

 

[Eyesopened]

I’m 62 and been single since I was 40. Married v young - under 18, split at 32 when he got someone else pregnant, diagnosed breast cancer, put me first, dated a lot! Had a good two year relationship but we were at different points in our lives, he was 10 years younger. Got another diagnosis with mastectomy- really lost confidence, built a wall to stop any rejection ( childhood trauma stuff)

Found after a few years I actually liked and grew to love my own company.

Going through another diagnosis but not once have I thought it would be easier to be in a couple.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I am single and enjoy it. That’s not to say if I met someone I wouldn’t be interested. But I don’t actively pursue dating / apps or whatever. So, chances of meeting someone are slim! But one thing I hate about being single is the assumption that you are somehow less complete. Less settled. Less stable! It’s infuriating …… I own a house, car by myself - and have a steady, good job. And yet, I’m deemed less settled than others because of my relationship status. It’s unfair.

 

[petitspois]

I know of a few couples who have lasted and seem to genuinely have a great relationship. That must be a lovely feeling - having a partner in life - but, in my opinion, that's extremely unusual. I just don't think women get much out of living with a man these days. So many of them expect to be mothered and looked after without pulling their weight that many women are thinking twice. The financial support of a man isn't needed as much so why live with a sweaty man child who leaves drips of pee on the floor and expects sex and affection when he's done absolutely sod all?

I really can't see me ever living with a man again. I've been single for so long I'm quite happy on my own.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I've had a terrible day being single. Nice lie in. Macdonald breakfast delivered. Made scones. Feet up watching a black & white Miss Marple film. Did quite a bit of housework yesterday so fairly organised. It's all ok today I'm good friends with someone (not happily married) and she tells me I'm the only self supporting woman she knows! I don't know if I should be happy or running to the freak hospital.

 

[RainbowFuzz]

I'm 45 and have been single for 15 years. At first I was healing from being in a 6 year relationship that was full of cheating (on his part) but now I just simply can't be bothered! I'm perfectly happy on my own, in the 15 single years I have bought my own flat, had 3 promotions at work and have travelled further and more often than I would have done before. So why can't other people see that? Why do others feel like they either have a right to know every detail about my lovel life (or lack of) and why when I say I'm happy alone do they then feel the need to assume that I must be a lesbian as I travel with my best friend? Honestly, it's exhauting sometimes!

 

[al255]

Decided to break up with my boyfriend last night. I don’t want to have to think about someone else’s happiness, he was getting annoyed I wouldn’t see him quite a lot during the week cos I’ve got my child and I’m busy with life/work/ my house/ my child.. I want time on my own. He was slightly controlling and made me feel guilty for spending time with my daughter just me and her. He expected to be invited everywhere with us. It got too much for me and I am done. I do not want to be in a relationship, I don’t have the time for one either and I don’t want to have to think am I making someone else happy when my priority is my daugher, my work and my own life BYE men x

 

[shadowcat5]

I’ve not processed codependency and fortunately have no interest in relationships, but would want to be secure in myself before ever getting in one again. I also wouldn’t want to live with someone. I had two long-term, unhealthy relationships that I wasted my youth on because I thought it was worth putting up with so I had someone there, even though it felt lonelier.

When I hear stories about “keeping the spark alive” and women doing the bulk of household chores etc. it makes me recoil. No interest in kissing any more

Oh can we talk about this?! I’m sorry to say but the amount of times I read rants from married women about their husbands who don’t do anything and I think “you married them?”
I think one of my issues about relationships is getting with someone and finding out they are completely incompetent and I have to be their second mother. I couldn’t do it.

 

[pinkmug]

Sometimes I wish I was a different kind of person who thrived in a relationship and felt the rewards of sharing a life with someone in a home. I think life would be easier financially and socially, if I could feel happy with a partner. And despite all this, the thought of coming home to the sort of marriages I see in my friends' lives scares the shit out of me.

I'm sure they are happy so I keep my thoughts to myself but fucking hell, I hope I never become the kind of person who looks at herself and wonders "who she used to be before him" as soon as her husband leaves the country for a work trip. Verbatim, quoted from her text, with a laughing emoji.

I felt so embarrassed on her behalf, a woman in her 30s who has a full time job, hobbies, interests and intellect. Wondering what to do with herself now that the guy is away for just 10 days. They couldn't waterboard that shit out of me but she must have thought it sounded cute and quirky, maybe romantic. Mega cringe.

 

[blockbaby0]

Single women are the happiest women. It is only society and the media that tells us in order for us to be happy we have to aspire to marriage and chidren, and that if we work, we aren't truly happy as we secretly want to be at home raising children and being homemakers. No.

Dead and gone is the 1950s housewife with nothing else to do but raise children and be a maid to her husband. Live your life ladies. I am single for 6 months now and never been happier.

Slimmer, clearer headspace, focus on ME, more money the list goes on. I'm 26 and childless, I don't want children. My next step is move back abroad and see where my feet take me

 

[qqwertyy]

You know those emails from businesses offering to mute Mother’s/Father’s Day content in case it’s upsetting? Can someone please do that for Valentine’s Day because I could not give less of a fuck.

 

[petitspois]

I honestly think the traditional set up of a heterosexual couple living together for 50 plus years is on the way out. Great if you genuinely get on but so many don't. I think women are waking up and realising that they don't need to be life managers for mediocre men, doing most of the housework, house management and child rearing.

I was with a friend last week and a single school Dad was talking to his mate on the next table and I heard him say he'd love a girlfriend. The reasons weren't for her company or anything like that, he said he could do with someone to get him organised at home and it's true, what do men like that get out of relationships? someone to cook, clean and 'run the house', be a stepmum, contribute to his bills and have sex with him but what on earth is in it for the woman?

 

[shadowcat5]

I am so happy that we can talk on this thread. I always felt so alone being single because I was always surrounded by people who needed to be in relationships. I think it’s worse for women. It feels like society tells women that we’re not complete or we’re unworthy when we’re not in relationships. I believe that’s where the pressure comes from. I have never been in a relationship and always been happy which felt like it was against the grain

 

[aidil]

I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE.

It's like reading my own thoughts going through all your posts. I've been happily single for a few years now after my frankly slaggy 20's and I honestly struggle to picture myself in a relationship now. I love having my own apartment, a busy life full of friends and a career I can invest as much time in as I like without someone at home complaining about my absence.

So many of my friends just don't seem to understand my choice and you can see they almost feel sorry for me and think I must be lonely. I'm anything but! I love my own company, I can't imagine living with a man now and not having any time to myself to unwind.

I've never been able to understand women who need a man by their side to feel complete. I've had so many friends that have come out of long term relationships only to jump right back into another within weeks because they can't be alone. One of my close friends is recently single after her husband left her and their one year old son for a woman at work. AND SHE STILL SAYS SHE MISSES HIM?! I have another friend who's been with her husband since they were in school and she has zero idea how to pay bills, what a mortgage is, how to fix a car etc, because her husband does it all. I feel so sorry for them. Imagine putting yourself in a position where you wouldn't be able to survive without a man!

Anyway, it's very reassuring to see so many other women in the same boat as me. Girl power and all that!

 

[petitspois]

The posts and comments from women (some in relationships and some single) who say things like ‘valentines day can be tough, you ARE enough and it’s just a day!’ It’s not tough at all, it’s just marketing. Women who genuinely believe they don’t centre men, while actually centering men do my head in.

Single and proud!

 

[peachesandcreamz]

HELLO FRIENDS! Come over from Childfree by Choice and sooooo very excited to have found this thread, even if it's currently snoozing a little

I am single by choice and childless by choice! Live alone and love every minute of it. Over lockdown I was constantly met with gasps and concern when people learned I was isolating alone, and I always made sure to let them know how happy I was doing so Watch what I like, when I like, make fun foods with no one else weighing in on what's for dinner, sleep as long as I like, pleasure myself......well, whenever I like and also successfully every time A lot more than I can say for past partners! And then seeing comments in the work Teams chat about how people are "ready to strangle" their partners / kids that they're isolating with....YOU CHOSE THEM! You chose to get into a relationship, you chose to move in, you chose to procreate - why is so funny to talk about not being able to stand your spouse? So bizarre to me!

I'm also constantly asked by...usually older men who I don't know, weirdly, "Why are you single?!??!". I believe it's meant as a pity compliment as in "How could you POSSIBLY be single because you're so pretty!!". I always say - because I haven't found anyone good enough yet! Usually leaves them a bit bemused because they don't expect me to be so confident in myself lol!

Gosh SOOOO many things I could say, but overall just happy this thread exists

 

[OmgObsessed]

Another friend has been seeing someone for a few months and while I've met him and he seems nice enough, he's so wishy-washy and won't say they're girlfriend and boyfriend even though they are?

I don't understand why this is now a thing. I honestly am to the point I'm off birth control and have no intentions of having sex again. Men act like they have the upper hand when really they don't. They usually eat like slobs, don't clean themselves, and act like children. I wish other women would stop worshipping them. Maybe then they would get off their asses. We aren't their mom.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Well!

 

[qqwertyy]

I have friends who have never left our home town, same job for 15+ years, not been to uni, never lived alone never mind travelled alone. No real hobbies outside of being a mum or wife.

Yet they’re considered much more successful than me, more valuable, more to say, more of an adult because they’re married with 2.4 kids and a house in a suburbs.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things if that’s what makes you happy, but i get so frustrated that society has such a narrow view of this weird ladder we’re all supposed to climb.