Single by Choice

[TheLearningChannel]

I love coming back to this thread. I'm an older woman and my marriage broke up some years ago, been single ever since.
I cannot imagine ever living with a man again. Before my marriage ended, dealing with my husband was like having another child: he literally expected me to pick up after him, look after his life, praise him continually and give him declarations of love and sex when he wanted. Why wasn't i changing my surname to his?? This was the least of his antics. But somehow I'm to be pitied.
If I'm not pitied, I'm to blame somehow. I've come across women who say well, you knew what he was like when you married him etc, you put up with poor behaviour from the start. He wasn't like this at the start. He completely did a whole 360 over the course of our marriage.
I remember years ago I was meeting a friend in a pub and a hen party walked in. One of the women explained that one of the party couldn't make it as her marriage had just broken up and she was too upset. All of the group expressed sympathy and then exclaimed that they were so lucky, that this would never happen to them. Wonder how that held up.
I see contemporaries in relationships with sub-standard men and just accepting and forgiving arse behaviour all the time. Going on dating apps and George 55 is looking for a woman (max 35), not interested in chubby birds or drama and still figuring out what he wants from dating.
(Anyone else feel that this "dating" and "are we exclusive" is just a way for men to feck around?).
Fuck.
That.
Shit.

 

[OmgObsessed]

Another friend has been seeing someone for a few months and while I've met him and he seems nice enough, he's so wishy-washy and won't say they're girlfriend and boyfriend even though they are?

I don't understand why this is now a thing. I honestly am to the point I'm off birth control and have no intentions of having sex again. Men act like they have the upper hand when really they don't. They usually eat like slobs, don't clean themselves, and act like children. I wish other women would stop worshipping them. Maybe then they would get off their asses. We aren't their mom.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Well!

 

[qqwertyy]

I have friends who have never left our home town, same job for 15+ years, not been to uni, never lived alone never mind travelled alone. No real hobbies outside of being a mum or wife.

Yet they’re considered much more successful than me, more valuable, more to say, more of an adult because they’re married with 2.4 kids and a house in a suburbs.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things if that’s what makes you happy, but i get so frustrated that society has such a narrow view of this weird ladder we’re all supposed to climb.

 

[EvilJigglypuff]

I’ve been single by choice for about 3 and a half years, I’ve had a lot of healing to do after a long term abusive relationship combined with every other boyfriend I’ve ever had cheating on me.

I have been back on a couple of dating apps again recently but mostly find myself just recoiling with the absolute ick that men give me now. There’s no one out there that much appeals to me

 

[Olgivy]

Another internal dialogue coming up…

I love how peaceful and focused my life is, now that I’m no longer centering men. All of a sudden those 24 hours in a day seem like 48 hours. This bitch is getting shit done. I’m putting all of my energy into my studies and business plans, and I’m getting a lot of POSITIVE RESULTS. There is a lesson for me there. The amount of energy and blind faith I used to put into what a man “said”….which led to disappointment 100% of the time, is eye watering. I’ll never do that again. I can’t get that time back, but I can take back control. We don’t need to keep accepting bad behaviour over and over and over again, just because we “want to be loved.” Also, I’m noticing lately that I can’t really tolerate conversations, where the focus is on “getting a man.” I guess that is because I’ve changed, and I’ve grown as a woman. I’m becoming the woman I was always meant to be, and that fills me with so much joy, which is more than any man has ever provided me.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I prefer to be single. I've been married & lived with a couple of guys but I tend to find people who recreate my anxious childhood and I no longer want that! I've had a few flings, relationships from 6 months to 8 years but I'm more stable alone. I also need practically 90% alone time, so it's best I keep this way.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

oh god no. The pee on the seat, the smells, the mess, the sheer amount of food they eat. No chance.

The way they smell in the morning the musk from under the duvet, their breath... and majority of them don't even wash their hands regularly let alone their arseholes! you know how many men are out there wondering around with shitty arseholes that haven't been washed since they were 6?!

anyway...

 

[Nurseali]

Hello
I am in my forties , been divorced twice, single two years and can't see me ever changing my mind on that.
I attract narcissistic men who like to change me. I just don't trust my judgement with men so have decided it's easier to be single.
I love the mental freedom too much. I just have to think about my kids and myself.
I struggled at first with this as spending years being told I was basically crap was a lot to undo.
I would say the last six months I have grown to like myself again, enjoy my own company, relish being selfish.
I can't and won't give this up. I get love from many sources , don't need it from romantic love.
So glad I found this post.

 

[sleepflowers]

Does anyone else have any single friends who can't seem to function without male attention and find it hard to deal with them? I have a few recently single friends and they've all jumped straight on the apps and spend hours talking to any and every man they find, I have no idea how they do it and it's very hard to not judge them for being so lost without men talking to them...

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Happy Valentine’s Day, singles!

I’m on a solo holiday and having the BEST time! I fly home tomorrow, sob. But I’ve had such a fun day, just doing all the activities I want to do, a really perfect day filled with love and gratitude for my body in particular — it enabled me to walk 30 thousand steps today and still feel good and strong as I wind down for bed.

 

[peachesandcreamz]

a friend of mine wanted to do this when we were in chicago! i was like: girl, i’m here to see the sights, eat some great food and do some amazing shopping, not trawl through chicago tinder to see if a random american dude might be prepared to buy me a drink wtf?!

the thought would literally never cross my mind on holiday tbh.

I went on a trip to NYC last month and many of my colleagues were horrified to hear I was going ALONE Who would I spend time with, eat at restaurants with, travel with? ME! I love my own company, and I got to do what I wanted, when I wanted! I tried lobster for the first time, went to some of the same shops multiple times (without annoying anyone else), got lots of uninterrupted sleep.

I also made great friends with a couple of fellow solo travellers at the airport when we found out our flight was delayed by 14 hours!! We spent time chatting and eating together, and it's something I certainly wouldn't have done if I was travelling with someone else. Being single doesn't mean you are lonely or can't have a good time

 

[peachesandcreamz]

It's surprising how often I have nightmares (yes, nightmares!!) where I am in a relationship and DESPERATE to escape. Not because it's a horrible person (it's usually a non-descript faceless individual), but I just can't stand the idea of being "tied" to someone. I'm sure many people outside of this thread would call it commitment issues, but it's just simply a love of freedom. I can do what I want, who I want, when I want (perks of the childfree life as well as the single life!).

As Christmas is looming I don't have to think about how to split my time between my family/partner/my partner's family. I don't have to think about gifts for all of these different parties, the mental energy required to find thoughtful gifts as well as the financial burden of that. I don't need to maintain a specific "grooming" ritual outside of how I choose to upkeep myself. Sure, when I am "in the mood" I do crave physical intimacy very briefly, but this is quickly quelled by some Love Honey products and the reminder that no one else dictates when I need to "perform". I have all my social needs filled by friends and family, I love my own company. I get to put up my own lovely Christmas decs in my own lovely warm home. However I leave it in the morning is exactly how it looks come 6pm. Whilst it wouldn't be too painful to have a dual income household, I MUCH prefer footing the bills single handedly. And with my free time (and free will), I can pick up extra hours at work, or do some food delivery part time work as and when I choose for some extra cash.

To put it simply - I can't imagine why I would want to change any of that!

 

[Olgivy]

Happy Valentine’s Day, singles!
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I’m on a solo holiday and having the BEST time! I fly home tomorrow, sob. But I’ve had such a fun day, just doing all the activities I want to do, a really perfect day filled with love and gratitude for my body in particular — it enabled me to walk 30 thousand steps today and still feel good and strong as I wind down for bed.

Glad you are having a wonderful time on holiday. Solo holidays are next on my list. And 30K steps? That puts my 12K today to shame.

I have had a lovely day of solitude, and I am currently eating chocolate in bed and watching Netflix. I do not envy women who are in relationships at all. The thought of having a mediocre man siphoning off my energy (emotional, physical, sexual etc) for his personal gain actually makes me recoil at this point.

Dating apps? I will not degrade myself by setting up a profile ever again. The type of man I would allow into my life is rare. He would be a unicorn. He would also have to be actively examining his patriarchal biases and white supremacist attitudes—they go hand in hand. If he has no interest in doing this, then he is NOT safe to be in a romantic relationship with. I also have no interest in splitting bills with a man. If he wants me, he pays for everything or he finds someone else. How likely is it, that this man will land on my doorstep? Because I sure as hell won’t search for him. Most men think personal development is going to the gym. Most men think that by giving you a few cheap compliments, and telling you that they would never do this or never do that is enough to win you over. Most men want a LOT of access to you, quickly, without having to earn you. And a lot of women are happy to oblige (I used to be one of them).

But I’ve evolved. I don’t give my energy to any man anymore. I don’t even smile at them in the street—we all know they see that as a green light. I keep my gaze straight ahead and keep it moving. What I have to offer—my heart, mind and body is sacred, and I will not give it away for nothing. My philosophy is working really well for me, because my life is getting better and better for it. It’s OK to realise your standards are not of this world, and you ain’t for the streets anymore. You will get pushback from people, mainly from other women, because being this way shines a light on their choices. They want to believe in the fairytale, that a man will complete them. They willingly wound themselves, over and over again and want you to do the same. Because without the delusion, what do they have?

I don’t miss sex. Affection or any of that. I don’t get lonely, I’m too busy creating a life I love. Why long for something out of your control? That will definitely cause loneliness. I came into this world as a solitary soul, and will leave this world as a solitary soul. Everything I need is within me.

Solitude has given me a renewed sense of personal strength, and creativity. Joy feels easier to achieve. Self acceptance is easier, when you are not constantly worried about whether you are physically attractive to a man. Everything is just easier alone.

The value I place on myself, means that I’m not sure I’ll ever share my body with a man again. And I’m only in my thirties. Do I worry about dying alone? I worry about dying having never lived for myself. I have an aggressive investing plan, to ensure that I can be well taken care of in sickness and old age. Most men leave their wives when they get sick anyway.

In true Olgivy fashion, this is turning into a dissertation. Sending love to all of you on this day. May your heart be full of wonder and hope for your future, and may you all find your inner “wild woman” and be happy. She is waiting for you. Happy Valentines Day. 🩷

 

[Zenchick101]

How are we all feeling the day before valentines day?

sleeping like a baby because no one's cheating on me, or body shaming me, less stress because I'm not pushing someone to reluctantly celebrate it with me

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I don't get out much, don't have masses of friends (have some and family) don't like travelling far, but I still 99% love and value my lot in life. I'm happiest pottering around at home, musing on life, taking care of me and my sewing hobby. It's been a long battle to not follow the herd belief that you are half a person being single. Nope ...you were born single and go out single. All in all I'd say it's a little bit of personal Paradise & definitely a state of mind.

 

[margaretta]

love this thread

Mostly single by choice as I’ve spent a lifetime in unrequited love. I’ve yet to fall for someone who was available to love me back. And then it takes me years to get over them.

Never even gone on holiday with a partner or had many dates.

But in recent years I stopped trying to date and I am far happier in myself.

Of course I have ‘what if’ moments, I don’t like to call them regrets, and the days in between Christmas and New Year’s Day can be difficult, but I tend to overfill my diary so I am pleased of the downtime.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Thank you for starting the thread @shadowcat5

It’s really interesting to see people‘s different reasons for choosing to be single. The main reason for me is because I have mental health problems at the moment, so it’s the last thing on my mind. I don’t think that other people with mental health problems shouldn’t be in relationships, it’s just how I see it for myself.

 

[freddofrog]

I feel so seen on this thread! I worry when i say these things to other people they just think im bitter but I genuinely recoil at the thought of any man touching me and from what i’ve experienced and seen from other relationships, there’s no desire in me to put myself through the bs ever again.

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

I can’t imagine being this narrow minded. To say we ALL need a partner because HE desperately wants one. I don’t understand this mindset at all.

Men do badly when single but women are happier and live longer. But then most of us can watch tv without needing someone to bore with our ‘commentary’