WARNING: DISCUSSION OF ED AND MENTAL HEALTH (I don’t know how to make a spoiler tag…)
So I’ve been thinking of posting something on this thread for a while… I’ve been aware of Ruby and her videos since I did my GCSEs in 2018, and have *loved* all of your messages on these forums since I discovered Tattle in 2020 during the pandemic. To preface this, I am just a simple 20 (nearly 21! Wooo) year old girl and I take full responsibility if this is a bit too much…
Ruby, in some ways, reminds me of myself. Not completely, but in some ways, which makes it easier to both internally criticise her and have some sympathy.
I’ve been a massive perfectionist my entire life. Probably driven through a very weird childhood, but other factors made it worse. I started reading long children’s books when I was 6 ish, making the fact I could read all of the 5th Harry Potter book within a few hours one of my personality traits. I had very few friends, but I didn’t mind too much as I had a superiority complex and thought myself as ”better” and not like other girls for most of my childhood. As a young girl, my whole world was reading and reading, and reading and reading. And once I hit about 9 ish, just after moving to another country it moved to “facts”. Since everyone told me how “incredibly smart” (UGH I hate past me) I was, I just pushed into this mindset completely. My parents said I couldn’t talk about a single thing other than “fun facts” and I was obsessed with getting full marks on every test. It was only made worse by living in a country that placed a big importance on school performance from around that age, as scholarships are one of the only ways to afford university for most people (and uni is needed to have a comfortable life).
But we moved house and moved to the UK, and I gained *some self awareness*. I still didn’t accept anything less than perfect marks in my test, and my intelligence was my greatest asset. Most people in the year thought I was weird and either teased me, or just didn’t put up with how “holier than thou” I acted. Which is fair enough! I was insufferable. But I too, just like Ruby presumably, took it as “bullying”.
I finished my GCSEs, with my two grade 6s really impacting my confidence, but I pushed on. And then A-Levels were cancelled by the pandemic and suddenly I was at university. BSc (Hans) 1st Class Economics graduate with 5,000,000 grad scheme offers here I come!
Now, I’ve always suffered with mental health issues. Most of being a teenager I was very skinny, and this obviously was a great source of pride at the time, as I really did base my “value” on everyone else’s opinions. My mood was all over the place and I could be a massive bitch to my family.
But coming to university, oh my God. Nothing was as hard as uni for me. I’ve lived in 3 continents, been in 12 schools, all of my family either have chronic illnesses or some kind of severe mental health problem. But nothing was as hard as uni. Slowly I gained weight, my marks were no longer perfect and I’ll probably be graduating with a 2.1 at best this July.
But I’ve grown up a lot. It took a lot of self reflecting, but I’m finally growing and realising my self worth IS NOT my grades. Or my weight. How little I eat. How smart I sound. How fucking successful I am. I don’t have a single job offer, I’m just going to live at home (bless my parents for letting me move back, I am so lucky for that tbh) and save money and hopefully do a Masters. I’ve even fallen back in love with economics after despising everything about the subject thanks to my fragile self worth.
And in this, I see Ruby. I can see her behaviours in mine. I’m a massive mess, but I felt the need my entire life to appear perfect online and to others (whether it’s true or me just bullshitting to them). Whether its lying about reading xyzzy amount of books in her case, or taking my BeReal with uni work and complaining about the intensity when I didn’t even have the energy to read a word of a powerpoint in my case. Posting her tiny meals, or me posting only super healthy and perfect looking meals I’ve cooked. Ruby feeling so distraught about a slightly lower than her unattainable (and unrealistic…. I’ve read her book) grade expectations, or me feeling like a failure with A*AA not 3A*s.
The issue is though, I grew up a bit. I’ve self reflected. I’ve gained self awareness and I am SO embarrassed by who I was. How catty I was to my brothers all because they don’t force perfection onto themselves and are happy. Never accepting a single criticism without being excessively defensive because my whole worth/value feels attacked.
Ruby… Doesn’t seem like she has. I don’t think she’ll be happy at Oxford. Whether she achieves what she sets out to or not, It’s just another opportunity to set herself targets above what she’s capable and feel shit inside again. The way she reacted to her dissertation mark exemplifies her top standards perfectly. And you can’t be so fragile if you want to achieve the best, you need to be able to accept critique and work on yourself.
I once dreamed of Oxford. And a small part of me would love the prestige of messaging my family abroad about it, seeming the perfect daughter and granddaughter, oh so impressive. But it wouldn’t be good for me. I also just can’t afford it lol. I wish she’d realise how privileged she is but that’s another tall order…. I at least had working full time during uni to afford to live to help humble myself.
And finally, I’m not one to diagnose. Nor is it appropriate for me to do so. But I’ve recently been diagnosed with ASD. And honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if I relate to Ruby in ways because of this too.
Sorry for the massive ramble and I apologise if I’ve crossed some unspoken lines, but I wanted to share my thoughts
Also I may delete this in a few days or so, just realised my username doxxes me a bit and I don't have an invite code to make a new account - anyone know how to change a username???