Relationship Issues - HELP 😞

[Shesaidwhat?]

I’m going to speak to him later after I’ve put babies to bed. It isn’t just a quick five minute decision of “right that’s it he won’t give me what I want. I’m looking elsewhere.” Its absolutely not the case.

I have tried my absolute hardest to keep the family unit single handed. I didn’t want to look like a failure or be judged. He is not interested, he clearly couldn’t give a toss about me or them. He isn’t upfront and honest. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to no avail.

Video calls he can’t wait to end, phone calls it’s all pure sarcasm. Okay somethings got to give.
My children are and always will be my number one priority. I’ve tried days out, he makes excuses or doesn’t turn up. I’ve suggested Wetherspoons and stood up.

I am too caring. I give too many chances. I’m the lowest of the low, because what ever I do try or attempt, it’s never good enough.

I put my hands up, thats it. I’m out.

I know you don’t know us but we’re all here for you lovely

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Let him take you to court, he probably wouldn’t turn up if the past 18 months are anything to go by and any false allegations can easily be resolved.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

All our mutual friends side with him.

They side with a grown man who’s cheated and is hiding in his mum’s box room rather than being a father and won’t even put up a fight to save his relationship with his partner? Sounds like your partner isn’t they only one you should be getting rid of.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Not sure what’s changed, he’s gained a little weight and calls himself fat and I’m lost a little weight but still remain curvy. I’ll never be skinny, unfortunately.
I try to initiate it, hotel rooms, takeaways at home and then going upstairs, but there isn’t a spark. I’ve tried but the response I get is “yes babe.”

yeah I found out in 2009 via good old Facebook.

Something has happened to have caused this shift. It’s been 4 years. Something happened 4 years ago. does he or has he suffered from depression? Erectile Dysfunction? Could he have been the victim of a sexual assault (not as rare or as far fetched as it may sound unfortunately)
is there any kind of intimacy between you at all? Do you kiss/cuddle/enjoy any kind of sexual activity?


I think you are at the point now where you are going to have to be brutally honest with him and tell him that you love him but that you cannot live like this anymore - he needs to get professional help for whatever issue is going on. What does he say about it? If you ask him right now what’s going on, what does he say?

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I don’t know why he’s avoiding me. I’m broken xx

My friend has said he would happily come round tomorrow fuck I said don’t. Wouldn’t be able to control myself. Friends with benefits would be frowned upon.

I maybe shouldn’t be encouraging you but nobody else needs to know what you both get up to, if it’s what you both want it’s no one else’s business.

 

[chlophia2505]

You’re in a controlling relationship (except it’s not a relationship). But I don’t think you’ve realised yet. He’s keeping you hostage as a paid carer for his children, whilst living his own life however he likes. Speak to some women’s abuse charities, I think you’ve become very manipulated, but in a very slow and subtle way that you’re passive to the situation. I think you need some professional help to dissect and reflect objectively to the situation you find yourself in. Do not get involved with the suicidal man, he just sounds like another manipulator who wants to use you.

Nail on the head! Women’s abuse charities will help so much. XX

Please please listen to all this great advice. From what I’ve read he is a narcissistic piece of shit so PLEASE do not contact him. No contact is the only way you’ll get free of this.

 

[Raininvain]

It doesn’t sound like there is a relationship at all on his part. He won’t change.
End it, be thankful for your kids and find someone that’s worth it.

This 100% and look for a man who wants to be with you in all aspects. Life is too short. You are wasting your time with him.

 

[lisa94xo]

They don’t speak to him. They no longer ask for him, he has let them down far too many times.

but I’ve tried so many times before.

So why are you still in a relationship with this man, who continually lets your children down? That's also teaching them that you care about him more than how badly he treats them. I don't understand how you can love someone who doesn't care about the children you share together - and I'm sure your children will carry this with them too.

 

[newtoyou]

This guy is honestly ridiculous, I don’t even have words. He cheated, he threatened to stop child maintenance…he moved out 4 years ago and barely sees his kids…

OP text him that it’s over and go fuck that other guy. Fuck him twice if you have to

Tbh I agree. You’ve told him you want someone else and he’s done nothing to show you he’s willing to fight for you other than say “no don’t do it” (did you tell him you’ve had phone sex with the other guy?).

 

[HankMcPrank]

Are the malicious allegations you're talking about posts on here? If so I dont see anything malicious.

Also if you don't want anything to be brought against you I would say don't post about it on such a public forum and seek help and advice from other areas...

the malicious allegations he has made against me, sorry.

It makes me worry the kids aren’t being put first.

my children are always put first.


thanks for making me feel like a failure.

If my children weren’t put first why do I work around them to make sure I give them a lovely childhood.


If they were low priority why do they have new clothing and shoes when needed and I leave myself last, I have a pair of shoes with the soles hanging off and a pair of boots. The shoes I’ve applied gorilla glue because I am on a very tight budget and I don’t allow them to go without. I don’t use credit as I cannot afford it back.

if I don’t put them first. Why do I make sure they always have food and are clean, showered and some days I have missed breakfast or dinner to make sure they have enough to eat until we have our online food order delivered.

If they are low priority why do I work around them and give them as much time as absolutely possible? Why do they have a lovely family that would do anything for them?

if they were not thought of, why did I move house to give them a bigger garden and security?

Tell me, if they are not put first why did I seek advice in the first place.

if I don’t put them first unfortunately no I cannot afford Disney land Paris #badmumalert why do I try my absolute best with days out such as bowling, mini golf, parks, ice cream... why do I do my best with UK holidays just to give them a vacation?

I would like to thank @BettyCrockerr for your help and advice, as others in terms of child maintenance which is a long process as well as Citizens Advice.

I would take his assertion that he has instructed a solicitor with a pinch of salt. If he isn't working then he probably does not have a lot of money. Legal aid for family law matters is very limited (I don't want to give the wrong advice so I won't say when and when it is not available). Anyway, my point is that I think he is lying about getting a solicitor. Notwithstanding the financial issues, it does take a few days to call around firms and get an appointment.

I am a solicitor so I can be pretty confident of what I have told you.

Thank you very much.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

I’ve just sent a message saying my sex drive is very high I need to do something and his response “get your vibrator sort yourself out.”
Lovely.

You deserve so much better than what he’s giving you in every aspect of the relationship.

 

[lisa94xo]

he doesn’t want to see them. Feel free to think what you like, everybody will have an opinion. But him choosing not to see his children. Is that my fault?

I am only human. I still care, he gave me children. Children that I am bring up single handed. That wasn’t by choice. Whenmy youngest was born he started to break away and finally when he was 2.5 years HE chose to move out. I didn’t tell him.

That's not your fault at all. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But by still letting him have power over you, you are teaching your children that this sort of behaviour is OK. It's not. You're teaching your children that love is putting up with being unappreciated, unsupported, threatened... It's not fair on them. When you're a parent, it isn't all about you anymore. Your children look to you for guidance; as a role model. You're not helping them by continuing on with this, whatever it is.

 

[Bubblegumblades]

I just want to echo back to a previous poster who mentioned him being abusive. He moved out and made it your fault, and made you believe it (I'm sure there are many partners who have stayed with their hormonal partners.)

He is withholding sex and affection giving you no reason but stringing you along. My ex did that, although from the start and due to religious reasons, stringing me along, getting heated up and then pulling away. He would blame random things like being hard on himself etc, but never more. At points he would stop things like holding hands and kissing and say sex was off the cards for good. This guy is being callous to your feelings, get a vibrator and sort yourself out, ffs that's just trivialising your worries, but also making it clear you're not ever going to get what you need from him.

Your children's father has also threatened to withold child payments if you leave, again this is blackmail and a controlling tactic...mine used to threaten not to take his medication and die.

These mutual friends, have you heard them say it or has he just told you what they said? Mine used to tell me all these people were against me and talked shit about me. If you heard them side with him, how do you know he hasn't poisoned the well? My ex told lies about me to his parents and they thought I was a mess.

Leave him and don't loom back. You could easily do no contact as he doesn't give a fuck about the kids. I do Wonder if he suddenly decided to become father of the year and use them to further emotionally manipulate you.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Thanks all - you are all echoing my thoughts. He’s at work today no doubt he will call me later will tell him I will call him tomorrow xx

 

[HankMcPrank]

He’s nasty bit of scum.

 

[Giggling Squid]

I’ve been reading since you posted, and my thoughts have changed as you’ve shared more.

I think firstly,it sounds like whatever he says he checked out of your relationship a long time ago.

I also think that getting involved, in any way, with someone who’s in a fragile mental state is absolutely not what you need to be doing right now, however desperate you are for sex…

I think you need to take some time out - from both of them- and work out how your relationship, even if just financial, will be with your (soon to be?) ex.

I wonder if there’s something in what MRSgs has said, perhaps there’s more to it than just he doesn’t want to have sex with you.

Whatever you choose to do, I do hope it all works out for you and your kids

 

[HankMcPrank]

Hope you’re ok OP. Clearly what you described as initially about sex was actually something deeper that was going on. From what you’ve said, it seems you’ve been looking out for your kids for many years. I’m not personally going to judge you for wanting a night for yourself. But I guess that particular man might not be the best choice.

Agreed with everyone else, the whole solicitor thing seems like something designed to scare you. Just say “ok” and let him get on with it. If what you’ve said is accurate, he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

All the relationship advice threads seem to take a turn eventually. Might be better to take a step back.

thank you, I am stepping away for some time now.

 

[HankMcPrank]

I maybe shouldn’t be encouraging you but nobody else needs to know what you both get up to, if it’s what you both want it’s no one else’s business.

he’s calling me tonight again for phone sex and I can’t blinking weight truth be told. He is filthy and it drives me wild. That’s terrible for me to say but it’s the truth.

 

[Raininvain]

All I want is a happy future. Me and my children to have a wonderful life. No worries about money, (which is what we have) and to have sex three times a week if not more does that sound selfish? But overall, I don’t want the unknowing. The false promises.

I don’t know about the other girl. I think somethings going on, I convinced myself at one point. I didn’t sleep I didn’t eat.

Do you honestly think you are going to get this from your current partner? Dont be stringing yourself along here.x

 

[MRSgs]

he moved back to his mums 4 years ago.

He is very arrogant, stubborn and upfront. I’ve told him if he doesn’t wanna be with metell me and he said he’s happy. If I cheat he walks away.

I forgave him at the beginning but to be honest. It doesn’t look good for him does it?

Hi, hope you're okay,

Did you get together when you were quite young? Is he maybe having thoughts about his sexuality? No offence meant x