Relationship Issues - HELP 😞

[HankMcPrank]

If phone sex with someone he knows as well as I know is shameful, I will admit I’d stop. But I feel like crap, I no longer need protection so my hormones are all regulated. Everytime I mention sex he either says it’s too early, too late, it’s wrong or “okay let’s talk about something else” the guy I’ve been talking too, oh god I got off just by him talking to me. That’s bad.

 

[Kim Mild]

Thank you. It’s not just sex I wanted to show him I love him, 12 years and first love means a lot to me. But he’s not interested so it’s absolutely fine.

I think sometimes people love the idea of what someone can be, rather than the reality.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Unfortunately I think you need to take a step back and look at this situation objectively.

this isn’t a relationship. He’s left you and your children, he is providing nothing but some financial support for his kids which is the bare minimum he should be providing. That’s it. There doesn’t sound like there anything else going on between the two of you. Why on Earth hasn’t he seen you or your children in months?

Honestly? I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know. The only crap he feeds me is “I’ve put weight on I’m fat”

 

[HankMcPrank]

They side with a grown man who’s cheated and is hiding in his mum’s box room rather than being a father and won’t even put up a fight to save his relationship with his partner? Sounds like your partner isn’t they only one you should be getting rid of.

I don’t have many friends but the friends I do have, have my back.

 

[HankMcPrank]

You’re letting him have way too much power here. He had an affair, which you forgave, but if you do the same then he leaves? No sorry but that wouldn’t work for me. I’d tell him it’s over right now. Not a chance would I let a man have this much power over me.

To add if i did it all child maintenance would stop also. That’s his threat.

He already has walked away. He is giving you nothing in this “relationship” - nothing. He pays for his kids - which is his obligation as a parent. You are getting nothing else from him. And sorry but he cheated on you in the past so how dare he have such a double standard!

This isn’t a relationship. He has fathered children with you, that’s it. He isn’t even bothering his arse to be a father and actually take care of his children.

he sounds like an absolute arsehole.

No, he doesn’t ask how they are I have to tell him they’re okay. Or what they’ve been up to.

I really feel for you and I say this with kindness but this isn’t a relationship. He’s actively avoiding you and his children and his excuse is he’s put on weight? That is so messed up and I hope your kids don’t feel rejected by him. I really think you need to cut ties with him because it doesn’t seem like he is invested in this at all. Really hope you are ok x

Im okay thank you. Xx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

You’ve got to have no contact whatsoever with him unless HE is the one to contact you about the kids.

 

[HankMcPrank]

I don't want to be harsh but it sounds like you're getting nothing from the relationship. You're living as a single woman, bringing up your children alone. I don't think your new friend is the one for you as he clearly has his own issues but I don't think anyone could judge you for meeting someone else given the circumstances

thank you xx

He lives with his mum…….

Dude. Why are you with him? Genuine question?

because I love him he gave me children.

 

[HankMcPrank]

It’s not a wind up. My friend I’ve known for years, I offered support and to get a coffee meet up at the park. And it escalated from there (it wasn’t me by the way)

Are you in the UK? So the only thing your ‘partner’ is giving you is money. Are you sure this set-up is even fair? My concern is that your children’s Dad (I don’t actually think he’s your partner anymore…he just hasn’t had the decency to tell you) is/might be funding a mortgage that you are not named on, and you are just being paid as childcare. If he is living with his own mum (or pretending to) does this mean he can’t afford another property of his own whilst you live in ‘his?’ house? What if he has a completely different life and relationship with a women you are not aware of? Then when your children get to 18 he stops all maintenance money and kicks you out of your home? If you literally don’t see him, then his do you even know if the money he provides for your children is even fair, if you don’t know his salary? Do you have any joint finances? I really think the sex is the least of your worries.

No I am in private rental, he doesn’t contribute to the rent.

Seeing this other man isn’t the answer. Don’t do something just because you can, he’s depressed and suicidal. Do you want to get involved? Think about your kids ffs, it’s all about your need to have sex.

Instead of just wanting to shag your husband have you suggested you meet up as a family and go to the cinema or for food? Anything?

yes I have.
he isn’t interested.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Erm, just to add that the morning after pill is not meant to be used as protection (you seem to imply that your chosen method of protection is going to be the morning after pill?!) You do need to use a Condom. You could literally catch a life-changing STD with a man that you barely know in your first shag in four years. This whole situation sounds bizarre to me. With regard to your ‘partner’, don’t you have any mutual couple friends, what do they think of this strange set-up? How old are your children? What do they think of their Dad and his weird living choices? Do you work? Does he work? I just cannot picture how this has gone-on for so long and you’re only just realising that you’v been manipulated into this controlling set-up where you (and your children) are just ‘kept’

All our mutual friends side with him. I have one nearly teenager and two under 10

Erm, just to add that the morning after pill is not meant to be used as protection (you seem to imply that your chosen method of protection is going to be the morning after pill?!) You do need to use a Condom. You could literally catch a life-changing STD with a man that you barely know in your first shag in four years. This whole situation sounds bizarre to me. With regard to your ‘partner’, don’t you have any mutual couple friends, what do they think of this strange set-up? How old are your children? What do they think of their Dad and his weird living choices? Do you work? Does he work? I just cannot picture how this has gone-on for so long and you’re only just realising that you’v been manipulated into this controlling set-up where you (and your children) are just ‘kept’

yeah he’s bringing some ribbed goodies.

If you don't live together and haven't has sex in 4 years that's not a relationship that's a friendship at that.
Be careful/mindful of bringing over men into your children's home to shag them.

He wouldn’t be staying over x

 

[HankMcPrank]

This guy is honestly ridiculous, I don’t even have words. He cheated, he threatened to stop child maintenance…he moved out 4 years ago and barely sees his kids…

OP text him that it’s over and go fuck that other guy. Fuck him twice if you have to

don’t tempt me, I want him round tonight the only thing that puts me off is I don’t have a morning after pill

Tbh I agree. You’ve told him you want someone else and he’s done nothing to show you he’s willing to fight for you other than say “no don’t do it” (did you tell him you’ve had phone sex with the other guy?).

yes I did.

The mood swings were because I was on the implant. I bled on and off and was a right hormonal hen if I do say so myself

 

[HankMcPrank]

None of it makes sense though.

you don’t sound like you even have any semblance of a relationship. You don’t live together, you haven’t seen him in months, you don’t have a sexual relationship…. I’m not seeing what exactly you are getting out of it?

I send pics of kids he hasn’t seen them for ages - but he does pay up.

Thank you all xx

 

[HankMcPrank]

I’ve known him for years x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thanks all for the lovely advice.

See what today brings.

Do not contact him.

phone citizens advice this morning, and look at the page I shared yesterday re: child maintenance, start moving forward and getting yourself sorted and your ducks in a row.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I don't understand how you can still have feelings for a man who clearly doesn't fancy you, has cheated on you & most of all doesn't seem to care a jot about his kids, to the point of threatening not to support them?! I also find it quite worrying that from your posts you seem to care more about your sex life than the well-being of your children & their relationship (or lack of) with their father?
What exactly do you get out of this relationship? If you're contemplating having sex with someone else, surely that means the relationship is effectively dead. Why do you keep subjecting yourself and your children to more heartache?

he doesn’t want to see them. Feel free to think what you like, everybody will have an opinion. But him choosing not to see his children. Is that my fault?

I am only human. I still care, he gave me children. Children that I am bring up single handed. That wasn’t by choice. Whenmy youngest was born he started to break away and finally when he was 2.5 years HE chose to move out. I didn’t tell him.

 

[HankMcPrank]

He lives with his mum but has no bills he isn’t on the council tax or tenancy. The CSA cannot track him down I’ve given him the location of where he residents and they can’t find him.

He doesn’t work.

have you contacted citizens advice?

how do you know he has solicitors involved?

he lives with his mother - that’s his home address. It makes no difference anyway, the CSA take the payments from his salary before he gets paid, it’s an automatic deduction.

He informed me this lunch time he has instructed solicitors. Citizens advice have been great.

I thought your 'partner' lived with his mum so how can he be of no fixed address? Where does his post go to? Surely that will prove where he's living?

I'm sensing there is a WHOLE lot more to this 'story' than we're being told. I notice you have almost completely avoided answering a lot of the pertinent questions being asked particularly by @Penguinandthepinecone

But it is heartening to see you seem to finally be thinking of your children rather than your sex drive.

You have been given a lot of good advice here on what steps to take next. I don't know that much about family law but I'm not sure why you would lose custody of your children to someone who you say hasn't seen or bothered with them for months....?

malicious allegations, social services.....

 

[HankMcPrank]

Good morning,
I’ve had such a week I don’t even know where to begin so please bare with me. I’m in a relationship with someone and have been for 12 years, I love him but he just doesn’t have any desire to have sex with me. All I get told is “one day... one day.” This one day has become four years.

Anyway long story cut short, I bumped into an old friend of many years on Wednesday and he has recently split up with his wife (she’s walked out on him and he’s struggling with depression and suicidal.) his work colleagues have been there for him and he arranged for us to go for a coffee soon. He asked for my number aa he doesn’t have FB and it’s rare I see him, anyway.

one thing had led to another, the compliments the wanting to be with me.... he is now asking for sex. I struggle with a very high sex drive but I’ve told him no, I can’t. I can’t do it to my partner of 12-years, but last night I had phone sex. It was the most excitement I’ve had in a long time and my god, I feel as guilty as hell.

I told my partner at 1am and he had basically begged me to not cheat. He said something along thelines of “even though I don’t tell you often I do love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you, please don’t do anything.” Then the messages came in saying we will have sex, what we have had was incredible etc etc. But come this morning, nothing.

Will therapy help? He has admitted he has gained a little weight but what we did have was unbelieveable. I had the implant and turned into a hormonal cow. Then lockdown happened, I miss him. Just need that connection with him.

do you think counselling could help? We have children and I just want to save what we have. We’ve had problems over the years but always worked through it, he cheated on me back in 2009, i forgave him. I feel so guilty about last night but couldn’t help it, heat of the moment.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Well, according to you, it's bringing the allegedly suicidal one to fuck you senseless isn't it?

Thanks but I’ve come to my senses that that is the worst thing possible with the way I’m feeling.

Yes he has got solicitors involved so thanks all.

CSA can’t do anything he’s not at a fixed abode.


But I’m not bothered anymore with what people joke or make me out to be. I could potentially lose my kids especially with the malicious words and accusation.... but yeah, laugh.... like other people have done do what ya want.

What a way with words

thanks.

Well, according to you, it's bringing the allegedly suicidal one to fuck you senseless isn't it?

Nah it’s alright yeah, thanks tho.