Relationship Issues - HELP 😞

[HankMcPrank]

Good morning,
I’ve had such a week I don’t even know where to begin so please bare with me. I’m in a relationship with someone and have been for 12 years, I love him but he just doesn’t have any desire to have sex with me. All I get told is “one day... one day.” This one day has become four years.

Anyway long story cut short, I bumped into an old friend of many years on Wednesday and he has recently split up with his wife (she’s walked out on him and he’s struggling with depression and suicidal.) his work colleagues have been there for him and he arranged for us to go for a coffee soon. He asked for my number aa he doesn’t have FB and it’s rare I see him, anyway.

one thing had led to another, the compliments the wanting to be with me.... he is now asking for sex. I struggle with a very high sex drive but I’ve told him no, I can’t. I can’t do it to my partner of 12-years, but last night I had phone sex. It was the most excitement I’ve had in a long time and my god, I feel as guilty as hell.

I told my partner at 1am and he had basically begged me to not cheat. He said something along thelines of “even though I don’t tell you often I do love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you, please don’t do anything.” Then the messages came in saying we will have sex, what we have had was incredible etc etc. But come this morning, nothing.

Will therapy help? He has admitted he has gained a little weight but what we did have was unbelieveable. I had the implant and turned into a hormonal cow. Then lockdown happened, I miss him. Just need that connection with him.

do you think counselling could help? We have children and I just want to save what we have. We’ve had problems over the years but always worked through it, he cheated on me back in 2009, i forgave him. I feel so guilty about last night but couldn’t help it, heat of the moment.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Good morning,
I’ve had such a week I don’t even know where to begin so please bare with me. I’m in a relationship with someone and have been for 12 years, I love him but he just doesn’t have any desire to have sex with me. All I get told is “one day... one day.” This one day has become four years.

Anyway long story cut short, I bumped into an old friend of many years on Wednesday and he has recently split up with his wife (she’s walked out on him and he’s struggling with depression and suicidal.) his work colleagues have been there for him and he arranged for us to go for a coffee soon. He asked for my number aa he doesn’t have FB and it’s rare I see him, anyway.

one thing had led to another, the compliments the wanting to be with me.... he is now asking for sex. I struggle with a very high sex drive but I’ve told him no, I can’t. I can’t do it to my partner of 12-years, but last night I had phone sex. It was the most excitement I’ve had in a long time and my god, I feel as guilty as hell.

I told my partner at 1am and he had basically begged me to not cheat. He said something along thelines of “even though I don’t tell you often I do love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you, please don’t do anything.” Then the messages came in saying we will have sex, what we have had was incredible etc etc. But come this morning, nothing.

Will therapy help? He has admitted he has gained a little weight but what we did have was unbelieveable. I had the implant and turned into a hormonal cow. Then lockdown happened, I miss him. Just need that connection with him.

do you think counselling could help? We have children and I just want to save what we have. We’ve had problems over the years but always worked through it, he cheated on me back in 2009, i forgave him. I feel so guilty about last night but couldn’t help it, heat of the moment.

So he had an affair in 2009, and now you’ve had phone sex with another man?

you haven’t had a sexual relationship with your partner for 4 years? What happened to cause that to end? Can your partner explain to you what he feels? has he completely gone off sex all together or does he look at porn or whatever? I think he needs to explore what has changed within himself first before anything else. Do you try to initiate sex? Or even any physical intimacy? Have you explained to him that you want him and that you miss the connection?


id cease all contact with the other man. It’s just complicating what is already a very entangled situation and no good can come from having this other guy on the side.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

Life’s too short for false promises.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Not sure what’s changed, he’s gained a little weight and calls himself fat and I’m lost a little weight but still remain curvy. I’ll never be skinny, unfortunately.
I try to initiate it, hotel rooms, takeaways at home and then going upstairs, but there isn’t a spark. I’ve tried but the response I get is “yes babe.”

yeah I found out in 2009 via good old Facebook.

Unsure about porn, I wouldn’t mind if he watched it and then he had sex with me but he doesn’t and unsure if he watches it anyway.

I was on the implant and oh my word. I was a nightmare even I can admit I was a right moody cow. Then I was working afternoon/evenings and he was working all weekend. He went back to live with his mum when I was on the implant. He’s still there.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Not sure what’s changed, he’s gained a little weight and calls himself fat and I’m lost a little weight but still remain curvy. I’ll never be skinny, unfortunately.
I try to initiate it, hotel rooms, takeaways at home and then going upstairs, but there isn’t a spark. I’ve tried but the response I get is “yes babe.”

yeah I found out in 2009 via good old Facebook.

Something has happened to have caused this shift. It’s been 4 years. Something happened 4 years ago. does he or has he suffered from depression? Erectile Dysfunction? Could he have been the victim of a sexual assault (not as rare or as far fetched as it may sound unfortunately)
is there any kind of intimacy between you at all? Do you kiss/cuddle/enjoy any kind of sexual activity?


I think you are at the point now where you are going to have to be brutally honest with him and tell him that you love him but that you cannot live like this anymore - he needs to get professional help for whatever issue is going on. What does he say about it? If you ask him right now what’s going on, what does he say?

 

[LaurieLaurie]

The more pressure you put onto him the more he’s going to say no. If you want this to work have an honest conversation with him and then back off completely and give him space.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

The more pressure you put onto him the more he’s going to say no. If you want this to work have an honest conversation with him and then back off completely and give him space.

It’s been going on for 4 years though. 4 years in a sexless relationship.

 

[1001 others]

Some men just go off having sex - as much as media and friends might like to tell us that is never the case, it is more common than people realise. Women too, but it happens with men a LOT. If your relationship ticks all the other boxes then maybe you need to engage in self-satisfaction to tick the intimacy box? I certainly wouldn't encourage an affair or leaving him if the relationship works in every other way.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Some men just go off having sex - as much as media and friends might like to tell us that is never the case, it is more common than people realise. Women too, but it happens with men a LOT. If your relationship ticks all the other boxes then maybe you need to engage in self-satisfaction to tick the intimacy box? I certainly wouldn't encourage an affair or leaving him if the relationship works in every other way.

Physical intimacy is a huge and integral part of many people’s relationships. If, as the OP as said, there is a healthy & fulfilling sex life which all of a sudden just stops then I’m sorry but there’s something causing that; im
not buying that men just “go off” sex like that. Or women actually. there will be a reason behind this. no one should feel they need to stay locked in a relationship that is missing such a huge part. Being physically intimate with your partner is a huge aspect of the relationship, regardless of how good anything else is.

 

[HankMcPrank]

The more pressure you put onto him the more he’s going to say no. If you want this to work have an honest conversation with him and then back off completely and give him space.

agree with you on that. The more I pressure him. The more he gets put off.

Something has happened to have caused this shift. It’s been 4 years. Something happened 4 years ago. does he or has he suffered from depression? Erectile Dysfunction? Could he have been the victim of a sexual assault (not as rare or as far fetched as it may sound unfortunately)
is there any kind of intimacy between you at all? Do you kiss/cuddle/enjoy any kind of sexual activity?


I think you are at the point now where you are going to have to be brutally honest with him and tell him that you love him but that you cannot live like this anymore - he needs to get professional help for whatever issue is going on. What does he say about it? If you ask him right now what’s going on, what does he say?

I don’t know. He doesn’t live with me, I’ve moved house to be closer to him but he hasn’t been in the town since we’ve moved in March!
I said he needs to go the GP and he won’t, mentioned I’d have the depo injection so definitely no more pregnancies. Nope. Suggested the snip he went nuts and said nothings wrong with him.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

agree with you on that. The more I pressure him. The more he gets put off.



I don’t know. He doesn’t live with me, I’ve moved house to be closer to him but he hasn’t been in the town since we’ve moved in March!
I said he needs to go the GP and he won’t, mentioned I’d have the depo injection so definitely no more pregnancies. Nope. Suggested the snip he went nuts and said nothings wrong with him.

He needs to be honest with you. You don’t just go from being in a happy sexual relationship to just completely not wanting sex at all.
If he’s not willing to sit down and discuss it with you and he won’t go to the Doctor…. I’m honestly not sure what else you can do. He’s not willing to do anything to sort out what is a massive problem in the relationship, so, I don’t know if you should even bother staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to put any effort into something so fundamental. It’s been 4 years. You need more than this it if he’s so closed off to doing anything to help then….. I know what I’d be telling him

 

[HankMcPrank]

He needs to be honest with you. You don’t just go from being in a happy sexual relationship to just completely not wanting sex at all.
If he’s not willing to sit down and discuss it with you and he won’t go to the Doctor…. I’m honestly not sure what else you can do. He’s not willing to do anything to sort out what is a massive problem in the relationship, so, I don’t know if you should even bother staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to put any effort into something so fundamental. It’s been 4 years. You need more than this it if he’s so closed off to doing anything to help then….. I know what I’d be telling him

It’s the way he said “please don’t cheat or get tempted I’d never do this to you” I don’t even feel I’m in a relationship! The guy I had phone sex last night my friend said he will call me tonight and to be honest. Horrid as this sounds I can’t flipping wait. It’s not even the attention, it’s the sexual desires.

 

[Very traditional]

agree with you on that. The more I pressure him. The more he gets put off.



I don’t know. He doesn’t live with me, I’ve moved house to be closer to him but he hasn’t been in the town since we’ve moved in March!
I said he needs to go the GP and he won’t, mentioned I’d have the depo injection so definitely no more pregnancies. Nope. Suggested the snip he went nuts and said nothings wrong with him.

Really sorry you're going through this. So did he move out 4 years ago and hasn't moved back in? And am in reading it right that you haven't seen him since March?

 

[LaurieLaurie]

With your update about living apart. Are you sure he isn’t seeing someone else?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

It’s the way he said “please don’t cheat or get tempted I’d never do this to you” I don’t even feel I’m in a relationship! The guy I had phone sex last night my friend said he will call me tonight and to be honest. Horrid as this sounds I can’t flipping wait. It’s not even the attention, it’s the sexual desires.

Well yeah - what does he expect from you? That your going to keep living like this?

you don’t live together- is there a reason?

 

[HankMcPrank]

With your update about living apart. Are you sure he isn’t seeing someone else?

I thought this, was utterly convinced. But no just him and his mum.

Well yeah - what does he expect from you? That your going to keep living like this?

you don’t live together- is there a reason?

no, there is a reason. I personally think it’s pathetic. When I was on the implant I had mood swings so would never live with me because of my moods

 

[Very traditional]

I thought this, was utterly convinced. But no just him and his mum.



no, there is a reason. I personally think it’s pathetic. When I was on the implant I had mood swings so would never live with me because of my moods

I don't want to be harsh but it sounds like you're getting nothing from the relationship. You're living as a single woman, bringing up your children alone. I don't think your new friend is the one for you as he clearly has his own issues but I don't think anyone could judge you for meeting someone else given the circumstances

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I thought this, was utterly convinced. But no just him and his mum.



no, there is a reason. I personally think it’s pathetic. When I was on the implant I had mood swings so would never live with me because of my moods

He lives with his mum…….

Dude. Why are you with him? Genuine question?

 

[HankMcPrank]

I don't want to be harsh but it sounds like you're getting nothing from the relationship. You're living as a single woman, bringing up your children alone. I don't think your new friend is the one for you as he clearly has his own issues but I don't think anyone could judge you for meeting someone else given the circumstances

thank you xx

He lives with his mum…….

Dude. Why are you with him? Genuine question?

because I love him he gave me children.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

It doesn’t sound like there is a relationship at all on his part. He won’t change.
End it, be thankful for your kids and find someone that’s worth it.