Relationship Issues - HELP 😞

[HankMcPrank]

They don’t speak to him. They no longer ask for him, he has let them down far too many times.

but I’ve tried so many times before.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

The more pressure you put onto him the more he’s going to say no. If you want this to work have an honest conversation with him and then back off completely and give him space.

 

[Hendrix]

Are the malicious allegations you're talking about posts on here? If so I dont see anything malicious.

Also if you don't want anything to be brought against you I would say don't post about it on such a public forum and seek help and advice from other areas...

She just seems to care more about getting shagged than anything else

 

[HankMcPrank]

He’s not even bothering with his kids. That alone should be enough for you to give up on him.

You need to vanish and be silent. He knows where you and your kids are, have absolutely no contact from you and see if he comes back.

good idea. Thank you. Xx

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

Are you in the UK? So the only thing your ‘partner’ is giving you is money. Are you sure this set-up is even fair? My concern is that your children’s Dad (I don’t actually think he’s your partner anymore…he just hasn’t had the decency to tell you) is/might be funding a mortgage that you are not named on, and you are just being paid as childcare. If he is living with his own mum (or pretending to) does this mean he can’t afford another property of his own whilst you live in ‘his?’ house? What if he has a completely different life and relationship with a women you are not aware of? Then when your children get to 18 he stops all maintenance money and kicks you out of your home? If you literally don’t see him, then his do you even know if the money he provides for your children is even fair, if you don’t know his salary? Do you have any joint finances? I really think the sex is the least of your worries.

 

[Welshgal]

I’m a bit late but wow seriously wtf.
I’m awfully sorry for you but I can only agree 100% with many of the posts here.
Break it off with your “partner” (not even sure I can call him that) and move on. Apart from that one other guy there are many other men who will not only give you what you need but also be more of a father figure to your kids! I get the low sex drive due to putting on weight but not seeing his kids!? That’s messed up

 

[HankMcPrank]

All I want is a happy future. Me and my children to have a wonderful life. No worries about money, (which is what we have) and to have sex three times a week if not more does that sound selfish? But overall, I don’t want the unknowing. The false promises.

I don’t know about the other girl. I think somethings going on, I convinced myself at one point. I didn’t sleep I didn’t eat.

 

[Scragbags]

Are the malicious allegations you're talking about posts on here? If so I dont see anything malicious.

Also if you don't want anything to be brought against you I would say don't post about it on such a public forum and seek help and advice from other areas...

 

[Treesy19]

Your partner is taking the mickey and has been for a long time it seems. Girl, you need
out of that. It’s not even one issue like lack of intimacy - it’s how he’s treating you. I echo others though - the other guy I don’t recommend either.

 

[HankMcPrank]

He has not filed any type of court proceedings over this weekend, especially without access to a solicitor, he’s full of crap. In any case what on Earth would he be requesting the court do? You don’t have a mortgage (or it seems any sort of shared finances) and he chooses not to see the children himself, and you said your children don’t like him anyway.
However do not in any circumstances send him any more text messages, especially regarding your need for sex, if things do get nasty, he would cling on to those messages as a way of smearing you in court.

I’m really struggling to understand this set-up, especially why he has manufactured this situation. I wonder if it’s all, or a mixture of the following:
-he’s a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist (and gets kicks from controlling you)
-financial reasons (maybe he earns much more than you think, so has manipulated you into thinking you have got it good)
-cultural reasons maybe? Are you in the UK, this all seems so backward?!
-he’s kept you thinking you’re in a relationship (when you’re not) to prevent any other good men/father figures being near your/‘his’ children.
-or he’s living a completely unacceptable hidden life, and this ‘family’ he has kept is just a front for something very unsavoury that he’d never want you to see (thinking illegal addiction/abuse type things).
-or finally he just checked out of your relationship years ago, and is totally spineless, and didn’t tell you, and perhaps he does in fact want a relationship with his children, just not with you, but he’s so spineless he’d rather not see his children just so he doesn’t have to tell you the truth.

Only you can work out what’s gone on here. You definitely need professional help to navigate this situation.

He controlled what I did. Who I spoke to etc. It’s only now I’ve realised.

sorry I’m heading bed as my head is spinning

Take you to family court. For what exactly?!

contact, contact for children he hasn’t seen in 18 months

 

[HankMcPrank]

I know mate but it’s not a 12 year relationship,it sounds like the relationship broke down when he first walked out in you and your kids. It’s been over for a long long time.

unfortunately you are right. Thank you for making me see the light. Xx

 

[HankMcPrank]

When did he move back to his mum’s?

so if you’ve been together 12 years, then he cheated on you right at the start of your relationship?

I don’t want to sound harsh, but I feel like this guy is just playing on your kindness and I feel like he has been doing it for a very long time. He’s been getting his cake and eating it too and you’ve been allowing it.

if he moved out because you were “moody” then not a chance would I have continued with the relationship, especially considering he’s left not only you, but also his children.

This seems a very odd set up to me and he clearly doesn’t want this relationship, but he is either too weak to tell you that or he wants to keep you right where he wants so that in case he changes his mind, he’s got you as a back up plan.

I would ditch him, go after this new guy and enjoy your life. Life is too short.

he moved back to his mums 4 years ago.

He is very arrogant, stubborn and upfront. I’ve told him if he doesn’t wanna be with metell me and he said he’s happy. If I cheat he walks away.

I forgave him at the beginning but to be honest. It doesn’t look good for him does it?

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I hope that ‘I’m horny’ text was your last ever attempt with him.

He doesn’t want you so stop giving him power to kept hold of you and block the other man. He sounds like an absolute mess that’s using you when he knows you’re having a hard time.

 

[HankMcPrank]

With your update about living apart. Are you sure he isn’t seeing someone else?

I thought this, was utterly convinced. But no just him and his mum.

Well yeah - what does he expect from you? That your going to keep living like this?

you don’t live together- is there a reason?

no, there is a reason. I personally think it’s pathetic. When I was on the implant I had mood swings so would never live with me because of my moods

 

[HankMcPrank]

I think you need to have a really good think about what's best for you and your children. Your relationship with their father is effectively over and he has abandoned them as well as you. It's great that he is financially responsible but as their father he should be seeing them at the very minimum. How on earth have you explained this situation to them?

they have understood dads always at work.
he works at the weekends but no I’ve had to be dishonest to them.

With your update about living apart. Are you sure he isn’t seeing someone else?

he tells me he will remain loyal. The girl he cheated on me with in 2009 he has on FB, she loves any pictures and it makes me uncomfortable but he called her a TW*T.

 

[HankMcPrank]

He needs to be honest with you. You don’t just go from being in a happy sexual relationship to just completely not wanting sex at all.
If he’s not willing to sit down and discuss it with you and he won’t go to the Doctor…. I’m honestly not sure what else you can do. He’s not willing to do anything to sort out what is a massive problem in the relationship, so, I don’t know if you should even bother staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to put any effort into something so fundamental. It’s been 4 years. You need more than this it if he’s so closed off to doing anything to help then….. I know what I’d be telling him

It’s the way he said “please don’t cheat or get tempted I’d never do this to you” I don’t even feel I’m in a relationship! The guy I had phone sex last night my friend said he will call me tonight and to be honest. Horrid as this sounds I can’t flipping wait. It’s not even the attention, it’s the sexual desires.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Hi, hope you're okay,

Did you get together when you were quite young? Is he maybe having thoughts about his sexuality? No offence meant x

yes I was 17.

Oh well, he’s blown up and decided to take me to family court

It doesn’t sound like there is a relationship at all on his part. He won’t change.
End it, be thankful for your kids and find someone that’s worth it.

Thank you.

 

[HankMcPrank]

I’m going to speak to him later after I’ve put babies to bed. It isn’t just a quick five minute decision of “right that’s it he won’t give me what I want. I’m looking elsewhere.” Its absolutely not the case.

I have tried my absolute hardest to keep the family unit single handed. I didn’t want to look like a failure or be judged. He is not interested, he clearly couldn’t give a toss about me or them. He isn’t upfront and honest. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to no avail.

Video calls he can’t wait to end, phone calls it’s all pure sarcasm. Okay somethings got to give.
My children are and always will be my number one priority. I’ve tried days out, he makes excuses or doesn’t turn up. I’ve suggested Wetherspoons and stood up.

I am too caring. I give too many chances. I’m the lowest of the low, because what ever I do try or attempt, it’s never good enough.

I put my hands up, thats it. I’m out.

 

[Very traditional]

agree with you on that. The more I pressure him. The more he gets put off.



I don’t know. He doesn’t live with me, I’ve moved house to be closer to him but he hasn’t been in the town since we’ve moved in March!
I said he needs to go the GP and he won’t, mentioned I’d have the depo injection so definitely no more pregnancies. Nope. Suggested the snip he went nuts and said nothings wrong with him.

Really sorry you're going through this. So did he move out 4 years ago and hasn't moved back in? And am in reading it right that you haven't seen him since March?

 

[HankMcPrank]

Not sure what’s changed, he’s gained a little weight and calls himself fat and I’m lost a little weight but still remain curvy. I’ll never be skinny, unfortunately.
I try to initiate it, hotel rooms, takeaways at home and then going upstairs, but there isn’t a spark. I’ve tried but the response I get is “yes babe.”

yeah I found out in 2009 via good old Facebook.

Unsure about porn, I wouldn’t mind if he watched it and then he had sex with me but he doesn’t and unsure if he watches it anyway.

I was on the implant and oh my word. I was a nightmare even I can admit I was a right moody cow. Then I was working afternoon/evenings and he was working all weekend. He went back to live with his mum when I was on the implant. He’s still there.