I’d end it tbh. XHi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a tit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.
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I’d end it tbh. X
I wonder whether he is suffering from depression. Losing a job when you have a family to support is a big issue for a man. He probably feels worthless and that no one wants him, particularly if he has always worked.
Please be careful about ending the relationship; it could send him over the edge to a point of no return.
Try some positive approaches - build him up and make him feel valued. Thank him for what he does contribute, however small.
Instead of bringing up the subject of money and him not working, ask him how he is feeling. Mention it must be tough.
If he is on UC via the job centre, they are likely to be bullying him into work too - likely into a job he will hate or isn’t skilled for.
Has he got friends he has isolated himself from? See if you can use his friends and any family to try and help.
But over all, however tough it is right now for you, he is probably having an even tougher time fighting his own demons.
The fact he hasn't given you the UC or any amount speaks volumes to me. Has he recognised how much you are doing?
If he is at home is he doing childcare drop offs, shopping, cleaning etc? If he cannot ease the financial burden he should be easing other burdens on you as a minimum.
Is he not telling you which jobs he's applying for? Sorry but after 8 months any job is better than nothing for now.
Also, you are not responsible for how he is acting and you shouldn't have to put up with it incase he's depressed or vulnerable in anyway. Shoe on the other foot with the responsibility and stress you are currently under.. he's not trying to help you. Xx
Don't know if this is the right thread. How do you get on with your life when someone's told you to do exactly that? I love this man and he does not love me like I love him, whys it so hard to move on when it's clear they are not the one? I don't want a man. I just love this one. It's been a hard situation-ship for a while. I've grown quite close and we have had good times but FFS why can't I just move on and be happy with myself. Nothing works! I go to the gym, I go to college and also have a potential job coming up. All I think about is this man. My brain is wired to only feel things deeply. This happened when I was with my ex who I thought I'd never ever get over and now I look back and think jeez what was I thinking. But until then how do you just stop thinking about this one that does not care anymore? It's so hard.
The only thing that has ever worked for me in the past is time. There really is no quick fix.
It's so difficult - I swear I would do nothing but text, call and stalk their social media and it wasn't until they turned round to me and told me they were single, they could do as they please and I needed to move on that I got the wake-up call I needed. It hurt like hell hearing him say it but I had to move on for my own mental health.
I needed to stop chasing him, I needed to do everything in my power to not think about him - Impossible at times.
I blocked him, and as hard as it was, I painted a smile on my face and just took each day as it came. I went to the gym, out with friends, always keeping busy and as much as there were some really bad days - each day would get a little better.
It didn't help that when he saw I was getting on with my life and decided to come back and mess with my head again - but I was a lot stronger and knew I didn't want to fall back into old habits and ways so I stood my ground.
I did move on and I'm so much happier now than I ever was with him - although at the time I really did think he was the love of my life and I'd never get past it, I did.
Break ups are bloody hard but you will move on.
I would like a partner but separate homes.I've been in an on again, off again, dysfunctional relationship for a while now. I've posted about it before. I suppose at this moment in time, I'm just looking for some validation that I'm not wrong about what just happened. In brief, together for fully 3 years and engaged and on/off for the past 1 year. I left him in January this year for what I hoped was for good but ended up taking him back after 6 weeks which is the longest separation period. Usually its only around 2 weeks maximum. It was his birthday yesterday and he said he was going to his mums from about 2pm until 6pm and he would come to mine after. He ended up staying up until about 6am so he got up late and said it had a knock on effect for going to his mums so he would be at mine for about 8pm. I felt a bit like I'm not waiting around for him to rock up to mine after having a birthday meal with his mum and his child like I'm some spare part. I felt upset at not being invited to his mums. She knows we are back together.
He said it wasn't his mums idea and that he had asked her to do it. He had also said a couple of days before that he didn't even want to go.
I said to him 8pm was a bit late really and I knew this would happen. He said "but I need to go and pick them up." I said who is them? So he said his daughter. But to me that indicated he had just fucked up and actually he was going out for a meal with his mum and his child and probably his mums partner as well.... and I'm not invited. So I said to him to have a nice day and I went home and I cried in the car on my way home.
He messaged me and said he won't come to mine afterwards if it makes me feel a way.
Then today I messaged him and I asked him why wasn't I invited to spend his bday with his family because he is always telling me I am his family but his actions always say otherwise. He said because he wanted to spend time just with his child. Which doesn't really make sense because he was spending the day with his mum and his child and maybe even his mums partner?? I said I found it hurtful and rude and exclusionary. He went off on one saying its his birthday and I can't pick and choose when I want to spend time with him and we had been together the past 3 days already. He said he doesn't want to hear anything from me unless it's an apology or accountability of why I feel entitled to ruin his special occasion and he said the way I have reacted is not acceptable.
I don't think I'm out of line to be upset and feel excluded and feel like my partner should want to spend his birthday with me and his family and not just want to wake up with me and then duck me off to go and have a nice dinner and then come back to mine at night and probably expect me to have sex with him. Am I being unreasonable or am I crazy or what???
I've told him to duck off anyway - I'm sick of wasting my life being on the periphery of his. I just feel like that is so hurtful and for him to not recognise that is like wow.
In our 4 years, he has only met my dad once and has had no interest in being involved with my family but even so, not a single family/birthday/fathers day dinner has gone by in those 4 years where my dad has not invited him. I used to think my family was a bit rubbish and was looking for a safe haven in his, but looking back with hindsight now, I think my family is much kinder and more considerate than his.
He said it wasn't his mums idea and that he had asked her to do it. He had also said a couple of days before that he didn't even want to go.
I said to him 8pm was a bit late really and I knew this would happen. He said "but I need to go and pick them up." I said who is them? So he said his daughter. But to me that indicated he had just fucked up and actually he was going out for a meal with his mum and his child and probably his mums partner as well.... and I'm not invited. So I said to him to have a nice day and I went home and I cried in the car on my way home.
He messaged me and said he won't come to mine afterwards if it makes me feel a way.
Then today I messaged him and I asked him why wasn't I invited to spend his bday with his family because he is always telling me I am his family but his actions always say otherwise. He said because he wanted to spend time just with his child. Which doesn't really make sense because he was spending the day with his mum and his child and maybe even his mums partner?? I said I found it hurtful and rude and exclusionary. He went off on one saying its his birthday and I can't pick and choose when I want to spend time with him and we had been together the past 3 days already. He said he doesn't want to hear anything from me unless it's an apology or accountability of why I feel entitled to ruin his special occasion and he said the way I have reacted is not acceptable.
I don't think I'm out of line to be upset and feel excluded and feel like my partner should want to spend his birthday with me and his family and not just want to wake up with me and then duck me off to go and have a nice dinner and then come back to mine at night and probably expect me to have sex with him. Am I being unreasonable or am I crazy or what???
I've told him to duck off anyway - I'm sick of wasting my life being on the periphery of his. I just feel like that is so hurtful and for him to not recognise that is like wow.
In our 4 years, he has only met my dad once and has had no interest in being involved with my family but even so, not a single family/birthday/fathers day dinner has gone by in those 4 years where my dad has not invited him. I used to think my family was a bit rubbish and was looking for a safe haven in his, but looking back with hindsight now, I think my family is much kinder and more considerate than his.
I don’t think it really matters who is right or wrong, if you were right, you’re still losing (though sounds like you were both wrong). This is a horrendously dysfunctional relationship. Engaged to be married for the rest of your life but on and off, aren’t involved with each other’s family, not communicating properly. “Usually it’s a about 2 weeks” separation shouldn’t be part of an engagement.
You either both need to grow up and see this isn’t a proper, life long relationship, it’s not normal or healthy and go to couples councilling in the hopes there’s something to salvage but do it properly or get out and stay out.
@JSK90 Hey, I've been there myself (nearly 10 years this went on for). As your post last night was obviously typed up while in an emotional state, you may have got up this morning with some clarity, or you may still be feeling hurt.
What I want to say is, that regardless of who's right and who's wrong, you need to have a good look at this relationship from a non judgemental and non emotional viewpoint, and ask yourself if this is want you want for yourself. Is it on and off due to the same issues? Do you feel like you are putting in more than you are taking out? Do you feel loved, cherished, and part of his life?
Have an honest opinion with yourself about your self worth. Don't contact him until you are emotionally calm, and while your waiting work out what you want from this relationship, and then sit down with him and tell him calmly. Just remember he may not have the same relationship goals as you and you can't apportion blame if his idea of a relationship is different to yours.
You can't get another human being to change, but you can work toward changing yourself by working on your self worth and having your own life and interests outside of this relationship. If you are constantly telling someone their behaviour to you is unacceptable, but then allowing them back for the same to happen again, then the person has you over a barrel. He knows all he has to do is wait for you to calm down, say a few words he knows you want to hear, and carry on doing what he wants. Please please understand that this isn't a healthy relationship. You may feel like you have control because you are constantly ending it, but believe me, at present he holds all the cards in this.
But I would look into you own actions as well. You may, from a non judgemental observation find you still feel like you were right, but you may equally feel like you over reacted.
Why was it so important to spend yesterday with him and his family? By your account you have only been back together a minimum of 2 months. Is this on and off thing you have going on good for his child? I do get it. I had a childhood of emotional neglect and I really wanted to belong somewhere. But I realised in the end I had to belong to myself. It took a while but once I got that self worth and self compassion even my patchy relationship with my family changed for the better. My 10 year relationship with my partner however ended because I was honest with myself and I realised he wasn't who I wanted him to be. He wasn't going to change. He wasn't even a bad person really, he just had different life and relationship goals to me.
I would advise anyone in the same situation (and I have done several times) to read the book Why Men Love witches, and it's sequal Why Men Marry witches. They were written in the 90's so are a bit dated, but they drive home the point succinctly and humouressly that we need to have that self worth for a healthy relationship.
Good luck for your future and I hope you get some clarity soon.
What I want to say is, that regardless of who's right and who's wrong, you need to have a good look at this relationship from a non judgemental and non emotional viewpoint, and ask yourself if this is want you want for yourself. Is it on and off due to the same issues? Do you feel like you are putting in more than you are taking out? Do you feel loved, cherished, and part of his life?
Have an honest opinion with yourself about your self worth. Don't contact him until you are emotionally calm, and while your waiting work out what you want from this relationship, and then sit down with him and tell him calmly. Just remember he may not have the same relationship goals as you and you can't apportion blame if his idea of a relationship is different to yours.
You can't get another human being to change, but you can work toward changing yourself by working on your self worth and having your own life and interests outside of this relationship. If you are constantly telling someone their behaviour to you is unacceptable, but then allowing them back for the same to happen again, then the person has you over a barrel. He knows all he has to do is wait for you to calm down, say a few words he knows you want to hear, and carry on doing what he wants. Please please understand that this isn't a healthy relationship. You may feel like you have control because you are constantly ending it, but believe me, at present he holds all the cards in this.
But I would look into you own actions as well. You may, from a non judgemental observation find you still feel like you were right, but you may equally feel like you over reacted.
Why was it so important to spend yesterday with him and his family? By your account you have only been back together a minimum of 2 months. Is this on and off thing you have going on good for his child? I do get it. I had a childhood of emotional neglect and I really wanted to belong somewhere. But I realised in the end I had to belong to myself. It took a while but once I got that self worth and self compassion even my patchy relationship with my family changed for the better. My 10 year relationship with my partner however ended because I was honest with myself and I realised he wasn't who I wanted him to be. He wasn't going to change. He wasn't even a bad person really, he just had different life and relationship goals to me.
I would advise anyone in the same situation (and I have done several times) to read the book Why Men Love witches, and it's sequal Why Men Marry witches. They were written in the 90's so are a bit dated, but they drive home the point succinctly and humouressly that we need to have that self worth for a healthy relationship.
Good luck for your future and I hope you get some clarity soon.
Sorry to hear this.
Reading your situation, this sounds like it is as good as it gets and you’re clutching at straws trying to make something out of nothing, because the pain of staying put is less than the pain of quitting the relationship permanently.
Miley Cyrus springs to mind…perhaps you need to start singing this to yourself?
I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can
Start loving yourself and you’ll realise you deserve better than him.
“I've been in an on again, off again, dysfunctional relationship for a while now”
just want to chime in and post some words a therapist said to me whilst going through something similar in my 20s. It stuck with me for years:
Why do you feel that this is all you deserve
Everyone deserves substantially more from a relationship than what you have described yourself as dysfunctional.
just want to chime in and post some words a therapist said to me whilst going through something similar in my 20s. It stuck with me for years:
Why do you feel that this is all you deserve
Everyone deserves substantially more from a relationship than what you have described yourself as dysfunctional.
I appreciate all the replies. Things took a turn for the worse this morning. We still had each others keys and I had a pair of his trainers and he had a pair of my shoes that I wouldn't be bothered about but I wanted them back because they are chanel. I went to swap the shoes and the keys but he wouldn't give my key back because he said he was going to get his xbox out of my house first. I'd already handed over his key. He tried to shut the door in my face so I put my foot in the door and asked for my key again and he shoved me into the railing. So by this time I'm crying and he shut the door and I'm still asking for my key back and I knocked on the door again and he came and shoved me into the railing again. I had a work appt so I went to the appt and when I came back he had been in my house and he knows my password is the same for everything so he must have downloaded the security system app and logged in and deleted the footage of him in my house and he did put the front door key through the letterbox but he either stole or hid my back door key so I've had to change the lock. He can't copy my front door key because it's a security key. I've blocked him on everything. Perhaps I did overreact about not being able to go to his birthday dinner but it's constant hurt over the same things so it really made me feel like nothing to him.
Forget all previous arguments, and just focus on the fact that this is NOT normal or healthy, you need to completely cut contact and never see or speak to him again. A grown man should not be shoving you, period. You cannot go back after this.
Uh this is assault. No matter what else happened, this man was comfortable with the idea of hurting you. Additionally, he is fine with accessing your flat without your consent, basically breaking in, and messing with your electronics. He's so far past any boundaries the red flags are mere blips in the distance. You need to stay away from him or he'll hurt you worse next time.