Relationship advice

[Happyvalley]

Fellow Tattlers - I need your help. Buckle up as this might be a long one!

I am 35F and my partner 42M - we have been together since August 2019 and moved in together in March 2020.

Of course, when we met we were in a little bubble of lust and had a great time together, but after being together for a month or so, he made a comment about wanting a partner who was in shape and physically attractive. I am about 4 stone overweight and have yo-yo'd for most of my adult life. I want to get fit and healthy and agreed that I would make a conscious effort - but not just for him but for me too.

Skip forward to Spring 2021 and him walking out of his job. He didn't work for a few months and then got himself a WFH job which he stuck at for 6 months. In December 2021, he quit that job. I could see it was making him miserable and said that I could financially support us on my wage for a few months before things would be really difficult. We agreed he would use that time to find something else and all would be well.

During this time he basically spend his entire day gaming whilst I was out working. No housework, no cooking, no nothing done in the house - so when I got home from work, it was all on me.

He turned 40 in the summer of 2022 and he'd said a few times that he wanted a gaming PC (costing around £1500) and 'maybe a night or two away somewhere'. I couldn't afford a gaming PC (bearing in mind, we are getting by off my sole income) so I booked a few days away in the Peak District in a cute little cottage where I thought we could switch off and just have a nice few days. Well, this didn't go down well and when we got home he basically said I had ruined his 40th and I clearly didn't know him at all. Long story short - we argued and made up but he said he could never forgive me.

It's now January 2024 - he is still not working or contributing at all and I am having to lend him money to pay his bills. He has no drive, no motivation and we do not have what I would say is a 'relationship' but just two people living their lives under the same roof. I am miserable, we don't do anything together - he still spends all day gaming while I go out to work. He has constantly made comments about my weight and how I look for the duration of our relationship.

Last week, after me being in tears most nights he told me I 'needed to get my head checked' and I told him that my head is fine and that he is the problem. We talked, I told him I needed space. I stayed with a friend fir a few nights at the weekend - got absolutely blind drunk on Saturday and instead of going home to talk on Sunday, I stayed away. He got pretty shitty with me when I told him this and I also said I didn't think I was in love with him anymore.

When I got back on Monday, he'd text me saying sorry, he didn't realise how much things had taken a toll on me, he wanted to get back to the place we were in before and he hoped we could spend time together this week and talk. He said he'd be lost without me, he wants to be together and can't imagine not having me in his life and asked me to not give up on him.

We have talked and I now feel quilted to saying yes to giving him the chance to change things. I can't forget the things he said about my appearance (although now he says he'd rather have me exactly as I am than not at all - but he thinks both of us getting healthy together would change our relationship entirely). I feel sick at the thought of now telling him that I can't do it - he has been helping around the house for the last two days and we've been out for a few walks together. But I don't feel that I will ever be able to forget everything and be 100% in again and I don't know how long I can go along playing happy family.

My friends and family have begged me to end things and get out of the emotional abuse but I just don't know what to do next.

What would you tattlers do?

He’s now panicking because if you end it, he has to get a job and leave his cushy life. You’re worth so much more, he’s making you miserable, emotionally abusing you and draining you financially. You have nothing to gain from staying with him but everything to lose

 

[littlepup]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

I can’t believe what I’m reading, if this can even be true?? You’re essentially supporting your partners expensive gambling habit. He is using you, this is not an equal relationship.

Move out and rent somewhere, split all your mutual costs like holidays and food in half and see if the relationship continues.


I’m familiar with the world of crypto and NFTs and can still say this situation stinks.

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Please end it, you are worth so much more than this x

 

[Tommyb]

Fellow Tattlers - I need your help. Buckle up as this might be a long one!

I am 35F and my partner 42M - we have been together since August 2019 and moved in together in March 2020.

Of course, when we met we were in a little bubble of lust and had a great time together, but after being together for a month or so, he made a comment about wanting a partner who was in shape and physically attractive. I am about 4 stone overweight and have yo-yo'd for most of my adult life. I want to get fit and healthy and agreed that I would make a conscious effort - but not just for him but for me too.

Skip forward to Spring 2021 and him walking out of his job. He didn't work for a few months and then got himself a WFH job which he stuck at for 6 months. In December 2021, he quit that job. I could see it was making him miserable and said that I could financially support us on my wage for a few months before things would be really difficult. We agreed he would use that time to find something else and all would be well.

During this time he basically spend his entire day gaming whilst I was out working. No housework, no cooking, no nothing done in the house - so when I got home from work, it was all on me.

He turned 40 in the summer of 2022 and he'd said a few times that he wanted a gaming PC (costing around £1500) and 'maybe a night or two away somewhere'. I couldn't afford a gaming PC (bearing in mind, we are getting by off my sole income) so I booked a few days away in the Peak District in a cute little cottage where I thought we could switch off and just have a nice few days. Well, this didn't go down well and when we got home he basically said I had ruined his 40th and I clearly didn't know him at all. Long story short - we argued and made up but he said he could never forgive me.

It's now January 2024 - he is still not working or contributing at all and I am having to lend him money to pay his bills. He has no drive, no motivation and we do not have what I would say is a 'relationship' but just two people living their lives under the same roof. I am miserable, we don't do anything together - he still spends all day gaming while I go out to work. He has constantly made comments about my weight and how I look for the duration of our relationship.

Last week, after me being in tears most nights he told me I 'needed to get my head checked' and I told him that my head is fine and that he is the problem. We talked, I told him I needed space. I stayed with a friend fir a few nights at the weekend - got absolutely blind drunk on Saturday and instead of going home to talk on Sunday, I stayed away. He got pretty shitty with me when I told him this and I also said I didn't think I was in love with him anymore.

When I got back on Monday, he'd text me saying sorry, he didn't realise how much things had taken a toll on me, he wanted to get back to the place we were in before and he hoped we could spend time together this week and talk. He said he'd be lost without me, he wants to be together and can't imagine not having me in his life and asked me to not give up on him.

We have talked and I now feel quilted to saying yes to giving him the chance to change things. I can't forget the things he said about my appearance (although now he says he'd rather have me exactly as I am than not at all - but he thinks both of us getting healthy together would change our relationship entirely). I feel sick at the thought of now telling him that I can't do it - he has been helping around the house for the last two days and we've been out for a few walks together. But I don't feel that I will ever be able to forget everything and be 100% in again and I don't know how long I can go along playing happy family.

My friends and family have begged me to end things and get out of the emotional abuse but I just don't know what to do next.

What would you tattlers do?

Hand on heart I would have left a long time ago. You are being used sweetheart. You sound so lovely. Would you treat someone the way he treats you? Why' are you accepting this?.

I bet in getting rid of him you find alot of your problems disappear and your confidence grows.

You shouldn't be supporting a 40 year old man. What is he adding to your life!

Please listen to those that care about you!

 

[xcyber]

Wondering if anyone can give me their 2cent, my boyfriend seems to have gone on a ‘follow every woman he’s ever encountered’ Instagram rampage and I’m a little confused on what to make of it and kind of creeped out by it. He follows every coworker who all seem to be younger girls with bikini profile pictures and likes their pictures (maybe I’m wrong but to me it’s kind of creepy for a 29 year old to be liking 20 year old interns holiday bikini photos/following them on social media in the first place) the latest one is the real estate lady we used whos personal page he follows, her business one is in the bio which he does not follow, she does not follow him but he likes all her revealing photos. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn’t think there was anything wrong with being friendly with co workers and people he’s encountered and being friendly, it just doesn’t seem to be sitting right with me as there are only a handful of guys he follows and hundreds of girls, and the majority don’t even follow him back.
May be making a big deal of nothing is this a huge red flag to anyone else perspective is needed if possible!

Personally this is not only a massive red flag but also a massive ick. It’s disrespectful and frankly embarrassing when men do this. I might be being a bit too black and white in my thinking but aa far as I see it any man doing this is essentially letting all these women know that he finds them attractive and would sleep with them if he could.

 

[MacPishFlaps]

Fellow Tattlers - I need your help. Buckle up as this might be a long one!

I am 35F and my partner 42M - we have been together since August 2019 and moved in together in March 2020.

Of course, when we met we were in a little bubble of lust and had a great time together, but after being together for a month or so, he made a comment about wanting a partner who was in shape and physically attractive. I am about 4 stone overweight and have yo-yo'd for most of my adult life. I want to get fit and healthy and agreed that I would make a conscious effort - but not just for him but for me too.

Skip forward to Spring 2021 and him walking out of his job. He didn't work for a few months and then got himself a WFH job which he stuck at for 6 months. In December 2021, he quit that job. I could see it was making him miserable and said that I could financially support us on my wage for a few months before things would be really difficult. We agreed he would use that time to find something else and all would be well.

During this time he basically spend his entire day gaming whilst I was out working. No housework, no cooking, no nothing done in the house - so when I got home from work, it was all on me.

He turned 40 in the summer of 2022 and he'd said a few times that he wanted a gaming PC (costing around £1500) and 'maybe a night or two away somewhere'. I couldn't afford a gaming PC (bearing in mind, we are getting by off my sole income) so I booked a few days away in the Peak District in a cute little cottage where I thought we could switch off and just have a nice few days. Well, this didn't go down well and when we got home he basically said I had ruined his 40th and I clearly didn't know him at all. Long story short - we argued and made up but he said he could never forgive me.

It's now January 2024 - he is still not working or contributing at all and I am having to lend him money to pay his bills. He has no drive, no motivation and we do not have what I would say is a 'relationship' but just two people living their lives under the same roof. I am miserable, we don't do anything together - he still spends all day gaming while I go out to work. He has constantly made comments about my weight and how I look for the duration of our relationship.

Last week, after me being in tears most nights he told me I 'needed to get my head checked' and I told him that my head is fine and that he is the problem. We talked, I told him I needed space. I stayed with a friend fir a few nights at the weekend - got absolutely blind drunk on Saturday and instead of going home to talk on Sunday, I stayed away. He got pretty shitty with me when I told him this and I also said I didn't think I was in love with him anymore.

When I got back on Monday, he'd text me saying sorry, he didn't realise how much things had taken a toll on me, he wanted to get back to the place we were in before and he hoped we could spend time together this week and talk. He said he'd be lost without me, he wants to be together and can't imagine not having me in his life and asked me to not give up on him.

We have talked and I now feel quilted to saying yes to giving him the chance to change things. I can't forget the things he said about my appearance (although now he says he'd rather have me exactly as I am than not at all - but he thinks both of us getting healthy together would change our relationship entirely). I feel sick at the thought of now telling him that I can't do it - he has been helping around the house for the last two days and we've been out for a few walks together. But I don't feel that I will ever be able to forget everything and be 100% in again and I don't know how long I can go along playing happy family.

My friends and family have begged me to end things and get out of the emotional abuse but I just don't know what to do next.

What would you tattlers do?

Dump this cock lodger

 

[littlepup]

I've been in an on again, off again, dysfunctional relationship for a while now. I've posted about it before. I suppose at this moment in time, I'm just looking for some validation that I'm not wrong about what just happened. In brief, together for fully 3 years and engaged and on/off for the past 1 year. I left him in January this year for what I hoped was for good but ended up taking him back after 6 weeks which is the longest separation period. Usually its only around 2 weeks maximum. It was his birthday yesterday and he said he was going to his mums from about 2pm until 6pm and he would come to mine after. He ended up staying up until about 6am so he got up late and said it had a knock on effect for going to his mums so he would be at mine for about 8pm. I felt a bit like I'm not waiting around for him to rock up to mine after having a birthday meal with his mum and his child like I'm some spare part. I felt upset at not being invited to his mums. She knows we are back together.
He said it wasn't his mums idea and that he had asked her to do it. He had also said a couple of days before that he didn't even want to go.
I said to him 8pm was a bit late really and I knew this would happen. He said "but I need to go and pick them up." I said who is them? So he said his daughter. But to me that indicated he had just fucked up and actually he was going out for a meal with his mum and his child and probably his mums partner as well.... and I'm not invited. So I said to him to have a nice day and I went home and I cried in the car on my way home.
He messaged me and said he won't come to mine afterwards if it makes me feel a way.
Then today I messaged him and I asked him why wasn't I invited to spend his bday with his family because he is always telling me I am his family but his actions always say otherwise. He said because he wanted to spend time just with his child. Which doesn't really make sense because he was spending the day with his mum and his child and maybe even his mums partner?? I said I found it hurtful and rude and exclusionary. He went off on one saying its his birthday and I can't pick and choose when I want to spend time with him and we had been together the past 3 days already. He said he doesn't want to hear anything from me unless it's an apology or accountability of why I feel entitled to ruin his special occasion and he said the way I have reacted is not acceptable.

I don't think I'm out of line to be upset and feel excluded and feel like my partner should want to spend his birthday with me and his family and not just want to wake up with me and then fuck me off to go and have a nice dinner and then come back to mine at night and probably expect me to have sex with him. Am I being unreasonable or am I crazy or what???

I've told him to fuck off anyway - I'm sick of wasting my life being on the periphery of his. I just feel like that is so hurtful and for him to not recognise that is like wow.

In our 4 years, he has only met my dad once and has had no interest in being involved with my family but even so, not a single family/birthday/fathers day dinner has gone by in those 4 years where my dad has not invited him. I used to think my family was a bit rubbish and was looking for a safe haven in his, but looking back with hindsight now, I think my family is much kinder and more considerate than his.

I don’t think it really matters who is right or wrong, if you were right, you’re still losing (though sounds like you were both wrong). This is a horrendously dysfunctional relationship. Engaged to be married for the rest of your life but on and off, aren’t involved with each other’s family, not communicating properly. “Usually it’s a about 2 weeks” separation shouldn’t be part of an engagement.
You either both need to grow up and see this isn’t a proper, life long relationship, it’s not normal or healthy and go to couples councilling in the hopes there’s something to salvage but do it properly or get out and stay out.

 

[Tommyb]

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we are engaged but things have really taken a downward turn the past 10 months or so. It all started because we used to talk about children and marriage and it was something that we were very much on the same page about but then I noticed his responses in terms of children were giving me an inkling that he suddenly wasn't so keen. He already has a child from a previous relationship and I always said I would never date someone with children already but hey how here I am.

Eventually, he started saying things like "I want children BUT I need to achieve xyz" and then it moved onto "I don't know if I can promise you that we will have children". I felt like my world was falling apart because this is a big thing that I want. I would be over the moon with just one child but the more I have tried to discuss it, the more closed off he gets.

We started having arguments about stupid things... chores mainly and some issues where he said I was jealous of his mum because I was upset I wasn't invited on a family holiday last summer. My mood started to dip. We kept discussing marriage (we are having an Islamic wedding) and it kept getting pushed back and back and excuses like "I don't want you to feel trapped in a marriage if I decide I don't want children". As the arguments got more and more, he moved out. This happened about 8 months ago and it floored me. I have struggled to adapt to living separately and trying to adjust to a new style of relationship. I have become very depressed and angry and upset a lot of the time. Whenever I try and discuss that all these events that have happened have triggered my mental health decline, he gets defensive and says I am blaming him for my mental health and it is not fair to him and that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is too much pressure for me to put my happiness on him.

Lately, I have really been trying to soul search and wonder if this relationship is right for me. I love him dearly, but he just seems like he is closing off from me and unable to support me or understand even WHY I have declined in my wellbeing so much. He always says to be positive and that we have beautiful things to look forward to together, but if I don't know if we are headed for children in the future I don't know if I want to continue in this potentially dead end relationship. I tried to break up with him the day before nye because of the whole children thing but we were both very upset and he said if I have been feeling unwell mentally them I should not make any rash decisions and I should take time to think about it.

I have no doubt that he loves me, but I just don't think he loves me enough. And what is worse is that him saying he doesn't know if he wants children is making me resent his child.

We had another discussion about children last week and he said how can we be talking about children when the relationship is in the state it is in. He has a fear of having another child in a broken home and I think that is a big factor for his withdrawal. I said I understood what he was saying about our relationship not being stable enough to think about children now but for me the uncertainty was one of the reasons we had now come to this point!

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of not meeting the right person. I was single for 4 years after an abusive relationship before I got into this one. I'm 33 this year. I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries. Time and health is not on my side. I am so confused. I just started taking anti depressants to try and give me a clearer headspace to deal with what is going on. I haven't felt this down in a long time and I don't feel like I should feel this way in a relationship that is supposed to fulfil me.

Why is he so ambiguous and contradictory. One minute he wants children then the next he doesn't know if he does. On the day before nye when I tried to end it, it was because he specifically said for the first time "I don't want children". Now since we have spoken again he is saying if our relationship heals and gets into a place where we are strong and have shared values of how to raise a child together then he doesn't see why that cannot manifest for us. I am just so tired of being in my head all the time about this and I go from feeling like I am strong enough to break it off and start a fresh and then I feel weak again and like I don't want to live my life without him. I am just so confused.

Oh love. He is telling you and showing you who he is. You need to believe him.

Please don't waste any more time if children is what you want. It's absolutely not too late.

You need to go completely cold turkey and stop talking to him. With some distance and time I think your mental health will improve. Being constantly given a glimmer of hope and then have it come crashing down again and again is always going to be detrimental to your mental health. This relationship is going backwards and honestly it shouldn't be this hard. It's not fair to you and it's time to put yourself first. Xx

 

[ImDavidBrent]

He’s also been lowering your confidence with the weight comments so that you’re made to feel you won’t do better than him. He sounds like a right piece of work.

 

[xcyber]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

This is a madness! Personally I think you’re already paying for way too much! The only way I would financially support a guy (only briefly if it was absolutely necessary and for valid reasons like ill health) is if we’re married and I know that his assets are all technically mine too. This guy sounds like a prick. He’s using you. And the audacity to get you to backdate his service charge?! You’re paying for HIS house. Absolutely not. He sounds like a wrongun.

 

[mashedbananapancakes]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my enormous post and for your kind replies.

I think the more I talk about it, the more I know in my mind that I need to end it for good.

Now just need to pluck up the courage to say it out loud

 

[ada-lovelace]

I appreciate all the replies. Things took a turn for the worse this morning. We still had each others keys and I had a pair of his trainers and he had a pair of my shoes that I wouldn't be bothered about but I wanted them back because they are chanel. I went to swap the shoes and the keys but he wouldn't give my key back because he said he was going to get his xbox out of my house first. I'd already handed over his key. He tried to shut the door in my face so I put my foot in the door and asked for my key again and he shoved me into the railing. So by this time I'm crying and he shut the door and I'm still asking for my key back and I knocked on the door again and he came and shoved me into the railing again. I had a work appt so I went to the appt and when I came back he had been in my house and he knows my password is the same for everything so he must have downloaded the security system app and logged in and deleted the footage of him in my house and he did put the front door key through the letterbox but he either stole or hid my back door key so I've had to change the lock. He can't copy my front door key because it's a security key. I've blocked him on everything. Perhaps I did overreact about not being able to go to his birthday dinner but it's constant hurt over the same things so it really made me feel like nothing to him.

Forget all previous arguments, and just focus on the fact that this is NOT normal or healthy, you need to completely cut contact and never see or speak to him again. A grown man should not be shoving you, period. You cannot go back after this.

 

[xcyber]

this is very true tbh, one dumb reason I’ve stayed is because I know if we break up hed date someone a lot younger and I’d feel like crap about myself which is silly

You’d only feel crap for a little bit and then you’d meet an actual man and not a manchild. Then you’ll look back at him and cringe because he’ll still be the same - liking insta pics of young girls. Some guys never grow out of it. Just imagine him being middle aged and doing the exact same thing.

 

[Noahfence]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

 

[LaBlonde]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

girl think about what you just wrote. you pay for all
the food, the holidays, what must be around half of the bills and he wants you to pay the full service charge because he’s a crypto investor even though he knows you use your pay to care for your grandmother and now he wants you to BACKDATE it in a way that he must know you cannot afford.

what is he contributing?! or what does he offer you at all?! it feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic because it IS ONE

 

[littlepup]

Has for the comment ‘can you genuinely be happy in life without children’ it’s not has simple has that when you wake up everyday for 9 years with a ache in your heart knowing your son won’t have a sibling and that you really want something but can’t have it, it’s not a case of wake up and accept it, it’s an hard one because unless you really understand and relate where I’m coming from it just won’t make sense.
I would never leave my partner for not having children but I feel lied to so I can say it’s pushed me away a little.

let’s just say, we are 8 years in (almost 9) no children!
it really breaks my heart that I can’t be a mum, I love my partner with everything but most days I feel like I’m living my life with regrets and that’s not what I want to do.

I feel like you should have said you have a child already where the whole post implied you didn’t.
As a person who spent over 6 years of my life TTC with no luck until I was 38 I absolutely do understand the ache, which is why I couldn’t personally stay in a relationship which didn’t allow me to fulfill by biggest goal in life. You say “you really want something but can’t have it” but you can, you’re not being allowed it. There’s a difference.
I stand by the earlier comment that you have to find a way to be happy without another child or break up. It’s just my opinion of course but if you’re in a relationship where you feel lied to or have to repress what you truly want you do have to make peace with it or move on because it’s unlikely he’ll do a 180 and it’ll all be fine unless he has some issues stopping him wanting a child that he can overcome.

 

[ImDavidBrent]

Easier said than done I know! Believe me but I would send him packing! He’s a walking red flag.
I think in time you’d also become to feel much happier without him.

 

[Funsizes]

Hey! Just looking for some advice so any thoughts would be really appreciated

I live with my partner in a flat he owns outright with no mortgage. In terms of how I contribute, I pay for all food, I pay for holidays, I pay him around £200/month for utilities, plus half of the building’s service charge (£150 a month), and I make a point of picking up the bill for things like dinners or coffees more than him, but my issue is recently he has said that I should be paying for the full service charge moving forward.

He thinks this is fair because I used to spend way more on living costs when I was renting, however something about this arrangement isn’t sitting right with me and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

The reason he cannot afford to pay his half now is because for the last few years he's been on universal credit while he’s waiting for an investor to kick start his business, and in the meantime all his savings and any cash he has goes into crypto and NFTs, so he doesn't actually have any real-world money but he does have considerable assets, whereas I have a regular wage but zero assets.

I personally don't mind if that's how he wants to spend his life even though that’s not how I would choose to live, however now that he expects me to pay more bills than he does I don’t think it’s fair I pay for his unorthodox lifestyle choice. While my money would be going out the door every month for bills, his money is all going into growing more assets for himself which obviously I wouldn’t get any benefit from.

It also feels like an uncomfortable power dynamic, because for example if I lost my job, I would go and do bar work until I had a better paying job again so as not to impact him financially, and also if I wasn’t with him because I don't own any property I wouldn't have the option of being able to live on as little income as he does as I'd need to find the money for rent.

To add to this, I actually don’t mind chipping in extra to help support him for longer, if he understands that once he’s got a similar income to myself I would expect to half bills again. It’s just that he seems to feel like because I’m saving money vs renting then I should just be grateful I guess?

For some context about me, I earn around £50k before tax, and around a quarter of my pay goes on care for my grandma. This also sounds very ungrateful, but I also wouldn’t have chosen to have lived in this area of london if I was renting, and most of the space contains his things so I don’t feel the space is shared 50/50 either - perhaps more like 70/30.

Please tell me if you think I’m being an asshole - I definitely don’t think I should be living for free and I am grateful to not be paying rent, it’s just that if the tables were turned I wouldn’t expect my life partner to be contributing more than me in bills.

Edit: I also forgot to mention, he's also asking that I can backdate payments of this service charge for the whole time we've lived together (around 3 years). This comes to around £3000 which is money I physically don't have and would take me a while to save up

Darling that money he is "investing" in crypto and NFTs will never amount to anything. He may as well ask you to bankroll him whilst he "invests" at Ladbrokes.

 

[Tommyb]

Hi, seeking advice as I don’t know what to do anymore. Been with my partner for a long time, he lost his job back in July, said he was going to start his own business, I supported him and said I would hold the fort for bills etc for the first few months. fast forward to now. He half heartedly tried, nothing came to fruition. He had told me for months he applies for jobs but 8 months down the line and he hasn’t even been for an interview so I’m really starting to doubt that. He hasn’t contributed towards bills, childcare food. I pay for everything, the small bit of UC he does receive is gone 3 days later and I haven’t seen any of it. Everytime I try to discuss it it ends up in an argument that he thinks I’m implying he’s a shit dad and I’d be better off without him. Truth is I really am starting to think I would be better off. Definitely financially anyway. We’re together but I’ve never felt so sad about our relationship and I just don’t know what to do to approach it.

The fact he hasn't given you the UC or any amount speaks volumes to me. Has he recognised how much you are doing?

If he is at home is he doing childcare drop offs, shopping, cleaning etc? If he cannot ease the financial burden he should be easing other burdens on you as a minimum.

Is he not telling you which jobs he's applying for? Sorry but after 8 months any job is better than nothing for now.

Also, you are not responsible for how he is acting and you shouldn't have to put up with it incase he's depressed or vulnerable in anyway. Shoe on the other foot with the responsibility and stress you are currently under.. he's not trying to help you. Xx

 

[littlepup]

Please end it, you are worth so much more than this x

This. Is he finally seeeing the light and trying or is he just panicking that his gravy train is ending.
Sounds like the latter. I don’t think you can come back from this or if there’s anything to salvage sadly. From what you’ve said, he’s not benefitting or giving you anything at all.
It’s better to be unhappy (in the short term) alone but with the prospect that better is coming than throwing your future after your past by staying in a situation that’s not making you happy or serving you in any way.