Really struggling with my three year olds behaviour since having the baby. He won’t let his dad do anything for the baby (feed, change, hold, speak to her etc) I feel like I do everything for the baby and never get a break. He screams and shouts and has a meltdown if anyone talks to the baby and not him, we always spend time playing with him, going to the park, feed the ducks, soft play just whatever he wants to do but it’s not enough. One of us always sits with him at bedtime and gives him one to one time reading stories and then lays with him till he falls asleep. He’s also tried to hurt the baby a few times. Does anyone have any tips or advice please?
New baby and post birth advice #49 IT WAS JUST A NORMAL SIZE SH*T
- Start date
-
- Tags
- New Baby Threads
- Status
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
This one - really worth the read! You can skip to the ‘solutions’ part first if that’s helpful then read the rest. We realised it was probably caused by us pressuring him without realising & also medicine he’s had to take in the first 3 months.
It’s so tough I’m sorry you’re going through it! It will pass.
I took his bottles right down to 3oz again (he’s now on 4.5-5.5- 18weeks old but feeds every 3hrs). And when he did a few days of drinking consistently I upped it to 4.
We also found he took the night feeds fine - so I did start feeding him in a dark room during the day & found sometimes that helped but could still be hit & miss! I found being in the garden / park he would feed better so I did that for a week
Attachments
I Think prehaps iv been pressuring too.... worrying that lack of appitite has meant hes ill so pressuring to prove hes not maybe.This one - really worth the read! You can skip to the ‘solutions’ part first if that’s helpful then read the rest. We realised it was probably caused by us pressuring him without realising & also medicine he’s had to take in the first 3 months.
It’s so tough I’m sorry you’re going through it! It will pass.
I took his bottles right down to 3oz again (he’s now on 4.5-5.5- 18weeks old but feeds every 3hrs). And when he did a few days of drinking consistently I upped it to 4.
We also found he took the night feeds fine - so I did start feeding him in a dark room during the day & found sometimes that helped but could still be hit & miss! I found being in the garden / park he would feed better so I did that for a week
Strangely i too find he feeds better outside... so when iv gone out iv taken picnic blanket and fed him in park... also feel if im out and he kicks off i get stressed that people look. So in park can find a quiet spot. Really helps to know theres a soultion to this and that im not alone... hes gone from eating really well to this fairly quickly
Have you got any books about having a new sibling that you can read with the three year old to help him understand it more? Maybe you could try getting him involved in looking after baby (e.g. holding a toy for baby while you change her) so he can see she's not a threat and you can praise him for being helpful? It must be so hard for older children to adjust, and for parents to cope with trying to manage the situation so I really feel for you - I hope things improve soon
Yes that’s what I felt like, at the start he lost lots of weight so I had been pressuring him to eat more than he wanted. Now I have a “if he has 15oz then fine, if he wants 30 the next day that’s fine too” outlook now as I was making myself so stressed with worry about him refusing the bottle.
Definitely an aversion I would say - but it will be fixed!
Yes same here, I always find a quiet spot under the trees & he drinks away no problem! I hope you can get through it quickly - it’s amazing how receptive they are of our emotions & feelings. Good luck with the feeds moving forward keep me updated, the book was like a light bulb moment for me!Read the soultions part first.... tried it out... it defo seems like hes hungry.. did spend quite abit of time playing with the teat but not pushing it away. Then drank a small amout with half his hand and teat in his mouth. Offerdd him again once and he almost grabs the bottle with his mouth then after a second refuses. So will try again with next feedYes that’s what I felt like, at the start he lost lots of weight so I had been pressuring him to eat more than he wanted. Now I have a “if he has 15oz then fine, if he wants 30 the next day that’s fine too” outlook now as I was making myself so stressed with worry about him refusing the bottle.
Definitely an aversion I would say - but it will be fixed!
Should I be worried… she slept her normal amount from 8:30-6:30, I actually gave her a bottle in bed because I was exhausted, she then slept from 7:30- nearly 11, just given her a bottle and she’s now asleep??? Her wake windows are now normally 2 hours or more, maybe slightly less if we’ve been busy but we’ve literally just come downstairs, watch Bluey (where I will now be getting all my parenting advice from) and she’s now asleep??
We had the same with our 3.4 year when ours was born. It was a really hard transition for us and took months but it’s so much better now.
I’ve used the techniques in this article of validating her feelings about the baby, sharing us and becoming a big sister.
Navigating the New Sibling (With Confidence and Love) - Janet Lansbury
When adding a second child to the family, I believe it our primary goal as parents to maintain a quality relationship with our first. Intense feelings of fear, loss, betrayal, anger, and resentment are to be expected for these older children, commonly expressed through limit-pushing behavior...
www.janetlansbury.com
In the moment when she tries to hurt the baby I hold her hands and say “I’m holding your hands to keep you safe.”
She will say “I want to hurt the baby”, so I say back “you must be really hurting inside if that’s true. I’m here for you.” And let the feelings come and support her through them.
I’m terms of doing everything for the baby, I would be slowly working in more tasks for your partner to be doing, and being on hand to manage the feelings and behaviour that comes with that. Eventually it will become normal that you both manage childcare for both children.
I hope this helps, I definitely don’t get it right all the time and I am way more reactive than I used to be. I practice rupture and repair when I lose it and give myself grace as become a parent to two is a massive transition for us too!
For people who expressed milk for a few weeks/months - how did you decide to stop, and how did you feel about it? We're going abroad for a family wedding at the start of October and baby bandit will turn 5 months old the week we go. I've been expressing since he was born - I never had the biggest supply but initially was doing it to facilitate moving to breastfeeding (which ended up not being possible) and now I've dropped down to pumping two or three times a day so I can give him a bit of breast milk alongside being mainly formula fed.
The flight is 7 hours and we'll be 5 hours behind when we get there - my mum and my husband's mum have both asked if I'm planning to stop pumping before we go because the flight, change of routine and the excitement/stress of being away will be a lot to cope with, and maybe I wouldn't want to deal with pumping on top of that. A few months ago I would have agreed and had in my mind that 5 months was a good amount of time to give a bit of breast milk, but now I'm getting closer I feel quite sad about the thought of stopping, even though it'd make my life at home and abroad so much easier if I didn't have to factor it in/wake up to do it in the night! I think it's because baby was so poorly when he was born so I feel like even a small amount of breast milk is helpful for his immune system etc, and I think also I feel like expressing is the one thing I can do for him that no-one else can so it feels sort of special
Does anyone have any advice about how to decide when to stop, or experience of trying to keep up pumping on a plane/abroad to help me make a decision?
The flight is 7 hours and we'll be 5 hours behind when we get there - my mum and my husband's mum have both asked if I'm planning to stop pumping before we go because the flight, change of routine and the excitement/stress of being away will be a lot to cope with, and maybe I wouldn't want to deal with pumping on top of that. A few months ago I would have agreed and had in my mind that 5 months was a good amount of time to give a bit of breast milk, but now I'm getting closer I feel quite sad about the thought of stopping, even though it'd make my life at home and abroad so much easier if I didn't have to factor it in/wake up to do it in the night! I think it's because baby was so poorly when he was born so I feel like even a small amount of breast milk is helpful for his immune system etc, and I think also I feel like expressing is the one thing I can do for him that no-one else can so it feels sort of special
Does anyone have any advice about how to decide when to stop, or experience of trying to keep up pumping on a plane/abroad to help me make a decision?
I stopped a few days shy of 5 months. We had booked a trip to center parcs and internally I decided I didn’t want our holiday to be set around when I will be able to pump etcFor people who expressed milk for a few weeks/months - how did you decide to stop, and how did you feel about it? We're going abroad for a family wedding at the start of October and baby bandit will turn 5 months old the week we go. I've been expressing since he was born - I never had the biggest supply but initially was doing it to facilitate moving to breastfeeding (which ended up not being possible) and now I've dropped down to pumping two or three times a day so I can give him a bit of breast milk alongside being mainly formula fed.
The flight is 7 hours and we'll be 5 hours behind when we get there - my mum and my husband's mum have both asked if I'm planning to stop pumping before we go because the flight, change of routine and the excitement/stress of being away will be a lot to cope with, and maybe I wouldn't want to deal with pumping on top of that. A few months ago I would have agreed and had in my mind that 5 months was a good amount of time to give a bit of breast milk, but now I'm getting closer I feel quite sad about the thought of stopping, even though it'd make my life at home and abroad so much easier if I didn't have to factor it in/wake up to do it in the night! I think it's because baby was so poorly when he was born so I feel like even a small amount of breast milk is helpful for his immune system etc, and I think also I feel like expressing is the one thing I can do for him that no-one else can so it feels sort of special
Does anyone have any advice about how to decide when to stop, or experience of trying to keep up pumping on a plane/abroad to help me make a decision?
Originally I didn’t know how long I would do so had no set time I wanted to do it for. I thought I was ok with the decision to stop but got rather upset when I told my partner I wanted too. However the last 2 weeks I found hard, and felt like it was the first thing I did in the morning and last thing at night and with baby being more awake I was finding it harder to fit it in so that’s when I knew it would be better to maybe stop.
I decided to start reducing pumps and actually managed to stop completely in about a week and a half but was expecting it to take more time. The last time I pumped I didn’t realise it was my last pump and for me that was best as there was no attachment to it.
Hope you decide whatever works best for you.
That's made me feel quite emotional
thank you for sharing your experience - it sounds like our situations were quite similar so it's really good to hear your perspective and that stopping felt right for you even though it made you sad initially No advice just to say I hope you’re ok, bet it’s such a hard and emotional thing to decideFor people who expressed milk for a few weeks/months - how did you decide to stop, and how did you feel about it? We're going abroad for a family wedding at the start of October and baby bandit will turn 5 months old the week we go. I've been expressing since he was born - I never had the biggest supply but initially was doing it to facilitate moving to breastfeeding (which ended up not being possible) and now I've dropped down to pumping two or three times a day so I can give him a bit of breast milk alongside being mainly formula fed.
The flight is 7 hours and we'll be 5 hours behind when we get there - my mum and my husband's mum have both asked if I'm planning to stop pumping before we go because the flight, change of routine and the excitement/stress of being away will be a lot to cope with, and maybe I wouldn't want to deal with pumping on top of that. A few months ago I would have agreed and had in my mind that 5 months was a good amount of time to give a bit of breast milk, but now I'm getting closer I feel quite sad about the thought of stopping, even though it'd make my life at home and abroad so much easier if I didn't have to factor it in/wake up to do it in the night! I think it's because baby was so poorly when he was born so I feel like even a small amount of breast milk is helpful for his immune system etc, and I think also I feel like expressing is the one thing I can do for him that no-one else can so it feels sort of special
Does anyone have any advice about how to decide when to stop, or experience of trying to keep up pumping on a plane/abroad to help me make a decision?
Thank youNo advice just to say I hope you’re ok, bet it’s such a hard and emotional thing to decide
I think it's hard because it feels so final once I stop! Baby bandit won't care either way (and he actually struggles to drink breast milk more because it's thinner, it's dribble city when he does 
) but psychologically it feels like an important decision and one tied up with a lot of emotion! Part of me wants to keep going and part of me wants to stop this week I completely am with you!! I’m breastfeeding at 7 months and part of me is so ready to give up but the other part of me knows the end is final and it’s my last baby!!Thank you
I fed til almost 6 months last time, and ended up stopping for similar reasons - formula settled better because it was thicker in a horrifically reflux-y baby!
So I felt like the decision was taken from me, but now I’m prepared for someone to take it this time because it’s TOO hard!
Haha exactly, if someone else could decide and tell me it's for reasons out of my control that'd be perfect
I tend to feel guilty almost permanently over decisions I make and bump my feelings to the bottom of the pile so making this decision is really hard! Good luck with your decision!
He’s 17 weeks and I’ve stopped this week, last pump was a couple days ago although I feel like I might need to pump a little tonight to relieve some pressure. I was desperate to stop as I was sick of being tied down by it but now I actually feel really sad and we are spending so much more on formulaFor people who expressed milk for a few weeks/months - how did you decide to stop, and how did you feel about it? We're going abroad for a family wedding at the start of October and baby bandit will turn 5 months old the week we go. I've been expressing since he was born - I never had the biggest supply but initially was doing it to facilitate moving to breastfeeding (which ended up not being possible) and now I've dropped down to pumping two or three times a day so I can give him a bit of breast milk alongside being mainly formula fed.
The flight is 7 hours and we'll be 5 hours behind when we get there - my mum and my husband's mum have both asked if I'm planning to stop pumping before we go because the flight, change of routine and the excitement/stress of being away will be a lot to cope with, and maybe I wouldn't want to deal with pumping on top of that. A few months ago I would have agreed and had in my mind that 5 months was a good amount of time to give a bit of breast milk, but now I'm getting closer I feel quite sad about the thought of stopping, even though it'd make my life at home and abroad so much easier if I didn't have to factor it in/wake up to do it in the night! I think it's because baby was so poorly when he was born so I feel like even a small amount of breast milk is helpful for his immune system etc, and I think also I feel like expressing is the one thing I can do for him that no-one else can so it feels sort of special
Does anyone have any advice about how to decide when to stop, or experience of trying to keep up pumping on a plane/abroad to help me make a decision?
---
I need a rant. Why is it when baby is fussing around people, nobody will just duck off and let you deal with your child, that you know what they need, instead of throwing useless bleeping suggestions at you!!
We were at a family event today that I didn’t even want to go to, as it would eat into bedtime. I know his family think I’m ott and strict about the bedtime routine but at the end of the day it’s me that suffers when we don’t stick to it, no fucker else.
Anyway, little Tifa was due a sleep as we left which was just tit as he won’t sleep in the car. He was an overtired mess already by the time we got there and people are shouting at me “is he hungry?” “Is he too hot?” “Try his dummy” “maybe he has wind.” NO HE IS JUST OVER TIRED AND YOU ALL COMING OVER AND SHOUTING IS MAKING IT WORSE. I take care of this child 99% of the time, why do these people suddenly think I’ve lost all brain capacity and don’t know what my son needs/wants. I don’t care if it’s coming from a good place of wanting to help, it has the opposite and just makes me get flustered and the situation ten times more stressful
An outsiders perspective of course, but reading this an all the reasons for stopping seem to have come from the concerns or suggestions of others, whereas all you’ve expressed are feelings of sadness at the thought of stopping. Only you can decide if it’ll be a burden or too much, if it isn’t, why stop?For people who expressed milk for a few weeks/months - how did you decide to stop, and how did you feel about it? We're going abroad for a family wedding at the start of October and baby bandit will turn 5 months old the week we go. I've been expressing since he was born - I never had the biggest supply but initially was doing it to facilitate moving to breastfeeding (which ended up not being possible) and now I've dropped down to pumping two or three times a day so I can give him a bit of breast milk alongside being mainly formula fed.
The flight is 7 hours and we'll be 5 hours behind when we get there - my mum and my husband's mum have both asked if I'm planning to stop pumping before we go because the flight, change of routine and the excitement/stress of being away will be a lot to cope with, and maybe I wouldn't want to deal with pumping on top of that. A few months ago I would have agreed and had in my mind that 5 months was a good amount of time to give a bit of breast milk, but now I'm getting closer I feel quite sad about the thought of stopping, even though it'd make my life at home and abroad so much easier if I didn't have to factor it in/wake up to do it in the night! I think it's because baby was so poorly when he was born so I feel like even a small amount of breast milk is helpful for his immune system etc, and I think also I feel like expressing is the one thing I can do for him that no-one else can so it feels sort of special
Does anyone have any advice about how to decide when to stop, or experience of trying to keep up pumping on a plane/abroad to help me make a decision?
Thank you - I probably didn't explain all my thoughts very well, but I find expressing quite a burden even though I've reduced the amount of times I pump each day, and making sure I wake up in the night/stay up after the night feed to express when I could be trying to get more sleep isn't something I enjoy! For ages I've been looking forward to dropping right down and then stopping because it'll make my life easier (and reducing the frequency from before has already had such a positive impact on my mental health and my ability to get out and about with baby), but now the time has come I feel torn about it! If we weren't going away I think I'd just play it by ear, but because I have a deadline looming where I'll either need to stop or find a way to manage it away from home it's put me on the spot and made me panic a bit!
I have 0 idea if this will work (so excuse my ignorance!) but could you try dropping a pumping session now and see how you feel? Then if it feels ok you could keep reducing but if not then that helps your decision?
I've only been pumping three times a day (including the night pump) for the past few weeks, but over the past week I've sometimes only been doing twice a day because baby's been so unsettled and trying to squeeze another session in has been too stressful. I was feeling ok about dropping the extra session because I was still getting over 100ml total per day which I'd set as my target, but the past couple of days my supply has dropped so I'm not achieving that which makes me sad! Basically I'm all over the place and contradicting myself constantly haha but I think if I could do just once at night and once in the day and still get an ok amount I'd feel a bit better about it, but if I need to do it 3+ times to get an ok amount then it becomes a bigger burden (and if I'm only getting a tiny amount it doesn't feel worth it at all). I'm going to do a power pump tomorrow while husband looks after baby and see where that gets me, to buy me more time to think. Sorry for multiple posts that are just me being emotional and confused, and thank you for offering advice and support!
- Status