New baby and post birth advice #42 If only it would fit in a Kallax

[WhatABore]

Was having this conversation with my mum the other day. Can’t remember what we started talking about, but I was like ‘mum. There’s research as to why we aren’t supposed to put babies on their front’ ‘but I was doing it when you lot were younger (proceeds to count out how many of them had babies that didn’t die) and none of you lot died’ ‘well mum, babies did die. Just because it was ok for us at the time, a lot of time has passed and a lot of research has happened’

Oh, we were talking about the new baby’s bottle as my SIL isn’t a fan of the prep this time round

This exactly I had an argument on tiktok (I never normally comment) over survivorship bias.
Because she commented on a car seat safety video and said "Back when my kids were young, we didn't have carseats. And they're still alive. This is all over the top these days"
Mmmm your children survived... Because you didn't crash... Maaaany other children died though

I just hate the "Well my child was fine" when giving dangerous advice

 

[Definitelyme]

@Chrisxo I know everyone else has given answers but just to say I’ve fed all my kids to sleep until they were 2. And my now 9, 7 and 4 year old don’t still need it, and are perfectly able to fall asleep without it. Your HV is a dick.

 

[Belle Amie]

But they'll all say "Well it didn't do you any harm"

And I say mother I’ve been on antidepressants and had 3 rounds of therapy but you’re right no harm here

 

[LittleBluebird]

When my dad was visiting he said “I don’t remember sleeping being so important and that you all slept so much.” To which I just said “and people wonder why our generation has sleep issues and anxiety.”

Has anyone read “I’m glad my mom died” by Jeanette McCurdy? I’m listening to it now and woof. Talk about inspiration to break all the cycles.

 

[jackolantern]

Tommy is nearly one and we still hold him for every sleep, day and night. Is it hard? Yeah. Have I often wish he'd sleep in a crib? Yeah. But he won't do this forever and at one point he might not want me to hold him at all. I'm taking it while I can. He is the happiest little boy and I know he feels safe so it's worth it. As adults most of us like to be around other people when we sleep. So why do we expect a baby to be different? Especially considering as adults we understand what's going on and can look after ourselves, babies can't, they are just suddenly dumped somewhere where they can't do anything and have to just hope you are coming back. Imagine the horror of being confused, alone, scared and crying and noone coming. Much like baby's Dad, tell the HV to duck off. Not her kid, not her business. She can duck up the mental health of her own kids.

Chris your baby is 11 weeks, you are worrying about things that frankly are many months if not years off.

 

[I’mThankyou_]

@Chrisxo You're not spoiling him by responding to his cries, you're responding to his emotional need to feel secure. You're all he knows so when he's put down he will cry.
My eldest co slept with me from birth until he was 6. From age 3 he would start the night in his bed and by 1am he would be in bed with me. He's 10 now, and independently sleeps alone, he loves a cuddle. I was constantly told I spoiled him and i was making a rod for my own back. But in reality he just needed me? I was his comfort, and I always will be.
Ignore his dad, ignore your HV. Respond to your son how you see fit.

 

[Daisydunn15]

So shockingly KW didn't go and do a food shop and meal plan this weekend after his display of twatfulness over beef stew last week.
So I've had a walk to aldi this morning and got tea in the slow cooker.. I'll give you three guesses what he's coming home to

 

[singleplantparent]

Do you use anything specific on her hair?
T2 has proper tight curls and it's so textured and dry it's always just one bloody big dread lock! I've tried cantu and other things but it seems to leave her hair really greasy ‍

Try Noughty hair products, they’ve been really great for my mostly 4c hair that’s thick and can get quite matted quite quickly when dry, hope this helps!

 

[Daisydunn15]

Sorry if I posted this before and sorry for all the questions but my hv said I need to stop feeding baby to sleep as it’s a bad habit for him and will be hard to break when he’s older… he won’t settle otherwise and won’t take a dummy she said feed him till he’s sleepy then put him down but he wakes and cries and moves about I know I’ve probably spoiled him but what can I do? Is she right?

Do whatever works for you and baby. As others have said, feeding to sleep and contact naps are perfectly normal and healthy, we did contact naps for every nap but recently she's been settling for them easier in the cot than on me which is sad but I suppose it's better for us both when I go back to work.
For night sleep I really wanted her to settle in the cot, my anxiety wouldn't let me cosleep I just couldn't shut my eyes, so I spent night after night putting her down then picking her back up seconds later and repeated that a million times. Never did cry it out or ferber just persisted with cot at bedtimes and then she got the connection in time but it was bloody hard and I didn't sleep for about 3 weeks while doing it, but now she sleeps through in her cot so for us it was worth it. If I could relax Co-sleeping we'd have done that. It's just whatever works for you and your baby, so don't listen to crappy advice or people telling you what you should or shouldn't do. They all contradict each other anyway so even if you tried to follow it you couldn't!

 

[Definitelyme]

Tommy is nearly one and we still hold him for every sleep, day and night. Is it hard? Yeah. Have I often wish he'd sleep in a crib? Yeah. But he won't do this forever and at one point he might not want me to hold him at all. I'm taking it while I can. He is the happiest little boy and I know he feels safe so it's worth it. As adults most of us like to be around other people when we sleep. So why do we expect a baby to be different? Especially considering as adults we understand what's going on and can look after ourselves, babies can't, they are just suddenly dumped somewhere where they can't do anything and have to just hope you are coming back. Imagine the horror of being confused, alone, scared and crying and noone coming. Much like baby's Dad, tell the HV to duck off. Not her kid, not her business. She can duck up the mental health of her own kids.

Chris your baby is 11 weeks, you are worrying about things that frankly are many months if not years off.

Baffles me how often adults say they can’t sleep without their other half in the bed, then complain their baby or young child won’t sleep alone.

 

[Hushpuppy]

I don't know if this is the right thread to ask this question but I'm hoping you may be able to help...

Tomorrow I have my meeting with the consultants regarding me asking for a second c section. I'm really anxious about it and absolutely terrified they will say no. The midwife at my booking appointment basically fobbed me off and said no it would be a vbac until I essentially said that wasn't an option and I really want another c section. I have massive medical environment triggered anxiety and the unknown of labour terrifies me. I ended up having an emergency c section about 11 hours after my waters broke as baby was breech last time. I also didnt have any contractions so it was quite a calm lead up to the big event. Obvs in the moment I was utterly terrified and shaking like a leaf (they gave me more drugs to help) but I've been through it now and I know roughly what to expect whereas labour I have no bloody idea. Help! How do I get this across tomorrow so they agree to it because I'm so so scared they won't.

 

[xoxo GG]

I don't know if this is the right thread to ask this question but I'm hoping you may be able to help...

Tomorrow I have my meeting with the consultants regarding me asking for a second c section. I'm really anxious about it and absolutely terrified they will say no. The midwife at my booking appointment basically fobbed me off and said no it would be a vbac until I essentially said that wasn't an option and I really want another c section. I have massive medical environment triggered anxiety and the unknown of labour terrifies me. I ended up having an emergency c section about 11 hours after my waters broke as baby was breech last time. I also didnt have any contractions so it was quite a calm lead up to the big event. Obvs in the moment I was utterly terrified and shaking like a leaf (they gave me more drugs to help) but I've been through it now and I know roughly what to expect whereas labour I have no bloody idea. Help! How do I get this across tomorrow so they agree to it because I'm so so scared they won't.

You tell them that you don’t wish to try for a VBAC, you want an elective caesarean, if they refuse, just go straight to the head of midwifery who should then liaise on your behalf to find a clinician willing to perform the surgery.
Have a look at the RCOG and NICE guidelines, specifically NICE NG192. You really just have to be so firm with them, just continue to say that you wish to proceed with your maternal request for an elective caesarean, but you may find it doesn’t come to that and the consultants are actually far more understanding x

 

[Lulu Goss]

I don't know if this is the right thread to ask this question but I'm hoping you may be able to help...

Tomorrow I have my meeting with the consultants regarding me asking for a second c section. I'm really anxious about it and absolutely terrified they will say no. The midwife at my booking appointment basically fobbed me off and said no it would be a vbac until I essentially said that wasn't an option and I really want another c section. I have massive medical environment triggered anxiety and the unknown of labour terrifies me. I ended up having an emergency c section about 11 hours after my waters broke as baby was breech last time. I also didnt have any contractions so it was quite a calm lead up to the big event. Obvs in the moment I was utterly terrified and shaking like a leaf (they gave me more drugs to help) but I've been through it now and I know roughly what to expect whereas labour I have no bloody idea. Help! How do I get this across tomorrow so they agree to it because I'm so so scared they won't.

You have the right to choose how you give birth. All the way up until my baby was born, I was too scared to push for a section, I mentioned it a few times in my midwife appointments but I wasn’t comfortable giving the real reasons why and so she didn’t really listen. When my waters broke and I went in to be checked, I mentioned it to the midwife there who went off to the consultant and within 5 mins came back to say if I wanted one, I could have one. So don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself, you have every right to give birth in a way that makes you feel more calm.

I would explain your reasons and tell them that “because of this, I’ve chosen to have a section”. Don’t look at it as asking permission x

 

[Hushpuppy]

You tell them that you don’t wish to try for a VBAC, you want an elective caesarean, if they refuse, just go straight to the head of midwifery who should then liaise on your behalf to find a clinician willing to perform the surgery.
Have a look at the RCOG and NICE guidelines, specifically NICE NG192. You really just have to be so firm with them, just continue to say that you wish to proceed with your maternal request for an elective caesarean, but you may find it doesn’t come to that and the consultants are actually far more understanding x

Thank you for this, I will Google the above as soon as it's bedtime! The lord knows I won't have time to read it before! Xx

You have the right to choose how you give birth. All the way up until my baby was born, I was too scared to push for a section, I mentioned it a few times in my midwife appointments but I wasn’t comfortable giving the real reasons why and so she didn’t really listen. When my waters broke and I went in to be checked, I mentioned it to the midwife there who went off to the consultant and within 5 mins came back to say if I wanted one, I could have one. So don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself, you have every right to give birth in a way that makes you feel more calm.

I would explain your reasons and tell them that “because of this, I’ve chosen to have a section”. Don’t look at it as asking permission x

Oh wow that's amazing, on the day of. I'm so glad they allowed that for you. Thank you so much, I'm hoping it goes better than I'm imagining it to go, it's just the community midwife has scared me.

 

[Rxt156]

You have the right to choose how you give birth. All the way up until my baby was born, I was too scared to push for a section, I mentioned it a few times in my midwife appointments but I wasn’t comfortable giving the real reasons why and so she didn’t really listen. When my waters broke and I went in to be checked, I mentioned it to the midwife there who went off to the consultant and within 5 mins came back to say if I wanted one, I could have one. So don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself, you have every right to give birth in a way that makes you feel more calm.

I would explain your reasons and tell them that “because of this, I’ve chosen to have a section”. Don’t look at it as asking permission x

Love this. I have started to take this approach in most areas on my life now where appropriate. such a big thing like giving birth you definitley should have your say/your own way when it comes to delivery @Hushpuppy defo push for what you want. Good luck x

 

[Lulu Goss]

Oh wow that's amazing, on the day of. I'm so glad they allowed that for you. Thank you so much, I'm hoping it goes better than I'm imagining it to go, it's just the community midwife has scared me.

I didn’t actually end up having one - although the consultant said yes, the midwife I spoke to gave me a bit of a speech about how I should have mentioned it sooner and they would have been more prepared - so I didn’t go ahead with it. But I so wish I had been confident enough to say “ok fine I understand that. I’m going to go ahead with it now though”. If I’m lucky enough to have another I’ll be telling them that’s what I’m having right from the start!

Good luck with it, I’m sure it’ll all be fine. It’s nerve wracking but at the end of the day you have to do what’s best for you

 

[ThePidge]

But they'll all say "Well it didn't do you any harm"

Don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m fine

 

[GlennCoco]

I don't know if this is the right thread to ask this question but I'm hoping you may be able to help...

Tomorrow I have my meeting with the consultants regarding me asking for a second c section. I'm really anxious about it and absolutely terrified they will say no. The midwife at my booking appointment basically fobbed me off and said no it would be a vbac until I essentially said that wasn't an option and I really want another c section. I have massive medical environment triggered anxiety and the unknown of labour terrifies me. I ended up having an emergency c section about 11 hours after my waters broke as baby was breech last time. I also didnt have any contractions so it was quite a calm lead up to the big event. Obvs in the moment I was utterly terrified and shaking like a leaf (they gave me more drugs to help) but I've been through it now and I know roughly what to expect whereas labour I have no bloody idea. Help! How do I get this across tomorrow so they agree to it because I'm so so scared they won't.

I think (and I could be wrong so happy to be put right) but because you've already had a section prior, they'll be more open to you having another one. Just say that you had an emergency one last time, you don't want to end up in the same boat so you want an elective one.

Fingers crossed they listen to you, and like others said, you have the right to give birth how you want

 

[Hushpuppy]

Love this. I have started to take this approach in most areas on my life now where appropriate. such a big thing like giving birth you definitley should have your say/your own way when it comes to delivery @Hushpuppy defo push for what you want. Good luck x

Thank you so much x

I think (and I could be wrong so happy to be put right) but because you've already had a section prior, they'll be more open to you having another one. Just say that you had an emergency one last time, you don't want to end up in the same boat so you want an elective one.

Fingers crossed they listen to you, and like others said, you have the right to give birth how you want

Thank you, I hope so. It's really nerve-wracking and I'm worried if they start being negative I will wait burst into tears and forget what I want to say. I'm so emotional! X

 

[GlennCoco]

Thank you so much x

Thank you, I hope so. It's really nerve-wracking and I'm worried if they start being negative I will wait burst into tears and forget what I want to say. I'm so emotional! X

Could you write down the points you want to make? That way if you do start getting emotional, you've got a physical reminder of what you want to say?