Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

Chandler Bing · Sep 11, 2020

Buzzbee said:
If he’s the type that would usually cause a scene, I’d say don’t invite him at all, but that’s just my opinion. Go with your gut, it’s your day and the only people who should be the focus is you and your future husband. I didn’t have any family at my wedding and eloped, because I knew in my gut that certain people would ruin it and take over as they always do. Do what makes you happy

I would also not invite him.

My dad completely ruined my wedding for me. He made a big song and dance about how he wasn't going to come, sent horrible emails to me in the weeks leading up to it and after every email came a deposit into my bank account (controls with money, which i don't want or need). Long story short he did turn up on the day but my head was spinning anyway so I ended up basically ignoring him and mainly crying in the toilets. Afterwards the emails resumed, he thought I was ungrateful after all he had 'paid his admission fee' and I treated him poorly!

People will say oh it was such a lovely day and blah blah but honestly it was just about the worst day of my life because of my dad.

I think in your situation you need to understand that he may go out of his way to ruin the day for you, whether he's invited or not. That was certainly the case with me and every day I wish I hadn't invited him.

Karen42 · Sep 11, 2020

Chandler Bing said:
I would also not invite him.

My dad completely ruined my wedding for me. He made a big song and dance about how he wasn't going to come, sent horrible emails to me in the weeks leading up to it and after every email came a deposit into my bank account (controls with money, which i don't want or need). Long story short he did turn up on the day but my head was spinning anyway so I ended up basically ignoring him and mainly crying in the toilets. Afterwards the emails resumed, he thought I was ungrateful after all he had 'paid his admission fee' and I treated him poorly!

People will say oh it was such a lovely day and blah blah but honestly it was just about the worst day of my life because of my dad.

I think in your situation you need to understand that he may go out of his way to ruin the day for you, whether he's invited or not. That was certainly the case with me and every day I wish I hadn't invited him.

I’m so sorry that this happened to you, to be honest, that’s what I fear will happen to me too. My issue is that I’m a bit soft at times and I need to stop feeling guilty about the fact that my father is an asshole!! I try to remind myself that I don’t have to like him or tolerate him just because of DNA, but it is easier said than done sometimes. I hope you’re OK xx

Chandler Bing · Sep 11, 2020

Karen42 said:
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, to be honest, that’s what I fear will happen to me too. My issue is that I’m a bit soft at times and I need to stop feeling guilty about the fact that my father is an asshole!! I try to remind myself that I don’t have to like him or tolerate him just because of DNA, but it is easier said than done sometimes. I hope you’re OK xx

It is absolutely not your fault that he is the way he is. You have chosen your fiancee because they are not like that (I know that's what I did!) I know that even in adulthood we crave the acceptance of our parents and its very hard when we don't get it. I get the 'soft' part, sometimes you may even have a better period with the parent and you get fooled into thinking hey maybe it wasn't like that and then bang they remind you what the reality is. And the reality is that at the end of the day DNA means very little, just because they are your parent doesn't mean that they get to treat you anyway they want. I have had some wonderful people in my life with whom I didn't share DNA with but who genuinely cared for me. As adults we get to choose who we have as part of our lives, my dad does not deserve to be a part of it and I am much happier for it.

petitspois · Sep 11, 2020

Karen42 said:
Hello, I wonder can anyone give me some advice please? It’s probably more helpful in this forum as nobody will be biased or have personal involvement. My Dad is a narcissist and I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. I am 31. He had me when he was very young and my Mum (an angel) and him split up when I was about 4. I have always been extremely close to my paternal grandparents as I feel that they stood in where he was absent and as a result of this, I almost feel like they are “my Dad” if you know what I mean. He’s a very controlling man, money is his God and he is never wrong. So much so that on the one occasion where he actually apologised to me (after I asked, which makes it not even count anyway) he said “sorry” in a mocking voice, like you would do if you were doing an impression of someone you don’t like. He’s obsessed with power, image, being intelligent and being portrayed as successful and hilarious to the outside world. When I was younger he used to come into my life and try and compensate for his absence or horrible personality by buying me expensive things and at times I thought this was great, but now I’m old enough to have sense. You can’t buy love. I’ve often felt guilty in the past about the condition of our relationship and I think it’s just in you to want to get along because “he’s your Dad”, but deep down I know that every time I reach out to try and make things better he ends up hurting me again and just being mean and controlling. He doesn’t ask “how are you?”, it’ll be “how much money do you earn?” or look for some kind of recognition for example when I mention that I bumped into someone he’ll say “did they ask about me? Do they know I’m your Dad?”.
My issue is that I’m getting married this year. I didn’t contact him to tell him that I got engaged and currently, I do not plan on inviting him to the wedding. My fiancé doesn’t know him. But my fiancé has got notifications on his LinkedIn to say that my Dad has been stalking his account I feel like I don’t want him at my wedding but also afraid of regretting it (even though I currently feel like I won’t and won’t ever!) but I know you can feel differently when you reflect on occassions later. He missed my Debs and my graduation as he decided to go on holidays with his wife, even though he knew what my dates were. So I know he’s not invested in me. But I feel like the wedding will be a big deal for him as he will be “Father of the Bride” and that’s the type of status he wants - making a speech etc! However, if he did come, I would only want him as a wallflower and not front and centre like he probably thinks he should be. Is it better to not invite him at all and run the risk of him gate crashing or would you invite him and pray that he won’t cause a scene when he realises that my Mom will be the main attraction on the day (walking me down aisle etc) and not him.

I really wouldn’t invite him. He will cause a scene. There’s alcohol, crowds, emotions- all lead to alarm bells. It’s one day but it’s your day. I know it’s your choice but please don’t invite him.

openbook1 · Sep 11, 2020

Karen42 said:
Hello, I wonder can anyone give me some advice please? It’s probably more helpful in this forum as nobody will be biased or have personal involvement. My Dad is a narcissist and I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. I am 31. He had me when he was very young and my Mum (an angel) and him split up when I was about 4. I have always been extremely close to my paternal grandparents as I feel that they stood in where he was absent and as a result of this, I almost feel like they are “my Dad” if you know what I mean. He’s a very controlling man, money is his God and he is never wrong. So much so that on the one occasion where he actually apologised to me (after I asked, which makes it not even count anyway) he said “sorry” in a mocking voice, like you would do if you were doing an impression of someone you don’t like. He’s obsessed with power, image, being intelligent and being portrayed as successful and hilarious to the outside world. When I was younger he used to come into my life and try and compensate for his absence or horrible personality by buying me expensive things and at times I thought this was great, but now I’m old enough to have sense. You can’t buy love. I’ve often felt guilty in the past about the condition of our relationship and I think it’s just in you to want to get along because “he’s your Dad”, but deep down I know that every time I reach out to try and make things better he ends up hurting me again and just being mean and controlling. He doesn’t ask “how are you?”, it’ll be “how much money do you earn?” or look for some kind of recognition for example when I mention that I bumped into someone he’ll say “did they ask about me? Do they know I’m your Dad?”.
My issue is that I’m getting married this year. I didn’t contact him to tell him that I got engaged and currently, I do not plan on inviting him to the wedding. My fiancé doesn’t know him. But my fiancé has got notifications on his LinkedIn to say that my Dad has been stalking his account I feel like I don’t want him at my wedding but also afraid of regretting it (even though I currently feel like I won’t and won’t ever!) but I know you can feel differently when you reflect on occassions later. He missed my Debs and my graduation as he decided to go on holidays with his wife, even though he knew what my dates were. So I know he’s not invested in me. But I feel like the wedding will be a big deal for him as he will be “Father of the Bride” and that’s the type of status he wants - making a speech etc! However, if he did come, I would only want him as a wallflower and not front and centre like he probably thinks he should be. Is it better to not invite him at all and run the risk of him gate crashing or would you invite him and pray that he won’t cause a scene when he realises that my Mom will be the main attraction on the day (walking me down aisle etc) and not him.

I am mostly nc with my dad. He left when I was young and would drink-drive and wasn't nice to my mum. My fiance has not met him and I did not tell him that I got engaged. I am also still in contact with his parents though - they never did anything wrong and are the sweetest souls. I would not invite my dad to the wedding.

cedarpeach · Sep 11, 2020

Karen42 said:
Hello, I wonder can anyone give me some advice please? It’s probably more helpful in this forum as nobody will be biased or have personal involvement. My Dad is a narcissist and I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. I am 31. He had me when he was very young and my Mum (an angel) and him split up when I was about 4. I have always been extremely close to my paternal grandparents as I feel that they stood in where he was absent and as a result of this, I almost feel like they are “my Dad” if you know what I mean. He’s a very controlling man, money is his God and he is never wrong. So much so that on the one occasion where he actually apologised to me (after I asked, which makes it not even count anyway) he said “sorry” in a mocking voice, like you would do if you were doing an impression of someone you don’t like. He’s obsessed with power, image, being intelligent and being portrayed as successful and hilarious to the outside world. When I was younger he used to come into my life and try and compensate for his absence or horrible personality by buying me expensive things and at times I thought this was great, but now I’m old enough to have sense. You can’t buy love. I’ve often felt guilty in the past about the condition of our relationship and I think it’s just in you to want to get along because “he’s your Dad”, but deep down I know that every time I reach out to try and make things better he ends up hurting me again and just being mean and controlling. He doesn’t ask “how are you?”, it’ll be “how much money do you earn?” or look for some kind of recognition for example when I mention that I bumped into someone he’ll say “did they ask about me? Do they know I’m your Dad?”.
My issue is that I’m getting married this year. I didn’t contact him to tell him that I got engaged and currently, I do not plan on inviting him to the wedding. My fiancé doesn’t know him. But my fiancé has got notifications on his LinkedIn to say that my Dad has been stalking his account I feel like I don’t want him at my wedding but also afraid of regretting it (even though I currently feel like I won’t and won’t ever!) but I know you can feel differently when you reflect on occassions later. He missed my Debs and my graduation as he decided to go on holidays with his wife, even though he knew what my dates were. So I know he’s not invested in me. But I feel like the wedding will be a big deal for him as he will be “Father of the Bride” and that’s the type of status he wants - making a speech etc! However, if he did come, I would only want him as a wallflower and not front and centre like he probably thinks he should be. Is it better to not invite him at all and run the risk of him gate crashing or would you invite him and pray that he won’t cause a scene when he realises that my Mom will be the main attraction on the day (walking me down aisle etc) and not him.

I’m with everyone else, don’t invite him. I think the rhetoric of “you’ll regret it later” is a savvy trick played by manipulative family. You know your own mind. I think you’re far more likely to regret inviting your dad against your own gut instinct and better judgement

ItsEmmie · Sep 11, 2020

Yes, I moved out at 20 and back in at 30 because my mum had a separation after 20 years and she was struggling mentally. Since then I have become her maid, I cook clean do whatever she wants, taxi her about everything. She tells me I’m an embarrassment and do nothing for her on the daily. I’ve long suffered mental health issues and was starting to pick up being more independent just before moving in with her and now I can honestly say my mental health has never been worse because all she does is tell me I’m a piece of sh it. I lay in bed at times wishing I wouldn’t wake up because I feel trapped in this routine. In the past few months she’s punched, strangled and thrown and smashed a cup at me. It’s hard. I wish I could move away far away but having really bad anxiety I’m trapped plus I have two pets who I would never give up xxx

cedarpeach · Sep 11, 2020

ItsEmmie said:
Yes, I moved out at 20 and back in at 30 because my mum had a separation after 20 years and she was struggling mentally. Since then I have become her maid, I cook clean do whatever she wants, taxi her about everything. She tells me I’m an embarrassment and do nothing for her on the daily. I’ve long suffered mental health issues and was starting to pick up being more independent just before moving in with her and now I can honestly say my mental health has never been worse because all she does is tell me I’m a piece of sh it. I lay in bed at times wishing I wouldn’t wake up because I feel trapped in this routine. In the past few months she’s punched, strangled and thrown and smashed a cup at me. It’s hard. I wish I could move away far away but having really bad anxiety I’m trapped plus I have two pets who I would never give up xxx

Oh god I’m so sorry. Is there any way you can move out and take your pets?

Rippedjeanmaybe · Sep 11, 2020

Does anyone else also have a toxic or narcissistic sibling? My older half sister is 7 years older than me and she despised me from the minute I was born. I have another older half sister too who is 10 years older, so this sister that hated me was the middle child, but she was my dad’s favourite.

My dad blamed his eldest on his divorce from their mum and as such he always favoured his second daughter to the point where she became a bossy spiteful cow who just set out to cause trouble all the time. He used to beat his eldest child and throw her down the stairs, he used to slap me on the legs, but the middle child got nothing, despite her being the worst of us all.

she used to call me stupid, play evil tricks on me and was just generally nasty. She would break things or draw on things and then blame it on me so I would get a slap from my dad, she would tell me I’m ugly and she would always try and control me. When I was 7 and she was 14, the bullying from her was that bad that school knew something wasn’t right with my behaviour and in the end my mum did stop sending me to my dad’s while she worked and I ended up at a childminders instead. She still carried on bullying me though whenever she saw me.

I finally cut her off when I was 18, we had a huge argument just before Christmas as she wanted me to be at my dad’s for 7am so she could go to her boyfriends for 10am. I refused and it all kicked off, my dad took her side and neither of them have spoken to me since.

petitspois · Sep 12, 2020

Rippedjeanmaybe said:
Does anyone else also have a toxic or narcissistic sibling? My older half sister is 7 years older than me and she despised me from the minute I was born. I have another older half sister too who is 10 years older, so this sister that hated me was the middle child, but she was my dad’s favourite.

My dad blamed his eldest on his divorce from their mum and as such he always favoured his second daughter to the point where she became a bossy spiteful cow who just set out to cause trouble all the time. He used to beat his eldest child and throw her down the stairs, he used to slap me on the legs, but the middle child got nothing, despite her being the worst of us all.

she used to call me stupid, play evil tricks on me and was just generally nasty. She would break things or draw on things and then blame it on me so I would get a slap from my dad, she would tell me I’m ugly and she would always try and control me. When I was 7 and she was 14, the bullying from her was that bad that school knew something wasn’t right with my behaviour and in the end my mum did stop sending me to my dad’s while she worked and I ended up at a childminders instead. She still carried on bullying me though whenever she saw me.

I finally cut her off when I was 18, we had a huge argument just before Christmas as she wanted me to be at my dad’s for 7am so she could go to her boyfriends for 10am. I refused and it all kicked off, my dad took her side and neither of them have spoken to me since.

You’re better off without them x

Annie101 · Sep 14, 2020

I wanted to change my profile before posting about this topic on here. I am embarrassed about it and part of me wants to keep on protecting my mom. I had a very tough 2020 (most of us have). I am nearly 50, no kids and now married for 2 years. For some strange reason i never acknowledged the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. A year ago I had enough, and asked (told) him to go to AA or i am leaving. It didn't change overnight, i had a lot of heartache, but he is in recovery, and i see a positive change. I am proud of him, he is growing as a person instead of reason out for a bottle.m He is treating me well again, and although i have to rebuilt my trust in him as he lied a lot about his drinking habits, which changed his personality and made my life unbearable. Don't want to Jinx anything, but i can go as far to say - we are happy.

Now about a NC parent. Again i was very, very slow to realize that our normal was not normal. My mom was extremely sick since i was about 12 years old. She had about 2 operations a year, and told me since that age that she is busy dying. The doctor is her "best friend". As a child i was in a constant state of anxiety of losing my mom and what would happen to me if she dies. Later in my life, i found my adoption papers that my father adopted me as a baby, they were angry with me and i had to apologise to them finding the papers and to tell my father that i dont love him any differently even if he is not biological. Now i realize that they should have comforted me. I am going to skip a lot of drama's, disfuntion etc.
My father passed away 4 years ago and a year and a half ago my mom told me she has breast cancer. Again as usual i was crying, worried and constantly there for her. About a month ago i spoke to my aunt, (we live in different cities and dont really stay in touch). By coincidence my moms cancer came up and my aunt was shocked and told me my mom do not have cancer. She had a cyst in her breast removed and had a boob job at the same time. i was shocked that a parent can lie constantly to her child, just to get attention and pity.

I grew up that no matter how old you are, you are not allowed to question or challenge a parent. My mom does not know that i have this information, but now for the first time in my life i am cold and distant towards her. I think she used health issued her whole life to get the attention from everyone.

Despite me being very hurt, i have this sense of freedom that i no longer need to worry about her drama's and let it influence my life.
My husband i are rebuilding our life together and my focus is now on us.

cedarpeach · Sep 14, 2020

Annie101 said:
I wanted to change my profile before posting about this topic on here. I am embarrassed about it and part of me wants to keep on protecting my mom. I had a very tough 2020 (most of us have). I am nearly 50, no kids and now married for 2 years. For some strange reason i never acknowledged the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. A year ago I had enough, and asked (told) him to go to AA or i am leaving. It didn't change overnight, i had a lot of heartache, but he is in recovery, and i see a positive change. I am proud of him, he is growing as a person instead of reason out for a bottle.m He is treating me well again, and although i have to rebuilt my trust in him as he lied a lot about his drinking habits, which changed his personality and made my life unbearable. Don't want to Jinx anything, but i can go as far to say - we are happy.

Now about a NC parent. Again i was very, very slow to realize that our normal was not normal. My mom was extremely sick since i was about 12 years old. She had about 2 operations a year, and told me since that age that she is busy dying. The doctor is her "best friend". As a child i was in a constant state of anxiety of losing my mom and what would happen to me if she dies. Later in my life, i found my adoption papers that my father adopted me as a baby, they were angry with me and i had to apologise to them finding the papers and to tell my father that i dont love him any differently even if he is not biological. Now i realize that they should have comforted me. I am going to skip a lot of drama's, disfuntion etc.
My father passed away 4 years ago and a year and a half ago my mom told me she has breast cancer. Again as usual i was crying, worried and constantly there for her. About a month ago i spoke to my aunt, (we live in different cities and dont really stay in touch). By coincidence my moms cancer came up and my aunt was shocked and told me my mom do not have cancer. She had a cyst in her breast removed and had a boob job at the same time. i was shocked that a parent can lie constantly to her child, just to get attention and pity.

I grew up that no matter how old you are, you are not allowed to question or challenge a parent. My mom does not know that i have this information, but now for the first time in my life i am cold and distant towards her. I think she used health issued her whole life to get the attention from everyone.

Despite me being very hurt, i have this sense of freedom that i no longer need to worry about her drama's and let it influence my life.
My husband i are rebuilding our life together and my focus is now on us.

So sorry to hear this. I totally understand the feeling of wanting to protect your mom. I also did this for years and years and never admitted to myself (let alone to anyone else) that my mom was a bad parent who consistently chose her own needs over her children.

It sounds like either your mom has munchausen’s or she is a pathological liar who uses lies to manipulate your good intentions. It’s really abominable but surprisingly bloody prevalent.

I also feel icy and distant from my mom now and I know she can feel it but I honestly don’t care. I wish you and your hubby all the best.

petitspois · Sep 14, 2020

Annie101 said:
I wanted to change my profile before posting about this topic on here. I am embarrassed about it and part of me wants to keep on protecting my mom. I had a very tough 2020 (most of us have). I am nearly 50, no kids and now married for 2 years. For some strange reason i never acknowledged the fact that my husband is an alcoholic. A year ago I had enough, and asked (told) him to go to AA or i am leaving. It didn't change overnight, i had a lot of heartache, but he is in recovery, and i see a positive change. I am proud of him, he is growing as a person instead of reason out for a bottle.m He is treating me well again, and although i have to rebuilt my trust in him as he lied a lot about his drinking habits, which changed his personality and made my life unbearable. Don't want to Jinx anything, but i can go as far to say - we are happy.

Now about a NC parent. Again i was very, very slow to realize that our normal was not normal. My mom was extremely sick since i was about 12 years old. She had about 2 operations a year, and told me since that age that she is busy dying. The doctor is her "best friend". As a child i was in a constant state of anxiety of losing my mom and what would happen to me if she dies. Later in my life, i found my adoption papers that my father adopted me as a baby, they were angry with me and i had to apologise to them finding the papers and to tell my father that i dont love him any differently even if he is not biological. Now i realize that they should have comforted me. I am going to skip a lot of drama's, disfuntion etc.
My father passed away 4 years ago and a year and a half ago my mom told me she has breast cancer. Again as usual i was crying, worried and constantly there for her. About a month ago i spoke to my aunt, (we live in different cities and dont really stay in touch). By coincidence my moms cancer came up and my aunt was shocked and told me my mom do not have cancer. She had a cyst in her breast removed and had a boob job at the same time. i was shocked that a parent can lie constantly to her child, just to get attention and pity.

I grew up that no matter how old you are, you are not allowed to question or challenge a parent. My mom does not know that i have this information, but now for the first time in my life i am cold and distant towards her. I think she used health issued her whole life to get the attention from everyone.

Despite me being very hurt, i have this sense of freedom that i no longer need to worry about her drama's and let it influence my life.
My husband i are rebuilding our life together and my focus is now on us.

it sounds like your Mum might have Munchausens.

I've been thinking a lot about a previous poster talking about the bitterness felt in relation to not having a loving family. I can imagine it must be heartbreaking.

I don't have narcissitic parents, I know they love me but the relationship is very thin or lacking substance. I feel bitter sometimes when I imagine

Rippedjeanmaybe said:
I think one of the biggest problems for me now that I’m an adult is that I’m just so bitter all the time. My parents split up before I was born and my mum never had another serious relationship again.
Aside from both my parents being very toxic, I do just wish that I’d had that happy childhood that so many people do. When I see happy families together I get so bitter about it all, I’d give anything to experience happily married parents and a happy childhood. Don’t get me wrong I know no family is perfect, but some people do have a lovely childhood and i hate that I never got to experience that.
I never got to experience being adored and truly lovely by my parents, I never got to feel like I was the centre of their world, I never got to experience happy family days out and holidays, even our Christmas was miserable as both parents hated Christmas and still do! I always felt like an inconvenience and like I was something that was in the way and now I always feel like there’s a hole in my life that will never be filled and I always feel like this weird stomach flip whenever I see really happy families...

I've been thinking a lot about this post. I can imagine it must be heartbreaking and I really feel for you. Images and references to loving families are just everywhere aren't they?
Do you think you could see a path to happiness with your own children? creating that unit you never had? albeit with you in a different role of course.

petitspois said:
it sounds like your Mum might have Munchausens.

I've been thinking a lot about a previous poster talking about the bitterness felt in relation to not having a loving family. I can imagine it must be heartbreaking.

I don't have narcissitic parents, I know they love me but the relationship is very thin or lacking substance. I feel bitter sometimes when I imagine

I've been thinking a lot about this post. I can imagine it must be heartbreaking and I really feel for you. Images and references to loving families are just everywhere aren't they?
Do you think you could see a path to happiness with your own children? creating that unit you never had? albeit with you in a different role of course.

don't know what's going on there above - it's got sentences from a different post in the middle not mine?! - sorry

Annie101 · Sep 14, 2020

Thank you for the support. Acceptance and seeing things for what they really are makes a huge difference. I agree with the Munchausens as even as i miscarried she was crying and said how can it being happening to her. If you have a headache she has a tumour on her brain. I cannot imagine that she can be a happy person and I do notice her friends are no longer sticking around. Love to all of you.

Curly Top · Sep 14, 2020

I recognise this type of person. My mother was similar. She was constantly having biopsies for cancer diagnoses and would make a real meal of them insisting that we all take her to the hospital, buy her flowers and wait in a frenzied state of high emotion for her results. One year I had tickets for Wimbledon (my first ever visit) and decided to go with my friend. I lost count of the phone calls she made to me on that day unable to comprehend that I had chosen to enjoy my day rather than worship at her altar.
Most parents coping with an illness will downplay the worst result and give positive information to their children as an act of kindness. It shows a special level of cruelty to try and generate worry and fear.
After crying wolf too often the whole game backfires on them.

LittleMy · Sep 16, 2020

openbook1 said:
I wouldn't say that my mum is toxic or narcissistic but she certainly has problematic traits that likely have been engrained in her since she was young. Only as an adult, really in my late 20s have I started really picking up on them. As a child, my mum was always doing the latest fad diet, Akins, you name it, she did it. She was always obsessed with her weight. She has a health problem that causes her weight to fluctuate so I am sure that is difficult to handle. I seem to recall overhearing a conversation as a child, where she spoke about having issues with making herself vomit.

Since I was a baby (literally), I have been underweight. I have had peers at school bully me for having an "eating disorder", school nurses/doctors and family members, and even co-workers say "you need to eat more." Again, I never realised how much that hurt until I got older. I am healthy, I eat a balanced diet, have never restricted my eating in my life, and exercise frequently. I have more muscle than I ever had before.

On the other hand, my mum restricts her eating. Barely eats carbs and honestly, I can't imagine anything more miserable. Recently, I had surgery and was a few days post-recovery, I shared a photo of myself online as I was feeling good. My mum messaged me: "you're looking too thin. We are worried about you." WTF. I had a video called her the day before, yet she did not mention concerns then. Plus, I literally just had surgery, so was feeling a little bloated, etc, it was such a tone-deaf comment and inappropriate. At that point, I realised I had to set boundaries. Discussions about weight from "concern" or not, are not welcome. At that moment, I was thinking she had a cheek going on about being concerned about me when she is the one who restricts what she eats and exercises for 2 hours a day.

Then, she will do this thing where she makes comments about her own weight: "I feel huge, my stomach is big" etc. Like, what does she want me to say? "No, you don't." - then she will say "yes I am." etc. So now, when she says something like that, I do not acknowledge it and change the subject. Lol. I am sorry she feels that way but I am not going to entertain toxic conversations about weight anymore.

It is incredible that growing up with that culture, I never had weight insecurities/been on diets myself. Has anyone else experienced this? It made me realise if I ever have a child, I NEVER want to be like that. My mum doesn't mean any harm, she does it without realising how toxic it is. I saw this on Instagram though and it is SO true.

My mum has always had issues with me gaining weight. She and my brother have the good metabolism, I only have to look at a chocolate cake and put on 10lbs. My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years (I have depression and am an emotional eater). I’ve been called fat by her, even been told I need to lose weight the day after I gave birth to my first child. It was such a common occurrence for her to call me fat growing up that my brother would often throw it out there too whenever we had an argument. I honestly can’t imagine wanting to treat my child that way, giving them issues around food and making them feel ashamed and disgusted about the way they look whether that’s fat or thin. I used to be on all sorts of mad diets as a young girl because my mum told me I needed to lose weight and encouraged it.

openbook1 · Sep 16, 2020

Buzzbee said:
My mum has always had issues with me gaining weight. She and my brother have the good metabolism, I only have to look at a chocolate cake and put on 10lbs. My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years (I have depression and am an emotional eater). I’ve been called fat by her, even been told I need to lose weight the day after I gave birth to my first child. It was such a common occurrence for her to call me fat growing up that my brother would often throw it out there too whenever we had an argument. I honestly can’t imagine wanting to treat my child that way, giving them issues around food and making them feel ashamed and disgusted about the way they look whether that’s fat or thin. I used to be on all sorts of mad diets as a young girl because my mum told me I needed to lose weight and encouraged it.

One of my friends was a little chubby as a child but that was it, I'm sure she she grew up she would have lost it. Well, her parents put her on diets and sent to personal training at age 13. Absolutely disgusting. I remember being at a bbq at hers and her mum scolding her for picking up a burger bun, she wasn't allowed carbs. As an adult, she has suffered a whole host of eating problems that stem from her childhood.

Chandler Bing · Sep 16, 2020

openbook1 said:
I wouldn't say that my mum is toxic or narcissistic but she certainly has problematic traits that likely have been engrained in her since she was young. Only as an adult, really in my late 20s have I started really picking up on them. As a child, my mum was always doing the latest fad diet, Akins, you name it, she did it. She was always obsessed with her weight. She has a health problem that causes her weight to fluctuate so I am sure that is difficult to handle. I seem to recall overhearing a conversation as a child, where she spoke about having issues with making herself vomit.

Since I was a baby (literally), I have been underweight. I have had peers at school bully me for having an "eating disorder", school nurses/doctors and family members, and even co-workers say "you need to eat more." Again, I never realised how much that hurt until I got older. I am healthy, I eat a balanced diet, have never restricted my eating in my life, and exercise frequently. I have more muscle than I ever had before.

On the other hand, my mum restricts her eating. Barely eats carbs and honestly, I can't imagine anything more miserable. Recently, I had surgery and was a few days post-recovery, I shared a photo of myself online as I was feeling good. My mum messaged me: "you're looking too thin. We are worried about you." WTF. I had a video called her the day before, yet she did not mention concerns then. Plus, I literally just had surgery, so was feeling a little bloated, etc, it was such a tone-deaf comment and inappropriate. At that point, I realised I had to set boundaries. Discussions about weight from "concern" or not, are not welcome. At that moment, I was thinking she had a cheek going on about being concerned about me when she is the one who restricts what she eats and exercises for 2 hours a day.

Then, she will do this thing where she makes comments about her own weight: "I feel huge, my stomach is big" etc. Like, what does she want me to say? "No, you don't." - then she will say "yes I am." etc. So now, when she says something like that, I do not acknowledge it and change the subject. Lol. I am sorry she feels that way but I am not going to entertain toxic conversations about weight anymore.

It is incredible that growing up with that culture, I never had weight insecurities/been on diets myself. Has anyone else experienced this? It made me realise if I ever have a child, I NEVER want to be like that. My mum doesn't mean any harm, she does it without realising how toxic it is. I saw this on Instagram though and it is SO true.

Yep, my mum used to berate herself all the time for being fat. I'm honestly not even sure if I ever saw her eat a meal that wasn't a piece of toast.

Me? Bulimia going on almost 15 years so

Barbs89 · Sep 16, 2020

openbook1 said:
I wouldn't say that my mum is toxic or narcissistic but she certainly has problematic traits that likely have been engrained in her since she was young. Only as an adult, really in my late 20s have I started really picking up on them. As a child, my mum was always doing the latest fad diet, Akins, you name it, she did it. She was always obsessed with her weight. She has a health problem that causes her weight to fluctuate so I am sure that is difficult to handle. I seem to recall overhearing a conversation as a child, where she spoke about having issues with making herself vomit.

Since I was a baby (literally), I have been underweight. I have had peers at school bully me for having an "eating disorder", school nurses/doctors and family members, and even co-workers say "you need to eat more." Again, I never realised how much that hurt until I got older. I am healthy, I eat a balanced diet, have never restricted my eating in my life, and exercise frequently. I have more muscle than I ever had before.

On the other hand, my mum restricts her eating. Barely eats carbs and honestly, I can't imagine anything more miserable. Recently, I had surgery and was a few days post-recovery, I shared a photo of myself online as I was feeling good. My mum messaged me: "you're looking too thin. We are worried about you." WTF. I had a video called her the day before, yet she did not mention concerns then. Plus, I literally just had surgery, so was feeling a little bloated, etc, it was such a tone-deaf comment and inappropriate. At that point, I realised I had to set boundaries. Discussions about weight from "concern" or not, are not welcome. At that moment, I was thinking she had a cheek going on about being concerned about me when she is the one who restricts what she eats and exercises for 2 hours a day.

Then, she will do this thing where she makes comments about her own weight: "I feel huge, my stomach is big" etc. Like, what does she want me to say? "No, you don't." - then she will say "yes I am." etc. So now, when she says something like that, I do not acknowledge it and change the subject. Lol. I am sorry she feels that way but I am not going to entertain toxic conversations about weight anymore.

It is incredible that growing up with that culture, I never had weight insecurities/been on diets myself. Has anyone else experienced this? It made me realise if I ever have a child, I NEVER want to be like that. My mum doesn't mean any harm, she does it without realising how toxic it is. I saw this on Instagram though and it is SO true.

My mother in law is obsessed with fad diets and going to the latest slimming clubs etc, she is the perfect woman from the Peter Kay sketch “come on we’re all nosey bitches”. She comments on people’s weight a lot and although I have been brought up with a healthy body image, she can be upsetting. What really bothers me is that she says things to my eldest daughter, who is still at primary school, “ooh you’re so skinny” “I wish I had legs like yours”, as if my daughters been on a diet or something, it takes all of my might not to scream, she’s a bloody child leave her alone! When she used to have a relationship with my sister in law she was always making comments about her weight too. My daughter has picked up on commenting about other people, I have to remind her that we aren’t perfect so we shouldn’t comment on others. I definitely think my own mental health has suffered since becoming her daughter in law, I am not the outgoing and confident person I once was, although some of that is to do with having children, I also have distanced myself from people because she embarrasses me and/or muscles in on mine and my children’s friendships. As I have said before, we can’t move away, so any advice on living with narcs is much appreciated. Love to all on this thread, although I live with it now, it makes me so grateful to my parents for doing what I think was a great job

lira · Sep 17, 2020

Narc father with a doormat mother here to him respect was everything, and showing the world that his family respected him 100% even more so. It took me until I was 22, married, and exposed to normal, healthy family relationships to realise that it's not normal to grow up in a household with no laughter, hugs, or joy. Even after getting married he tried to control mine and my husband's life, and obviously husband wasn't having it. We moved far away and dad has been able to sweet talk us back a couple of times before showing his true controlling colours again. I haven't been in contact with my family for a couple of years now and my life is a lot less stressful for it.
It took me a long time to understand that my dad doesn't care for us (his daughters particularly), just what we could do for his image. The only thing I regret is not realising sooner so I could've tried to help my mum somehow.

Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

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